Before the 90 Days of Our Lives; S5, EP 11

Queen Kimbally & International SupaBoyfriend Sojaboy (ISS):

It was the morning after the yam session, and newly anointed Qween Kimbally was all a-glow in her royal chambers. She enlightened us with a lesson on “African Sex” education (with the distinction being that you apparently don’t grease the pan before putting the yam in the oven….just set to 350 and begin mashing right away). Kimbally (wearing yet another Sojaboy themed t-shirt) could not contain her excitement as she discussed Soja’s ability to put the yam down, flip it and reverse it, (not even twice baked, but 4 times over). She high-fived Usman, as he sat solemnly on the bed, looking distant and reserved while discussing his calculated decision to take this big step in the relationship. He felt her loyalty and dedication earned her the title of “Qween”, and envisioned her one day wearing a sequin Sojaboy themed gown, walking the red carpet beside him at the Grammys (Or the Grannnys. That’s the award he’s most likely to be nominated for).
The Sojacouple decided to leave their love nest and take their first day trip with their new found titles to Zanzibar for a tour of a local spice farm.The tour guide could sense their fresh romance, explaining that the this was a great place for couples to gear up for the “night food”, (aka sexy time, in the regional dialect). As the tour moved along, each oddly shaped spice plant they encountered was met with some sort of sexual innuendo, as if they were on an 8th grade field trip. At the conclusion of the tour, the couple were given crowns made of thatched leaves, dubbing them “King and Queen of Spicy Village”. Queen Spicy Girl Kimbally was even presented with a matching leaf necklace and bracelet set from Zay Jewelers, (That’s the Kay Jewelers branch in Zanzibar, Kenny). Apparently Usman missed the memo that “Every kiss begins with Zay”, as he managed to dodge any form of PDA with Kimbally, due to his “culture” (which has apparently become a lot more strict following BGL’s visit). 

As the spice tour concluded, King Sojaboy whisked Queenbally away to sit down for a serious conversation. He felt it was the right time to let her know that his new hit song “Zara” was not just about a chain store in the mall, but in fact about his previous online babyloveee. Of course Kimbally started to freak out, worrying that Jesse was right, and that her new found joy was all just “an illusion”. Hopefully nobody needs to call her a Yambulence when she hears the whole story.

Ben & The Actress Hired To Play “The Mahogany”:

Meanwhile, back in Peru….
Ben was gearing up for another awkward Mahogany encounter, applying self tanner for the perfect sun-kissed glow. The bronzer was supplied by Ben’s “MUA” (which is an industry abbreviation for “makeup artist”, but generally you just use the word…. “makeup artist”. We get it, Ben. You’re a big time model, with an “MUA”. The only thing that could have made that funnier would have been if he pronounced it “muah” like he was blowing a kiss, and winked the eye). Ben’s “mua” was probably at home laughing, as she had given the “talent” a glitter bronzer, to help him shimmer and shine with confidence. 
Topless Ben chattered on nervously as he took his sweet time getting dressed, only to put his shirt on inside out and have to take it off to start over again (he had to make sure his old abs got as much screen time as possible). He hopped in a tiny cab disguised as a motorized roller skate to meet Moe-hog on the picturesque boardwalk of San Bartolo. After waiting only a short while this time, Hoggy appeared wearing 50 shades of tan, as she came in for a dramatic hug. The two seemed much more chummy since their previous encounter/ awkward conversation about empanadas the day before. They made their way to a seaside restaurant for a little ceviche and conversacion (that’s raw fish and chit-chat, Kenny), where Mahogany admitted that she still had reservations about Ben. He felt Mohog was being influenced by her father, who was weary of the relationship since Ben is so much older, and obviously isn’t easily deterred by filtered photos. Ben felt it would be best if he could meet the Parents Mahogany so he could win them over with his toothy smile and a wink. 

Later that night Ben got fancy and headed over to Mahogany’s “apartment” where she supposedly lived with her parents for the big meeting. She greeted him at the door, seeming almost surprised to see him there (but then again, she probably didn’t even get a chance to read the script before showing up for her audition to play “Peruvian online girlfriend of other creep from Michigan”).Ben stepped in and was immediately impressed, though wary of the living quarters (which was pretty obviously an AirBNB situation). As Hoggy began the apartment tour, Ben took note of the quasi empty living room, with nothing on the shelves except a few random board games and a random decorative surfboard. His mind began to whirl with ideas of a story:”Runaway Surfboard”. It was about a couple who were surfing, when a shark attacked, and they said “who cares, let’s dance” (cue the Beach Blanket Bingo surf music)….I digress..

