Love After Lockup; S3, EP 14

Heather & Dylan:

Well, it appears that Heather and Dylan are no more. *sigh*

Dylan has moved onward and upward, to a new apartment, far away from the evil clutches of Aunt Diane. How can he afford such an apartment, you might ask? Well it’s all thanks to his new job as a “renewable energy source salesperson”, which turns out to be even more lucrative than selling drugs. I guess people are more addicted to energy…..

It appears that Dylan made a pit stop at Whole Foods to buy dinner components so he could impress his mother/ dinner date for the evening. While they finished up the dinner menu, Dylan’s mother asked if he was still speaking to Heather, and was relieved to hear her son say it was a done deal. He appeared slightly sad that things didn’t work out, and impressed that it only took them 2 days to figure that out. He claimed to have appreciated her dedication and commitment, albeit a bit intense and he mourned the loss of what he thought that bond was. Now moving on with his solar panel career, he’s excited to see what the next chapter will bring.

Heather, on the other hand, is a bit more bitter about their ending, feeling as though she was led on for 5 years and dumped after Dylan’s release. As we see her putting on a long black wig to model in a photoshoot, she explains that she is trying to stay busy, and would never contemplate getting back together with Dylan, ever. (Right. And Tyrice will stop wearing his blue suit.)

Shawn & Destinee & Ex Baby Mama Kelly:

I like to call this big meeting “A Date with Destiny”

It’s time for the big meeting of the minds, and Shawn’s baby mama Kelly lets the audience know that she is in fact Italian, so beware. Kelly decided to go with an overstated/understated look for the showdown; Overstated with her dark cherry cola fresh scalp-staining hair dye, and understated by wearing absolutely zero makeup whatsoever. She came in hot, trying to defend her right to call her baby daddy Shawn whenever she needs to instead of following some kind of phone call schedule to appease Destinee. Of course Destinee took this as a sign of disrespect, and started running her mouth. Kelly announced that she had “Clash” (not sure if she was referring to the band or the titans), and that she didn’t need her kids around dumpster fires like Destinie. Destinie decided to one up Kelly the best way she knew how; Announcing that she and Shawn are engaged, a fact that Shawn most likely left out.

Destinee high tailed it out of the restaurant, on the verge of exploding on Kelly, and Shawn trailed along like a puppy who had lost his way. He agreed with Destinee that he would not call Kelly or speak to her anymore, even if it possibly means not having a relationship with his kids. Shawn, the style icon that he is, with his ill fitting jeans and weird lopsided shirts, half shaven dirt-stache and 10 year old boy haircut, has made it clear that he chooses Destinie over any logical thought or reason. 

Destinie seemed shaken by the encounter with Kelly, as she went home, muttering to herself about “beating her ass”. That sentiment segwayed nicely into the scene where she was taking a pregnancy test. The looming fear of a dirt-stached/ Destinie hybrid is left open-ended, but will hopefully be revealed in “Life After Lockup” this week.

Quaylon & Shavel:

It’s time for Quaylon to face the music with Shovel and fess up to lying last week during his Houston Quaycation. He’s feeling pressured by Shovel to get married and become a father figure, but they can’t just be an instant family, add Quaylon and stir (like a packet of Quool-aid).

Shovel stood in her kitching, confiding in her mother (and her mother’s signature gold lipstick) that she was concerned about the future of her relationship, instead of her empty refrigerator. Mother Shovel does not have faith that Quay-quay will be ready to settle down and be the man her daughter and granddaughter need. 

After the pressure from Shovel, Quaylon decided he couldn’t stay aquay. He planned a surprise return to Kansas City to prove his dedication to team Quayvel (Or maybe their couple name should be Shovlon. Save “Quayvel” in case they have a baby). He surprised Shovel and showed up to the house, ready to talk about his commitment to their relationship. Even though he isn’t ready to propose at this exact moment, he assures Shovel that he intends to marry her and quild horses couldn’t drag him aquay. The end.

