90 Day Fiancé; S9 EP 7

Yve & Moohamit 2.0:

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
The couple were getting ready to go out with Yve’s infamous “girl squad” so they could flaunt their boobies at Moohamit and make him as uncomfortable as possible. As it should turn out, Yve’s personal style is equally as bad as her taste in home decor, as noted by the pepto pink slinky dress she put on with her black thong peeking through. Moo-ham asked that she change before leaving the house, probably embarrassed for her and trying to do her a solid. She agreed to put on a lengthy jacket to cover up that thong-tha-thong-thong-thong as they hit the road. 
The Girl Squad sent out a memo about wearing low cut tops and ordering wine to test Moham’s ability to deal with cleavage and “rose all day”. They wasted no time asking him the tough questions about his dating history, including how many “bases” he had gotten to before meeting Yve. Moe-ho was especially uncomfortable when they asked about his favorite porn movie (which turned out to be about a bidet) as he desperately tried to change the subject. Yve decided to mention the black thong debacle to the squad, throwing her monotone manchild under the bus for being “controlling”. He claimed he was just trying to save his fiance from the fashion faux pas, as well as his desire as a “Man Arabic” (copyright Zied) to not have his fiance’s entire butt exposed. Her friends tried to explain that he needs to let Yve live her best life, girl power, Yaaaaz queen, Yolo, and whatever other coffee mug slogans they could think of. Yve certainly had no problem watching Moe squirm during the Girl Squad Court Session (which of course ruled in her favor because #squadgoals).

The ride home from the big dinner meeting of the minds was tense, to say the least. Moohamit complained about the squad’s disrespectful topics of conversation, feeling as if he was being tested and judged. He was more disappointed with Yve airing out their private disagreements (possibly more upset than her airing out her butt cheeks with the thong). She seemed to be struggling to understand the fine line between respecting his culture, and not wanting to change who she is. Yve felt her willingness to give up wine, pork, and cleavage should earn the right to wear her thong and/or bikini whenever the mood should strike her. She spent the night sleeping on the couch, needing some space from her Mohomobot3000, starting to realize the flaws in this obviously brilliant plan to turn a “Mo”(hamit) into a housewife.

Kara & Gee-Air-Moe:

Kara was bringing Guillermo to her 3 year high school reunion, where she was hired to provide the balloon decorations. She brought her cabana boy along to help, but made it clearly known she was “El Jefe” (that’s “The Boss”, Kenny. Now go blow up some balloons…..). Kara explained that not only is she currently perfect, but she was also perfect in high school; Class treasurer, homecoming queen, head cheerleader, and voted “Most likely to annoy everyone on a reality show” (Emily was runner up). Kara bossed and belittled Guillermo around about everything from his ability to blow up balloons to his general work pace, and had absolutely no regard for her crappy attitude. In between barking orders, she managed to discuss the upcoming inevitable contrived meeting between her current pillowy lipped fiance and her Kevin Federline-esque ex high school beau. After finishing up the balloon arch and the tense conversation, there were a few balloons left over which Guillermo wanted to “give to kids in the street” (I guess instead of telling them to move out of the street, so as not to get hit by cars). Kara’s views on that idea were pretty clear, as she made perfect eye contact with him while popping the balloons with her scissors. Symbolism?! I’d sleep with one eye open…

After running home for a brief wardrobe change, the couple headed over to the reunion, where Kara ditched her date to go be Miss Popular, yet again. She left Guillermo Ricardo alone to fend for himself while she mingled and eventually reconnected with the infamous highschool boyfriend in the yellow camo vest and hat combo (His matching skills were on point. He could actually hang out with Jibri and Miona). Seeing that the two were quite chummy, Guillermo sauntered over to get in on the party. Ex boyfriend Chris (who is now a rapper, with a ponytail and lots of necklaces), explained that though his relationship with Kara was the high school dream, it came at the price of dealing with her controlling ways. Guillermo wanted to high five him in solidarity, but instead remained reserved, and sat back to take it all in. He was shocked to hear that their teenage romance had ended in infidelity on Kara’s part, which El Jefe Kara had conveniently forgotten. This of course scared lil ‘Mo, who was now seeing the boss lady in a new light.
After the reunion, Kara and Gee had to disassemble the balloon monstrosity, using screw drivers to puncture their creation. Lil ‘Mo tried talking to his fiance about the cheating scandal from her past, which she admitted was not the only time that had ever happened. She claimed the cheating was “insignificant” in her mind, even though it raised a red flag for her Latin lover. He also complained about her controlling ways, asking Kara to improve her listening skills and consider his feelings. Of course none of this seemed to hit home, because the only thing more inflated than Kara’s balloon arches, is her ego. 

JibJab & MeowMix:

The matchy-matchy couple headed out in their coordinated pink flannels- over the meadows and through the woods to grandma’s house we go. Unlike most grandma’s with Werther’s Originals candy in the bottoms of their purses, Jibri’s “cool grandma” was described as a “radical feminist lesbian”….with horses. Grandma Jibri must have been a big influence on her grandson, as she also seemed to match her hair to her outfits. Miona jumped right into barnlife, helping Grandma rake the stalls, as she tattle-taled on Mother Jibri and her judgemental attitude. 

