90 Day Fiancé; S9 EP 9

Bile & Shy-duh:

It was a family weekend over at B-lull’s good house, and Shy-duh decided to showcase her domestic skills in an attempt to bond with her new potential stepdaughter. She began teaching young Zayna how to make chicken from her homeland (Trinidad and/or Tobago). Before getting down to the recipe, she showed the teenager how to first prep the chicken by aggressively scrubbing it in a strainer, claiming you should “wash it like you wash your lady parts” (I am in no way judging the customs and culture of Trinidadians and/or Tobagoneers, however, they must have a lot of well-paid gynecologists on that island). Zayna stood there, horrified, as she watched her new step-mother-to-be manhandle the dinner, unavoidably questioning if Shy-duh’s bad mood and lack of interest in games was due to the fact that her crotch stings. 
After the aggressive and awkward chicken portion of the evening, Shy-duh decided they had bonded enough that she should bring up her preferred title of “Umi” (which translates to “Mother”) instead of the kids just calling her “Ouchy vagina lady” (or Shy-duh). Though she explained the cultural significance of the new title and that she felt disrespected being called by her first name, Zayna did not yet feel comfortable with the new moniker (Especially after Shy-duh taught her how to peel the potatoes with the vegetable peeler by saying “ You peel them just like you’re shaving your hairy legs”, removing the potato’s skin….). She ended cooking class by saying: “It puts the chicken in the strainer basket, or else it gets the sink bidet hose again”. 

After the “Cooking Network-meets ID discovery” cooking lesson, the family had a little prayer session before heading out on an excursion. Blall thought it would be fun to take the kids to a park to ride scooters. Of course this was not a first choice activity for Shy-shy, who aside from hating games (and fun in general) is also scared of riding a scooter. She decided to be a good sport and even got some traction, managing to slightly enjoy catching wind beneath her hijab. She and Blull took a break from scooting to discuss their recent quarrels, most of which seem to stem from his OCD. B-Lull tried to explain his complaints by criticizing Shy-duh’s ability to wash the utensils (unlike the thoroughness of the chicken), and things seemed to take a hard turn from there. Shy felt that Bilal has issues with listening, and always manages to boomerang all of her complaints back to her, which resulted in yet another fight. Bilal rode off on his scooter, citing that he had never fought with anyone in his life more than he had fought with his bride-to-be (who was probably just extra grouchy, since her nether region was being scrubbed raw). Previews for next week show the couple finally having the “prenush” agreement conversation, which will hopefully be more enjoyable than angry scooting. 

JibJab & Meowmix:
Am I Miss Cleo? Psychic Sylvia Brown?? LONG ISLAND MEDIUM?!
How did I KNOW we would be forced to revisit the poorly acted fight from last week?!
Luckily the space cowboy was there in his protective helmet to disengage the altercation (and now we know his role in the band; Security Guard from the future). Dah-veed attempted to explain that he is just concerned about his best friend, still feeling that Meowmix is a negative influence (Meanwhile, the studio engineer was waiting for this stupidity to be over, though either way he still gets paid by the hour). Miraculously the Black Serbs were able to rally from their rough beginning and lay down some intergalactic tracks. 

Feeling all in all like it was a successful recording sesh, Jibri gathered his Lisa Frank fanny pack and was about to leave, when he stopped to make an apology. He admitted that he had let the band slip by the wayside in order to focus on Meowmix, blinded by her shiny ponytails and all of the matching outfit potential. He confessed to being nervous about his ability to juggle his bronzed beauty while also committing to his “rockstar” lifestyle, and hoped he wouldn’t let anyone down.
In the meantime, Meowmix hit up a bridal dress shop in Chicago, accompanied by Brandi, of Black Serb fame. The two claimed to have become fast friends when the band was touring Mother Serbia (they may even have BFF ponytails). Miona had a great time trying on fancy dresses, as she explained her frustrations about her current living situation to both Brandi and the bridal dress shop sales associate. Meowna worried that Jibri needed to stand up for her and exclusively be on her side, instead of his current role as a mediator (or as she put it, “Meditator”, something I think Jibri would be really bad at, considering he would have to hold still for several minutes at a time). 
After band practice (and after a change of clothing), Jibri and Daveed sat down for lunch to discuss “Jibroni” (Miona and Jibri’s celebrity couple name). Once again, Daveed tried to be the voice of reason, telling his friend that his future misses shouldn’t expect so much of him, and he shouldn’t be throwing away all of his other ventures in the name of love. Jibri admitted that he was stressed about the wedding, and unsure of what to do. Though he sounded conflicted, I believe this is just to keep the story going, as he seems very “raw chicken” whipped, if ya know what I mean (and that is a whole other recipe from Shy-duh’s cookbook).