Lindsey & Scott:

Lindsey is still sitting upstairs in the loft of what will one day be Mylie Grace’s bedroom with her friend, Tara Belle. Apparently the two are more than friends, as they are kissing and talking about keeping their open girlfriend relationship a secret from Scott. (Honestly, it seemed really awkward that they threw this “Terribelle” character into the mix, sandwiched between the Scott floor romping storyline and the Mylie Grace/mother of the year storyline, but here we are…)

It’s finally the day that will go down in infamy in Mylie Grace’s life in therapy; The day she moves in with Lindsey and Scott. Lindsey decorated the house with cute banners and signs, as well as gifts to welcome Mylie to her new home. Lindsey’s grandmother, Brenda, tried giving her a pep talk about not screwing things up for Mylie Grace, which was a great idea, though the entire time she spoke, Lindsey was giving a 1000 yard stare. Scott seems excited to have a kid around the house again and looks forward to the future, as he sat on the couch with his legs crossed,revealing that he likes to wear boxer briefs. Can’t wait to see these two stay on for Life After Lockup.  

John & Kristianna:

Kristianna is preparing to turn herself in to the cops, as there is currently a warrant out for her arrest. Her family and John are proud of her decision to own up to her mistakes, as the sooner she deals with the issues, the sooner she can get back home to John and his fish tank horror movie memorabilia. After a tearful goodbye with her ailing mother, Kristianna sets out with John and her sister in the old ”Bonnie & Clyde” truck to the jail. They made awkward conversation, while John tried to play his emotions close to his fringed vest, trying to be stoic for his wife. He seems to carry a lot of weight on his shoulders, and blames himself for not doing even more for Kristianna, so she may have possibly avoided a relapse. We could all use a John in our lives…. But maybe one with less crazy hair and a different jacket. Both John and Kristianna’s sister said goodbye, as we heard Kristianna walk into the precinct and relinquish her freedom. It appears that Kristianna will have an 11 month all inclusive stay, and hopefully she and John will meet again in a roadside vow renewal ceremony.

Jessica & Maurie:

Jessica is in the bridal suite getting all dolled up for her big wedding day! As she was in the hair and makeup chair, her mother surprised her with a guest appearance by her sister, Jennifer, who decided to show support on the big day. Jessica was so excited to see her on this momentous occasion, and it seemed like an emotional reunion. I’m going to give Jessica’s dress an A+ for both fit and design, as it was flattering to her figure, while also managing not to accentuate the impending baby Maurice. The fake ponytail/ Claire’s headband was not my favorite, but hey- It’s your day, Jessica! You whip that hair back and forth! 

Maurice was at his cousin Roni’s house (the heir to the Rice throne), pregaming for the wedding, when he had a quick meetup with his future father in law out back. Jessica’s dad congratulated Maurice, but mentioned that he is now solely responsible for Jessica and the baby, physically, emotionally and most importantly- financially (He should talk to his career counselor, Dylan, who just discovered that having a job can earn you money! So crazy!). Maurice accepted the challenge as he and his crew popped into the RoniMobile to head to the wedding venue. The groom’s crew didn’t get too far before realizing that they had run out of gas. Luckily one of Maurice’s friends was able to run to a gas station to fill ‘er up, and they were once again en route, crisis averted. Maurice looked sharp in his black satin patterned suit, black shirt and leprechaun green bowtie with Jessica’s dad twinning in the exact same outfit.

The ceremony was a tear jerker, as Maurice reflected on all of the time spent dreaming of the day when he’d sport his Lucky Charms bowtie and commit himself to Jessica in front of God and err’ybody. Both families seemed to get along well, and it appeared that the wedding was a total success. The end of the episode wrapped up with the announcement of Jessica and Maurice’s baby boy having been born. Mazel tov to the happy couple/ new family! Hopefully we’ll get to see them on Life After Lockup this go around.