Before the 90 Days of Our Lives Tell Alls part 1 & 2

As the first bout of the Tell All unfolds, we see the cast get into gear from their own homes and in their own ways.Darcey discussed her need for glitz and glam in her fashionable turban, while David is promoting positive urinary health with his yearly supply of cranberry juice cocktail. 

Oozemon put up a festive backdrop in front of the poop bucket for the special occasion, and Ed shaved, possibly using mayo to lather. Everyone made small talk discussing the pandemic, and then rewatched clips from the season. I stopped counting how many times the Baby Girl National Anthem was played, but every once in a while Oozemon busted out with a random “Baby Lo-ooove” for posterity. 

The first couple in the hot seats were Avery and Ashtray. They are no longer together (shockingly), after the 12th time that Avery needed a break to navigate her feelings, and Ashtray was sick of the yo-yo breakups, actually. Ultimately, the red flag that did Avery in was not the horrible relationship coaching and not the text messages from other women, but because Ash had lied about following a diet she was on after agreeing to participate. It was so fortunate that there was a real doctor on call to discuss the situation, Dr. BabyGirl Lisa (She was very open with her opinions and expertise with the entire cast throughout, and I don’t even think she charged a copay). Shaun ended their segment by bringing up the fact that Avery claimed Ashtray was physically “the best she’d ever had”, possibly because she was curious, or possibly to help Ash potentially find another girlfriend one day in a post-seminar world. 

Ed and Rose were next up on the slate, along with a translator who speaks fluent “The Ring” so she could translate Rose’s frequent demonic possessions. Ed started by stating that he and Rose were no longer together and smugly went through their entire relationship, trying to make it seem like it was all in good fun. He and Rose fought about who contacted who after the break up, as they seemed to have been video chatting in the beginning of the year, with Ed pulling up screenshots of Rose making faces with what appeared to be a garden gnome filter. 

Ed then brought up that after they had talked, he found out Rose had been in a relationship with a woman since she had left Palawan. He claimed to be devastated, since he was willing to risk damaging the newly repaired relationship with his daughter Tiffany, who was on standby listening. (Tiffany must also be doing the mayo treatments, her hair was so shiny!)

Rose was enraged most of the time, throwing emotional fits periodically, claiming Ed is an embarrassing liar. She also claimed that Ed had propositioned her to make a “sex video chat” which he of course denied…whatever that entailed! While Ed was trying to explain away all of his faux pas in the relationship, cue Darcey, weighing in to remind Rose to stay #Silvastrong, Queen! Boss bitch! Strong woman! During this empowering moment, Darcey almost manages to bring up Jesse but somehow refrained from saying the J word, as she claimed to be standing up for people with big hearts everywhere. Avery took a turn joining in the fun, asking Ed if he has a hard time “relaying the truth” (I guess this is her hangup now?) , which Ed admitted he did. Poor Teddy had to sit through all of this silently, as he’s the only one who knows the truth…

Yolander’s portion was fun….. First things first, they had to spend 20 minutes explaining to her how she got inside of that little box. After that sunk in, she took a walk down memory lane, explaining how she and the Williams met and fell in love. She felt Williams was pleasant to talk to once he slid into her DMs. David popped in to give Yolander some advice about being more careful meeting people on social media because of scams (cue Alanis Morisette “Isn’t it Ironic? Don’t ya think?”). Yolander also informed Shawn that she was in a coma for a month back in December, where she may or may not have dreamed this entire thing, and had a bout of the ‘Rona. Glad she’s better! They brought on daughter Karra and the P.I., who both were totally over the entire situation as is everyone else in the world. The P.I.aka Captain Obvious explained all of the blatant red flags before getting totally bored and disappearing from his Hollywood Square. Resident scamming expert Dr. BabyGirl Lisa gave a quick run down on all of the tricks from the Yahoo Boys handbook, claiming she personally gets hit by approximately 300 per year (give or take if it’s a leap year). Yolanda could be heard saying random words like “Really?” “Wow!” “Oh!” But she was probably just remarking at her reflection on the zoom chat. The last fun bit of Yolander’s segment was when they tried calling the Williams to see if BGL could place his Nigerian accent, and what would you know- he didn’t answer. Next!

Erika and Stephanie appeared with Shawn discussing their troubled relationship and tough break up. They both seemed to feel like they had issues right away and probably should have ended things sooner once they realized they weren’t making the best paht-nahs. Erika claimed again that Stephanie portrayed herself differently online than in person, while Stephanie felt Erika was too busy with brightly colored fruit inspired outfits to take the time to get to know her. For some reason, they each were allowed to bring friends with them as backup. Erika’s friend Jess did her best to defend Erika’s trustworthiness, while Stephanie’s friend was a bit more aggressive, blaming her approach on her Italian heritage and binging Vino all day. Do you know who they should have brought? Koalas. Italian Koalas. With cute little mustaches and pizzas. Fuggetaboutit, mate!

