90 Day Fiancé; S9, EP 6

Blalll & Shy-duh:

Shy-shy put on her lime green blazer over her striped jumpsuit (looking like Beetlejuice) just in time to casually fight with Bilal. She mentioned his OCD tendencies, as he mocked her using his best “Miss Cleo” accent. Luckily the green blazer was not being wasted sitting home in the “oasis of sophistication”, as the couple had big plans to partake in the “Jummah” prayer service. Of course showing up to Bilal’s usual place of worship involved meeting more of his family, Including his ex wife, Shy-heed-uh. Too-Shy-shy-hush-hush-eye-to-eye was feeling extra shyshyshy about meeting Shyheeduh, hoping they will get along so she won’t have to deal with any “toxical problems” (file that one under “things you should think about before going on 90 Day Fiancé”, which is just always full of “toxical” problems). As they drove, Shyshy expressed her nervousness in meeting the rest of the brood, but felt like Bilal was lecturing her instead of listening. He tried to lighten the mood by making her feel self conscious about a “booger” in her nose (potentially with a hair on it). Shyduh, who left her lowbrow humor back in the Caribbean, was annoyed by Bilal’s shenanigans, and lightly smacked him on the head. Wanting to make sure he still had control of the situation, Bilal threatened to pull the car over and have her Uber back to her island if she didn’t keep her hands to herself. He then pulled the car over to the side of the highway to let both Shy-duh and her hairy booger know who’s the boss. He insisted that this “act of violence” (which wouldn’t have actually been enough force to properly swat a fly… or a hairy booger) was a step over the line. Poor Shyduh sat cross-armed as they drove onward in silence. Bilal made a pit stop to pick up his children, and hastily exited the car without communicating where he was going/what he was doing. The tension continued as they headed into Friday night prayer, with Shyduh trying to play it cool while meeting his ex wife (which of course is an uncomfortable situation in the first place). 

After all of the tension on what should have been a spiritually calming evening, Bilal dropped Shy-duh off at the good house so she could be alone to Bend it like Beckham and reflect. He returned later to discuss the car incident, as she tried keeping calm while listening to his nit-picking. Shyduh tried in vain to explain that her actions were made in a joking manner, which was clear by her facial expression (though I feel like she has a serious case of RBF and I wouldn’t have relied on that as part of my defense if I was her. I also would have gotten out of the car on the side of the road and taken my chances if I were her, so there’s that..). She began crying, explaining that she’s all alone in a new country, and trying to acclimate and was still hoping the two could enjoy a date night out together. Bilal continued to “reprimand” her by giving additional lectures on being “disrespectful”, and claimed he was no longer in the mood for a date night, despite her fancy wardrobe change. I guess Shy-duh has to decide how much she’s willing to put up with for her yoga studio…

JibJab & MeowMix:

While Jiblet was off doing important official band stuff, Meowna spent the day home, re-fastening her ponytails and organizing her collection of lycra-spandex in an attempt to curb the boredom. Mother Jibri sauntered into her bedroom to try and spend some quality time, suggesting that laundry would be a good group activity. Meowna was skeptical of Mother Jibri’s intentions, feeling as though she was pretending to be friendly to gain her trust to later be used against her (ya know, some secret therapist reverse psychology moves). The two headed down to the basement for a little washer/dryer tutorial, where Miona focused on the water temperature while her nipples were focused on the room temperature. Like standing at attention, laser focused (Good thing Mother Jibri was wearing glasses, she could have lost an eye). Mother Jibri pulled out a micro leopard print top from the laundry pile, questioning the fabric’s ability to function as a shirt. She tried to use her best therapist voice to explain that Miona was masking her intelligence by wearing dumb sleazy outfits, and she should really cover up so people can experience her mind (Mother Jibri should take her on a shopping spree to Target lately…they have this whole “Little House on the Praire in a 70’s cult” thing going on that would really leave a lot to the imagination).
Later on, Mother Jimjam returned from walking the dogs (in her striped sweater, looking like a “United Colors of Benetton” ad), to find Jibri pouting on the front porch. He dove right in, asking that his mother ease up on Miona and her skimpy outfits of choice, as production played a clip of Meowna tattle telling about the laundry scene while she and Jirbi were driving, wearing matching Southwestern attire. (Those jackets looked like they were made out of couch fabric, and will require a Stanley Steamer to clean them).
Mother Jibri was able to squirm her way out of the hot seat by using her Jedi-therapy mind tricks to make her son realize that maybe Meowna’s DEMANDS and EXPECTATIONS are actually the problem. Though Jibri admits that Miona expects a lot, he still feels like he’s making the right decision in going through with their marriage. Mother Jibri warned her son not to be blinded by short, tight leopard print spandex, and to keep his eyes open in his relationship, as she didn’t want to have to be the one to pick up the hundreds of colorful pieces if things went South. (Dakota. Can we go to Mt Rushmore now??)

Ariela & Binibiniyumyum:

Bini awoke on his first day in America after having worn his colorful headband the whole night (Because he must rep Ethiopia all of the time, even in his sleep). Ariela came into the room to discuss the family’s financial woes, and the fact that her parents now expect the couple to pay for their new 2 bedroom apartment. Bini felt that he would be able to support the family after his MMA fighting career took off, though Ariela researched the average salaries, and it was nothing to write Ethiopia about (and by “researched” I mean she googled it and read the top option on page one).  Ariela took Bini and baby Avi on a tour of downtown Princeton, making sure to point out all of the local hot spots, like the library, post office, and Princeton Butt Bongo Cafe.
The next day Ari took Bini on the infamous New Jersey transit for a day date to the Big Apple. For such a momentous occasion, she needed an equally “epic” outfit, so she chose to go with an African print tank top, camo shorts, bright red sneakers, and some dangly earrings from that fell nicely below her signature fuzzy braided hairstyle (clearly the nanny is only a hairstylist an not a wardrobe stylist.. Who lets this girl walk around like this all of the time?!). Biniyum took to Manhattan right away, using it as his own personal jungle-gym, as he flipped his way through the subway cars. He was so impressed with the big buildings and bustling city life, but particularly intrigued when he encountered his very first public water fountain. He eagerly took a swig from the fountain (and then promptly got Hepatitis A from the bum pee). 

