Happily Ever After, EP 10

Colt-ee, Jess & Debbie:

The scene opened with Colt’s exposed thighs front and center, sitting on the bed. We’ve seen way too much of his lovely lady lumps this season already….please, no more. 

He explained hearing noise and a bunch of yelling in the middle of the night, which he first thought was just from the concussion caused by the idea of being struck in the head by a shoe. However, it was Jess coming back to the hotel room along with hotel security. Colt thought it would be best to get his own hotel room for the night, instead of trying to sneak in and snuggle up with Debbie (I guess you could call this progress).

The next morning he went to Jess’s hotel room to try and salvage their super sexy relationship.He tried to scold Jess for her behavior, only taking a small part of the blame for lying. He confessed that he still loves her and wants to be with her, and for some reason, she agrees to give him a second chance. She assured him that she is way better than Vanessa, and her glasses are much much bigger. She did, however, reprimand him for lying, and mentioned that he has no “cone-troll” over his lies (she LOVES to say the word cone-troll. It’s like she can’t even cone-troll the amount of times she says it). 

Jess decided she wanted to accompany Colt-ee and Debbie to the airport to see them off, and the three met in the hotel lobby with their bags. Debbie was less than thrilled to see the return of Jess, and couldn’t cone-troll her eye rolls and annoyed faces. They piled into the airport van and Debbie decided to ask Jess if she was sorry for her crazy outburst the night before. Jess explained that she was sorry she went all Darcey throwing the Lou Boutouin at Colt, but he kind of had it coming as he lied to her about his relationship with Vanessa.

Once they arrived at the airport, Colt-ee and Jess had a very romantic airport goodbye, where they stared into each other’s eyes, while Debbie was in the distance, eyes rolling once again and quietly saying “Gag me with a spoon!”. Debbie was fearful that Colt would steal David’s move and propose at the airport, but unlike Lana, Jess just won’t disappear. 

Thus concluded “Debbie & Colt-ee Do Brazil 2020”. Hopefully someone got Deb her Panda Express at the airport (though she might have been too nauseous to eat). 

Angela & Mykol:

Michael (most likely instructed by production) is treading in dangerous waters as he schleps Angela to some kind of Nigeria sponsored marriage counseling that is apparently critical to their wedding. He prepped Angela, telling her not to bring up all of the kinky accessories she brought for him (like handcuffs and penis warmer) which of course she then has to mention. Angela looked great in her wrap dress and “LOVE” rhinestone dangley earrings. At the marriage counseling, they walked down memory lane describing their Facebook friend request courtship. They are applying for the third type of marriage available in Nigeria, which is between 1 man, and 1 woo-man, instead of the other two options which allow side chicks. The nice lady in the blue shirt from the counseling office proceeds to tell Angela that she must be submissive to her husband, and make sure he always has dinner waiting for him, while Angela just smiled and nodded, trying to decide if she wanted to have an outburst now or later (I’m guessing the counselor has never seen the show…). 

She tried explaining to the very qualified counselor that she wanted to treat each other as equals (which meant she was getting Michael his own bra to tote his accessories), but the seasoned professional would not hear of it. Nevertheless, she granted them some pretend paperwork and off they went. Next on the agenda was another meet up with Aunt Lydia, who seems to be getting a lot of screen time. Angela explained the counseling session and how she refuses to be a submissive wife, which Michael clearly knows by now. Aunt Lydia tries to explain that this is part of the Nigerian culture and Angela has to adjust her attitude, which went exactly as expected. She turned to Michael for answers, as he seemed to be telling Angela what she wanted to hear about their relationship roles, and then changing the story for his family. She feels as though Michael has to be lying to one or both of them, and she lost it. Ang called herself an Uber, wandering off on the streets of Nigeria to get away, and headed back to the apartment alone. Poor Michael is going to have some ‘splainin’ to do…. And for now, the wedding is off again.

Elizabeth & Undrrrrei:

It looks like after 3 fun filled episodes we have finally exited Moldovan purgatory, aka the Moldovan meat chalet. Libby and Undrrrei were wandering through a park looking pretty somber the morning after the big fight with the Chucks. Libby seems mad at her husband for being rude and threatening to her family, but also way too calm given the situation. Undrrrei and his pride can’t simply apologize to Big Chuck (and his checkbook), so instead he’s sending Elizabeth over to neutralize the situation. 

Elizabeth popped on over to the fancy, ultra, modern Airbnb wearing a ginormous knit headband and puffy coat, looking like she was playing the part of a bum in a Lifetime movie.  She was really impressed with the lodging, and probably jealous, since she was still staying in the bologna palace. Naturally Chuck and Chuck Incorporated asked what the deal was with Undrrrei and his attitude the night before. Elizabeth did her best to stay neutral and explain the situation, saying that although her husband was wrong for getting heated and aggressive, Baby Chuck acted out of line as well. Chuck disagreed, feeling like Undrrrei was trying to hide something and was trying to keep his friends quiet. The conversation concluded with an agreement that they would have to leave and not attend or pay for the wedding, unless Undrrrei sincerely apologized. 

