90 Days of Our Lives; S8 ,EP 8

Stephanie & Ryan:
It appears that the Belizean government answered Stephanie’s prayers, as they decided to open the borders just so she could swoop into town and descend on Daddy Ryan. Stephanie took her time packing her bags for the big trip, making sure to bring Ryan a variety of gifts, including but not limited to “his and hers” swimwear, lots of skull printed items, expensive watches, one of which matched his pants. Stephanie explained to her cat (who she lovingly called “turkey”) that Mama would be back in a few weeks (hopefully this gave the cat enough time to change his identity… he doesn’t exactly look like a “spring turkey” either, he’d better work fast). As Stephanie headed to the airport, she explained that this trip will either make or break the tumultuous cougar/cub relationship. She strutted through the airport in her ruffled blouse and another ill-fitting pair of boy shorts, topped off with a personalized face mask with a picture of the couple printed across the front (Does “90 Day” production have a coupon code for Vistaprint that they just hand out to the “talent”???). It seemed like Stephanie was taking one or two lessons from the Rebecca hand book…. Me no accept this.

After finally landing in Belize, Stephanie was greeted by Ryan who was waiting with flowers and a balloon (Take that, Coltee!). He seemed happy to see his cougar after such a long time apart. They headed back to the lavish resort (which Stephanie may or may not have told Ryan’s boss to tell him he gets an employee discount to boost his confidence). They checked out their new love nest for the next two weeks, with Stephanie feeling like Ryan was her best view, and Ryan feeling like “Neeee” as they awkwardly hugged. Stephanie busted out the suitcase full of presents, like a weird female cougar Santa with a Michigan accent. Ryan seemed to be happy with all of the footwear, watches, outfits, doo rags and underoos, but admitted he would have preferred cash or check. The final item in her bag of tricks was a large box of glow in the dark condoms, which will surely turn their sexy time into the most nightmarish Rave few would ever want to attend. Ryan confessed that he likes to have cougar/cub time 4x’s per night and was glad that Stephanie could keep up, even with her age (good thing she was taking those “Death Becomes Her” serum shots!).

Stephanie decided it was the right time to bring up the state of their relationship, of course making sure to express the probability of things working out by using percentages, as is the 90 Day tradition. Daddy Ryan seems to want to make the relationship work (probably because he wants to keep those snake watches comin’), and promises to give her the best two weeks of her life. Just to make sure Daddy Ryan hasn’t been hitting up any other “Mamis”, Stephanie asked to see his phone. She was pleased to see that there were no female names or numbers unaccounted for (or at least that he hadn’t deleted), and the couple seemed like they were on the right track to mending their trust issues. Ryan admitted that Stephanie can drive him crazy, but it’s the price he is willing to pay to get to the U.S. (At least he came clean with that one!)
Later that night, the couple got all dolled up for dinner. Stephanie decided to wear a dress made out of a very fancy curtain, while Ryan complimented her tassels. Nothing accompanies a curtain dress quite like a clutch covered in rhinestones to look like a $100 bill, which Stephanie used to tote her cougar funds. Ryan also looked quite dapper in his compilation of mixed items Stephanie had brought him, including the skull printed doo rag, which I agree was more dressy for the occasion. During dinner (which Ryan ordered lobster, since he was paying, which technically meant she was paying..) Ryan tried to asure Stephanie that he will do anything to get to America, despite all of the difficulties with immigration during the time of the pandemic (….and also dealing with Stephanie). Since the K1-Visa seemed to still be on the table, Stephanie presented Ryan with her mother’s engagement ring, which she is hoping he will use to propose to her when the time is right. He stared at the ring probably wondering how much he’ll get for it at the pawn shop, but I wonder if that’ll happen before or after she confesses she slept with his cousin…….

Big Mike & the Glen Close of Squim:

Meanwhile, back in Squim…..
Big Mike and Natalie are scrubbing the house to get ready for a visit from Mother Mike of Squim and taking the opportunity to discuss their relationship. Though it often seems like they can’t stand each other, Natalie claims to want to make things work (though Mike still has a few more museums to visit before he’ll be up to her standards). Natalie asks Mike to share some details about his mom, which include the fact that she’s a tough broad that grew up on a ranch riding bareback (Not like Baby Girl Lisa bareback… get your minds out of the gutter, guys….sheesh). Natalie is rightfully nervous to meet her maybe sorta kinda future mother in law, especially since she realizes that Mike has most likely warned his mom how crazy Natalie can be (… or his mom has cable, and saw for herself). 

Big Mike greeted his mom,Trish, as she pulled up in his Squimish driveway. Trish seemed interested in meeting and experiencing all that is Natalie firsthand, and was just happy to get to spend time with the big guy, being that they only see each other once a year. (Meanwhile, I couldn’t help but hope Trish was okay from birthing giant baby Paul Bunyan… my sympathies to her ladyparts).  It looked like everyone got the memo that they should wear blue, as they all greeted each other warmly before sitting down in the still barren living room to chat. Trish decided to up the awkward factor by bringing up “grandbabies”, a sensitive topic being that Natalie is still waiting for Mike to like it and put the ring back on it before even considering breaking her ladyparts for a Big Mike Jr.  
The family all went out for a nice dinner, where Natalie monitored Mike’s meal choices closely, as she tends to do, asking him to refrain from eating butter. Mother Mike informed Natalie that “butter is good for your mind”, citing that it helps with your memory (which explains why Natalie didn’t want Mike to eat it… he shouldn’t remember how crazy she is…. Also, I believe Trish learned this at the butter museum, which upped her IQ). Trish talked the couple into putting aside their petty fighting and choose a wedding date, whether they go through with it or not (she needed to plan ahead to make sure she had enough White Rain hairspray, her skinny round brush, and tune up her blow dryer to get the bangs looking their best for the occasion). Wearing her blue boa of judgement, she did admit to the cameras that she didn’t think things would work out since the couple had way too many differences. 

