Love After Lockup; S3, EP 12

Heather & Dylan:

It’s only day 2 of Dylan’s release (though it already feels like day 200, and I’m not even in this relationship), and the couple is getting in a car together, yet again.Heather was only partially satisfied about consummating her 5 year relationship, as she knew that bitch Aunt Diane turned her hearing aid up and was sitting with a cup to the door, listening. (Aunt Diane is so jealous!). Dyan (while vaping) confessed that he felt his romantic encounter with Heather was decent, though he is more consumed with heading to the Department of Vehicles to get his required post prison state issued ID. Heather was so worried about applying just the right amount of smokey Wet N Wild eyeshadow, that she was not conscious of the time, and therefore Dylan was late and unable to get his ID. He commented to production, half jokingly, that his tardiness was primarily due to “makeup complications”, which caused Heather to spin out of control. Like, “The Exorcist”, head-spinning, pea soup…the whole nine. She ran towards her car screaming, and demanding her keys.
Dylan felt obligated to follow her to the car, knowing full well that this was a huge risk of life and limb. She freaked out on him, threatening to take down all of the GoPro cameras and take off her mic, while he just looked confused and scared. Between the deranged look on her face and her dented front bumper, Dylan should hop out at the next traffic light.. And fast!

Quaylon & Shovel:

Quaylon is upholding his promise to his family that he would come spend some time, open-ended, in Texas, even though Shovel is not on board. She feels ready to play house with him, while in his head he’s just singing “Quay-cation all I ever wanted! Quay-cation had to get away…” (He’s a closet Go-Go’s fan). Shovel is now questioning the future of their relationship, and if circle-Quay is using her. 
Quaylon lands in Texas and is immediately impressed, as everything is bigger. Mama Quay wants her son to keep his options open, both in the category of women and jobs. She doesn’t want her son to feel held down because of Shovel, since he is finally a free man and really only starting his adult life. Quaylon is reunited with his baby sister “Quaviaunce”, and suddenly I’m feeling like this family were big fans of “White Men Can’t Jump”, and started their own Jeopardy category: “Family members’ names that start with the letter ‘Q’ “.  His sister,“Baby Q” as they call her for short, is ready to take EarthQuayke out on the town to some bars and to mingle with her ladyfriends. Before any of that happened, Quay had to make a pit stop to get his hair did (a little balayage and scalp treatment action). Since he was so into styling his own hair, Mama Quaylandria took her son to a friend’s barbershop to show him a possible career opportunity, (much like myself, Quaylon has an interest in the fine art of hair care). He was interested in what the barber had to say, but was more interested in pursuing a career as a rap artist, as he wants to stay practical, and I supposed a rapping barber is out of the question. Mama Quay just wants him to keep his options open, mmmquay?!

Shawn & Destinie:

Shawn, Destinie and her family are exiting the courthouse with sad faces, as it seems as though her day in court didn’t go according to plan. The D.A. seems to be refiling her case, and she is now facing 7 years in prison. Shawn tried to stay positive, reminding Destinie that there’s still a chance that the case can be thrown out, but she is not feeling hopeful. She tells Shawn that she doesn’t expect him to wait the 7 years, though he feels like he’s still committed (I guess she forgot this was the same man who made her homemade tacos in a Homegoods cooler bag. That= Love). 
While Destinie walked off by herself to stress-smoke a cigarette, Shawn told her mother and sister about his romantic plan to propose, right then and there, because timing is everything. Shawn keeps trying to reassure his love that he will be there for her, and he is very committed to their relationship, thinking that she is upset over losing him, while she is actually upset about being unable to play video poker. 
They say goodbye to Destinie’s family and head back to the motel, though Shawn suggests stopping by a scenic river to take a walk. After expressing how much she means to him, he dropped to one knee and pulled out the bling, proposing. Can’t wait until next week to hear her actual response. 

John & Kristianna:

After John’s heroic rescue act from last week, he returns back to his house/ new AirBNB with his fugitive bride. Kristianna ran off to take a shower upon entering, probably not even taking a minute to take in all of the unique decor in her new marital home. John confessed to his new in-laws that he could in fact go back to prison by helping her, since he is actually an ex-con himself. Kristianna’s mom hugged her, trying to convince her daughter that she does not need to be spending the rest of her life in prison. It was a heart wrenching moment, as the entire family cried their eyes out over the fact that after she turns herself back in, Kristianna will be going to jail and most likely prison. John let her rest comfortably in their bed, while he went out back and threw a piece of pallet wood in a fit of rage. He’s married a lot of women in his life, but I assume he probably at least got to spend one day with each of them. Such a Shakespearean love story… 

Jessica & Maurice:

Maurice is hanging his head out of the window like a golden retriever as he cruises the strip with Jessica while they head to check out wedding venues. They found a great all inclusive chapel/venue that they felt would be the perfect location for their fancy wedding. Maurice had to feel out the space by sitting in various seats in the chapel and doing impressions of his rowdy relatives, which was actually quite entertaining. The couple will be tying the knot in a room with a synthetic waterfall and sunset, where Maurice actually decided to officially propose. It was a very sweet proposal, expressing how much he appreciated Jessica and looks forward to their future. She of course said “YES” again, and was very impressed by her upgraded ring (though she questioned if he did anything illegal to get it). All of her bridesmaids better wear blue. 

Tyrice & his damn blue suit:

Tyrice is still hot off of the breakup between Chanda and his damn blue suit, when he decides to give love another chance with a nice woman named Tracie (Note to Tyrice: Steer clear of women on “Love After Lockup” named Tracie, They are Goddesses, but they love the M*thaf*ckin’ crack). He claimed to have met new Tracie at an art gallery while looking at some “art” (culture), and he noticed her big old booty and a taste for finer things. Tracie understands Tyrice’s troubled relationship with Chanda, being that she herself had previously been in prison. (Papa Ty swears that he doesn’t just date ex cons… that just seems to be where they grow the biggest booties). Gross, but Mazel Tov to the new couple.

Noticeably missing tonight were Scott and Lindsey, who we know are still fighting in the house, because she literally can’t leave…. damn that ankle monitor!