Before the 90 Days of Our Lives, Episode 14

Prince Joffrey, Varya & there’s something about Mary:
Well, we’re back to the surprise visit with Varya, the femme fatale in a turtleneck, showing up on Joffrey’s doorstep and blowing our minds. Joffrey stood in his entryway with his arms crossed across his chest, nipple tats at full attention, watching his multiple leading ladies scream at each other. Mary feels like a fool, having jumped into a new relationship with Joffrey hot off the Varya situation, while Joffrey’s son Paxton is in the kitchen getting the jello pit ready for the catfight. Varya went into crazy Maury guest mode, screaming ridiculous things at Mary, who was still in complete shock at the surprise raging Russian’s appearance. Mary grabbed her flowers (presumably from the date night?) and took off, while Varya screamed obscenities at her, and Joffrey looked on from the doorstep. (Why do I have the sudden urge to show my inner “Fanilow” and sing “Oh Mary, well you came and you gave without taking… but I sent you away…”)
Eventually Joffrey lets Varya into the house, where they sit on the signature bachelor pad brown leather sofa to discuss the situation. Varya confessed that she still loves him and flew all the way across the ocean to be with his nippletats again, not knowing he was trying to move on (guess the “ghosting” tactic didn’t work…). Joffrey seemed to be confused, as he still has feelings for her, but what about Miss Mary Mack, all dressed in stripes? Paxton’s still in the kitchen on standby with the jello pit……..
Later that night, Varya changed into her sexy red eveningwear turtleneck (she packed one for every occasion) as she accompanied Joffrey to meet his friends for a night out in Knoxville. His friend group seemed just as weirded out by this ordeal as everyone else, as they are also friends with Mary and her little lamb. Joffrey and Varya explain what happened in Russia and the course of their relationshipl. She swears she didn’t say No to his proposal, but the frizzy-headed friend informed her that “You can’t spell ‘Not now’ without “No” (Obviously a spelling bee champion…. Actually 2 no’s in that, but that’s ok. I recommend John Frieda Frizz-ease, $7.94 at Target. BGL prefers Aussie scrunch spray.. either way man TCB). Varya is feeling pretty awkward, but explains she doesn’t think she needs to share her man, or her “spoose” with any other women, even friends. (Sidenote: Did you know Varya had a hit single back in Russia inspired by her relationship with Joffrey, based off of the Britney Spears’ song “Spoose, I did it again… I played with your heart… got lost in the game. Oh znippletatz..”)
If that wasn’t awkward enough, cue Mary quite contrary coming in hot, and let’s give another round of applause for the production crew for bringing the drama. Znippletatz.


Stephanie & Erika Not Shmerika:
Stephanie is packing up her luggage once again (they have shown her packing in every segment throughout the season, why stop now) with Erika long in the rearview, as she headed off to the airport in her snakeskin dress and cute pink blazer, aka the perfect comfy outfit for a 24 hour flight. She seemed upset about how the trip ended, and the range of emotions experienced throughout, but more so that she was going to have to hide all of that from her mother. Steph was greeted at the airport by her mom, her 2 adorable pups and her mom’s random friend. She described her trip as “exhausting” (an understatement), with the highlight being the koala petting that didn’t happen. The friend in the backseat, though silent, got to sit with Stephanie’s pug, who slightly resembles a koala. 

Darcey & Stacey:
The grown up overinflated Olsen twins are back together again, and start the episode by pondering which car they are going to trade in their Nissan Altima for; a Jaguar, Bentley or a Maserati. The car chat and their lips carry the theme of “bigger and better”, which seems to be the twin motto of the day. Somehow, they segway to the Tom situation, where Darcey (while wearing some Levar Burton “Star Trek”….very vintage, very Ho11) claims she will make better choices when it comes to love, and then takes a strange turn to discuss the twins’ late brother, Michael. Next thing we know they appear graveside with a bouquet of sunflowers in hand, weeping as they talk to their late brother, saying they like to visit him after tough times. (If this Tom incident was considered a tough time, I wonder how many visits Michael got during the Jesse relationship!?! Let the guy rest in peace!). The twins talked about what a great friend and brother Michael was, and how he also “Loved love” like they do.Turns out Darcey’s key mailing outfit also doubles as a cemetery visiting outfit. Are we categorically done and dusted yet?!  (Also, my sympathies….)


