Happily Ever After, Episode 14

Good morning Colt-ee, my d*ck:
Cue the Rocky music…. Now that Jess is out of the picture, and he got bored of sending out micro mini pics, Colt-ee thought it would be a great time to have a DIY breast reduction by way of exercise (he saw it on Pinterest). He used those community park monkey bar things that I was pretty sure were only there to put your foot up to tie your shoe…and then he made himself vomit (funny, because most of his scenes usually make everyone else vomit. I guess it was just his turn!) 
Colt was joined by his random friend/ new life coach, Steve, who tried to convince Colt-ee that he needs to focus on himself and his weightloss journey instead of accumulating more Brazillian babes from the internet. Random Steve then questioned Colt about his relationship with his mother, and what role she plays in his romantic relationships, making it easy for Colt to blame his troubles with the ladyfolk on his mom instead of his d*ck pics. With the encouragement from  New Stranger Steve, Colt agrees to have a talk with Debbie about cutting the cord a bit, and butting out of his personal life…. (although he might be losing his Only Fans photographer in the process….) . He and Hired Extra Steve also did some man things, like toss the football around, which was mostly watching Colt-ee run around more awkwardly than Pol. 
Can he be categorically done and dusted yet??!

Angela & Michael:
It’s Meemaw & Michael’s freaking wedding day!! 
I have been waiting for this moment for 5 freaking seasons and here we are! Angela was crowned and ready, walking down the aisle with the Nigerian band behind her (I wish they would’ve used the original audio instead of dubbing the cheesy inspirational “Metro PCS” alarm tone music instead….). Michael looked truly happy as they met at the altar, with the officiant reading the rules that there is only to be ONE wife, and more wives would result in the illegal act of bygomy (then Angela slipped him a $20 for reading that one out loud). 
The ceremony and vows went well, until it was time for Ang to agree to love, cherish, honor and…. OBEY! She stalled for a minute or two, before saying the words through gritted teeth, but she finished it off with that famous Meemaw laugh and charm!
Mazel tov to Mr & Mrs, Ilesani! (And double Mazel tov to my toaster, who finally found it’s forever home!)

Angela changed into a red dress for the reception, where she danced the night away. It looked like they were having a do-over of the bachelor(ette) party, as Michael threw dollar bills at Ang as she danced, and even Mama Michael was droppin’ it like it’s hot, or at least room temperature. There were a few other fun little moments at the wedding, such as Angela crowning Michael her “king”, and Michael taking off Angela’s garter belt with his teeth (while the “Star Spangled Banner” played on loop in his head).
It was finally time for Angela’s favorite part- the cake, which did not disappoint! It was half American and half Nigerian flag themed, and there were pyrotechnics involved.The cake toppers though were slightly concerning, being that the bride figurine was a tall, slender young African woman (kind of thought Angela might have accused Michael’s groom figurine of cheating and had an “Im Done” moment….)
I heard Colt sent them a text, saying “Happy Wedding Day, my d*ck”, which reminded Angela that Michael better not drink too much at the reception, as the King needed to service the Queen on their wedding night.

Apparently all went well in that department, as the next morning Angela strutted her long clip-in ponytail (that she found in the back of Darcey’s car, and then lost somewhere in her bottomless bra) over to Jojo’s room to brag about her successful wedding night. Somehow Jojo still had an appetite after hearing that overshare, so they took her out to a “thank you” send off lunch, as she was preparing to leave Nigeria. Sissy Jojo expressed to Michael that she was a little skeptical of his intentions from the beginning, and worries that he will come to America and leave his new wife. Micheal did his best to explain himself and his true love for Angela, and in the end, Jojo supports her sissy and just wants to see her happy. 

