Happily Ever After, EP 7

Coltee, Jess & Debbie:
The three amigos are heading off to Jess’s family’s house to meet them and see where Jess comes from. Her father’s house is really nice, and has a beautiful backyard with a pool that hopefully we don’t have to watch Coltee swim in (I’m just seeing another bathing suit scene opportunity and trying to shut it down now). Jess’s family greeted Debbie and Colt warmly, with kisses and chicken heart kabobs. When they all sat down at the table, Jess decides to announce to her family that Colt was previously married to a Brazilian girl, getting the dinner off to a nice awkward start. Her father began grilling Coltee on the timeline of his marriage, divorce, and meeting Jess, while she did a shabby job of translating. Coltee openly expresses his feelings for Jess to her father, who was easily persuaded and gave the couple his blessing. Debbie is sitting there shocked, listening to the two discuss a potential wedding in Brazil with her family. She is practicing her “I object!” by bringing up the point that the two barely know each other and shouldn’t be rushing into things, which makes her question Jess’s motives. Jess feels like Debbie is just assuming she is just like Larissa, and is annoyed about how involved she is in her son’s life. She tried pleading her case to her family that Debbie is the male/female version of the show “Smothered”, but they don’t get that show in Brazil, so she just cursed Debbie out in 2 languages instead. It was at that time Coltee decided to call a cab-ee for Deb-ee and send her back to the hotel-ee alone-ee.
Coltee returns to the hotel the next morning looking very strategically disheveled, still wearing his clothes from the night before, knocking on Debbie’s door to check on her. He makes himself at home in her hotel room, eating her leftovers from her room service tray while sitting all sprawled out in a less than flattering position. Debbie expressed her concern with the way Jess treated her and Colt’s lack of concern, but he seems to be too pretend hungover from the night before to have a serious conversation.
Then it happened…..We knew it was coming, but I still feel like I was not prepared. Colt and Jess walked hand in hand to the beach, where Colt disrobed, horrifying an international audience. I wonder if he gets paid by the square foot of how much he shows…….
It seemed as if his belly button had camel toe, but also as if it was just elongated and dripping into his little underoos. His unbuttoned shirt was flowing in the breeze, with the sun shining giving golden hour lighting to his left boob…. I didn’t want to look, and yet, I couldn’t look away….

Jess had a crazy person laugh during her interview, claiming that just thinking about beach-going Coltee really gets her motor going, and makes me hope she gets the professional help she needs. They discussed their relationship as they jiggled down the shoreline, and made me feel better about my thighs. Jess feels that Colt is a “baby man”, which he does have the squishibility factor. He shot back saying she was a “daddy’s girl”, and I’m not even sure what else really happened. Just wow. I wish I had that type of confidence.

Angela & Mykul:
Angie and Michael are prepping for Mother Michael’s poorly timed visit, as the couple are still hot off of last week’s fight about the “ex-pats”. Michael is taking Angela to buy ingredients for dinner, though she refuses to be the personal chef for the evening. Of course this is a problem, as it is customary in Nigeria for the woman to do more of the cooking, but Angela is standing her ground. Instead of going to a regular grocery store, production had the fun idea to see Angela in an outdoor Nigerian food market. Angela stood out like a giant ray of golden yellow sunshine between her hair and yellow FLAWLESS t-shirt (which I bought her for her birthday, and I meant it). Angela proposes a quick fix to help feed their visitors; order a damn pizza, but Michael insisted on making a nice home cooked meal. When they veered from the produce section into the meat section, it started looking a little bit like Leatherface’s house, with random heads and limbs in buckets, on tables, and chopped up all over the place. Angela felt queasy from the sights and scents and took off running with Michael trailing behind. Once she reached the car, she blessed the USA, sipped her Diet Coke and threw up outside the car door in exactly that order (I think for her next birthday, I’m getting her a shirt that says ABSOLUTELY flawless). She explained to Michael how the goat head she saw in the marketplace would be haunting her nightmares, even stopping to do a quick spot-on impression of the goat’s final expression.
Back in a safe place, far away from the horrors of the market, Angela watches Michael fry up some plantains which will compliment her American-style pizza she ordered. Mama Michael and company arrived and were shocked to see Michael doing the cooking. They sat down at the table, annoyed that Michael was trying to cook dinner when there was a pizza option, as anyone would be. Mama tried her first bite on a fork, but then wanted to eat it just like Angela (I will give Angela credit for eating her pizza folded, the professional NY way). It seemed like they were having a great time, until Mother Michael had to bring up Angela toting an heir again. Do you think they can just move to the U.S. and skype with Mama with one of the “grids” and tell her it was their baby? (I mean if she believes the toting is possible, who knows what else she’d believe……)

Kalani & Asuelu:
The family of four is spending some time at the park, looking very comfortable in their pajamas, but uncomfortable in their relationship. Asuelu breaks the ice by apologizing to Kalani and asking her to be a bus driver… or something. I think what he meant was that he was sorry for what he said, and he will not “throw her under the bus”. Kalani agrees to a truce, and to accompany him to Washington state to visit his half sister, and his mother who is currently there for a visit. She’s hoping this trip will help cure his crappy attitude for a while.
Asuelu and Kalani jumped on a skype call with his mother and half sister Tammy, who looked like a professional wrestler. Mother Asuelu (who is basically Asuelu with glasses, a frizzy ponytail and a grumpy stop pout) was very enthusiastic during their chat, discussing how she is being lazy during her trip to America, just eating/sleeping/waiting to die,… sounds like some kind of existential crisis. She and the sister tried shaking down Asuelu for his froyo tip jar money, while Kalani glared next to him. You can already tell this trip is going to be fun!

