Before the 90 Days of Our Lives; S5, EP2

Gino & Jasmine:

While Gino was giggling away the 5+ hour flight from Michigan to Panama, we finally got to meet Jasmine. She is a 34 year old baby Larissa, but also an English literature teacher and mom of two boys. Jasmine explained how difficult the Panamanian dating scene has been, and was overjoyed meeting a super macho Italian man like Gino. Jasmine met up with her friend in the hotel room that was to be the couples’ love nest for the visit, and discussed the burning in her fake bosoms that she feels for her long distance love. She also explained her trust issues, which she combats with a 3 point check system for Gino. Each day he has to report where he’s going, who will be there, and when he returns home, along with photo ev-uh-dense (hopefully in a binder, like Dinyell). That Jasmine runs a tight ship! 
She and Gino like to show affection by talking “baby talk” to each other, probably fighting over which one is the real “Shmoopy”. Although the couple does not seem to have any common interests, they do share a similar laugh, which is possibly the glue to this relationship.

Gino finally touched down in Panama, making his first stop at the airport janitor’s closet to change into a more come-hither ill-fitting outfit of a black shirt and oddly shaped jeans. Jasmine waited nervously for him in her finest Barbie pink snakeskin print top, hands shaking in anticipation. The couple shared an emotional hug, as they embraced for the first time, even kissing at the airport. Gino was shocked to finally be in Panama with Jasmine, making sure to stare directly at her boobs while their laughs combined into a painfully awkward symphony, ringing through the halls of Panama’s International Airport. 
During the car ride back to the hotel, Jasmine was very flirtatious and wasted no time letting Gino know the activities on their itinerary for later. She moved his hands to grope her upper thigh as the Uber driver was serenaded by the giggles of true love.
Once alone back at the hotel room, Gino was impressed seeing Jasmine’s flower petal décor. She was ready to knock his socks (and hat) off in the bedroom, but Gino seemed to be holding back a bit (most likely because the blue pills hadn’t kicked in yet). He decided to give her a gift that he had purchased from the “Big Ed’s Romance Catalogue”; An electric toothbrush. Of course Jasmine was less than thrilled with the gift of oral hygiene, but (in my best Billy Mays voice, may he Rest In Peace…) BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE… He also brought a pregnancy test so Jasmine could check to see if there were any little Jasno’s on the horizon after the trip. Jasmine acknowledged Gino’s ridiculous desire to have a baby immediately, even though they had just met, but luckily had enough sense to lie to him about being on birth control.
As they continued to snuggle on the bed, Jasmine demanded that Geno give her the password to his phone, so she could make sure he wasn’t baby-talking any other women online. He could clearly see Jasmine’s crazy starting to show, but was too excited to care just yet, ‘cause Bewbs. *creepy giggles* We may have a possibly Coltee/Larissa situation on her hands, and I’m Mother Debbie done.

Caleb & Alina:

This week, Caleb straightened his yucky hair and headed over to his parents’ house for dinner (We didn’t see any food in this scene, but I bet it was like mung bean tofu casserole just to stay on brand). He decided to let his parents know about his upcoming travel plans, even though he usually refrains from filling them in on his relationships since they are pretty traditional and religious. This was the first the Parents’ Caleb had even heard about Alina, let alone the fact that she’s a foreign Little Person. Father Caleb (Colonel Sander’s stunt double) was pretty shocked, and right away was concerned about the height of his potential future grandchildren. Caleb assured them that the universe hadn’t planned that far in advance, and to just relax so they could all enjoy their lentil loaf.
Later on we got to see Caleb packing the essentials for his trip, which of course only consisted of sweaty beanie hats, tarot cards, large containers of protein powder, and condoms. He claims to be excited to finally meet Alina because of their deep connection, not just using her for free WIFI. Caleb goes on to imagine aloud how different their intimate times will be due to Alina’s stature (though something tells me he’s been boning up on Little People porn, all puns intended). Caleb’s brother  (who looks like an extra from Fast Times At Ridgemont High) drove him to the airport, as he headed off on the long flight to Turkey.
Meanwhile, back in Russia…. Elijah is helping Alina pack all of her cute tiny outfits for her big trip to Turkey (At least she won’t have to purchase WIFI for the flight…). The dynamic duo were all smiles as they headed off on their big adventure. Alina’s friend from Russia was currently living in Turkey and agreed to pick the BFF’s up from the airport and drop them at their hotel. The entire car ride, Alina fantasized about the moment she’d meet Caleb, feeling his protein enhanced muscular arms as he picked her up caveman style, with his greasy hair flowing in the breeze.
When they arrived at their hotel, however, Alina was a bit put off. It seems as though Caleb did not consult his Tarot cards before booking the hotel room, and didn’t foresee that the lack of wheelchair accessibility would be a problem (but don’t worry… he packed a lot of protein powder). Though Alina is concerned with his ability to handle helping her, she was still looking forward to the full Cosmic Caleb experience. 
The next morning was the big day and Elijah helped her choose an outfit, even ironing it for her and declaring himself “Iron Man” (but with better hair). He worried how Caleb would treat his BFF and was ready to realign Caleb’s chakras if he got out of line with his bestie. Can’t wait to see these two meet up next week and hear all of the stupid “foot in mouth” comments Caleb is about to make!

(Clearly Elijah is the hero of this season, and we’re only on episode two. I think going to Turkey is a bad idea for anyone named Alina from Russia.)