After Sissy was deposited at the airport, the newlyweds went for a romantic dinner wearing their wedding crowns. They discussed Michael working when and IF he finally gets to the U.S, which he seems excited to do. They also talked about what a great time they had at the wedding (as well as the wedding night), which reminded Angela that they’d better leave dinner early, as Michael has work to do…

Unfortunately, a few hours later Skyla called with a vague message about Angela’s mother being taken by ambulance to the hospital. Angela was panicking and heartbroken over the thought of not making it back in time to see her mother, who was critically ill. It was such a stressful trip through and through, but at least she was able to have a great time at the wedding, before hearing this crushing news. I would text her a picture of a hugging emoji, and say something like “thinking of you, hang in there”, but Colt on the other hand…..let’s hope he doesn’t text first…… 

Larissa-ee:

Larissa and Eric-ee are driving to the surgical center for surger-ee time. Eric does a pretty accurate Larissa impression as they drove, and discussed all of the nervousness and excitement that one experiences when they’re about to get a new nose and boob-ees. Once there, Larissa got her shower cap and gown on in preparation for the surgery, with Eric by her side as her hype man. It is, after all, an investment in their future (I guess the boobs are the new 401k). 
TLC went back to their roots with this portion of the episode, as we actually got to see some “behind the scenes” of Larissa’s surgery, before they went back to manufactured drama/ business as usual.Eric-ee was pacing around the waiting room, worried about his investment, as Larissa took her time coming out of the anesthesia. He laughed nervously upon seeing her, probably already gearing up for his new “Larissa in pain” impression he’s going to do in the car while driving her to her next cosmetic procedure…
Poor Larissa did seem zonked, as they returned to the house, where she laid down in Eric’s dorm room bed with the creepy hand painting hanging over top, clearly paying homage to his infamous “Vogue-ing”. Eric-ee probably figured he would just have to rub her boobs, and not actually take care of her, so he seemed a bit shocked as he nervously shoveled soup between her inflated lip-ies. Can’t wait to see the big reveal next week of the new nose-ie and boob-ees! A text from Colt: “Hope you heal soon! My d*ck”

Elizabeth & Undrrrei:

It’s the morning of the big day, as Sister Jen is helping Elizabeth with her makeup to prepare for My Big Fat (is it over yet?) Moldy Wedding. Undrrrei is in his own chamber with his brother and friend preparing as well. Both parties separately discuss the happenings from last week, which were just like the week before, and kind of like the one before that.
The families both meet outside of the Moldovan church, with both Elizabeth and Undrrrrer arm dressed to the Moldovan nines. They crowned Libby with the cutest flower crown and she looked like an adorable doll that might pop open and sprout 4 other dolls of varying smaller sizes, with the smallest holding a platter of salami. (Honestly, Moldovan Church Bride is her look. She should always wear this). Once inside the Moldovan church, the priest read the couple their vows and put the rings on them himself as he performed the traditional Moldovan ceremony. 

Fast forward to that evening where the second time married couple arrived at their Moldy reception, which featured tons of food, as well as what Undrrrei described as “high quality entertainment”. Elizabeth looked nice in her fancy wedding dress (though her hair and makeup were kinda “bleh”). The wedding looked fabulous, with a live band, dancers wearing capes, oversized candelabras, and more meat than meets the eye. Even Jen was blown away at the level of fanciness Moldy-O brought to the table. In America, we mostly have Pauly-D-esque djs, an updated remix of the Cotton Eyed Joe, and the YMCA. But here in Moldova, there are caped Von Trapp breakdancers that also do handstands! 
Charlie seemed to be enjoying the wedding… well, mostly the open bar, to be specific. Mama Elizabeth, who claimed to only have expected to see poverty and “sad people”, was so excited to see “fancy things” and “happy people” (Why does she remind me of Stiffler’s mom?? Specifically from “Best In Show”.)

A highlight of the wedding was the bride’s bread ceremony, where the “Heidi of the Mountains” dancers twirled over with a circular wreath of carbs for the couple to rip apart. Whoever got the bigger piece of bread is supposed to be the “head of the household”, which we know is Undrrrei’s big thing. Lucky for Libby, it was a 50/50 split (which was a fun little exercise, but she still has to let him finish all of his fots. Also, I think production edited out the traditional Moldovan Cutting of the Cheese ceremony)
Elder Chuck decided to give a speech, thanking everyone for their hospitality (especially the personal tour of the Moldovan Walmart), which received a roaring round of applause. Baby Chuck, however, had too much of the bottle that night and took it upon himself to grab the mic and slur something about “Umerica…. And downt liv offuh mah dad”. Libby had enough and started clapping to end his drunken tirade, but Undrrrrei was not having it. He ushered Chuckles Jr. outside, who ended the segment with the best line ever; “ You tryin’ to fight me in Moldova???” Hold on to your cold cuts, kids! We won’t know for sure until next week. 
I give this wedding a 4 salami rating. (There is only a salmani rating system in Moldova, no stars). I would have given it 5 salamis if the baby donkey was there. 

