Happily Ever After, Episode 2

Colt & Jessicee

Back in Chicago, we see Colt returning to his hotel room with breakfast for his new girlfriend, Jess. After spending a romantic evening together, the morning seemed to bring awkwardness as Jess feels Colt doesn’t care about her, since he won’t disclose their relationship to Debbie. They resolve their issue temporarily to do some sight seeing around the city, all while Jess is wearing a very exposed bra that could have been better lent to Coltee.
Jess reveals to Colt that she likes him better than all of the many guys she has dated in the US so far, because of their mutual love for sexual relations, causing everyone to need a barf bag. Colt divulges more about his sordid past with Larissa, which should have been a blaring Vegas neon light caliber red flag, but no, she chooses to stand by her man (she’s got a Stay Puft marshmallow fetish apparently).
Jess wanted to show off her hunk of man meat so they met up with her girlfriends for cocktails. They asked Coltee a lot of random questions about their relationship as well as questions about his past with Larissa. Jess randomly blurts out that she really likes sex (awkward) before they move on to the topic of Coltee’s relationship with his friend “Vanessa”, which Jess feels is questionable and seems to make her a bit jealous-ee. 
The friends suggest that they all should go to a Brazillian dance night, which made me visualize Coltee on the dance floor without the support needed to keep his moobs in check. He tells the group that he would rather go back to the hotel, causing them to jump all over him, accusing him of being controlling and one of the friends quotes “Man’s can’t control girls” (you knew SOMEONE had to say some derivative of this phrase at least once this season). Jess decides to be a party pooper with Coltee and go back to the hotel, but probably made the decision based on their mutual interest. During the cab ride home, Coltee tries to turn the tables on Jess, saying he doesn’t know anything about her and hoping she doesn’t have a secret brood of children back in Brazil. This whole thing is really moving in a positive direction, you can just tell.

Paul & Karine:
Welcome back to the 90 Day Alumni couple Paul and Kariknee (and now baby Piere). We see the two packing up their disaster area of an apartment to move back to the U.S. so Pol can get a job and buy them more unicorn stuffed animals. We got to watch a montage of their love story, which probably caused Karine to fall into an even deeper depression seeing how young and hopeful she was before Paul, and how she looks now. 
Karine admits Pol can be a good husband “sometimes” and is a good father, though she would prefer if he went to the US first to get a job and she and Pierre can join him later (…..or she could just change her number). 
Karine and her mom talk about the family’s upcoming move to the U.S., and her mother expresses her fears about her daughter being so far away in another country with her often unstable husband. Mama Kreeknee is right to worry, as the previews for next week already show Pol having a tantrum.

Elizabeth & Unndrrrei:
As predicted, the theme of the season is “wedding in Maldova”. Undrrrei was assembling a table (quite the handy man) and discussing….. Getting married in Moldova. 
Next, Elizabeth and her sisters meet up for a drink poolside (well, not a drink for them, a drink for all 3 babies who were being breastfed simultaneously like they were in an unspoken breastfeeding competition). It was almost like in their nasal affected voices they were saying “Hey we’re having this really great party, and the theme is breastfeeding,  so be there or be square, losers. If you don’t have blonde hightlights and breastfeed in the pool, you can’t sit with us.” Then they mentioned something about going on a trip somewhere……. I think it was Moldova? Not sure…..
After whatever that was, we see Elizabeth go to her father Chuck’s house to shake him down for money, and I definitely heard the word “Moldova” tossed around a few times. After she pulled out the waterworks, Chuck obliged to pay for their wedding in Moldova (probably so they stopped saying the word “Moldova”). 

Larissa-ee:
We see Larissa and friend go to a pole dancing lesson in short shorts (so short that her long butt was hanging out of the bottom). Larissa feels she could really get into this type of cardio, since she doesn’t like going to the gym-ee. She discusses with her friend her desire to date again, saying her type is “tall, skinny, geeky, and smartee”. Her friend has a guy she wants to set Larissa up with on a blind date, to which Larissa replies “I don’teven care if he’s blind”. That was it. That was all that happened. They should have taken the very random Thanksgiving turkey from last week pole dancing, as it would have been more interesting. 

Angela & Michael:

Concerned about her random menstruation and the possible escape of her lone egg, Angela heads to the gynecologist to have an exam. The doctor seemed to be all-business, not really even entertaining any possibility of Angela’s totablity. She explained that they would need to do in vitro fertilization if she wanted to have a baby, but it would be much harder on her body at the age of 54. The doctor also expressed her concern that the “period” Angela thought she was having could be a sign of cancer, so she performed an ultrasound to check. Angela, with her wit and charm, compared the probe to the size of Michael’s probe, while the doctor did not even crack a smile.  With her dreams of becoming a Meemaw-Mama now crushed and the new terrifying possibility of having cancer, Angela went home to see her mother, who has been basically on hospice. They had a heart to heart about Angela’s upcoming trip to Nigeria and her “Coming to America” dream wedding. Angela’s mother gave her blessing to the hopeful bride to be, and we saw Angela get choked up, realizing the severity of her mother’s condition. Poor mama….

Kalani & Asuelu:
Asuelu is having a great time playing volleyball with the other Utahian Samoans, and discussing his marriage struggles as well as being homesick for his native island, Samoa. 
Asuelu must have listened to some of his father in law’s advice because he brought Kalani flowers for their big date night. The romantic evening took place at an ax throwing place, which was probably the best spot for a mom who’s been frustrated taking care of three kids. Asuelu gave a percentage of how happy he thought Kalani would be with this fun activity, because every man in 90 Day history talks in percentages (only poor Asuelu miscalculated his 40% and 70%).
He also confesses his homesickness to Kalani and brings up the idea of taking their family of 4 to Samoa for a visit. Kalani is apprehensive, as it’s expensive, and she doesn’t want to get stuck with taking care of the kids 24/7 while Asuelu is running around having fun with coconuts and making Tiktok videos. She also explained that she doesn’t always get along with Asuelu’s family, as they expect gifts  (there was mention of buying or not buying a cow….. Sounds like we might be in for another animal gift giving story, can’t wait).  

Tania & Cinnabon:

For some reason, Tania is back. Why. Whyyyyyyyy
The production team decided to start their segment off in the dumbest way, by having Syngi Lauper ice skating (clearly falling all over because he’s from South Africa and apparently they don’t ice skate…), and Tania joined him in a wheelchair, since she has a giant boot on her foot from a recent car accident. Well that was fun….. and pointless. They show clips from last season of “Soulmate gate 2019”, and life in the shed (if you are new to the show, I am sorry I’m not bringing you up to speed. I just don’t have it in me. You can see all THIRTEEN episodes I wrote about them on my blog. I just can’t with Tania…this is going to be rough).
It looks like the couple is moving out of Tania’s mother’s shed and into a rental house for awhile until Tania’s stupid foot heels. Her mother, the delicate flower that she is, seems concerned that Synergy can’t make “cash money” to support the newlyweds, since “none of ya’s are working”. (I’m fairly convinced Tania’s mother was an extra pn “Orange is the New Black”).
Next, the couple heads over to Tania’s sister’s house, which won an award for the most randomly decorated house in 90 Day history. Nothing matches, everything is random, looks like it was thrown in there blindly. I have no idea what anyone said. Something about Symbolism drinking too much, and Tania worrying? I’m going to have to drink too much to get through writing about them this season…