SSW; Season 3, Episode 9

I’ve been watching this show since season 1, and stayed quiet. I can no longer keep my thoughts to myself, so here we go….

The Clarks: Jard & Vanessa:
Jarod (who I call “Jard” in my head) is all excited that his “Kingdom” could potentially be expanding, since last week his random “friend” Emily agreed to meet up for a date. Emily (who looks like she plays JV Softball and got her nose pierced at the mall to be “edgy”) will not only be going out with Jard, but also Queen number 1, Vanessa. The date comes on the heels of the couples’ breakup with their last potential Queen, Kayleh after a boisterous fright a few episodes back. 
Vanessa dressed up for the occasion (and thankfully wore a higher neckline instead of the deep V neck from her interview that makes her neck look 20 ft long). Potential Queen Emily seemed pretty innocent and naive, and explained that polygomy interested her because she was looking “to grow knowledge”. The couple suspected that Emily lacked life experience, that was until she revealed that she had some hang up with her previous relationship with an ex GIRLfriend, who’s name was Mars, which blew their minds. Jard set the record straight, that in Kingdom JuhRod you can only have a King and a Queen, not a pair of queens, or you get the royal flush. 
On the car ride home, Jard and Vanessa reviewed their date with Emily, both feeling that Emily isn’t ready for the intricacies of their plural marriage, and will just have to stay a twosome for now. 

The Merrifield; Garlic & Danielle & Soon to be Bert:
Danielle’s family are eagerly awaiting the couples’ arrival home, so they could unload their unruly kids and hear all of the gossip from their trip to Mexico to see Bert/plan the big wedding. As the car pulls up (with Danielle driving, because in addition to a wedding planner and doormat, she’s also a chauffeur), the family came outside to greet them. Once alone with her mother and sister in law, Danielle did admit that she had some sad moments on the trip (namely when she had to sleep on the sticky bedsheets) and has some reservations about how things will go moving forward. It seems obvious that Garlic is pretty devastated having to leave his brace-faced Brazillian bombshell, and although she understands it, Danille can’t help but feel hurt.
Later that night, the couple were unpacking and Danielle tried to open up about her jealousy issues on the trip. She explained to Garlic she would have liked for him to ask for more alone time with Bert, instead of inviting her along and making her feel like the third wheel (but I guess they needed a designated driver). He basically told Danielle to pray the jealousy away (all while he was wearing something that looked like a woman’s tank top from the early 90s) and told her it was too late to change their minds now. Do you know what I have in common with vampires? I don’t like Garlic.

The Joneses: Sidian and Tasha:
These two are quite possibly the most ridiculous. Tasha, as cute as a button, reminds me of Maggie Gyleenhaal from Secretary, and it seems like she would make an ideal member of a cult. Sidian seems like he wanted to be a part of the Rennfest but was slightly too moody and possibly vegetarian, so he refused to eat the giant turkey legs. 
In this episode, Tasha is lint rolling Sidian’s finest vest as he prepares for his date with AlexAHndra (an adventure tour guide, whatever the hell that means) who apparently enjoys discussing physics. Instead of dinner and a movie, Sidian decides to take Alexandra to a romantic psychic reading. The psychic lets the awkward first date participants know they’ve first dated in a past life, perhaps on AOL messenger.
After that fun idea, Sidian whisked Alexandra back around the culdesac to his front yard, where there was a table and chairs waiting for them. He left his date sitting outside next to his beautiful compost garbage vegetable gardens to run inside and grab a bottle of wine, while an anxious Tasha awaited, trying to get the details. Alexandra felt put off by what the psychic had said in regards to kids and a serious relationship. She revealed that she is dating multiple weirdos at the moment and isn’t ready to settle down with just any creepy internet guy in a vest who was already married. Feeling discouraged, Sidian retreated back to the house, where Tasha had some warm milk and fresh baked cookies waiting for him, and cued up his favorite song by The Cure. The end. 

 The Winders; Colton, Tami &Sophie:
The exciting and talkative Colton and his two brides are courting yet a new potential sister wife, Kimberley. She is from a small town in North Carolina, and decided to wear her favorite flannel shirt and baseball cap to really dazzle the crowd. The family ordered Indian food for their group date dinner (I’m pretty sure eating Indian food is one of the more adventurous things Colton has ever done.) The ladies of Colton discussed the dynamics of their undynamic family as well as Colton’s farm chores while enjoying a little Chicken Tikka Masala. Kimberly, who didn’t seem too fond of the Indian cuisine, didn’t seem to mind the quiet demeanor of her perspective husband, claiming she was also a shy/quiet personality type (I can only imagine their nights together, watching paint dry). Colton isn’t exactly sure if he is feeling anything towards Kimberly yet, but seems to be giving it a chance for the sake of his harem and their desire to have another girlfriend to play nails and watch romcoms with. The most interesting part of this episode was finding out their last name was actually pronounced Wind-er, instead of Whine-der. Now isn’t that something…

Can’t wait for the next episode! We’ll deal with the Snowdens then…