Pol & Kreeknee:

When Pol isn’t running like a weirdo, he’s doing his other favorite thing – schlepping luggage. Paul and Kreeknee are flying back to Brazil with baby Pierre, which still doesn’t make much sense to me. Weren’t they just there? Weren’t they only in the U.S. for 2 months? How did they have the money to buy the plane tickets? Are the German Shepards left behind, eating the baby baguettes? 
Paul’s mom came by the airport for a tearful goodbye with her grandson and one last chance to tell Pol not to screw up. Kreknee’s hair was clean and she smiled for like the second time ever. She felt that this open ended trip home to Brazil might be just what they need to be able to come back to America, the logic in which I’m still trying to understand. I hope Colt sends them a text, “Have a safe flight! My d*ck”. They deserve it.

Kalani & Asuelu:

After the disaster of the Washington trip and one trip to the therapist, Asuelu invited his Disney Villain family to visit in an attempt to repair their relationship with Kalani. His money hungry mother and sister Rosa flew in for the occasion, and pro-wrestler sister Tammy is driving over from Salt Lake City to join the fun. Asuelu met up with his mother and Rosa at their hotel room to pregame, and discuss what happened between them and Kalani. Turns out not only did she say all of those awful things to Kalani, but she meant them, and now feels like Asuelu should threaten divorce if his wife doesn’t agree to give her all of their frozen yogurt riches (She should really join the Samwan Mafia, if she isn’t already a member… and if that’s a thing). Also, poor Rosa keeps getting dragged along to all of this, and they don’t even let her communicate with subtitles or anything! I need to know if she’s team “Show me the money” or team “I would have dropped her, periot.” 

It was the showdown we were all waiting for. Papa Low vs. Mother Asuelu, and I have to say, it fell a bit flat. Kalani and her parents (along with the boob bandits) sat down at the diner, ready to hash out their issues over hashbrowns. The Asuelians finally arrived, with Mama Asuelu making sure to awkwardly greet one of the suckling babies attached to the boob tap, while Tammy maintained her resting bitch face and gave the cold shoulder (poor Rosa just tagged along, and hopefully got a free brunch out of the deal). Mama Asuelu started in with her money schtick, to which Mother Kalani (who seems very nice but always looks like she just finished cleaning the kitchen…), interjected, making it known that the couple can not give what they don’t have. It got slightly heated for 0.02 seconds, which Low squashed, by admitting that meshing the two cultures is difficult. With Low’s large shadow looming over him, Asuelu decided to stand up to his mother and firmly stated that he will only give her money if he has left over after taking care of Kalani and the pajama brothers. Periot.

This of course caused Mama Asuelu’s sunken evil eyes to well with emotion for the first time, but she agreed to respect his decision (good thing he didn’t say making out was off the table, too!). Asuelu admitted that he was only a quarter half happy, which was a fun fraction, as opposed to most 90 Day men expressing feelings in percentages. Then everyone finished their food. That was it. Instead of eating his Grand Slam breakfast, Low should have ripped off his clothing, revealing his fighting sarong, as he flung Tammy through the wall, flipped the damn table, body checked Asuelu, flipping the bird to Rosa just because she was there, while twirling a firestick and tipped the waitress all at the same time, while Flo Rida plays in the background “She hit the floor! Next thing you know! Shawty got LOW LOW LOw low low low…”

But no. He was sipping herbal tea and thinking about taking up bird watching. You let us down, Low. You let us down. Periot. 
He deserves a Colt-ee text AND only a 1 salami rating. 

Noticeably missing (because I didn’t have to mute my television) were Tania & Cinnabon. I’m so grateful that they give us a week off from them every other week. It’s like they go away to Dad’s house every other weekend, and it’s the kind of custody agreement that I’m thankful for.