Happily Ever After; Tell All Part 2

As if the first portion of the Tell All wasn’t compelling enough…. Here comes number 2.

The second installment began with Shaun questioning Asuelu on how he felt about seeing and hearing how his family acted towards Kalani during clips from the show. 

Though his eyes looked dead as per usual, he did seem to be upset, as he explained that it hurt him to hear his mother say that she didn’t care about his kids. And because no one asked her, Tammy had to jump right in and tell her brother that he needs to support their mother, or get a divorce. Periot. After hearing Tammy’s clearly logical way of thinking, Sister Kolini weighed in, pointing out that Tammy was in fact a crazy person. This sent Tammy spiraling out of control, virtually kicking ass and taking names, starting with KA- lini/lani. (It was unclear as to whether all of the ass kicking was going to take place through the zoom video, or if she was going to wait until after the pandemic.) Elizabeth and Undrrrei showed up in their annoying little box, trying to mediate the situation. Undrrrei explained that Tammy shouldn’t fight (irony at its best), while Elizabeth, with her nasal affect chimed in telling Tammy to “be classy”, and not to make this a peasant conversation. Mother Debbie decided to throw her hat into the ring, acting like a real badass, and causing Tammy to put her on the shit-list. It was as if Tammy was some kind of character in a Nintendo game, beating up different bad guys as she kept moving up a level until…… she finally summoned the Queen herself. Angela voluntarily took Debbie’s place in the Hollywood Square to give Tammy a verbal asswhooping, claiming she needs to respect Kalani’s household. Along with her tongue lashing, Ang revealed the “gun show”, which was all of the evidence needed to ensure Tammy would be singing a different tune if this Tell All was in person (Angela has a hell of a resume for the Tell All smackdowns, but I’m pretty sure this would have been the best and most deserved).

After letting Tammy threaten half of the cast, her mom finally woke up from her nap and told her daughter to stand down. She sounded very innocent and wise as she tried to explain that she loved her son, and would never want him to give up his precious family. Kalani looked on from her vifrtual cubicle with a giant novelty plastic popcorn prop and matching eye roll.

Tammy had to jump back in one last time to drive home her “Kalani and Asuelu need to give up their yogurt fortune to Samwa or get divorced” mantra, crowning her the official most hated person at the Tell All (and believe me, with this crowd- that was a close call!). Mama Lisa spoke up that the couple needs to work together, and it’s unfair that her daughter has to live with a selfish manchild, which caused Asuelu to finally blink before removing his ear piece and leaving his marital zoom square.

Kalani does a walkthrough of the house to see if he is just playing hide and seek or in fact left the premises, and it appears that he may have taken a random bus to play volleyball and possibly catch Covid. She tried calling her husband, but explained that another one of his charming character traits is to block her phone number and all social media when he’s having a tantrum. Elizabeth thinks this is not classy, and possibly peasant fighting.

While “Where in the world is Asuelu Santiago” continues, Shaun moves to Colt and his harem. 

The conversation resumes in a big way, with Shaun bringing up the possibility that Colt had cheated on Jess with the elusive Vanessa. Mother Debbie, who clearly knows about all of Colt-ee’s adult encounters, chimes in saying “he did not cheat on Jess with Vanessa!” (If she has another outburst, we can always call Tammy in for security….)

Colt explains that Vanessa had reached out to him via social media during the tail end of the Larissa Era (also known as “L.E.”), as she was also going through a divorce. Colt claimed the friendship was platonic- maybe an emotional affair at best, but only because Vanessa somehow managed to resist Colt’s relationship advances (she just used him for his body instead ::insert barfing emojis here::). Vanessa made her debut, smiling smugly as Colt-ee finally confessed to Jess and an international audience that he in fact cheated. Jess called him a slew of names, which mostly have a suffix of “boy” (i.e. “You a weird-boy!” “You a disgusting-boy!” “You a cheater-boy!”) as she trashed him for lying to women and having the nerve to claim it was their fault. Larissa added to the drama, saying that he was already talking to Vanessa while they were married, and she had caught him lying about his whereabouts, as she had been tracking his phone’s GPS.

