Before the 90 Days of Our Lives; S5, EP 12

Queen-For-A-Day Kimbally & International Supaboyfriend Sojaboy:
Back in Spicy Village… the heat turns up as Kimbally and Sojaboy resume their fight from last week. Kimbally learned the devastating truth that she was not the one that repaired Sojaboy’s heart, post-BGL. She had previously asked if the hit song “Zara ” was about any other chain smoking AARP member in particular, but had been told by Usman that it was his generic name for ALL women everywhere. Kimbally symbolically removed her grass crown as she ran off to the van, threatening to leave the relationship and Tanzania, yo. Usman’s crown never waivered, as he tried to convince his Qween for the day that he still wanted to go “der” for her, despite her tantrum.
Back at the hotel, Usman brought his entourage with him up to the honeymoon suite to reluctantly return the PS5 and MacBook (which you know was more of a gesture). Kim nervously flitted around the room, pretending to pack, as she claimed the relationship was done (which if true, would make it the shortest in 90 Day history, coming in at slightly under 24 hours). Usman tried to calm her down, stating that he just wanted to be honest about the Zara situation moving forward, and that Kimbally was blowing everything out of proportion. Try though he may, Kimbally decided the love was gone, and she’d rather grab the macbook and whatever shred of dignity was left and high tail it out of there. Hopefully they’re able to work things out… I’d hate for her to have to get a new wardrobe (but if they do break up and she keeps the massive collection of Sojaboy t-shirts, she can tell her next boyfriend it’s just some guy named “Zara”).

Gino & Jasmine:

Gino was awkward as ever as the couple staggered into Mother Jasmine’s place. They were greeted by both Jasmine’s mom and younger sister, who seemed excited to see Jasmine, but indifferent about meeting her new beau. Right off the bat, Mother Jasmine brought up the huge age gap between the couple, noting that she and Gino could have been classmates. 
Mother Jasmine seemed thoroughly annoyed with Gino’s request to keep his hat on during the dinner blessing, but let it slide so as not to make things more tense. Gino’s idea of dinner conversation involved asking about Jasmine’s past relationships, which was underappreciated by Mother J. Sister Jasmine tried to ease the tension by busting out the old photo albums. As they looked, Jasmine came across a photo from her high school graduation, reminding Gino of the age gap by noting that was the same year he probably got married (and picked out the paint colors…. WHO PUTS LIGHT BLUE AND RED TOGETHER??). She also saw a picture from college, pointing out that was probably around the same time Gino purchased his first baseball hat to make his bald mullet.
Gino nervously tapped the toe of his huaraches waiting for the right time to ask for permission to propose. He finally blurted it out, with Jasmine translating as her mother looked like someone killed her puppy. Mother Jazz recognized that her daughter seemed to have made up her mind, so she decided to go along with the horrible plan, instead of incurring the wrath of the Panamanian she-devil.  

After the tense “meet the madre” evening, the couple headed back to the hotel to get in a little cardio, by way of dancing….. (well, JASMINE was dancing. Gino was flailing around like one of the inflatable tube guys outside of a car dealership). He took a break from his jazzercise to call his brother Tony for a little “Ay, Yo…. “ and update. Gino told Tony he was planning on proposing to Jasmine, despite some of their problems during the trip. Tony couldn’t understand why his bonehead brother would go through with proposing if the couple couldn’t even get along for a week in paradise, but ay, fuggetaboutit. 
Though things seem to be even keeled for now, next week looks like another blow up is on the horizon (they were due, it’s been like 20 minutes…)

Ben & Mahogany:

