Before the 90 Days of Our Lives; S5, EP 14

Gino & Jasminotaur:

Back at the hotel room, Jasmine was nervously biting her nails, unsure of Gino’s exact location since he went AWOL after their last blow up. She roamed the hotel grounds, finally stumbling upon a trail of rogue baseball caps which eventually led her to a sulking Gino. He explained he was tired of being punished for the same offense repeatedly, and would like to move on (I feel the same way, Gino…but please stop texting me topless pictures of Jasmine). Jaz cried, confessing her bizarre love for Forrest Gump Jr., even if he is creepy from time to time. The two made up, with Gino promising not to let any more “crazy exes”come between them. Jasmine seemed relieved to have made up, trying to smooth the situation over with a little joke about how he “wouldn’t want HER as an ex” (They say there’s a little truth in every joke, and that scenario has the makinging of the Panamanian version of “Fatal Attraction”).|
The reunited couple then set out on a day trip to the mountainside to visit a natural spring (which was brave or maybe stupid of Gino to go into the jungle alone with Jasmine after a fight). They seemed to have a romantic time, and Gino even felt comfortable enough to take off his hat- if only for a moment, allowing us to catch a glimpse of his skunk mullet.
Back at the hotel, they got all dressed up to take a stroll in the rain. Jasmine was admiring the mountains, only to turn back around and see Gino down on one knee, presenting a ring in a plastic ring box, but backwards, so the opening was facing him (…probably strategically backwards, so she couldn’t see the lackluster engagement ring he bought at the pawn shop). He expressed his love in a short but sweet speech, before asking her to become Mrs. Gino.. Jasmine accepted the proposal, for some unknown reason, as happy maniacal giggles rang throughout the mountainside of Panama. Feeling like he was “on top of the world”, Gino proclaimed “WE GOT MARRIED!!” unsure of how all of this works (obviously you didn’t get married, Gino. No one exchanged toothbrushes).
When asked what she thought about the ring, Jasmine carefully claimed to “love it”, answering diplomatically by saying the ring “screamed Gino”. The newly engaged couple seemed to be genuinely happy (for this episode at least) as they cheersed with their fruity drinks and strolled back to their room.

Queen of Comebacks-Kimbally & SupadupaStar Sojaboy:

Usman was having an official “USB” staff meeting at the resort, filling them in on Kimbally’s “big splash” from last week. Of course “the management” did not appreciate the way she had treated “the talent”, and advised him to walk away from BGL-the sequel. 
Back at the honeymoon suite, Kim was packing her suitcase as part of her empty threat to head home early, since she and Sojaboy were Mother Debbie Done (Her whole wardrobe is comprised of Sojaboy t-shirts, you’d think she’d just leave them there if she was really over it. Also, I can’t even imagine what that change of flight difference would cost, let’s be real)..
While she was packing she received a text from Usman, asking her to meet him by the pool. 
She tied her top ponytail super tight for a little extra facelift, and put on her most blingy top as she headed out to the meet spot. Kween Kimbally was shocked to be greeted by a romantic dinner setup awaiting her, as she sat down, unsure of what to expect next. She turned to see none other than Sojaboy approaching, singing-unplugged and sans autotune, a new song he wrote especially for her (well, so he claimed. The lyrics vaguely mentioned it was about a woman he “met on the internet’ who he “would go dey for “ and who made him “hydrate”). Kimbally teared up, moved by the emotional performance, which fully redeemed Usman and brought him back in her good graces.
They briefly discussed their future, once the relationship went back to long distance status, and he even invited his Queen to come to Nigeria to meet him mom (who was looking forward to another round of goat for her and her friends from the stoopit Americans her son keeps bringing home). Kimbally felt “official”, yet again, and was excited for one last yamming before her flight home.

Memphis & Hazmat:

Hazmat was on the veranda staring off into the distance, contemplating what his cave-bride-to-be must be thinking, all while his family danced happily around the living room. Memphis was at her hotel room trying to decide whether or not she should go through with the wedding, since she now didn’t have enough time for a prenup. She was touched to receive a text message from Sister Hamza, who was showing off the family’s sweet dance moves in anticipation of the couple’s wedding. At the end of “Me thinking time”,  Memphis decided to head back to the house with the intention of pushing back the wedding. 
Memphis reached the 75th floor of Mother Hamza’s apartment building, fearing it had been overrun by wild turkeys. But upon entering, she was relieved to see if it was only Hazmat’s family members partaking in pre wedding festivities (Not gunna lie… wild turkeys would have really kicked this up a notch). 
The ladies in the house whisked the bride-to-be off to the other room to dress her in the traditional pre wedding garb, which included a head covering and some type of chain mail necklace that went over her face (presumably a Tunisian muzzle, and I’m sure Hamza wishes they would have done that 6 episodes ago). They sang and danced, occasionally while holding candles, all before ushering her outside into a horse drawn carriage (reminiscent of Rubekkuh’s entrance at her wedding soooo mach sexy yes). The singalong continued as they went to a bath house for a ritual pre wedding dunk, where the ladies in waiting gave her yet another outfit and more singing (I believe they were singing the Tunisian version of “Earth, Wind and Fire”’s “September”, because would it even be a wedding without it?!)
Memphis loved and appreciated all of the attention, even though she had no idea what was going on. As the party moved back to the house, she finally found a minute to pull Hamsa and Sister Hamsa away from the celebration to have a serious conversation about signing a postnup agreement. Memphis had Sister Hazmat translate (the other translator Hamadi was probably unavailable, as he was touring Tunisia in the off Broadway Tunisian production of “Cats”). Sister Hazmat was not thrilled with the lack of trust from Memphis, and advised her brother to rethink his decision to marry, let alone signing the paperwork. Though he wasn’t thrilled with the approach, Hazmat agreed to sign the papers, trying to appease his monotone bride to be (so glad the wig was covered for 90% of this episode).

