Love After Lockup; S4, EP 1

Courtney & Josh:
Courtney is a 30 year old boingy redhead who, like many people, met her Prince Charming while at work. She used to be a correctional officer, and met Josh, the inmate of her dreams, while rifling through some of his poetry in his cell. Courtney would wear disguises to visit Josh, since the whole Correctional Officer dating an inmate thing is generally a forbidden love, but she was eventually caught and had to spend 2 months in jail for her crime of passion. Josh, the diehard romantic that he is, proposed to Courtney by tattooing a portrait of her face on his arm, that read “Will you marry me” (a statement, no question mark. Also, the portrait kind of looked like Rachel Ray, so if the whole thing with Courtney doesn’t work out…..)
The couple was married 4 months later by proxy (meaning, neither party attended, they both must have had to wash their hair. Do they have a wedding album with pictures of the stand-ins? I have so many questions…). So far, I am going to vote this the best and most romantic love story in Love After Lockup history. 
With Josh’s release date fast approaching, Courtney went to speak with a lawyer to see if he could parole to their home, even though he had previously been denied based on her probation status. The lawyer seemed to think it would be in everyone’s best interest for Josh to comply with the terms of his probation, but Courtney is determined to live with her husband one way or another.

Later in the episode, it was time for the dramatic prison pickup.When a man tattoos your face on his arm as a gesture of love and devotion, you have to counter with an equally as romantic “go big or go home” type of move. Courtney had her friend retrieve Josh from his prison release, as she wasn’t allowed on the property. Apparently, Courtney and Josh have an inside joke about a pickle, which was the inspiration behind her outfit choice for the big release day. She lay waiting in a yucky empty parking lot, where she’s planning to surprise him by wearing a pickle costume when her friend rolls up with Josh in the car. I am very much looking forward to this storyline, especially if it involves memorializing the pickup moment with a pickle themed tattoo. Courtney and Josh are the real dill.

Rachel & Doug:
Rachel is a 4’10” attractive brunette, ex Marine who seemingly has her act together. Though she lives her life on the straight and narrow, she still seems to have one vice she can’t quit; Dating inmates. The current object of Rachel’s affection is a very tall prisoner named Doug. Ten months into their relationship, Doug proposed/commanded Rachel to marry him, because apparently he’s her new commanding officer. In addition to taking orders from Big Doug, Rachel is also playing stepmother to his son from a previous relationship, Little Douggie, who has moved into her house. 
Rachel had her friends over to discuss her excitement and preparations for Doug Sr.’s big release date. She made sure to stock her fridge with about 9 lbs of bologna (don’t show the cylindrical shaped bologna log to Daonte, he might get ideas…) since Doug requested the 4 B’s; Boobies, (non alcoholic)Booze, Bologna, and a Bologna job. Though Rachel and Doug have yet to consummate their relationship, she confessed to getting handsy with him during visitation (the details of which she failed to reveal.) Doug called while Rachel’s friends were over, making sure to let everyone know he was the real shot caller, and she’d better prep the bologna. With the aid of her two friends, she prepared the house for Doug’s homecoming by measuring the wall hung mirror so all 6’5” of Doug will be able to admire himself. Since she had the measuring tape handy, she also tried to figure out the logistics of aligning her and Doug’s naughty bits since there is an extreme height discrepancy. 
After all of those fun conversations, she went in to spend a little time with Douggie Jr, and see how he is processing the news of his dad coming back into the picture. He seems to have really warmed up to Rachel, especially since his own mother has been struggling with addiction and somewhat out of the picture. 
I have a feeling these two will be a huge trainwreck and Douggie bear will end up going back to prison, while poor Little Dougie might just end up in the custody of the next weirdo prison penpal, who may have less bologna in the fridge.

Nicolle & Daonte:
Daonte, a 33 year old ex marine, was in the liquor store stocking up for his prison girlfriend’s big homecoming. Though he is a pretty together guy in most aspects of his life, his weakness seems to be female inmates, the blonder the better. He’s looking forward to being with Nicolle, his latest prison boo, who he met on a dating site called “Paper Dolls”. Daonte claims to really enjoy Nicolle’s great personality, and the fact that she’s above material possessions (despite her many requests for money and gifts). Although the couple met on the site “Paper Dolls”, It appears he doesn’t like paper as much as plastic….. You see, Daonte claims to have a very high sex drive, and wanted to make sure he remained faithful to Nicolle for the duration of her sentence. Naturally he did the only logical thing and purchased a rubbery sex toy in the shape of a torso that he lovingly refers to as “Little Nicolle” with 2 L’s. He makes sure to sanitize Little Nicolle by throwing her in the dishwasher (top rack safe only and hopefully BPA free).
Note to self; never eat at anyone’s house off of their dishes ever again. Ever. Under any circumstances. Also, don’t shake hands with Daonte. 
Daonte’s buff friend came over and got to see all of the many gifts, kinky items, and wads of cash that was strewn about the bed for Nicolle’s homecoming. His friend was skeptical of Nicolle’s intentions, knowing that she was taking Daonte for his entire $24/hr salary. 

Later on we saw him go over to his mother’s house for dinner to fill her in about Nicolle’s release into the wild. His mother runs a tight ship, and is very skeptical over her son’s lovelife (I wonder if she knows about what he just loaded and unloaded in the dishwasher….). Mother Daonte explained (in her very glittery eyeshadow) that her son was previously in a relationship with another inmate who was also blonde with big boobs (only 2 B’s…), but who used him for money to the point where he was broke and had to move back home. Also present at the dinner table was Daonte’s brother, who at the young age of 16 was even able to see that this whole Nicolle thing is a dumb idea. Both dinner guests were shocked to hear that Daonte had already invested $20-$30,000 into this relationship. (He’s probably be better off sticking with Little Nicolle… at least she only requires Cascade dishwasher pods every once in awhile.)
I am completely here for this trainwreck and can’t wait to see what happens, although now I’ll never look at a dishwasher the same way…..

Britney & Ray: 
Britney is a nice girl from a good family who has a thing for the bad boys. She was out shopping, looking for the perfect outfit to wear for her felonious boyfriend’s big release day (underwear not included). Britney met Ray on Facebook, not knowing at first that his address was “the Big House” and just figured he was a minimalist from the concrete walls in the background of his photos. She has yet to tell her family, afraid of their reaction, that Ray is an ex con. Apparently Britney previously had a 3 year relationship that was physically abusive, and her parents have been overprotective ever since. Despite the fear of her family’s disapproval, Britney is sure she’s going to become “Mrs. Ray” as soon as he’s back in the free world. 

Stanley & Lisa:
First things first, my dog’s name is Stanley, so that made me laugh. Then I saw this season’s Stanley’s toupee, which was also enjoyable. Poor Stanley has played the dating field without much luck, surprisingly, since he claims to be worth 2.3 million dollars (I see he is this season’s Scott). He finally stumbled upon Lisa, a mysterious blonde, on a website called “Seeking Arrangement” (Who let Stan on the internet?!). They originally met up for some wine and conversation which led to a little “Wham, Bam, Thank you Stan”. After their whirlwind romance, Lisa went M.I.A. Stanley eventually got a call from a correctional facility, where Lisa had been arrested for selling drugs. 
Stanley was discussing his love life with a bunch of older gentlemen while at the batting cages, who all agreed that Lisa was most likely using their buddy as her sugar daddy. Lisa is excited about her upcoming release, though she warned Stanley that prison has not been kind to her appearance. I can’t wait to see how this plays out, and how creepy Stanley gets in the weeks to come. Also, I’m never allowing my dog Stanley to go on a prison dating site.