Before the 90 Days of Our Lives; S5 EP 15

Qween of Comebacks Kimballly & SupadupaStar Sojaboyfriend:

Back in Tanzania…
The renewed couple were laying in bed on the morning of Kimbabygirl’s departure. Kim voiced her frustrations over Sojaboy’s obsession with being on his phone, chalking it up to hashtag MillenialProblems. He playfully teased her, as he rolled over wearing one of her homemade Sojaboy t-shirts (which he got for free, with proof of yamming).
After saying goodbye to their Tanzanian lovenest, they headed out in a cab towards the airport. Poor Kween Kimbally looked more drained and tired than usual, as she expressed her concerns about the couple’s uncertain future. Usman tried to lighten the mood by serenading her with an impromptu song about “the yammy”, which seemed to do the trick (though I can’t say the same for the poor cab driver). When they finally arrived at the airport, Usman made it clear that he was adhering to his strict “no kissing in public” rules. Kimbally looked frustrated and upset as she high fived her Sojaboyfriend and shuffled off awkwardly to catch her flight. The previews for next week show a lone Sojaboy calling Zara in Kimbally’s absence, and I can only wait to see if he’ll go “dey” for her and how many times Kimbally will say “yo” when she finds out.  

Mike & X-men:

After Mike’s late night track meet, he finally returned to the table where X-men sat looking like the sad, salty pirate wench that she is. Mike seemed devastated, realizing that his picture perfect dream where the two of them live happily in the dormered bedroom of the Tostito Palace was now shattered. Now that they were broken up, Xmen asked that Mike stay at a hotel for his remaining 2 nights in town, but Mike begged to stay in the racecar bed (because, it’s a race car bed…), as he sulked in his yellow skull t-shirt. 

When they returned to the casa, Sister Xmen was on the pink sofa, ready for the hot gossip. She tried making small talk with Mike, who claimed to be too tired, and ran upstairs to be alone. He-mena looked slightly sad, as she told her sister that she broke things off, due to Mike’s lack of housebreaking and general bug-like attributes. 
Deep down Mike was hoping that Xmen would change her mind, and this whole thing would just blow over. The next night, unfortunately reality set in, as He-man approached him to return her engagement rings. Mike was shocked and suggested she keep them until after they work out their differences. Ximena tried to explain that she was officially done and there was no turning back. Hearing this flipped a switch in Mike’s bulbous head, causing him to go into defensive mode. He tried explaining to his former “amor” that she is about to lose the best thing that’s ever happened to her, along with the opportunity to move to Nueva York (that’s New York, Kenny). Apparently Ximena is not easily lured by the best pizza and bagels, and insisted that her two little miracles, Juan and Harold Steven (Harold….Steven..) were her best occurrences rather than her former flatulent foreign fling. Mike got more and more angry, accusing her of using him for money for the past year, and revealed that the two had actually met on an adult webcam site, where Xmen was actually XXXmen (aka the whole illustrious “modeling career” she keeps talking about). She had no shame in her game, as she openly discussed meeting Mike, a frequent customer of the website, who offered to take care of her and willingly wanted to pay her rent. 
Mike called her a “hija de puta” (must be his black cartel tank top talking) as he passionately ran around the house, refusing to leave since he’s the one who’s been paying the rent. Sister Xmen went in to talk to him privately, getting him to calm down and agreeing to go to a hotel on the condition that he could come back the next day to say adios to Juan and Harold…..Steven. 
I think Mike better go before they call up the ex sicario to escort him out. Te amo, no mas.

Pastor Ben & Mohog:

Ben made it all the way back to San Bartolo after being ditched last week by the actress formerly known as Mahogany. Even though he had decided on at least 3 separate occasions that both he AND God were done with this relationship, he still opted to reach out one last time. Ben sent Mahogany another one of his signature cryptic text messages, asking her to “meet me at the place where we first met” (which, technically would be “La Milonga” restaurant, or possibly central casting, but I guess the pier was more scenic). Ben sat, shivering, looking almost surprised to see Mahogany actually show up, though she was still annoyed about his lack of breakfast buffet attendance.
Ben tried to explain his decision to opt out of desayuno (that’s breakfast, Kenny) , saying he was annoyed that she hadn’t replied to his 50 bizarre text messages the night before. He seemed to squirm, as he further apologized about not showing up for her parents, who weren’t supposed to be there in the first place. Mohog sat smugly, feeling validated in some way, and decided to forgive him (conveniently ignoring the fact that she stood him up at the airport, pretended they weren’t internet dating in front of her friends, lied about her age, had a fake apartment, and never texted him back). She let Ben know that she didn’t feel like he made her feel important (though generally, making you feel important is perhaps the only thing stalkers are good at doing). Ben apologized, even bringing Mohog a teddy bear (which I hear is what the kids like these days).

After their chat, the two walked hand in hand by the water, where they had a contrived conversation. The leading lady really showcased her bad acting skills that ended in an even more awkward kiss. Ben felt their first kiss was “really hot”, and he claimed he had never felt more passion in a kiss than he did in those 3 seconds (as his ex wife and mother of his 4 children scowled even harder at her tv set on her couch back in Michigan). Mahogany felt that Ben was a good kisser for a man of his age, which begs the question if she has a lot of experience with this demographic.
The next day was Ben’s last in Peru and the two met up to go together to Lima, where Ben would be leaving from. As the cab headed out of San Barolo, Mohog pointed out landmarks from the window, such as the beautiful beaches and her school (hope Ben made sure to check if it was a high school…). Once they reached Lima, they found a park to sit and have a long overdue chat. Ben felt they were finally in a comfortable enough place in their relationship where he could finally ask her what the hell was up with all of the lies. Ben started by asking why she had lied about her “age/sex/location” (for the old school AOL chat frequenters out there), which did not go over well. Hoggy insisted that Pastor Ben was the one hiding things, being that he didn’t go into depth about his tumultuous relationship with his ex wife. Of course none of this made sense, but Ben felt the need to try and answer her- that is, until she abruptly stood up and said she needed to leave. Again. Mohog put on her weird blazer and strutted off towards the cab. Ben was disappointed that he can’t seem to have a full conversation with his “amor”, but probably more disappointed that he wasted money on a translator app when they both speak English perfectly. This whole pretend relationship has got to go.