The whole segment turned into a therapy session, as Shaun asked Colt-ee (in her best Dr Phil voice) “Colt, why do you think you lie to women so much?” He took the opportunity to pretend to be a “lost soul” and very introspective to obtain any form of sympathy, but it seemed like no one was really falling for it. After crying about his compulsion to lie to Brazilliain women, Colt slid out of the hot seat for a few.

The attention turned to Tania and Cinnamon, who admitted there was trouble in quarantine paradise. Shaun asked Cinnabon if he had ever heard of Fabio, as he tossed his ginger locks back and forth, due to Tania-related nerves. Admittedly, it is hard for me to pay attention when Tania is speaking (she’s my own personal “Toby Flenderson”). It just seemed that the same relationship issues are persisting, where Tania is unhappy with Synonym’s drinking habits and lack of commitment to her master life plan, whatever that may be. They recently were in some kind of fight, which they tap danced around talking about. Their clues to what the fight was about didn’t really make sense, but it was clear that Tania did not want to disclose the information, as she found it embarrassing. There was a special appearance by the two friends from South Africa (Andrew with the glasses and James/Lord Baelish), who should actually consider becoming a tag team relationship counseling duo, and would be much better at hosting this disaster than Shaun Robinson. They basically got Singinatti to admit that he didn’t think the relationship would work, and they blamed it all on Tania. Sounds about right to me! At the end of the segment, the couple admitted to trying to work on their issues in a meticulous yet free-spirited way, with a lot of alcohol, before making the final call whether to divorce or not. Good thing I never bought THEM a toaster! (All I would ever buy Tania is a lump of coal.)

Since TLC is a class-act non-peasant organization, they prompted Shaun to ask all of the couples if they were getting it on during quarantine. Most of the couples seemed to feel uninhibited discussing the frequency of their sexual transactions (except for Colt and Debbie, who just sat there awkwardly, and Kalani, who was still trying to find out Asuelu’s coordinates). Shaun had to stir the pot a bit more, asking Larissa who she preferred sexy-time with; Eric or Colt-ee? To no one’s surprise, she chose Eric, though to everyone’s surprise, she claims they actually sleep together. Colt then went on a rampage, announcing that he enjoys the act of love making, though his ex wife Larissa didn’t want to at all and his ex girlfriend Jess wanted to a bit too much (Vanessa must be the Goldilocks of the situation, keeping things in the middle). 

Angela chimed in, saying that she and Michael keep their relationship spicy with video chats, and sexy striptease dances for each other.(Here’s to hoping the Grids never walk in on that one!)

The conversation moved on to discussing the egg issue AH-GAIN, and the couple worked hard trying to coerce Skyla into toting their grandchild/child/stepchild all in one. Skyla claims to be sleeping with one eye open these days, as Michael and Angela seem to have their eyes on the prize. Everyone had to weigh in, trying to explain to Michael that Skyla doesn’t want to tote or donate an egg, though Michael is not taking no for an answer. Angela slightly questioned if Michael wanted an anchor baby, which was of great insult and caused him to walk off camera and go hang out with Asuelu. He quickly returned, trying to explain the importance of having his own child, and keeping in the delusion that this would magically happen with Angela. Aunt Lidia had to weigh in, feeling duped. She had heard about Angela’s lone egg and thought that meant the couple would be able to make a mini Mike, but clearly she was unfamiliar with how that process works. She took it upon herself to personally address Skyla- the stingy egg hoarder, to donate her DNA. The egg shakedown was so bizarre…

Tania took it upon herself to chime in and offer up one of her rotten eggs, claiming to have adorable features. Everyone looked confused on that one, and Angela politely declined (Good move, Ang. No one needs a mini Tania terrorizing their pregnancy or life). 

Angela was getting very heated, as she tends to do, sick to death of all of the baby-making egg-toting pressure and surrogate suggestions, and she eventually stormed off.

And just like that, another 2 hours of my life- gone. Only one more wasted hour to go….