In the next scene, Baby Chuck and Pappa Chuck went to meet with Undrrrei at a war museum (since they have already filmed at all of the other Moldovan hot spots. It was either there or a meat processing plant). Undrrrei gave a half ass apology, blatantly admitting the only reason for this meeting was because he needed the funds to make My Big Fat Moldovan Wedding happen. The apology was more of an unapology, and the tanks and war relics were a perfect background for the heart to heart. Undrrrei and Chuck squared seemed to come to a truce, agreeing that they can put everything behind them as long as he stepped it up and stopped acting like a Moldovan Meathead (accent on the meat). 

Tania & Cinnabon:

After Syngerella finished all of his chores, his wicked boss, Tania, let him go hang out with his former roommates to the bar until the sun came up (otherwise he turns back into a greasy haired boy that lives in a shed…..Oh wait…). He seemed to finally look happy and at ease as he had a very happy and loud reunion with his former roommates. They seemed so excited to see him with a slew of loving fat jokes ready to hurl in his direction as they did shots, drank beers, and chanted loudly.

His friend Andrew with the glasses mentioned that Cinnamon brought Tania home one night from the bar and she never left……(kind of like a bedbug. He picked her up somewhere, she lived in his bed, then ended up irritating everyone in the house and she was impossible to get rid of!). Apparently she proceeded to hang around their apartment for a few months, uninvited, creating tension and complaining about their bachelor pad and annoying the crap out of everyone, while also telling them how they should be doing things in their own home, in their own country. Sounds about right!

The roommate with the mustache had a whole “Lord Baelish” thing going on, and he seemed to pick up on the fact that Tania was making Synonym miserable. 

The roommates (who were often yelling in unison) asked “HOW IS IT BEING MARRIED TO TANIA???!!” Which could best be summed up watching her slurp tea…..

Andrew wants to know how things got to this point and how Synergy ended up marrying this stage 5 clinger. Syncinatti explained that Tania made him have an “emoji feeling” (she does that to me too, it’s the angry face emoji), and he was in a “lust bubble”, which somehow turned into a “marriage bubble”, due to the time restraints of the Visa. . 

Clearly poor Syringe is homesick and is thinking of taking me up on one of my “ditch Tania” ideas while she’s in town. *Fingers crossed* (If anyone could come up with a scheme, it would be Lord Baelish…)

Larissa-ee:

It’s the morning after the Queen’s return to Eric-ee’s palace and the two sat down to hash things out while Eric-ee made breakfast-ee. Larissa apologized for going through the phone and calling Eric-ee’s gossip girl, and he apologized for saying things about her vagina. Larissa also made Eric promise not to call the cops, but changed her mind and said he might need to……because he was stealing her heart. Classic! (Did you want some “cheese” to go with those eggs??)

They appeared to have made up from this little bump in the road, and their relationship is game on, once again. 

Next Larissa is pulling on her pleather pants to head to lawyer Adam’s office to discuss her third domestic violence case. It looks like the case is closed, and she can finally put Colt and Debbie behind her (if they fit), but unfortunately we will be seeing less of lawyer Adam (sad emoji feeling).  Now she only has to worry about her immigration case, which is coming up next, and Adam warned her to stay out of trouble in the meantime-ee.

Kalani & Asuelu:

Asuelu went alone to see his family at their home, which looked like a pretty nice house and had a very large wreath on the door from the Sam-wawa store. Asuelu dished out the goodies he had brought, but the family seemed indifferent to his bags of chips and canned corned beef. 

He tried explaining to his mother that he is now starting his life as an American man and doesn’t have the extra money to send home at the moment. Tammy, the buttinsky that she is, had to chime in by saying that the lack of funds is all Kalani’s fault, since she’s older and the one in charge. Asuelu told his family “Kalanis doesn’t control me”, but they were too busy laying on the guilt trip to hear anything he had to say. He eventually got mad and left, probably looking for the bus back to Samoa. 

The next day, Asuelu, Kalani and the kiddos piled in the car to meet their money hungry grandma at a random goat farm. Oliver was having the best time ever running after the goats, when the goat farm attendee had to rain on his parade and smugly say “If we can minimize the chasing, that would be much appreciated”. I hope when one of her precious goats tried to eat Asuelu’s skirt Kalani said “If we could minimize the chomping, that would be much appreciated”. Mother Asuelu made an appearance at the goat party where she quickly brought up the subject of money once again. Asuelu tried to explain that he needed to worry about his kids first, since America is very expensive unlike Samoa. He further tried to prove his point by pointing out the homeless tents just outside the bootleg goat farm (as it bordered on CHAZ/CHOP), saying that he and his family could wind up sleeping on the streets without his full paycheck from TCBY. “If we can minimize the grubbing of money, that would be much appreciated”. 

Pol & Kreeknee:

This just gets harder and harder to watch every week….

This week on “Little House, Big Drama”, Kreeknee has locked herself in the bathroom, going through what Pol explains as a “mood swing”. Mother Paul shows up and tries to go after Karine to talk to her, but is given a “go away” hand gesture, as she continues strutting through the trailer park. Paul showcased his famous awkward run that was exclusively for our benefit. He caught up to Karine who was sitting on a park bench with her cell phone, still fairly comatose. Defeated in his efforts to get her to speak,, he headed back to their shanty where baby Pierre and his baby baguettes were sleeping on the bed. He told his mother he didn’t know what more to do, as he swatted flies. These two are out of cone-troll.