Happily Ever After, EP 8

Larissa-ee:

Larissa is still burning mad after finding out that Eric-ee (her “little kitten”) had discussed private details about their intimate relations with a random girl he had just met as well as his entire family. When Eric returned to the house, Larissa decided to confront him which led to a big fight. She tried to belittle him, insulting his manhood and asking him to return the cell phone she had “lent” him for the last 6 months. Eric-ee claimed they only rekindled their relationship with the understanding that they would let bygones be bygones (probably knowing full well that his girl talk gossip would come back to bite him in the ass). They argued back and forth with my personal favorite being when Eric yelled “you walk around here in your robe like you’re Dolly Parton or something” (meanwhile, any REAL Dolly fan would’ve said “Why’d you come in here lookin’ like that?!” …..). Larissa had her own classic moment when she was deflecting a comment about her oral skills by announcing that her face cost $10,000….bitch. Eric-ee was gesturing wildly with his hands throughout the entire fight, almost to the point of interpretive dance. Larissa had a few zingers, which I would have never known if it weren’t for the subtitles. I feel like these two are really meant to be together.

Larissa left Eric-ee’s house without makeup to go speak to Carmen, who was holding the world’s smallest-ee dog-ee. Carmen seemed unphased by all that Larissa had told her of the intel from the mystery woman, Nathalie (though she may have been more shocked about the giant dandruff flakes prominently sitting on top of Larissa’s head). Larissa had taken Eric’s phone when she left, and Eric was now threatening to call the police, which would spell big trouble for the queen. Carmen tried to talk some sense into Larissa and encourage her to be on her own, and she will find someone else when the time is right. I’m guessing by the looks of next week’s previews she doesn’t listen… 

Colt-ee & Jess & Debbie:

It was time for the next leg of the Brazilian tour, so Colt-ee, Jess & Debbie stopped by Jess’s family’s house to say goodbye. Jess’s family gave Debbie and Colt-ee thoughtful parting gifts, which was very sweet of them, especially given how awkward their dinner seemed to be. Colt took Jess’s father aside to speak with him about possibly marrying his daughter and her giant glasses, and he said “sure, why not”- a touching moment indeed. Debbie watched Jess carefully as she said goodbye to her family, thinking it was suspicious that she claimed to “not be sure when she’d see them again”, when her Visa expired in 6 months. The wheels in Debbie’s head began to turn, devising a plan….

The three stooges loaded into the van and headed off to San Paulo, with Debbie probably having to watch Colt & Jess make out for the duration of the trip.There were actually 2 separate hotel rooms booked this time, and both parties retreated to their own quarters. Debbie had a quick conference call with Vanessa, the cat-sitting side chick, to check on her pets as well as let Vanessa know the status of Colt and Jess’s relationship. It was just then that the lightbulb went off in the dark corners of Debbie’s devious mind…

Colt and Jess came up to Debbie’s room, all decked out in their power couple color (red) for a night on the town with her friends, and even invited Debbie as their collective plus one. Debbie declined at first, then was pretending to toss the idea around right before savagely saying “Vanessa just sent me a video of the cats, want to see??”  

You could almost hear the record scratch as Jess stopped in her tracks, turning to Colt with the death stare. Of course Colt-ee had promised her that he would stop talking to Vanessa, and he kept claiming “she’s just a friend”. Jess stormed off, fuming mad that Coltee had lied to her and annoyed with Debbie for questioning her maturity and intentions. The night seemed to be ruined, and Colt was left sitting in his mother’s hotel room, questioning Jess’s motives even though he was the one who lied. I’m just curious how all of these women are lining up to be with Colt-ee. Maybe they like to date a guy who they can share bras with?

In any case….Well played, Debbie. Well played. 

