Before the 90 Days of Our Lives; S5, EP 7

Kimbally & ISS (International Supastar Sojaboy):

Now that the big music video shoot is behind them, Kimbally and Usman finally have time to be alone together. As they headed in the cab to see the sights of Tanzania, Kimbally got a bit flirtatious with her Nigerian Idol, making it clear that she was ready to remove the title of “potential”. Usman seemed to be able to dodge her advances, as the two strolled hand in hand through the shops in historic Stone Town (which is not named after Johnny’s son…but Stony town sounds cuter). They came across a souvenir shop with a variety of fedoras, which of course made Kimbally think of her main man Michael Jackson, so she encouraged Sojaboy to try one on. Though he was weirded out by Kimbally’s “ King of Pop” fetish, a free hat is a free hat (Gino would have been jealous). 
Kimbally felt more and more confused, misreading Sojaboy’s light and flirtatious hand holding and compliments as signs that “all systems were go”. She decided to put it all out there, and tell him that she wanted a roommate in the honeymoon suite who “won’t stop ‘til he got enough”. Of course this came on a bit strong for Usman, who was in no rush to “wanna be startin’ somethin’”.
Kim was embarrassed by Usman’s dismissal of her advances, and demanded that they “beat it”, and head back to the hotel. However her mood quickly changed in the cab, when Usman put on the fedora, using all of his charm to “Kimbaaaallly” her back under his spell. 
Kim headed back to her hotel room alone to sip her cocktail and shop for more Michael Jackson memorabilia online, when Usman surprised her by showing up at the door. He asked for permission to stay the night, with the clause of sleeping safely behind the wall of an impenetrable pillow fort, as not to tempt him for any “yammy yammy” (That’s Nigerian for “sexy time”, Kenny). Kimbally agreed, as she was just happy to be able to say she technically slept with a supastar. Though she didn’t understand why Sojaboy was wasting their limited amount of time together on the trip by taking things super slow, she decided to respect his desire to wait for yammy time (even though BGL got the raw dog on day one). She should have just listened to Sojaboy’s other new hit song, which is ironically based off of a Michael Jackson classic:
“Kimballllly is not my lover. She’s just a girl, who thinks that I am the one….but the show said find someone…”

Jasmine & Gino:

The couple has apparently moved past last week’s paint color crisis and is seemingly on good terms. Jasmine’s friends happened to be in town, and wanted to throw her a little party in honor of her divorce from her previous husband being finalized after 5 long years. Jasmine felt it would be strange to invite her current heartthrob to her divorce party, so she removed Gino from the guest list, leaving him alone in the hotel room to think about paint swatches. She got dressed in her best Yessica Rabbit dress (that’s Jessica Rabbit in Panama), and headed down the hall to the hotel room her friends had reserved. As they popped bottles to celebrate, her friends were interested in hearing how Gino was faring in the wake of Jasmine’s personalities, 1-5. Jasmine was busy explaining  her many methods of seduction, as she was suddenly interrupted by a loud knock at the door. Her friends (and production, I’m assuming) had hired a male stripper for the evening to celebrate her milestone of becoming a legal single woman again (conveniently forgetting about the schlub down the hall). The army-themed striptease artist wasted no time removing his fatigues as he proceeded to shake his dinero-maker all up on Jasmine’s lap. While Jasmine cackled and pushed him away with a limp-wrist, the cameras checked in down the hall, where poor Gino was all alone with his vino….
A drunk Jasmine returned to the joint hotel room, ready to seduce Gino after her army fatigued fluffer (Not sure if one or all of the personalities were drunk, or how any of that works…).
Jasmine’s friends came back to the room to say hello to Gino and whipped out the video of Jasmine getting handsy with the male gigolo. Of course the live footage really bothered Gino, as he pointed out that had the situation been reversed, Jasmine would have pulled a Lorena Bobbitt in less time than sexy time with Hamsa. She seemed to concede his point, and the two cozied up together on the couch, presumably spending the night together like two wet animals. 

Kahlub & Alina:

The couple met up with Elijah at a restaurant for yet another round of awkwardness before he left to head back to Russia. The first topic of conversation was that Elijah had walked in on Kowlobe and Alina having sexy time (Caleb should have left his sock hat on the doorknob as a signal). Apparently Elijah had left his favorite hair brush in their bathroom and needed it to coiffe his fierce fiery mane, when he accidentally saw a naked Caleb trying out one of his many highly calculated moves. The uncomfortable part wasn’t necessarily that Elijah had walked in, but rather the fact that he stood there, gawking at Cowlub’s man parts, even managing to throw him a compliment. Alina seemed unbothered by her BFF’s creep factor, as the conversation rolled into a contrived drinking game of “Never Have I Ever”.