Memphis & Hazmat:

It was finally the wedding day, and Mother Hazmat was doing everything in her power to spoil the bride to be… including feeding her lamb liver (hey, Pedro’s mom would have fed you chicken feet, and Azan’s mom had a ram skull. You eat that lamb liver, Memphis and you like it!). Memphis sat still as the henna artist painted on the traditional designs for the bride, and then proceeded to cover her face in the wrong shade of concealer (she kind of looked like the Ghost of Memphis Past). Hazmat was both nervous and excited, since marrying an American woman seemed to make the family proud. Father Hazmat even showed up for the festivities, as the entire family gathered in the living room to watch Hamsa receive his 5th haircut of the week. After brushing off all of the tiny hairs, he got dressed in his wedding ensemble and awaited his bride’s big debut. Memphis came awkwardly shuffling out of the bedroom playing the role of little gold riding hood, looking extra sparkly thanks to the glitter bath from the makeup artist (or as Ben would say, M.U.A.). They smiled nervously as the room rang out with happy turkey noises and chanting. Outside, Hamza’s fast and furious friends were all waiting with a squad of motorcycles, as if there was going to be an 80’s motorcycle montage scene. They followed Memphis and Hazmat to the venue, revving their engines and chanting all the while.

The love and acceptance from Hamza’s family was especially emotional for Memphis, who explained she felt like she was being picked up from foster care all over again (ok, maybe cue a slight tear, or a light eye-misting). The wedding ceremony was quick (how Hamza likes things), and consisted of signing a contract and saying a blessing. A hooded Memphis stood awkwardly, unsure of what to do, as she couldn’t understand anything that was going on. She copied the men around her, holding her hands up like the fifth position of the “Macarena” (though she could have just busted out all of the Macarena dance moves and probably would have fit right in). Hamza announced they were officially married, and they set out for their one hour of dancing reception. Afterwards, Memphis told the cameras she was raring to go on the honeymoon, where she planned to get in a lot of uninhibited sexy time as well as drinking (but only a stiff drink for Hamza, no whisky). 
The honeymoon seemed to be going well, until Ugg was feeling a little nauseous (and not even like she had to go “poop”). She snuck out of the hotel room and ran over to CVS-Tunisia and grabbed a pregnancy test, which apparently came back positive. Hazmat was shocked, as Memphis explained “TWO LINES, ONE TWO” very loudly, so he would understand the positive results. It seems as though their first 2 minute sexy time was good for something.
They wrapped up the honeymoon and headed back to tell Mother and Sister Hazmat the big news. Mother Hamza turkeyed with excitement, hoping to buy the baby a matching Hello Kitty sweatshirt as soon as possible. After the initial shock and excitement wore off, reality started to sink in for Memphis, who realized she would be pregnant, tired, and alone with her two other children to care for, and no one to tend to her “Me want ice cream, me want pickles, fish chicken steak”. 

Gino & Jasmania:

Back in Panama… Jasmaniac apparently had a fall out of sorts with her roommate, which resulted in her needing a new place to live. Unable to financially make the sudden move, Gino offered to help pay for own apartment, even though he’s currently Funemployed. Jasmine seemed to have no qualms about Gino paying her rent, since they were now engaged, which made her the official overlord. As they sat on her new futon, Gino tried to explain to his future Mrs. that most of his money is currently from investments, and he was hoping to save his $650k for his retirement (you know he’s already shown her financial statements, probably when they first met, since he’s a creepy weirdo like that). Jasmine felt like the new expense shouldn’t be a huge strain on the half-millionaire, and asserted that when she makes her debut in Michigan, she’d be redecorating the red and light blue paint out of Gino’s house and memory. Of course the idea of spending so much money has Gino shaking in his Birkenstocks, but he managed to keep a forced smile and awkward giggle, too afraid to upset the Panamanian She-Devil. 

Gino snuck out during one of Jasmine’s many naps to grab an unhealthy breakfast pastry (all of the mood shifts must really exhaust her, she takes at least one nap per episode… at least she doesn’t nap DURING the episodes, like some of us). He used this break time to call his Uncle Marco to let him know how things were going. Though Uncle Marco seemed happy to hear about his bonehead nephew’s new engagement, he did advise Gino to make sure to discuss a prenup with Jasmine so he would be protected. Gino knew his uncle was right, but also had a healthy fear of discussing things with Jasmine.  

It was finally the last night of Gino’s Panamanian tour, and the two set out for a romantic last dinner. Things were going seemingly well until Jasmine brought up the fact that she had internet stalked Gino’s ex wife and was now upset that she retained Gino’s last name. She urged Gino to work on having her change it, since she wants to be the one and only Mrs.Gino of Michigan. Noting Jasmine’s rise in temperature, Gino refrained from bringing up the important topic of the prenup, and was now worried about their future. Poor Gino is going to have to wear a protective cup if he ever gets to the prenup topic…or maybe he should just wait until he’s stateside.