Angela & Mykol:

I know personally when I want to have a big conversation about major life decisions or medical issues, I usually try to have them at any type of wildlife facility, namely, anywhere near a monkey. There’s just something about their cute yet devious faces, their smell, and the impending sense of being hit with flying fecal matter that makes me want to open up about my reproductive health. This is why Angela and I get along so well…

In any case, after a brief run in with the native wildlife, Michael and Angela sauntered around the nature preserve to find a comfortable spot to discuss tote-gate 2020. Angela comes clean to Michael, telling him about her health scare and the possibility (ok let’s now call it a probability) that she will not be able to carry a baby. She wants to make sure Michael is okay with just being married people with a ton of grids, instead of Mama Meemaw and Papa-papaw. Michael was taken aback (really? I guess he was asleep during health class…) and said he needed a minute to process this new and shocking information. 

Luckily, Angela’s doctor was able to do a virtual appointment right then and there with her test results from the biopsy. How perfectly naturally timed!  Angela, Michael and the monkeys listened with baited breath as Dr. Pettigrew read off the test results. Angela’s cholesterol and blood pressure results were shockingly FLAWLESS (as her t-shirt claimed last week), and every bit as beautiful as her show-stopping uterus, which was amazing news. Then the doctor revealed that Angela’s uterus is healthy and without any signs of cancer, causing sighs of relief and all of the monkeys to high five and chatter wildly with excitement (at least that’s how my closed captions described their reactions. And by my closed captions, I mean me).  

Anglea proclaimed “I’m a healthy bitch!” for all to hear. She was so excited, she almost dropped her cigarette! She needs to start a new fad diet on the internet (besides the “Boom bod”, that is).

She still, however, felt uneasy about the toting issue, as the doctor explained to Michael that although Angela’s vitals are somehow excellent, it would be very high risk for her to carry a baby. Michael is trying to think of what he would say to his mother if he can’t have his own child, seeing as how his mom may not give them her blessing for marriage. Angela can not understand why Michael would let his mother stand in the way, and just figures she can get her free Pizza Hut for life so she’ll forget about grandkids. (She hasn’t even tried the stuffed crust yet…..)

I, for one, am tote-ally relieved about Ang’s test results and look forward to seeing big Ang next week.

Tania & Cinnabon:

On the way to the airport, Tania & Syngi Lauper get into a fight blah blah blah…. She’s a crazy person and he drinks because she’s a crazy person, yadda yadda yadda…

Her foot is still broken and I can’t even talk about anything bleeeeech.

Ok fine. I’ll recap…

Tan-yuh and Cinnabon stayed at a hotel overnight in New York to be closer to JFK so they would make their flight to South Africa on time. We got to experience a sampling of the everyday bliss that Synergy endures while watching Tania sip coffee in her hotel room for a solid 10 minutes, making “ahhhh” sippy noises after each gulp. Syng painfully looked on as well, giving the camera a “see what I deal with” look. As if Tania’s general being isn’t annoying enough, she had to incorporate gross mouth noises.

On a positive note, all of their luggage matched. On every other note, she is the worst. 

They finally hobbled their way onto the airplane, with Symbolism giddy to be getting the hell out of Shed-town, CT and back to South Africa. He probably spent the entire 14 hour plane ride thinking of ways to ditch Tania once they touched down. He could always tell her “My Suger- I booked a safari. See those lions over there? Can you rub this special Carol Baskin blend of sardine oil all over you and get out so I can take a picture??”  and drive away. Or perhaps he could tell her that there’s a three day Witchdoctor Masters degree program with an actual witchdoctor of a really exclusive tribe, and like… dump her off somewhere. He has options.Don’t worry I’ll think of more…

Once they arrived, Cinnamon’s mom and sister were waiting at the airport to greet them. Synderella seemed so happy to be back in his element, maybe a little too happy for Tania’s liking. When they reached the place where they were staying, they ditched Tania and her bum foot so Syringe and his mom and sister could have a little alone time to discuss his current life in America. He explained that things have been a bit difficult (and by things, he meant Tania), especially with her injury. His mom and sister seemed to want to hear her side of the story, but believe the marriage was a bit rushed and worried it wasn’t the right fit for Cinnabon.