Mahogany’s decorating style was that of a strict Ron Jon minimalist; There was not one item of decor in the entire apartment,except the surfboard. The rest of the tour included the kitchen area (with strategically placed pots and pans on the stovetop that looked brand new), and the bedroom, which had nothing but a bed. We also got to see Mahogany’s guest room, which had nothing except white wooden bunk beds, which she explained were for her friends to sleep over (and for the old school 90 Day people, I think they recycled Antonio and Corny’s white bunk beds for this scene). Even Ben caught on that this was obviously not where she really lived (fake space for a fake face). He was positive Mahogany had told him during their extensive 3 month online courtship that she had lived with her parents, and was confused.
Right at the conclusion of the “tour”, the doorbell rang on cue, and it was the Parents Mahogany (Production found a nice couple fishing off of the pier and slipped them a twenty to come pretend to be her parents). As they all sat down to chat amongst the surfboard, the faux  Parents Mahogany feigned concern about Ben’s intentions. Ben was polite and pleasant, as he mustered up the few Spanish phrases he had memorized (he one-upped you, Kenny), but the Parents were still not sold. Somehow in the conversation, they let it slip that they counted the rings on Mahogany’s tree trunk and low and behold there were only 22 (instead of the 24 like she had told Ben). He seemed pretty shocked with the two year age discrepancy (and I’m having Memphis/Hamza dejavu. Can we at least wait a season before recycling a storyline?!). Ben promptly excused himself and slunk out of the scene, suddenly feeling uneasy that he was online dating someone the same age as his own daughter. In conclusion, God’s plan sounds like more of a prank. 

Gino & Jasmine:

After the infamous “drama of the nudes”, the newly reunited couple packed their belongings to finally leave the dreaded island. Jasmine confessed to keeping one of Gino’s t-shirts after their fight, thinking it would be something to remember him by (though I’m sure keeping one of his 45 hats would have been more personal). Gino also admitted to keeping a love memento, by way of a broken fingernail he found of Jasmine’s (probably lost during an attack). Jasmine seemed creeped out yet also impressed by Gino’s keepsake, as he scrambled through his suitcase full of free pens he took from TD Bank, to show her. Aside from the nail clippings, Gino also was able to recover the discarded engagement toothbrush, which he cleaned up and packed so Jasmine’s smile would be bright and shiny (the nuclear properties on the island really help to add an extra glimmer). 
The couple were looking forward to heading to Chiriqui in Western Panama, where they planned to meet Mother Jasmine so Gino could get the stamp of approval. They arrived at their new beautiful hotel (which hopefully has no breakable items in the room and is staffed with an adequate amount of security guards). Gino proposed that Jasmine take a nap so he could secretly go into town and look for an engagement ring. Due to the recent breach in trust, Jasmine’s security measures were heightened, and she agreed to let him go so long as he updated her every 10 minutes with photographic evidence of his whereabouts (it would have been much easier if she would have put a lojack under one of his hats, that way she could be sure it would stay put).
When Gino arrived in the shopping area, he made sure to text JazzyJ pictures of his surroundings, which included a rack of nightgowns priced at $3.99 (He’d better be careful, one of those nighties looked like the one Queen Kimbally wore, and that may make Jasmine think Gino was yamming around town!) He wandered into a jewelry store and picked out the cheapest, yet second to ugliest ring they had in stock so he could really wow Jasmine when she told him to propose. He made it back to the hotel, keeping the ring under wraps, as the two sat together preparing to meet Jasmine’s family. Gino had thought it would be a nice gesture to bring his future mother in law some chocolates and a card (which he filled out with one of his many, many TD Bank pens), writing his message in English so Jasmine could translate it into something much more thoughtful for her mother in Espanol. As the couple headed out via cab to Mother Jasmine’s place, Jasmine tried to coach Gino on how to behave. She emphasized the importance of being polite and respectful, even letting him know her mother may request him to remove his hat during the mealtime prayer. Gino stared blankly into space as the song “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…” ran through his head (RIP Meatloaf), and he let Jasmine know he was not yet ready to share his bald mullet with the familia.
Can’t wait to see Mother Jasmine’s reaction to the creep from Michigan! Anyone got a pen?!