Darcey’s Gandolf wig was on point, as she took the big square by storm in her flesh toned bedazzled dress and “Boss” hair clip. Tom, on the other hand, looked like he was filming from a  random British bed and breakfast, since he probably still lives at home with his mom, and his key to his attic apartment got lost in the mail. Shawn went over the couple’s non relationship this season, going over the fact that Tom’s birthday gift to Darcey was meeting a secret girlfriend he met in Milan (who ended up looking like Kate Plus 8, but that’s another story…). “Thomas” was who originally showed up, the British gentleman sitting among antique china plates with his legs crossed and his hair neatly in place. Once they discussed the fat shaming incident, “Tommy” appeared; hair disheveled and chain smoking in front of a no smoking sign, ripping off the “do not remove” labels from pillows, like the rebel he is. There was a whole side story that “Tommy” asked Avery if she wanted to get dinner, while also telling her he found her attractive, which he claimed was not propositioning her for a date. He then asked Ashtray if they were still together, who went back to now ex-girlfriend Avery, claiming to have screenshots of a flirtatious conversation between the two. Ashole later admitted he did not have a screenshot and was just lying (maybe his blood sugar was low?) and I’m still confused as to what the hell was going on. Is Tom even in the U.S. to have dinner with Avery? I thought he was fat shaming Canadians?!  He also admitted that Stephanie was hot and he went after her, though she probably left him on “read”. He was feeling extra frisky this season and apparently also invited BGL out for a good time, claiming she looked great too (Does he count as one of the 50 men back in the U.S. who want to get married??)  Darcey just looked disgusted the entire time, maintaining that she is a strong woman. Stacey and Florian should be the ones on the show, since they’re actually 90 day fiances, but that would cause Darcey’s head to explode, and it’ll take years to clean the synthetic hair smell and injectables out of the carpet. 

Finally it was time to discuss Bgl & Oozemon, their self proclaimed “fairytale” wedding and then their romantic honeymoon, where they blocked each other online. Shawn pointed out that there seemed to be trouble in paradise but team Lusman maintained that’s just how they express themselves. The conversation seemed to be going well until it took a left, when Oozemon started complaining about Lisa getting mad and having a short temper, and holding back other negative things she had said to him. Ed took this as his cue to jump in, causing he and Lisa to get in a middle school caliber fight calling each other a goat (no offense to Barney).They eventually move on to the topic of Lisa’s jealousy and monitoring of Oozemon’s love emojis he receives on social media, which caused Yolander to “lol” (I’m guessing she was thinking of that time Williams sent her a silly face emoji and how that was very enjoyable). Assman was also asked about his intention of bringing another wife into the mix, and the producers were already busy casting for “Seeking Sisterwife Sojaboy, season 1”. Avery had a lot of questions in particular about this subject matter, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she made a guest appearance on the spinoff. 

David called his MMMmmm bait to have her tune in to the Tell All, but as luck would have it, she was not logged into the paysite he still subscribes to(!!!!). He explained that he couldn’t simply call Lana on the Iphone he bought specifically for this purpose, because her nails are too long to type, which sounds reasonable. David first claims they are still engaged, but later says he hasn’t spoken to Lana in about 6 days, and isn’t sure about their current status. She of course is still on the websites, to which Tom asks “well can’t I just log in and start talking to her?” (It wasn’t hypothetical…. I think I saw him doing it on his phone while filming. That Tommy! Always causing trouble…). David explained his weird Ukrainian love voyages over the course of the last 20 years or so, which included being sent binders of women before the days of email. Big Egg added his thoughts that David is being scammed and just looking for a mail order bride, which sent David into a rage, though his hair miraculously stayed perfectly in place. Speaking of guys who want to marry their imaginary Ukrainian girlfriends, they brought Caesar into the mix. David actually confessed that he and Caesar’s lady of the Ukraine, Maria had a 20 minute conversation once, but she was too high maintenance for his liking. He prefers girls that are into hockey. Caesar should have come back with the truth about Lana’s “long nails” alibi, since nails are his professional area of expertise. Ultimately, David was a human Grumpy Cat (may he rest in peace) the entire time and he’s still in love with his laptop.

We have one more session of this season to go, and then the “B90 Strikes Back” show, which would be hilarious if they read anything from my recaps. Until next week!