Grandma Jibri inquired about the couples’ upcoming nuptials, wondering where exactly the grand event would be taking place. Jibjab seemed fine with marrying his love in his Grandma’s backyard, while Meowna made it known she wasn’t going to settle for anything less than her dream “beesh” wedding. All I know is, that horse better watch its tail….I saw Meowmix eyeing it pretty hard and wouldn’t be surprised if we see it on her head next week. …

Back at the house, Jibri filled Miona in on an important business trip to Chicago that he needed to make for the sake of his band. He did invite Mi-yoko Ono to tag along for the trip, but only under the condition that she get along with his best friend and bandmate, Dah-veed. The alternative would be to stay alone in Rapid City with Mother Jibri and wear a burka. Fearing the lack of coordinating sunglasses to match said burka, she agreed to go to Chicago, but only if she could have her beach wedding. Jibri tried to be rational, bringing up the fact that they can always have a simple wedding now and have a bigger celebration once he achieves his rockstar salary, but Meowmix wouldn’t budge. Miona explained all of the sacrifices she had made so the two could live together in perfect matchy-matchy-rimony, and wouldn’t settle for less than her dream wedding.

Emily & Poor Kobe:

It was the first morning Kobe awoke in his new home, and was instantly greeted by Emily’s milk bags flapping in her flannel while baby Coban19 enjoyed a morning shot. She decided to throw Kobe into the routine by showing him exactly how she likes to do things with baby Coban, correcting him incessantly along the way. Kobe changed the baby once again on the leather couch, which for some reason was actually A-OK in Miss Perfect’s rule book (I guess the couch is the official changing table).
The newly reunited family was setting out to go sightsee all that Salina has to offer. Kobe asked to drive the car, which of course was met with a hardline NO from the bosslady, with her number one reason being that she didn’t trust him driving HER child (Conveniently forgetting the whole “it takes two to tango” factor. She could have said “No” because she was concerned that he hadn’t driven on that side of the road before, or with snow on the ground, or that he didn’t have insurance, etc…. But once again- Mother Superior). Once everyone was in their assigned seats, Emily drove around pointing out the coffee shop and the jewelry store, hinting that Kobe should walk (not drive) himself over when the mood should strike. As they drove on, Emily explained that the baby was not going to be able to sleep with his new Da-da in the bed, and expected him to roll with the punches. Kobe, however, tried to take her down a notch, reminded her that she doesn’t in fact know everything and should try to consider his feelings (and the crowd goes wild!).
After the lackluster tour commenced, the family drove home so Emily could get ready to head off to become “Emily Poppins” and use her superior maternal instincts on other people’s children for pay. This would be Kobe’s first time being alone with baby Coban19, but don’t worry- he was heavily supervised under the watchful eye of Mother Emily with the Good Hair. For someone who knows so much about child rearing, it was painful to see Emily abruptly hand over the baby while screaming for Kobe to soothe (without the power of lactation). He managed to calm little Coban down on his own, even though Mother Emily was lurking around every corner. She made sure to feed the baby lunch before “letting” him watch his own kid. Kobe explained how meaningful it was to spend this time with his son, wishing his late mother could be there to see the fruit of his looms (that was some kind of underwear model pun right there). A while later, just as Emily had returned from work, Kobe decided to give the baby a snack of African peanuts. Of course the snack choice came under criticism from both Emily and her Silver Fox Mother, who were worried about choking hazards and allergies instead of appreciating African delicacies. Kobe was already sick of Emily’s controlling ways, 3 days in, and had his doubts about his ability to tolerate her know-it-all attitude. 

Ari-old yella & Binibiniyumyum:

Back in their new apartment, everyone was wearing their best Ethiopia gear as they discussed their disagreement about moving to NYC. Ariela made it known that they would be Joisey bound until further notice, and tried to put the fight behind them, since they were preparing for a dinner with her entire family.
Biniyam took a break to call his sisters on video chat to stir the pot (because these two have little to nothing else interesting going on. I would honestly rather watch him do backflips…). He told his sisters that he was trying to make things work with Ari, especially for the sake of baby Avi. He worried that Ariela’s siblings would judge him and ask the tough questions about what took place in their past. The sisters Bini let him know that he could always move home (without Ari, of course, as they’d prefer to drink their wine instead of fling it).
Later on it was time for the scripted dinner with all of Ari’s siblings. They eased Biniyam into the hot seat by making small talk about his first thoughts on America before Sister Ari dove in, asking about the couple’s past fights. Biniyam stumbled as he tried to explain the couples’ past troubles during the last time Ariela had left Ethiopia to come home for baby Avi’s surgery. It seemed like Biniyam was always unavailable for phone and video chats, due to his busy social life. He claimed that he was so scared about losing his family (for the second time) that he tried to fill up his dance card with as many events as possible. The conversation moved right into finances, as Father Ari noted that neither of the pair were currently working or had any way of providing. Biniyam brought up his MMA fighting aspirations, even though Father Ari seemed to prefer that he stick to Butt-bongoing (maybe he wanted a plus one ticket). Biniyam told the family that even if things didn’t work out, he and Ari could always just get married for the green card so he could stay (and we will file that one under “things you don’t say out loud in front of your potential walking green card provider’s family”). Ari tried to chalk it up to a mistaken translation, but last time we got a translator, she just sat there….

Bile & Shy-duh:

The two must have made up from last week, as it looked like B-lull had finally gotten himself into the proper date night mood. They walked hand in hand in the “cold like dog nose” weather along a river, as they took a romantic gondola ride. They each confessed their love and certainty to each other, solidifying that they were making the right decision to put the past pranks behind them and move on. However, Shyshy decided to bring up the kid-factor once again, making her perfect prankster prince know that she is serious about wanting to spawn. B-lull expressed his reservations yet again, citing it was all happening so fast and they still had so much to learn about each other before bringing a baby into the mix. He was very hurt after his first marriage ended, and didn’t want history to be repeated (which… he didn’t think about when he decided to “spiritually marry” another woman with almost the exact same name as his ex). Jokes on him!