90 Day Fiance; S8, EP 2

Brandon & Julia……and his parents:

Clark Griswald is driving the family truckster all the way to D.C.( with Beverly D’Angelo riding shotgun, and Rusty in the back) so the gang can all retrieve Julia from the airport together. Brandon stopped to pick up flowers for Julia’s arrival at his parents’ behest, so he wouldn’t pull a Coltee and embarrass them all. The family all huddled around the arrival area as Julia finally appeared with her mountain of luggage. Brandon and Julia had a warm and romantic reunion, as they kissed passionately in front of his parents, while his mother stood by cheering with her 80s hockey helmet hair bouncing up and down. The airport meeting seemed to start out quite well until production had to slide in and stir the pot by asking Brandon who he found to be the most important woman in his life, to which he answered with a simple “No English” in Russian. 
The two couples made their way to the hotel where they would be spending the weekend. Within moments of arriving, Brandon’s mom Betty already had a scheduled itinerary that included a prompt dinner and drinks, leaving Julia no time to wash up or attempt to get pregnant. Julia was so tired from traveling, as well as looking forward to a little alone time with Peter Pan, and wanted to delay their dinner plans for as long as she could. Though the couple were later than Betty would have liked, they still managed to meet up just in time for dinner and drinks. Right out of the gate, Betty decided to open the dinner conversation by bringing Julia up to speed on the whole “You’ll be sleeping in separate bedrooms” house rule. This of course caused a lot of tension, as Brandon neglected to tell Julia about this minor detail of the arrangement.
Julia, a natural problem solver, figured they could just move up the wedding date so their “married” status would bypass the rule, and allow them to share a bedroom- genius. Since that issue was out of the way, Betty moved on to uncomfortable topic #2; Birth control. Betty felt like this was definitely the right time and place to make sure Julia was aware of all of her options, and figured she’d feel comfortable talking about this private issue in front of her future inlaws. Julia pretty much shot her down, explaining that she’s not into “drinking medicine” (taking pills), and was squirming in her seat, wondering why Brandon wasn’t putting a stop to the madness. 

After dinner, the couple retreated to their hotel room to have some alone time. Julia questioned why Brandon agreed to go along with the separate bedroom rule, and why he allowed his mother to discuss his fiance’s reproductive system at the dinner table. Brandon explained that he was trying to be respectful of his parents, especially since they were helping the couple by funding their trip, Julia’s plane ticket, and most likely the wedding (I wonder how many German Shepherd puppies that affair will set them back!). Julia made it known that birth control wouldn’t be an issue that night, but she’d better be careful if she hears “Housekeeping!” …. Could be Betty with some extra towels and a package of Plan B.

Mike & Natashkala:

In order to prepare for Natalie’s arrival, ensuring she would feel safe and comfortable, Big Mike had to break hearts everywhere and ask Uncle Bojangles (who is really Cousin Bojangles) to move out for a little while. Though he could sympathize, being that he has a long and complicated history with the ladies, it did appear that Uncle Bo was super sad as he packed up his collection of leather jackets and motorcycle posters to go stay with his brother. He wished Mike luck, letting him know that he was on his side all the way, like any good Uncle-cousin-farmhand would.
Meanwhile, back in “Keev”,…… Natashkala is having a hard time saying goodbye to her sweet and exponentially less “Lifetime movie villain” mother, as the two are incredibly close and have always lived together. Mother Natalie accompanied Natalie to the airport, and watched as her one and only daughter schlepped all of her bags (including the large black body bag that I hope they ran through TSA at least twice…. That thing looked like the “Misery” starter pack), and headed off to her new life.
Next we saw Big Mike heading to the airport to retrieve his 90 Day Re-ancé (that’s when you’ve already been engaged and broken up, and then thought about being engaged again). Mike called his mom on the way to the airport and listened, as she expressed her concerns and doubts about the relationship. He told his mom that he’s willing to see how things go, being that the Visa has been approved. How romantic.
Natalie and Mike seemed to have a very happy reunion, greeting each other with a big hug and even kissing (kind of opposite day to the Jovi/Yara “perfect pickup”). Mike made sure to bring her flowers, even though he didn’t consider her feelings on the color purple (and I could go out on a limb and guess her feelings about “wire hangers”….). After retrieving her luggage full of “hobbling” utensils, they were off!
Mike (forgetting about the theme of being over $30k in debt from last season), decided “eh what the hell” and rented a $500/night hotel room in Seattle to welcome Natalie to her new homeland. She had better not get too comfortable in the swanky hotel room, as it’s quite a change of pace from his house with exposed wires, a dream catcher, and Uncle Bo’s motorcycle pictures  qualifying as decor. Mike arranged a smorgasbord of takeout for dinner, as they celebrated being back together and now in the U.S. Natalie seems excited and hopeful for her new life with the big guy….as long as nothing is purple.