Emily & Kobe:

Back in the Salina detention center…
It appears that Emily has finally permitted Kobe to drive….. A golf car. Though it wasn’t his first choice of transportation, Kobe seemed to be smiling throughout his joyride over to the neighbor’s house so they could go on a day date of horseback riding. Emily resisted nit picking Kobe’s first pony ride, and instead resorted to taking a video of him like he was a toddler while shouting “You’re doing greeeeeat” out of her big mouth. (I guess it beats shoveling…)
They headed back to the house, where Emily went to discuss wedding planning with her parents (all while her apparition of a mother was grooming her small fluffy dog. I wonder if the dog thought a ghost was pulling its hair?!) Emily wasted little time coming right out and asking her parents if they wouldn’t mind funding Kobe’s eternal torture, aka their wedding. Father Emily seemed annoyed, as he was already paying for his daughter and grandson’s entire life, and kept talking about all of the mouths he has to feed ( But in fairness, he IS saving money on formula…). After complaining briefly, he actually agreed to pay for a wedding ceremony (Emily can supply the free drinks).
The Ghost of Mother Emily Present brought up last week’s “STFU” comment, which was news to Colonel Sanders’s ears. Both she and her husband seem skeptical of Kobe’s ability to financially support the family of three, and worry about all of the fighting the couple has been doing since his arrival. Her parents reminded her that she’s never been self-sufficient a day in her life and should really focus on solving those core issues before marriage (It’s like the age-old adage; “Those in glass houses, shouldn’t throw horse dung…. Improperly. You just have to scoop it from the top”).
After counseling Emily (and taking little to no responsibility for her entire personality since they were the ones who raised her), Father Emily took Kobe down to the basement to have a man to man chat over a beer. He directly asked Kobe what his plans would be after receiving his green card, bringing up his concerns for the couple’s ability to support themselves. Kobe mentioned the thought of diving back into the lucrative career of underwear modeling, even though he felt the Salina market was oversaturated (the market, not the underwear). He then brought up the idea of possibly taking over Father Emily’s architectural business, in order to keep the family tradition going. Kobe felt qualified to become an architect, being that he took a civil engineering class once in high school (Just call him “Kobe Vandalay” of Vandalay Industries). Father Em hit Kobe with the reality that he would need a whole lot of education before becoming an architect, which would be both time consuming and expensive, and scoffed at the gall it took to come out and suggest he just take over. The Kob-ster was upset to hear that the $4,200 he had brought with him for rent and food would only be enough in the USA to buy one round of headshots (butt-shots??) to jumpstart his underwear modeling career and approximately 3 tanks of gas for a car he’s not allowed to drive. The Father Emily suggested that Kobe sit down with his loud-mouthed fiance and discuss a budget as well as a plan of action (since apparently that hasn’t yet happened in their two years of long distance communication). 