Mike & X-Men:

It’s round two of Mike’s Colombia tour and the day’s agenda began with wedding dress shopping. Xmen looked tortured (maybe still hungover from last week), as she rode in the cab with Mike to the bridal dress salon. She was upset that her mom and sister weren’t available and that Mike, the stage 5 clinger, had to tag along. Believing that it’s bad luck for the groom to see the wedding dress before the wedding, X-men made Mike promise not to peek (though when there’s an ex boyfriend who’s a hit man in the mix, I’m thinking the wedding dress superstition is the least of the problems). He-man instructed the sales girl to refrain from showing her anything with sparkles, so as not to overshadow her sparkling personality. Though she seemed to have fun trying on the “divine” dresses, X-zema couldn’t help but feel angry with Mike for agreeing to buy a dress, but not the boobs to go in it. Mike couldn’t understand why Xmen was so focused on making her boobies more biggie when she should be focusing on their future together in the attic apartment of Dad and Pop’s Tostito Palace.

Back at the casa, Xmen was using Juan and Harold Steven (Harold…and Steven) as human shields to deflect having to be alone with Mike. As he sat next to her on the bed in his most come-hither black tank top/rosary necklace combo, Mike told her they needed to talk mono y mono. He asked Xmen if there was any chance of intimacy on this second voyage to Colombia, (but my magic 8 ball says ”Outlook not so good”).  She seemed to be thoroughly annoyed by his general presence, along with the fact that he’s a bit of a capiar gato (that’s “copycat”, Kenny); If she eats, he eats. If she walks across the room, he walks across the room. If she dresses like a cartel member,he throws on the black tank top. If she gets a boob job….well, I guess we’ll just have to wait and see…… X-men went on to call her fiance “weird”, bothered by the fact that he smiles and watches her while she’s sleeping (hey, it’s just one of his many love stares. I guess that’s so much weirder than a sleepover at the sicario’s house with a pile of severed heads staring at you from the corner). Xmen explained that she’s used to having a bit more personal space in a relationship, since she generally dates prisoners and contract killers, and feels the flame with Mike has fizzled. Poor Mike needs to find someone else to te amo and stare at todos los dias (Just google it, Kenny)..

Memphis & Hazmat:

Back on the rooftop gym, Memphis and Hazmat were having a serious discussion about whether or not they should get married during this trip. It just dawned on Hazmat that the two still barely know each other (I believe Oprah calls this an “Ah-Ha(mza)” moment), and was weary after hearing his mother’s concerns. Memphis, on the other hand, resorted to caveman ultimatums, and completely flipped her wig (no really… that thing is now on sideways. One wrong gust of wind- or hang out session with Mike, and that thing will blow away, possibly landing on a passing-by camel, making him the most fabulous camel in all of Tunisia, as he struts around saying “Me look fabulous”). 

Hazmat admitted to being afraid of Memphis, being that she has previously been “divor-assed”, and he worried that she may leave him all alone in the U.S. After they clarified the number of divorasses under her belt, Memphis segued into letting Hamdizzle know about her previous slumber party with her one and only ex-husband. Hazmat took off running, unwilling to hear the rest of the story, and probably excited he now had a legitimate excuse to exit the relationship, stage left. Memphis trailed behind him, calling “Hamz! Hamz!” in her nasal voice, trying to explain “Me no sexy time me divor-assessed ex husband. Okay?” But he no accept this.

Mother Hazmat couldn’t help but notice there was a little trouble in paradise, and tried sticking her nose in (all while wearing her favorite Hello Kitty shirt). Memphis asked to speak with Hamz privately, pulling him in the bedroom to remove their microphones and block the cameras. Minutes later they emerged, seemingly having made up (they could have gone in there for make-up sexy time, they were in there for 2 minutes after all..).  Memphis then explained to the cameras that her 4 day stay with her ex husband was due to falling into a deep state of depression after failing her state boards. She continued on saying it was a very dark time in her life, and she wasn’t able to take care of her children, let alone feed herself (chicken, steak, fish). In the meantime, what does a camel wearing Memhis’s wig eat for lunch??
“Haaay girl haaaay!”