Kim & International Superstar Sojaboy (ISS):

Kimbally got her nails did just in time for her big trip to Tanzania to cheer on her Nigerian Idol, Sojaboy, during his music video shoot. She had an emotional goodbye with her mother, who assured her not to worry about her while she’s gone (Kimbally’s got bigger things to worry about…. Like losing a toe at a goat farm). She headed off to the airport as a star-stuck fangirl, excited about her upcoming adventure.

Meanwhile, back in Nigeria…. 
Usman was busy being autotuned in the studio, forcing us to have yet another one of his chart topping hits burned into our collective brain. He explained his love of Kimbally’s dedication and support, but refused to commit to being her SojaBoyfriend until after they had met in person. He cited his hesitation was due to his disastrous past relationship with “those we do not speak of”, making sure not to utter her name once- let alone three times in the event that she could appear like Beetlejuice. (Production even made sure to cut her out of any past footage, only showing her hands in one small clip from their big wedding. You know BGL is sitting somewhere at home with her smokes yelling at the tv….).
Usman’s goofballs tried to tell him that bringing his new old lady was a terrible idea, especially given his past track record. He confessed that his newest song “Zara” was not in fact about the clothing store, but was about another American woman he had fallen in love with on the internet (I wonder if any Nigerian rappers who sent me friend requests have any “Shmerica” love ballads! I wonder if they’d even go ‘de for me…..)
Of course Sojaboy conveniently left this little fun fact out when talking to his back up plan, Kimbally, since Zara kicked him to the curb, unable to deal with all of his fan mail rolling in from assisted living centers across the nation. We all know where this is going…. But I’ll go ‘de for it. 

Memphis & Hamsa:

Memphis is psyched about flying to Tunisia to meet Moohmit 2.0.  Before she headed to the airport, she stopped over to see her favorite foster sister, Ingrid, which is heartbreaking and endearing at the same time. Ingrid loaded Memphis up on pork products (since they’ll be Haram on her upcoming vacation) as she listened to her sister from another mister gush over her internet boyfriend. Memphis seemed very certain that everyone could tell from their Facetime interactions just how compatible she and Hamsa truly will be. Ingrid fears that Hamsa may not know who he’s dealing with, describing Memphis as hot-headed and impulsive. Of course Memphis had to bring up a “secret that she hasn’t told him yet” (Ya know, because there’s always one of those….). She confessed that during the first few months of their relationship (which was only possible using Jihoon’s translator device), she was feeling lonely and leaned on her ex husband for support. She did not really elaborate on the type of support she received, but feared it was enough to make Hazmat’s jealous side come out. 
Ingrid drove Memphis to the airport with no time to spare, as she and the production crew ran breathlessly to reach the gate as the plane began to board (neglecting the entire purpose of the “people mover” device 3 feet away from them). 
Looks like next week we will get to meet Hazmat, who of course has not been honest with Memphis about his family culture and their sleeping arrangements. 
Soooo I guess we’re going with “American girl dates Man Arabic and is shocked at the strict cultural differences, especially when hearing a meaningless secret” yet again… Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. It was so maaach beautiful.

Mike & Ximena:

In with the new!!! We met a new friend this week… Mike is a 34 year old fellow member of the tribe, who lives with his father and grandfather in Thiells, Ny (which is somewhere in that “Am I in Ny? Nj? Connecticut?” Regions of the state). When he isn’t burning pancakes for his diabetic Grandfather, Mike enjoys getting creative with his Legos (hopefully he doesn’t leave them around on the floor for everyone to step on like my toddler… a Lego to the foot of a diabetic could result in a BGL caliber toe amputation). Mike claims to have been single since his Bar Mitzvah, but that all changed when he met 24 year old Ximena on a- (say it with me now)*INTERNATIONAL DATING SITE*!!
Besides his job in the tech field and lego building endeavors, Mike is also a volunteer firefighter, along with his much taller and more aesthetically pleasing brothers. Mike’s 5’4” stature has always been a bit of an issue in his dating life, though probably makes it easier for him to “stop, drop, and roll” in emergencies. Mike explained the impact and depression losing his mother to cancer had brought on for the last few years, but is finally committed to finding happiness.
He met up with his brother Matt, to fill him in on the details of his upcoming trip to Columbia, which includes meeting/proposing to his online love. Of course Brother Matt thinks Mike is crazy for stopping by Kay Jewelers to pick up an engagement ring for his stranger girlfriend, but every kiss begins with Kay’s!
Mike explains his dedication to Ximena, and his determination to bring both her and her two children to the U.S. to live happily ever after (in his father’s house with the burnt pancakes). He later met up with his best friend John and his wife, Nelcy (who may or may not have met on Love After Lockup) to help him go toy shopping for his potential future stepchildren. It’s surprising that Mike needed backup for this task, as you’d think he’d have this under control, being a Lego connoisseur. The three wandered around the toy shop before selecting a few items that they brought up to the crazy cat lady at the counter. Store Clerk Kathleen (who could barely be seen from under her knit hat, 2 masks, and two pairs of glasses) really made customer service a priority, as she pried into the purpose of Mike’s toy purchases, making sure to add her two cents. Being that her powers of vision were enhanced (by the double pair of glasses on her head), Kathleen was able to see the red flags in Mike’s plan. As she rang him up, even she could tell this was a bad idea, but wished him safe travels and a good cup of Colombian coffee (She had a thing for Juan Valdez). 
Mike confessed to his friends that he has been helping Ximena out monetarily, giving her money towards rent and food (Hey, at least it wasn’t boobs and botox!). His friends of course think the entire situation sounds sketchy, and were upset that he didn’t put more money on their books when they were on Love After Lockup. 

Something tells me that Ximena Berkowitz is not going to be attending next year’s Passover Seder……