Patrick & Thighs:

At the new house in Dallas, there seemed to be water issues, as Brother John took charge calling up the “Plum-ah”. On the bright side, his cold sore seems to be going down, unlike Thighs’s expectations. Brother John checked in with his tiny-headed kin about his relationship, reminding him that it was time to take his lojack off of his phone now that Thighs was stateside. 
Patrick took Thunderthighs out for a nice dinner and buttered her up with a “Welcome to America” present, which included a new iPhone and some cheesy lingerie. He then told her that the new phone came with a catch; She would no longer be able to share his location. Thighs explained that her need to track her shrunken-meathead was due to an infidelity at the beginning of their long distance relationship, which he claimed was “just kissing” but later admitted it could have gone further, if not for all of the whiskey he had consumed. He tried to bargain with his Brazilian bondsman, claiming she could re-monitor his life if she were to catch him messing up again. This was met with a stern message that should he find himself cozying up to a different set of Thighs, she “go Russia” (which is weird, since she’s from Brazil….).
Back at tiny head’s house, Thighs was working hard to try and unpack her clothes in her second rate closet that’s bigger than every NY apartment. Brother John appeared in the doorway to let the couple know he was throwing a scripted house party (80’s style; Pizza on the turntables and everything). He felt the party would be a nice gesture, as Thighs could use it as a chance to meet some of Patrick and John’s coworkers. She seemed annoyed, but tried to go with the flow, managing to wear her new lingerie that Patrick had bought her as her party outfit.
The big party was full of work friends, as well as some young girls that a coworker had invited. As Patrick hosted and tried to act hospitable, Thighs grew very jealous, scowling at him from across the sub par kitchen island, before requesting to speak with him privately. The couple stepped away so Thighs could remind Patrick that he is not allowed to interact with women (which didn’t seem to bother him, as he claimed all of the girls there were “ugly” and not nearly as beautiful as his sexy Brazilian fiance, who is basically Karine on a good day). After a quick pep talk alone, Patrick and Thighs returned to the pah-tay to makeout in the middle of the kitchen like mature adults who are ready for marriage. This was basically a scene out of “Mean Girls”, but with a drunk guy from Bahston and no sweet baby Theodore puppy.

Kara & G-Momoney, Mo Problems:

The couple took their dog, Chiqui-mama, to a park to discuss their wedding plans. Kara tried to explain to her young pillow-lipped lover that they should stick to a courthouse wedding, since it was a more affordable option, and try to save up for a bigger wedding the following year. Guillermo worried that their priorities would shift with time, and he would never get his “say yes to the dress” moment. He felt that Kara had a very different mindset and attitude towards him and their life decisions when they were in the D.R., and now she should just…. *Insert Kobe comment here*. Kara agreed to bring G-Mo to a few wedding venues to prove her point by showing him the price tag, hoping it would scare him straight.

The couple took a tour of a beautiful vineyard as their first stop for a potential wedding location. Guillermo was in awe seeing the venuel, feeling emotional as he pictured his dream wedding. Unfortunately, the $7,000 location fee (which did not include anything else BUT the location) made him realize that Kara may have been right on this one subject, and he agreed that waiting a year might be a better option. He then went into the fact that Kara is always trying to control him, in every aspect, rehashing old issues. At least they can save money on crappy balloon arches… I know where they can get one real cheap (Also, the ex boyfriend could be the entertainment, and THAT would actually make it worth watching).

Summer’s Yve & Mohamobot3000:

It was the next morning after Yve’s “girls night”/ dinner with a friend, and Yve joined Mooham outside in the backyard for a cup of coffee. She was shocked to see that Mo was upset by the fact that she somehow missed her imaginary curfew of 10:30 pm, and he claimed to have already been asleep when she returned. Yve tried to explain that she needs a little girl time to be independent and maintain her #squadgoals, and didn’t have any intentions of acting like a proper Muslim wife. Moohamit 2.0 (who may or may not have been wearing one of Yve’s cast aside low cut tops) was disappointed that she would disregard his culture now that they were in America by claiming he was just trying to control her (when everyone knows “Mens doesn’t control me”. Duh.). Yve admitted that the couple had never really discussed the actual details of how things would work once they were married, especially in regards to religion, culture, and expectations. Moe-hom figured Yve knew what he was all about, being that she had come to visit him 4 times in her bikini during their 2 year relationship. He felt as though Yve was wasting 2 out of his 25 years of life thus far, and wants her to decide if she’s willing to compromise for the sake of their baseless relationship.