After hopefully washing their hands (and mouth-washing with Lysol) the couple sat down at a bar to chat, where Biniyam threw out the idea that they should move to NYC. Ari was upset by his rash suggestion (less upset than the actual rash he probably got from using a water fountain in NYC). She was still coming  to terms with the fact that she now needs to pay bills for the first time, and began having a mental breakdown of sorts, really putting a damper on the night. Biniyam tried to convince her to take it down a notch, which only made her more furious, causing her braids to frizz up a little higher. She questioned if they were even ready to get married, being that they were on such different pages (or because she didn’t want to contract Cholera). This was another great opportunity for someone to throw wine in her face, but no such luck. 

Patrick & Thighs:

Thighs finally arrived at Casa de Patrick (that’s “Patrick’s house”, Kenny. Where have you been this season?!). She was immediately greeted by Brother John and baby Theodore; Half puppy/half squirrel. After a quick champagne toast to celebrate her arrival, Patrick led Thighs to their new joint bedroom, warning John that he “may want to turn the volume up while he’s watching the Wahlbergs, because things could get noisy- if ya know what I mean” (weird winky face from a small head). After a roid-rager of a good time, they emerged from the bedroom the next morning, where Patrick went to cook the couple breakfast. 
Brother John was already drinking “beehs” at 10am, and didn’t appreciate Thighs’s judgey comments. He somewhat incoherently rambled some comments her way, as he watched Patrick whip up some eggs. Seeing his brother cook inspired John to try and drunkenly cook himself a breakfast steak, which he flipped onto the floor, setting off fire alarms (Luckily for John, a 3 second rule had been enacted. Unluckily for baby dog Theodore, a 3 second rule had been enacted, though the steak was bigger than he was…) John let it be known that Thighs better get used to him drinking his John-John juice in the morning, as he doesn’t plan on stopping any time soon.
Later on the couple was getting ready to head out for a little mini golf date, with Brother John as their third wheel. Patrick tried to convince Thighs to ease up on his Bahston Brutha so there would be harmony in the family house. They all piled into the Delorean and wound up at a very Instagram-worthy bar/mini golf place. Things began smoothly as they put-putted around, until Thighs left the boys alone to have a private chat. Patrick tried to convince John that he should lighten up a bit, and go easier on the Thighmaster. Fueled by emotion (and beer), Brother John became emotional thinking about sharing his brother with another dependent. Patrick also got teary-eyed as he reminisced about their troubled childhood, and all they had been through together. He hopes that the three of them can live together as a happy family (and if there is anyone that can bring these people together, it’s that tiny squirrel-dog, Theodore).

Yve & Moohamit 2.0:

The new couple were having a relaxing day at home. Tharan was tearing it up in the living room to his “Darrin’s Dance Grooves” VHS tape, when there was a knock on the door. Since Yve hadn’t had time to install the bidet, she called in a professional so as not to further upset Moohamit’s boohole. She led the nice plumber and his crack into the master bathroom, but was startled when Mo-ham suddenly appeared, very distraught. He explained to Yve that his culture doesn’t allow women to be alone with plumbers or other service men, even if their 90 day robot-fiance-babysitter is in the next room (and I can’t blame him… I hear plumbers like to lay pipe). Yve tried to remind Mohom that she’s new to his rules, and is having a hard time remembering them all. Of course Moo’s simple solution was to have Yve make a little list of rules that she can carry with her so she shant forget them. Of course the idea of this annoyed Yve, as well as the thought that she may never be alone with another strange man. The plumber (who installed the bidet in about 30 seconds but stood around pretended to screw things in to finish listening to the stupid fight) couldn’t wait to get home to tell Mrs. Plumber one of the more ridiculous conversations he had ever heard. 

Kara & Giggidy-ermoe:

The couple went on a double date of sorts with Kara’s inquisitive friends, Hillary and Cooper. They opened the staged conversation by bringing up the couple’s obvious age gap, followed by asking Gui about his biggest pet-peeves with his soon to be Mrs. Guillermo immediately came out saying that he can’t stand Kara’s drinking habits, her nose crinkling when she does her cackle laugh, her annoying mannerisms, her uppity attitude (Oh wait, that was me. He only said the first part). He let her friends know that Kara’s drinking would often lead to explosive fights (and I’m guessing some really embarrassing karaoke). It’s like a modern day “Lucy/Ricky” situation. Kara brought up a few gripes she had with Mr. Ricardo, which included going through his phone and finding cheesy pick up lines he used with someone else that he also recycled on her. The couple admitted to their peers that there are definitely a few factors they still need to work out, and are not completely on the same page. Friend Hillary seemed to weight in, judging that the couple may be rushing into things way too fast, but if you ask me…. There’s only one Judge. And that’s Judge Judy. And I know she’d also be annoyed by Kara, rolling her eyes as she listened to her speak. Looks like next week Guillermo gets to meet Kara’s ex boyfriend- Virginia’s own version of Kevin Federline. At least THAT should be entertaining! (And now I’m in the mood to watch Judge Judy…)