The next morning, Mike and Natalie seemed to take Mama Trish’s advice and chose the wedding date of April 3rd. They sat down to eat some overcooked eggwhite omelettes and discuss the tentative nuptials,  which they are still speaking about in hypotheticals. Natalie’s mom called during breakfast and boy was Natalie so excited to tell her all about the progress she had made! Her mother was delighted, as she likes Mike better than Natalie anyway, as Mike can always change lightbulbs and reach high shelves. Things seem to be looking up for the couple, though Mama Trish may want to lay off the butter so she’ll be able to forget this trip ever happened.  

Yara & Dadjovi:
Yara has still been feeling nauseous and tired, so she decided to take a pregnancy test (she is in New Orleans though…. She could just puke on someone’s shoes if the urge strikes….).  She had previously been told after her miscarriage that it would be difficult to get pregnant again, and didn’t think it would even be a possibility (Maybe she swam in Brandon’s hot tub?).  She walked over to the drugstore to buy a pregnancy test  in her authentic “Staten Island ” hoodie (which may have been the source of her nausea if it smelled anything like the Verrazzano…). Once back at the apartment, she got to work peeing on the stick, with the camera crew filming the closed bathroom door in anticipation. When she emerged, she revealed to her friend (who’s hopefully healing nicely from her nose job) that the test was in fact positive, and there would be a baby Yarjovi on the way. She had very mixed feelings and was nervous to tell Jovi, since their last conversation about having kids didn’t seem to end well.

Later in the episode it was finally time for Jovi to rejovinate the segment with his presence. Yara headed to the airport to welcome him back, all the while worrying about Jovi’s reaction to the big news. Jovi landed back home in N’arleans with a plastic cup of whiskey and coke, getting a jump start on the day. Yara seemed happy to see him in her own Yara way, but of course complained about the morning beverage, demanding him to “drop away” ( I would’ve just been confused about what the hell she wanted me to do exactly. My initial thought was “stop drop and roll”). Looks like the airport pickup wasn’t the right time to tell him, and she’s going to “drop away” the news next week!

Brandon & Julia Gulia:
Julia is still out there doing her daughter in law duties, flinging feces on the family farm, and hating every minute of it. She tried relieving her frustration by yelling at a few chickens, but they clucked right back at her in mockery. With some strategically placed soot on her face to add that extra Russian Cinderella feel, she decided to video chat with her father, Igor. Her dad greeted her by saying “hello my happiness”, which was absolutely adorable, as the two discussed Julia’s current living situation. Her father encouraged her to move out of Betty & Ron’s dysfunction farm and into a place of their own. He told her that there couldn’t be “too many cooks in the kitchen” (though the old adage didn’t mention anything about crickets in the kitchen…. Which applies here).

Julia called Brandon amidst his bug squishing day job to say she’s had enough of the farm life. She was sick of living under Betty and Ron’s rules, and was still terrified of the animals. Brandon couldn’t understand why Julia would ever be opposed to playing with “cute animals” and promised to discuss the situation more in depth when he got home. 
Once he returned from a hard day of spraying Raid, he walked into Julia’s private quarters to find her looking pretty sad. She explained to Brandon that she hates living with his parents under all of their crazy naked hot tub rules, and is not cut out for farm chores. She gave Brandon an ultimatum; Either they move out or she goes back to the motherland. 
Brandon seems hurt that Julia is making him choose between getting grounded for life or being together, but he realizes it’s more important to be with Julia. Looks like he’s going to break the news to Betty and Ron next week, as we get to watch them have a collective conniption. Can’t wait!

Andrew & Amira:
Amira returned to France after her stint in detention, which bypassed her Mexican vacation dreams.  Andrew, however, didn’t want to waste the prepaid all inclusive opportunity, so he decided to kick back and enjoy his stay in the name of “self care”. 
Amira reunited with her father, Hamdi, at the airport in France and piled into their tiny roller skate of a car, all while wearing a little black dress and clear plastic heels. In the day. They sat down at a restaurant to discuss her trials and tribulations. Apparently upon landing, Amira’s passport and phone were confiscated. She was detained for 3 days without a watch, until she won a free one way trip back to France. The authorities returned her passport and cell phone, citing the reason for the entry denial was due to “no passport”. Though nothing about this story seemed to add up, the only obvious thing was that Andrew was living his best resort life, playing Dungeons and Dragons with a view. Amira blamed the entire fiasco on Andrew, saying that he had pressured her into taking the risky flight over, and Hamdi tried to drive home the point that Andrew is obviously not “the one” .
Meanwhile, Andrew, fiesta of uno, was living his best life. He was doing the conga, dining at delicious steakhouses, driving a 4 wheeler through the Mexican jungle, and treating himself to a romantic massage for one (that lucky masseuse who got to rub the lotion on it’s skin…….was probably just trying not to get the hose again). He and Amira discussed trying to meet up again in a different country so they could try to use the last 30 days of their Visa so they could be together. I’m not really sure where this storyline goes from here, but then again, I wasn’t sure of it in the first place. 

Missing from the episode were Rebecca and Zied, who were hopefully at Ikea buying furniture. 

Also not seen in this episode was Team Tarzel, who were probably picking up hot babez in Virginia Beach, using sword skills and hawt sauzzz.