Ben & Mahog:

Back at the surprising sand dunes of Peru (who knew?!), Mahog was hanging out with her fake dad, talking smack about the good pastor. She claimed Ben’s behavior has been a bit erratic, and she was displeased with the way he skipped out on the breakfast buffet last week. Father Mahog advised his made-for-tv daughter to find someone her own age, who preferably doesn’t dabble in creative writing. 
Ben appeared on the screen this week, looking like he stepped directly out of J. Peterman catalog with his Urban Sombrero, and his simple-yet elegant lady’s poncho from Chico’s (come to think of it, he could actually be hired to write copy for the J. Peterman catalog. “We were on a runaway train, but I said ‘who cares- I have my Urban Sombrero’). While wearing his ridiculous getup, he explained the faux pas with the Parents Mahog and the breakfast debacle, as he waited for them to show up so they could all talk. He was surprised when his beloved Mahogany came in, riding solo. She handed him a letter from her father, making sure to translate it, without actually relaying what it said. Ben let her know that he skipped out on breakfast because she had ignored his many text messages the night before. Hoggy felt that Ben was being immature, (a subject she is very familiar with), and told him she would like to leave.. 
After packing his bags to leave the hotel, Ben headed towards Mahogany’s room (still wearing his ridiculous hat) to meet up so they could spend the next 3 hours in uncomfortable silence on the drive back to San Bartolo. He knocked on the door, only to have a random man answer, looking confused and claiming there was no one named “The Mahogany” in that room (only an abandoned surfboard remained behind…..)
Ben became frazzled, dragging his bags all through the hotel trying to find his one true love. Realizing that her car wasn’t in the parking lot, he decided to check in with the front desk. He was shocked to hear that Mahogany had checked out the night before, leaving him stranded on a desert island (or a desert in Peru. Who knew?!). He asked the hotel employee to help him get a ride back to San Bartolo, which ended up setting him back $250, and told them to charge it to “God’s plan”. Ben was shocked, claiming that these actions were clearly that of a 22 year old (definitely not of a 24 year old), and feels stupid for persuing the relationship. Because he is.

Mike & X-Men:

Mother Ximena sat down over a cup of coffee to discuss the situation with Mike. Unlike her bad-boy loving daughter, Mother X seems to see Mike as a good person who has the ability to give her daughter and grandchildren a better life. Xmen, on the other hand, was still creeped out by Mike’s bug-like behavior and sniffing his farts all the time, and felt like she would rather play the field (or yard. They call it a yard in prison). Mother X wanted to make sure he was taking the time on this trip to get to know her daughter a bit more without creeping her out.
The couple decided to go out on the town and play a little pool. In an attempt to be more of X’s type, Mike wore yet another skull print t-shirt, while Homena wore a tank top, silk doo-rag like a pirate, cross necklace, and booty shorts over fishnets.Throughout the car ride to the date night, Xmen seemed annoyed and repulsed by Mike, clinging tightly to her side of the car.
Though Mike claimed to be somewhat of a pool shark, he failed to impress his pirate-themed date, who would have much rather made him walk the plank. They decided to grab a few beers as they sat and talked about the state of their relationship. Mike claimed to be having a whale of a time playing pool, but X said she would rather be listening to baby shark with Juan and HarryStevie instead. He questioned if she was even still interested in having a relationship (as if the last three episodes of her being grossed out were any indicator) and was shocked when she said they could just be friends. He finally brought up the fact that she seemed to become disinterested when he had stopped his willingness to buy her things, and requested that he could bring all of the items he purchased back to NY when he left (good thing he didn’t pay for the boobs, that would have been difficult). Seeing the cold expression on Xmen’s face caused Mike to fill up with emotion as he got up from the table and took off running (Pol style) through the busy Colombian streets. Ximena looked somewhat sad, as she sulked from her seat at the table, off to see who else she could give her pirate booty to. 

The preview for next week showed Mike must have ran wee-wee-wee all the way home, and was refusing to leave a house where he pays the rent, even upon Ximena’s request. He also seemed to have traded in his usual “te amo” repertoire  to something a little more appropriate, when he ended the segment by calling her a “puta pirata” (That’s “Pirate hooker”, Kenny. And I said it, not Mike. I can’t wait to watch him tell her off next week).