The questions started out easy and fun, before Elijah got a bit more risque, causing Cawloop to try and make the world think he has slept with over 100 women. After a series of sentences where he overused the word “bitch”, Elijah put his BFF on blast by stating “Never have I ever not told my American internet boyfriend of 13 years about a secret I’ve been keeping from him so we have more of a storyline even though it’s not really that important”. Alina shot Elijah a cold stare, as she reassured Caylewb that she would tell him back at the hotel, in private. The topic of being in a committed relationship had come up again, and Caleb did his best to keep things breezy and obscure, always sounding like he’s poorly reading lines from a script.
After dinner, the two went back up to their room so Alina could tell Crableg the truth about her ex boyfriend, the hitman for the Russian Mob, with IBS. (This is what happens when there are so maach couples… they all start to run together). Calup felt like this was the perfect excuse to be able to have an out from any follow up relationship after the Turkey trip was over, and was just happy that he had gotten to add a little person as his 101st name on his list of conquests.

Mike & X-men:

Well the romantic vacation in Salento has really been a gas!
Mikey Warbucks and Xmen woke up on a rainy morning, briefly parting ways so Ximena could have her morning fix of Colombian Folgers. As she sat pensively watching the rain, she decided to call her sister to unleash some of her frustrations. She told Sister Wendy that though things were going well with Mike, she did have a few complaints about her flatulent foreigner. Besides the constant expulsion of gasses from both ends, it appears that Mike is also messy, leaving his clothes all over the floor (If there’s one thing I could say about her ex-sicario, it’s that he ALWAYS did his own laundry. Of course it was mostly because he was worried about destroying trace evidence, but my God could that man OxyClean!). 
Back at the hotel room, Ximena invited Mike to have a fireside chat. Being that she was a Seinfeld fan, she decided she would air her grievances as if it was Festivus, starting the conversation with “I want to tell you a few things that I don’t like about you”. Mike was shocked to hear that Himenema was unhappy with him being the wind beneath her wings. He vowed to make more of a concerted effort to pick up after himself so there would “beano” more problems. It appears that murder and child abandonment are so maach sexier than being a human seltzer factory. 

Ella & Johnny:

Ella met up with her friend Korbie (or Francis, from PeeWee’s Big Adventure) and her Asian husband, which of course made her jealous. She discussed Johnny’s hesitancy about coming to the U.S. due to Covid, and how she fears she will never get to meet her Asian prince in person.   
She went home to video chat with Johnny, reminding him that he will be completely safe on the plane ride to America, so long as he wore his hazmat suit. Johnny (who had previously been walking around in CHINA, unmasked, footloose and fancy-free) maintained that the cases in the U.S. were escalating (not realizing that figure most likely did not include a secluded ranch in Idaho). He wanted to air on the side of caution, basing his decision on the direction of  “the curve”, which caused Ella to wonder if his decisions were based on any curves of her own. She tried to give her Asian prince the ultimatum; Come to the US now or forget about ever finding the crystal.

Ben & His Imaginary Friend:

Ben threw his suitcase on the bed to pack for his big trip to Lima, Peru to meet his beloved photoshopped soulmate. His son Elijah arrived to give dear old delusional dad a ride to the airport, trying his best to talk some sense into him. Elijah mentioned to Ben that he should be on the lookout for any red flags, (This Elijah was not the right person for the job. I think Ben really needed Alina’s Elijah to help talk some sense into him, by overusing the word “bitch” and squinting in disapproval). Fearing that his dad was going to wake up in a bathtub full of ice cubes, one kidney lighter, Elijah gave Ben a hug as he dropped him off at the airport.
The excitement was mounting as Ben approached the gate, waiting to board the flight to his future Mrs. Ben received a text from Mo stating that suddenly her dad isn’t ready to sign her permission slip for their field trip. Her father is questioning Ben’s intentions, even though the good Pastor booked two hotel rooms and wants to wait until marriage for any sexy time (that’s even way above building a pillowfort of demarcation). Despite the mixed message, Ben boarded the plane with blind hope and and faith that he and his Sims character are meant to be.

Memphis & Hazmat:

Me try to explain, but me have to potty….

On today’s to-do list, Memphis and Hamza were supposed to take a 2 hour ride back to Tunis, where she would start the paperwork to begin Hazmat’s Visa process. Of course Hazmat doesn’t have a driver’s license, and has to rely on the generosity of his fellow follically blessed friends for rides. He called his friend Youssef who had given the couple a ride back from the airport to help chauffeur them to the consulate by 5pm. However, upon arriving for pickup, Youssef realized he had forgotten his “driving papers” and had to wait for over an hour for someone to bring them by. Memphis was all “ Me so angry, embassy no open late. Late time no go”, which really made a lot of sense to her Tunisian counterpart. Since the drive took way longer than expected, the couple had to get a hotel room for the night.
Hamsa made up for his poor lack of planning by booking a swanky hotel room where he planned to give Memphis the most memorable 30 seconds of her life. They stopped by the hotel bar to pick up a little vodka (and a ShirleyTemple for Hamsa… couldn’t risk giving him any whiskey). Back at the room, Memphis slipped back into caveman mode for a serious discussion about the future of the relationship. She let Hamdizzle know that if me no marriage before me go USA, me Mother Debbie done. Hamncheese (which isn’t allowed there) was rightfully upset by the ultimatum,  questioning if Memphis was really in love with him, or just enjoyed speaking like a caveman. Me no accept this.