Tarik + Hazel = “Tarzel”:

Welcome back (I guess..) to Tarik and Hazel! We last saw their lovestory so many seasons ago, and there have been so many Big Ed’s and Davids and Lanas that I’d almost forgotten about them. Anyway, last time we saw Tarik visit Hazel for the first time in Thailand on Before the 90 Days. After a whirlwind romance, which included going to her family’s church where people spoke in tongues, Tarik confirmed that Hazel was “the one”. He liked her so much that he proposed on the beach via a DIY rap song that he had made, which of course resulted in a “She said yes” moment. Fast forward to the present, and Tarik’s rap game is still going strong, as we saw him laying down some tracks in the studio with a new Hazel-inspired hit “Hawt Sauzz”. After totally killing it in the studio, we saw Tarik head home to talk about his weird Thailand fetish, which was verified by his “map of Thailand” t-shirt and Hattori Hanzo souvenir sword (which he wielded around in the backyard, accidentally hacking off a few leaves from a tree). Though Hazel (who is only half of team “Tarzel”, the couple’s celebrity name that he has now commemorated in a gold plated necklace from Piercing Pagoda) is the leading lady of his life, his daughter Auri is his first priority. Hazel seems excited to come to the US and meet Tarik’s daughter, though she will be leaving her young son, Harry, behind to do so.
Tarik de freak also explains that Hazel has revealed her interest in women, and that aside from their relationship, she would also like to have her own girlfriend when she gets to the U.S. Tarik seems equal parts excited and apprehensive about this new development, as clearly he likes to “wield his sword” all over the place, and this seems like a great opportunity. 
Tarik met up with his super cute friend Kia to discuss Hazel’s impending arrival and a sticky situation he seemed to have gotten into. He explained that he and Hazel had broken up a year after their engagement, after a faulty pregnancy test, in which Tarik thought Hazel had terminated her pregnancy and lied to him. During this break, which he chalked up to a breach in trust, he had hit up his favorite site (weirdguysthatcreeponasiangirls .com) and met a girl named Minty (which I always think of as more of an adjective instead of a noun). He felt badly for getting too attached to his mint-flavor of the month, and came clean to Hazel. Much to his surprise, Hazel also found Minty attractive, since she’s bisexual, and wanted a little minty flavor for herself. The three had a fun time in Thailand for a few days before Hazel became jealous (which was honestly for the best… “Mintarzel” would have looked horrible on a necklace and the people at Piercing Pagoda did such a great job the first time around).
Tarik promised Hazel that he would refrain from contacting Minty, however he recently broke that promise, claiming to be concerned for her well being during the pandemic. Tarik’s friend Kia  Sorento, drives home the fact that most women would not stand for this, and he needs to come clean with Hazel. I’m kind of wondering if he is telling all of this to Kia to gauge if she would be interested in dating them as well, since KiTarzels doesn’t sound too bad. Also, Mintarzels and Kitarzels sound like something you could possibly sprain.

Rebecca & Zied:

Rebecca met up with her best pal Melody at the gym to discuss the current status of her relationship with Zied. As some people may remember from their season, Melody was Rebecca’s partner in their “private investigating” business, and she dug up some dirt on Zied. Rebecca (who’s favorite accessory to wear or decorate with is Zied’s “deer in headlights” face), was wearing a shirt with Zied to the gym, because he works for both casual as well as formalwear. Melody (who was having a bad hair day, as stated by her blingy baseball cap), pointed out that in his background check, Zied had soo maaach lack of work history. This is a huge deal for Rebecca, who was taken for a ride financially by her last imported youngling middle eastern husband. She explained to Melody that she knows she is taking a risk, but she just feels so strongly about Zied, and doesn’t want to have to redecorate, so she’s hoping things will work out.
Rebecca is nervous and excited for Zied’s upcoming Visa interview, so she decided to buy him a gift. She figured that once he arrived he would be bored at her house all day while she was out slinging hot chicken, so she decided to buy him a game console. At the gaming store, with the aid of a helpful and knowledgeable game care specialist, she was able to find something that “the kids like these days”. The gaming store employees seemed to wonder why Rebecca had revealed so maaach information about her personal life and was bragging about her young fiance, but it probably gave them something to discuss on their lunch break. At the checkout counter, Rebecca further wowed everyone by using her personalized Zied photo credit card. (The card has a unique feature….if you go over your monthly limit, it says “Me no accept this”) 
Next we saw Zied call in the middle of the night to update Rebecca on his Visa interview, saying that he will know if he is approved in one week. Rebecca was concerned about the outcome, but was mostly just staring at him on video chat in his black turtleneck and burgundy blazer, thinking about how good he’d look printed on a shower curtain. I wonder how her daughter will feel when her house gets an “Extreme Zied Home Makeover”……

Yara & BonJovi:

The car ride home from the airport was equally as much fun as the initial pickup, with Yara incessantly complaining about everything, including the “fat people” she saw at the airport. She was less than impressed with Jovi’s choice of apartment, and even less thrilled with the broken coffee table that he must’ve fallen on and smashed after getting totally hammered and rockin’ out to Dave Mathews Band. He finally realized that Yara was serious about being way too tired to party, and the two decided to play it safe and have unprotexted sex instead (Take that, Mother Brandon!). 
The next day, Jovi took his disapproving bride-to-be to experience the sights and smells of Bourbon street. She seemed to be overwhelmed and yet underwhelmed (can you ever just be “whelmed”? I think you can in…Kiev). There were too many people for her liking, and she didn’t seem too impressed with the smell of pee and vomit either (though that seems like it would come with a night of hanging out with her fiance). After having an enjoyable stroll, Bonjovi told Yara that he had made plans for her to meet his mother and stay over in his hometown for the weekend. Yara of course had a problem with this, claiming that she feels uncomfortable staying in people’s homes. Jovi seemed to be really upset that his future wife did not care to make an effort to experience his hometown and attempt to get to know his mother. He mentioned that she could go back to Kiev if she wanted, and a 4th grade style fight about “whose country is better” ensued. Jovi felt shot in the heart, and Yara was to blame. She gives love, a bad name (bad name). 

How long are they going to make us wait for the cougar and Luiz part two?! I’m looking forward to them. Also, the other new couple…..Come on, people! I sat through Tarzels’ hawt sauzz, I earned this!