BGL & Assman:
In the almost honeymoon suite, BGL is angry, yet again, at Oozemon, this time because he has yet to propose to her and their wedding is tomorrow. Assman explains that he hasn’t had a chance to propose, since 99% of the time they are fighting, and the other 1% someone is using the poop bucket. They had a private conversation in the hotel hallway (definitely more private than in the confines of the hotel room), where BGL explained how much an in-person proposal meant to her, and how getting engaged the day before her wedding was going to make everyone think she’s “knocked up”. (I know that’s exactly what I was thinking……)
Being the hopeless romantic he is, he explained they need to be able to tolerate each other, before they hugged it out and returned to the Arizona suite.
With not much time left towards the wedding countdown and Usman’s family due any minute, the groom-to-be saw an opportunity, and took it. While Lisa was yelling at him about a hairbrush from the Kaduna High Quality Inn’s bathroom, he waited patiently outside the doorway on bended knee, presenting a ring symbolizing their eternal aggravation. BGL cried tears of joy, elated with the proposal and nestling Usman’s head against her possibly “knocked up” belly.
Family Usman arrived at the hotel lobby, ready for the festivities. Sojamom was itching to pray, so they headed upstairs, noting why this Kaduna High Quality Inn got such better reviews than the other hotels in the area (5 stars for most realistic sheep statues. Let’s hope SojaMom doesn’t try to take home the sheep statues to keep Barney company!).
Before Mommasojaboy could pray, she had to pray to the porcelain Gods, by way of an “Ablution”, which means cleaning yourself off in the toilet. (See? The show is educational, Ma! I swear!). Mother Sojaboy got to go first, by sticking her foot in the crapper and spraying it with a toilet hose. Next up was Baby Fiance girl Lisa’s turn, who we knew was a potty mouth, but now is officially also a potty foot. After family prayer time, the lovely couple and Assman’s elder brothers sat poolside to discuss the couple’s marital problems. Sojaboy feels Lisa tries to control him, while his brother’s tend to agree, and explained to Lisa that Assman can’t be with her 24/7. This did not sit well with BGL (one could speculate the raging pregnancy hormones could be making her overreact….) and she stormed off, leaving a cliffhanger if this shotgun wedding will take place.
Still holding on tight to my toaster receipt….

Avery & Ashtray, actually:
As the trip is winding down and Avery is getting ready to leave Australia, she and Ash discuss the future of making their relationship work, now that they remembered Ashtray couldn’t leave his young child and move to another country, actually. They seem to have a plan to see each other for a few months at a time, that is, once Ashphault gets his Australian passport (he still has one from Mauritius, and you know what they say- Mauritius, Mo’ problems). They loaded up the Audi convertible for the last time as they set off for the “Melbin” airport. They had one final once over about their relationship and the next steps they needed to take in order to see each other again, though I have a feeling they will be koala-ing it off, actually.


Big Egg & no more Rosemary’s Baby:
Ed returns back to the states with his middle school girl ponytail, and is greeted by his adorable tiny mom and teeny weeny Teddy.They’re basically a family of Polly Pockets. Teddy’s barks of joy could be heard throughout the baggage claim of the San Diego airport, as Ed greeted them both. He tearfully told his mother about the trip, and his current “single” relationship status. Ed explained the reason for the end of the relationship was because Rose wanted two kids, and because she didn’t trust him, conveniently breezing over the slew of insulting comments and gestures. Talking about his ordeal with his mom made Ed realize that he never gave Rose that No!No! Hair Removal system for her bikini area that he purchased on QVC……. He’ll have to visit those nice people at FedEx from the first episode in the morning. 


David & “I’m still Lana from the (Eastern) Bloc”:
I, for one, am thankful that David and Lana have moved past the stairs (three times watching it is really my limit). This week, David learned the magic of the translator app, which allowed us all to learn so many new fun facts (and some not so fun facts) about Lana… 
For starters, Lana UNDERSTANDS ENGLISH! She also likes to receive gifts and money from David but doesn’t like to talk about it. David is going buckwild taking selfies with his unicorn Lana,(if you don’t take a picture, it didn’t happen!), and is already updating his facebook relationship status to “MMMMMmmmm”. 
Their first date seemed to have all of the makings of a true love connection until David had to talk about his Lana-pilgrimage, and she thought it was absolutely insane. Once he mentioned the part about the P.I. he had hired to track her down, Lana called it a night, leaving David all alone in his trenchcoat to sell some more bootleg watches. Back in his hotel room with his other girlfriend, Dell Inspiron, David used his suave emoji skills to communicate with Lana on the freaking dating app still, and smooth things over for a fun second date of bowling, which he says makes him feel “Jazzed”. 
The couple met up again in the square, this time with David in a rust colored collared shirt and Lana looking like a sporty spice in her flesh toned pink sweat suit. They headed to the Ukrainian Bowl-O-Rama where David bet Lana a kiss for every strike. Being a former professional bowler, he guided her hips to help improve her “form” (cringe-fest3000), and worked hard trying to score in every sense of the word. There was an entire montage of David bowling to some Jerry Lee Lewis type of goofy doo-wop, as the most bizarre Ukrainian version of the Happy Days. It was like watching your creepy uncle date a scam artist from the Ukraine. Lana laughed at David from the sidelines, until he actually got a strike, and it was time to pucker up, which she seemed outwardly repulsed by.
After bowling, they set out sightseeing on the way to dinner, and David was abusing his selfie stick in the name of taking pictures for their K1-Visa application (there are few things sexier than a man with a selfie stick…). The two then head out for a romantic dinner (Lana still in her athleisure wear), where we learned a not so fun fact about Lana- she eats bunnies. She ordered an interesting gastronomical combination of rabbit pasta and grapefruit juice, which seemed to even weird out David, but surely not a dealbreaker. Shortly after finding out his dream girl ate Thumper, he asked her to come back to his hotel room. Sure enough, Lana turned him down, as she claimed to need more time (maybe 8 years of online Mmmmm-ing and 5 dates sounds more reasonable). I think David needs a website like “Weird Science”, where he can just build a new Lana and program her with more enjoyable features…. Like being impressed by his bowling skills, occasion appropriate outfits, freely giving her boyfriend her phone number, and does not eat bunnies…. I’m actually now questioning if she’d eat Morthra for dessert. Please translate and don’t tell me the answer if it’s “yes”. 


Noticeably missing was Yolander, who was busy staring at a bottle of orange juice because it said “concentrate”. Or maybe rearranging her earrings in size order…. Either way….