Ben was enjoying a quick swim in his flamingo print trunks while caffinating, as he reflected on his most recent Mahogany encounter. He decided to call his friend Jason to fill him in, who was semi shocked to hear Ben recount the tale of Mahog’s fake house and actual age. Although his friend tried to warn him to tread lightly, Ben still insisted on having more “bonding time” with liar-liar Mahogany on fire.   
He meets up with Mohog and her amigas femininas (that’s girlfriends, Kenny), to grab some ice cream, braid each other’s hair, and listen to the latest Taylor Swift album (ya know, girl time). It seems that Ben upgraded to the newest Jihoon translator device- now with 5G, so he could gab with the gals at lightning speed. Of course his presence during the hangout sesh was uncomfortable (and outwardly looked like the host from “To Catch A Predator” was about to pop out of the bushes, saying “Hi, I’m Chris Hansen…Have a seat.”), but nonetheless Ben was happy to meet the Friends Mahogany. As they enjoyed their frozen treats, the girls were questioning why Hoggy brought her Youth Pastor along for the day, and even more surprised to hear him announce himself with the title of “Boyfriend”. This of course bothered Ben to no end, as he had been sent by a higher power (using all of his Delta miles) on this love journey and was baffled as to why she was being so nonchalant about their relationship status. Though the two had been chatting online and via text about marriage and their future children, Hoggy was surprised that Ben took all of that seriously. He just sat there, stunned, staring at his beloved as the wind blew through her hair (which was hacked into layers by a machete at Super Chops, the exclusive Peruvian mall chain salon. They specialize in machete cuts, which is quickly going to become a thing on TikTok). 

The next day, Ben sat down to reflect on the crappy ice cream date. He reviewed the non-couple’s past text messages to cross check if she had really declared her love for him and in fact wanted to be together (in fairness, she did type “kitty emoji, heart eyes, ice cream…so I’d say so). Though he was all kinds of confused, he had asked Mohog to accompany him on a trip to get to know each other more in depth.They had a nice awkward car ride, discussing everything from traffic patterns to Jesus’s feelings, and in between. Ben made sure to reserve two hotel rooms (as stated in Mahogany’s rider for being on the show) and the two had an awkward goodnight send off.

The next day, Ben met up with Mahogany in a mismatched striped outfit and walked hand in hand for a little excursion to meet up with Memphis and Hazmat (well, at least that’s what I thought, since they were suddenly in a desert terrain, because I’m a stoooopid American. See, Ma? This show isn’t rotting my brain, it’s educational!). The two went on some kind of dune buggy ride to an isolated spot in the desert where Ben had arranged a romantic dinner. Mahog began the “get to know ya” portion of the evening by asking Ben what he was like when he was her age (though she didn’t specify if she was asking about age 22 or 24). Ben talked about his previous marriage struggles and tumultuous relationship with his ex wife. He then changed the topic to their current non relationship, confused as to why she had been leading him on and then denying they were in a relationship. She explained that she tends to work backwards, talking about marriage and kids, busting out the three letter words BEFORE dating someone (probably because she’s on the other side of the equator.. It’s always the opposite, like flushing the toilet). Mahogany asked if Ben had ever dated other youngins, and implied that he didn’t take responsibility for his mistakes in his previous relationships. This was a huge red flag for Moe, and she seemed doubtful about their non relationship. As they retired to their respective hotel rooms later that night, Ben told the camera crew that he had texted Mahogany more in depth explanations to her earlier questions, but was ghosted once again. It seems as though God was trying to send him a message about a train….that he should get on, and leave, like right away. Or just dance. With Gino, preferably. 

Mike & X-men:

Mike used the translator to get to the bottom of X-men’s recent change of heart. She explained that while she’s not currently in love with him, she does love the apartment he pays for and his small appliances (well, the ones he bought her, not the one  that keeps pointing at her every time he creepily says “te amo”). She claims to need time and space away from Mike (because New York apparently is not far enough from Colombia….) and is now doubting the relationship. Xmen cut the relentless relationship talk short, sending Mike off to sleep in the kids’ bedroom, but luckily in a racecar bed (He’s a car guy, I don’t think he minded).  Underneath the “Thomas the Train” bed sheets, Mike made a call to his friend John to go over all that had transpired on the Colombian vacay; Part dos. John tried to talk sense into his old pal, cluing him in that Xmen was defeinitey a User Moohamit, and he should leave as soon as possible. Though Mike seemed to acknowledge the facts, he still wanted to have John’s Spanish-speaking fiance, Nelcy, play Adam-the-translator so the couple could get everything out in the open (I would have translated for him, but helping Kenny out is my full time gig).
The next morning, Mike and Ximena went to a cafe for privacy (because apparently a public cafe was more private than the confines of Casa de la Xmen con Dinero de Mike (that’s the house that Ximena lives in because Mike pays for it, Kenny). He called his friend Nelcy on video chat, who was ready to sacrifice her time and efforts for the sake of all of our entertainment (not all heroes wear capes). She dug right in, asking Xmen the tough questions as to why she had a change of heart during this visit. 

