90 Day Fiancé; S9, EP 12

Summer’s Yve & Mohomobot3000:

The couple went swinging into their last 70 days before being married (literally swinging…Moohamit was on a rope doing some kind of obstacle course). They took Yve’s son Tharan to the “Ninja Gym” to spend a little quality time doing something he really enjoys. But the fun and games only lasted a short while, as things got a bit heated on the car ride home. Yve informed Moo-ham that their number 1 choice of wedding venue was booked, and they would have to postpone their nuptials for yet another month. Mohammit couldn’t understand why the two couldn’t just get married while standing in an ant pile outside in the dirty backyard, or at a courthouse or something, as he was eager to move on with his paperwork for his Green Card. He explained to Yve that she was holding up his work permit, as well as his ability to return to Egypt to see his mom, the true love of his life.
Yve of course explained that she had waited 46 years to have her dream wedding, and really wanted to make it count (especially since most Moohamit marriages tend to last only until the Moohamit can get his trucking license and move out on his own to Miami where you can then chase him with a binder full of EV-UH-DENSE…..I digress…) Mohammit refused to see things from Yve’s perspective, getting passive-aggressive and even threatening to return to Egypt if she wouldn’t marry him asap. 

Patrick & Thighs:

Patty Muscles went out for a pint after work with his friend/coworker, Wagner, and Brother John. They briefly reviewed the couples’ uneventful and poorly edited trip to Vegas last week, before landing on the topic of Thighs hiding the marriage from her father. Brother John (post beverage and heightened Baw-stun accent) stoked the fire by making Patrick question if Father Thighs even liked him. The three brilliant minds took turns discussing the theory of “man code”, in which a guy can’t get married if he first did not receive the approval of the woman’s father. Brother John, in all of his Happy Hour glory, took the cake when he announced someone needed to have the “testicular fortitude” to lay down the law with Thighs, and call up her dad for a marriage permission slip. Brother John did offer to call Father Thighs himself, which would definitely make for much more interesting television than anything else this season.

Later on back at the boring house with the one colorful vase…
Brother John caught up with Thighs as she was channeling her inner Emeril in the stark white kitchen. She was attempting to make “stroganoff”, which seemed to be nothing more than overcooked chicken, mixed with ketchup and mustard.  John started in on her about the fact that she hasn’t yet told her father about the upcoming wedding, trying in the most Brother John way to “double dog dare” her to tell him. Thighs was feeling flustered having such a serious conversation in the midst of making her culinary masterpiece, as Brother John continued to heckle her for condiment marinade.

Patrick and his tiny head strolled in the house, excited to sit down to a hot meal of chicken ala ketchupstard. He managed to make an unconvincing yummy noise as he chewed the rubbery chicken, who’s secret sauce tasted like a hot dog.
Thighs could not understand why Patrick would have filled his brother in on the situation with her father, and stomped off in the bedroom (giving everyone the opportunity to secretly spit their chicken into a napkin). Brother John brought up the topic of throwing Patty a bachelor party, even though Patrick did not believe the strippers would be “as hot” as Thighs, who was of course listening methodically from the doorway. She came running out screaming at the thought of her betrothed attending a strip club (but clearly she had nothing to worry about… he’s not into cheesy stripper Vegas weddings). No wonder Brother John drinks all day….

JibJab & Meowmix:

After last week’s dinner fiasco, Jibjab took a long walk in the woods (also known as a “hike”, for those of you like me & Miona who are “outdoors-challenged”) to discuss the next step for Team Jibroni. Grandma Jibri (who is not a regular Grandma, but a “cool grandma”), expressed her concerns, as she felt her technicolored grandson wasn’t happy as of lately, and seemed unsure about going through with the marriage. Jibri expressed his reservations to Grandma (who may have been his hair inspiration throughout his life), but also conveyed his love and admiration for Miona, especially the way she markets herself on Instagram .Grandma-ma felt a little bit better hearing at least some positive attributes about the relationship and decided to offer up her officiating services at the wedding for a discounted rate. Though Jibri loved the offer of the personal touch, he worried that Miona would not be game. Grandma Jibri admitted that she had no idea what her grandson would end up doing, which was about the only thing she knew for sure. Can’t wait to see the pre-wedding red carpet looks at this wedding.

Ari-oldyeller & BiniBiniYumYum:

Bini was busy giving baby Avi a shiatsu massage when Leandro (Ari’s ex husband) arrived at the apartment, just in time to pick Ari up for wedding dress shopping. Ari poked her greasy head out of the bathroom to announce that she wasn’t feeling like her usual charming self, and added being “nauseous” to her list of positive attributes. Leandro had to check their joint cycle tracker app before inquiring if there could be a possibility that Ari is yet again pregnant.
Since Bini still is unable to drive in the US, Leandro offered to chauffer him to the drugstore to retrieve the official pregnancy test. While on their uncomfortable errand, the two suitors of Ari discussed a bit of family planning, with Bini revealing he would like to eventually have 10 children (2 down, 8 more to go). When they returned to the apartment, Leandro let Ari in on the news that she was about to birth a nation, though her magic number seemed to end at 2.
After spending an eternity in the bathroom (and still not managing to wash her hair) Ari reappeared, revealing to the brother-husbands that she was in fact not currently toting.
Both she and Leandro seemed relieved, while Bini felt a bit sad that his dreams of forming his own family of Cirque Du Soleil performers will have to wait. Ari expressed her reservations about their relationship, since they didn’t seem to have anything in common besides baby Avi. Previews showed her going wedding dress shopping (without the help of Leandro), and of course trying on one of the most awkward dresses from the dark abandoned basement corner of the dress shop. 

B-lull & Shy-duh:

Back at the good house after their miserable Atlanta getaway, things are very tense between Bilal and Shy-shy. Bilal’s kids were staying at the house that weekend, so they decided to put aside the prenup talks for the time being and try to enjoy the day by having a little outdoor yoga session. Shy-duh was hoping some bending and stretching could help remove the stick from Bilal’s sphincter, so she doesn’t have to return to her ohm sweet ohm. Shyduh instructed her “class” (consisting of Bilal, and his two kids), to get in tune with the wind and nature, though they much preferred giving each other noogies and clowning around. Though the lack of seriousness probably bothered her deep down, Shy-duh managed to let it go, as she was just happy not to have to try and cheer up her manchild for at least one episode. I’m pretty sure they talked about the prenup again, but at this point I’d rather jump off of the ferris wheel instead of paying attention. 

Kara & Guillermo:

To lighten up the somber mood from last week (after the death of his brother), Kara took Guillermo to a local Virginia rodeo. Of course Kara had to dress the part in her pigtail braids and boots, making sure G-Man wore a plaid button up and mesh back trucker hat, like he was going to buy hubcaps at a flea market. Apparently the rodeo was comforting to Guillermo, who revealed that he comes from a long line of Venezuelan bull chasers, or something or other (I wasn’t paying close attention, I was too busy wondering which food truck they were going to order from). While partaking in the rodeo-fun, Kara decided to compromise and meet G half way, by agreeing to having a small wedding, that they would now need to plan in the next three weeks. If all goes well at the rodeo food trucks, they could just ask them to cater. Who doesn’t love nachos?!?