Next we saw Syn and Tania setting off in the car to see his brother who was recently released from the hospital after discovering he had a blood clot. The three of them sat on the couch, Tania with her boot brace, Synergy with his wrist brace, and his brother with a leg brace like they were all ready to tell war stories. Singerella was so happy to see his brother again and be able to spend time with him, and admits to now being a cryer (Living with Tania will do that to you). She already started in with her crazy eyes, and it looks like in the previews she starts to annoy her inlaws as well. Can’t wait! Except …that I can.

Elizabeth & Undrrrrei:

The dynamic duo were in the kitchen, having meat jello and discussing their upcoming pointless wedding. While eating breakfast, they talked about their household roles (yet again), with Libby expressing that she isn’t totally thrilled with Undrrrei being daddy daycare anymore being that he’s mostly hanging around playing video games all day.  Undrrrei claimed, “this is horseshit!!”…. (No Undrrrei, it’s chicken jello. Horseshit is for dessert!) Enough of him and his A.C. Slater Moldovan tank tops….

Next they went to the medieval meat palace restaurant for a “get to know each other” dinner with Undrrrrei’s brother, friends, and the two Chucks. Big Chuck and Little Chuck decide to randomly blurt out questions again that dig more into Undrrrei’s past, which they suddenly are for some reason interested in. They also became UpChucks at the idea of eating rose shaped meat swirls,, but hey- When in Moldova! Everyone at the table is keeping quiet about Undrrrrei’s paat, which is frustrating the double Chucks. Undrrrrei starts to get testy, dropping lots of F bombs all over the place, and almost ends up leading to a physical fight. Elizabeth seemed pretty deadpan and calm watching her husband and brother attempt to punch each other amongst the antlered decor. The Moldovan meat wine had been flowing all night, which may have been the real root of the problem, but it looks like more trouble for next week. 

Pol & Kreeknee:

Paul met up with his mother at the ferret display in the local pet shop to con her into buying some dog food. The coupon king himself was pondering over a BOGO sale on dog bones, while his mother took the opportunity to question him about his current employment status. She also got a few choice jabs in there, making Paul feel like an even bigger loser for not being able to easily find a job and provide for his family. That’s really all that happened with them this week, but that’s all that needed to happen, as Pol gave the internet a live show to remember. I’m not going too much into that, but all I’m going to say, is when you meet a man on the internet who wears transition lenses and is willing to fly to a remote part of the Amazon to meet you in his bullet proof vest, whatever you do, don’t marry him.

Kalani & Asuelu:

Before the big family trip to Washington, Kalani & Asuelu made a pit stop at “Sam-Wawa”,(the local Samoan quickie mart) to purchase gifts for Asuelu’s present-loving family . They wandered around the sparse aisles, browsing the fine selection of canned corned beef and makarol and sarong skirts. I generally like it when my family brings me canned makarol, but it’s not for everybody….

Kalani felt that even though nothing says “love” like a $48 can of corned beef, the couple really needed to watch their spending, as they are living as a family of 4 on the salary of the part time frozen yogurt salesman (which is also seasonal. It looked like it was cold there during this time, so business was probably at a halt). I found this little segment confusing…Perhaps the best question would be, why would you bring your family from Samoa t-shirts that say “Samoa” from Utah?? (which may also have been made in China?) His mother goes back and forth to Samoa, so couldn’t she theoretically import her own canned corned beef? In any case, they pick out a few Moldovan Samoan meat treats, racking up a steep bill that starts to make Kalani nervous. In addition to the Samoa store goodies, Asuelu also wants to fan his mother with $1000 cash, though Kalani questions where he will be coming up with that kind of money. Asuelu feels like God will just do a direct deposit in their bank account so he can give his mom the money she so politely requested. Sounds good!

The next day, the family of four packed and left for their big flight to Washington. Kalani said a prayer in the car before the trip (probably praying Asuelu didn’t hop on another bus…). Traveling any distance with young children can be extremely draining, and by the time they arrived, Kalani was ready to call it a night instead of heading to Asuelu’s family’s house with two screaming kids. Of course this royally pissed off Asuelu, who got that scary 1000 yard stare thing going on, though he spitefully went along with her plans. Can’t wait to spend some quality time with Mama Asuelu next week…