Besides his general neediness, Ximena explained that Mike was “piggish, degenerate and rude”, with his constant flatulence and sloppiness. But the real nail in the coffin seemed to be that he creeped her out when he watched her sleep. Nelcy chuckled as she translated to her friend (the human Garbage Pail Kid), who maintained that he was only basking in Xmen’s beauty, and not just being a creep. But hey-At least Mike just wanted to watch her sleep, instead of dormir con los peces like her last boyfriend! (that’s “Sleep with the fishes”, Kenny, because the ex was a sicario). Ximena also confessed to Nelcy that she used to be employed before meeting Mike, but was currently on his payroll, which included food, housing, kid’s stuff….basically everything but boobs. After letting Mike in on the hard facts, Nelcy concluded that Xmen was not in it for the right reasons, and suggested X become an Ex Asap. It sounded like Mike was finally taking the hint, saying he would try and head home sooner than expected. Just then, Xmen realized all she was about to lose, and had a flashback of her struggles as a single mother/ nail technician, and told Mike she would be willing to work on things, though her pained expression would suggest otherwise. 

Memphis & Hazmat:

Back in Tunisia, Hazmat still appears to be distraught, muddling through each day with his cavewoman overlord. Since they seem to be having trouble communicating, the couple decided to sit down with a translator to hashish out some of their pre marital issues. (Unfortunately Translator Adam was unavailable, since he was still seeking intensive therapy from dealing with Yazan and The Brittany. He was sorely missed)
Luckily the new translator had a lot of spunk and pizzaz, and was just the third wheel these two needed. He worked hard to add vocal variety and connecting words as he translated Memphis’s dronings (and I’m going to have to agree with Randy Jackson- He really made it his own, dawg). It seemed that Hazmat’s main concern was that Memphis would end up staying with her ex husband and leave him. He was also bothered by her constant yelling, which was news to her- she thought everyone liked being yelled at. Memphis realized her tendencies to escalate quickly (not in the same way as Hamza), and agreed to try and be more patient. 
Since everything had seemed to have been ironed out (thanks to the theatrics of the translator, doing the most), Hazmat decided to whisk Memphis off on a day trip to Hammam Zriba, an ancient town of ruins (well, if it wasn’t ruined before, it will be now). The city had beautiful mountains and stone buildings, but lots of random sheep, chickens, and dogs wandering around (luckily Memphis was only in the mood for chicken, steak, fish). Hamza left her standing alone with the wildlife, as he ducked down an alleyway and stripped down to his batman underoos in some random goat herder’s front yard, only to reappear wearing white dress clothes. He took Memphis by the hand to a scene cliff where he was deciding to either get down on one knee, or push her over. After much internal struggle, Hazmat dropped down on one knee in the white pants, onto the ancient dirt and asked Memphis “Do you want marry me??” To which he received a resounding “Me do”. 
The couple side-kissed, announcing they were now officially engaged. Although things seem to be heading in a positive direction, next week’s episode shows Mother Hamza stirring the pot….with the help of the delightful translator. Let’s keep that guy on the payroll.

Some Crying Girl and A Guy on Videochat:

At the end of this episode a robust woman appeared, crying, as she explained to a man inside of her computer that she had cheated on him. It took me a few minutes to remember, but it was Ella and Johnny. Production just feels like they should throw them in a disjointed segment every now and then for good measure. Looks like they’ll be back next week!