Elizabeth & Undrrrei:
It’s the big day of Chuck and baby Chuck’s arrival to the land of Mold. The two Chucks landed at the airport after hours of traveling and having their luggage lost (hope they packed the Tums in the carry on). The car ride home was fun times, as Big Chuck and Little Big Chuck took turns rapid fire asking Undrrrei questions about his homeland and past life such as “Is the Moldovan National Anthem the Oscar Meyer Weiner song? Does Moldova have a professional volleyball team? Were you ever in trouble with the law?” They seemed to have hit on a weak point in his story, that he was previously a police officer/detective before leaving his country to move to Ireland and become a bouncer. When pressed about why he left Moldova and his career, Undreei was evasive and left it as “I got in some trouble”. He may just be leading them on a trail to nowhere to create more drama, or he may have been only working in the police department to do a character study as an actor for his lead role as the guy who runs a human trafficking ring for am upcoming Lifetime movie that he will be staring in. That’s what I’m leaning towards, anyway.
The family arrives at Undrrrei’s parents’ house and are immediately met with a giant feast of not only the usual deli platter, but various pickled items, lots of cabbage, and a creative festival of borscht. Chuckles was so thankful and could not believe Mother Undrrrei was able to make such a large smorgasbord in her tiny kitchen (little did he know, she just ordered it from “Moldova Eats”). They all enjoyed the salami wine fresh from Undrrei’s family’s vineyard, as Chuck openly asked the family questions about Undrrrei’s past. It’s pretty funny that Chuck decided to vet Undrei now that he and Elizabeth are already married for a few years and have a daughter, but hey- better late than never I suppose.
Family Undrrei agrees that his laziness is not standard amongst men in Moldova, throwing Undrrrrei under the bus (instead of getting him a job as a bus driver). The conversation turned a little bit tense when Libby agreed that she did want Undrrrrei to work, and she is reconsidering going through with marrying him again due to his crappy attitude since they arrived. I think my favorite part was when Undrrrei pulled out another gem from the Ash seminar and said “I don’t know if it’s hormones orif Libby is just being dumb”. That seminar was $12 well spent!
It looks like next week they get to relive this awkward conversation again, but in a very “Gaston”-esque restaurant in public this time, and with a propensity for violence,. Get the Moldovan pastrami-flavored popcorn ready!

Pol & Kreeknee:
Since Princess Kreeknee hated the trailer park idea, Pol somehow obtained a livable shed with an “open concept”, that at least for the moment, looked very clean. He went over to the tiny house to clean out the fridge and hoped it would be Karine approved. I have to give Kreeknee credit for putting on a little makeup and hiding her greasy roots with a headband for filming the car ride over to their new homestead. Paul’s dogs had a really nice kennel set up outside of the tiny house, which looked comparable in size (and will also double as a great place for him to run and hide in when the going gets tough). Luckily Karine approves of the place and only asks that Paul gets curtains for the windows. Being the clever little MacGyver that he is, Pol rigged up some sheets and a pillow as a temporary solution. Nothing too much more with these two for this episode, but it looks like next week we get to watch his mother talk smack about him again. Oh Paul….

Larissa:
Larissa called up Eric-ee to let him know about the eviction notice she received from Carmen. Eric (who is in Larissa’s phone as “Little Kitten”), suggests that Larissa comes to live with him and his super dorky roommate in their ramshackled bachelor pad. Eric’s roommate David looked like a modern day Gilligan and Seth Rogan had a baby. He and Larissa seemed to be getting along famously, as they both enjoy playing the same video games. (Hope she likes black light posters and lava lamps.. I already spotted the “frag-i-le” leg from “A Christmas Story” by way of Spencer’s gifts on the end table. Also, Larissa would pronounce it Fragil-ee and she would be right in this context).
Larissa meets up with her friend Hannah to let her know the update that she is now not only back together with Eric, but they are also living together. Hannah is not a fan and expresses all of her concerns, though she wishes her well. Of course 5 minutes later, there is already trouble in paradise, as Larissa went into Ericee’s phone and found that he had talked badly about her to another girl, Nathalie. Larissa, being the professional call center that she is, decided to ring Nathalie and find out what the real story is.
Nathalie explained that Eric told her all about Larissa’s personal details, saying horrible things about her, even though she barely knew him. She also said that Eric told her embarrassing details about their “intimate” life, and even compared notes with Coltee, when the two hung out during his breakup from Larissa. The revealing phone call was cut short when Ericee suddenly came back to the house, and she had to go without hearing more about how Eric-ee made fun of her cheesy-butt…
Larissa is of course upset and immediately wanting to have 100 more plastic surgeries so she can officially be a different person. It looks like next week will be the showdown between her and Eric-ee….Things are about to get much more stupider.  

A big shout out to production for skipping Tania this week and giving me the much needed break. You know how I love a Tania-free episode…