Before the 90 Days of Our Lives, Episide 13

Avery & Ashtray:
Back at the hotel, Avery and a topless Ash seem to have made up, and are back in the same hotel room, as they discuss Avery’s meeting with Sian. They seem to come up with a plan for their relationship, realizing that a K1-Visa may not be doable with Taj in the mix (though I have a feeling it will be “K1 or K-done”. God I miss Angela……) They picked up Taj for the day to spend some quality time together throwing rocks at some ducks in a pond. It seemed like everyone had a good time (but they would’ve had a better time holding baby koalas, just saying). As the trip is winding down, Avery reflects on the ups and downs and questions if she will be able to move forward with someone who ends every sentence with “actually”. I’m not sure if they will make it actually. 

Prince Joffrey & Varya, who?!:
With his sad pound puppy face, Prince Joffrey flies home from mother Russia all alone without a 90 day Fiance. Varya has been texting him while he was in flight, changing her mind about the proposal and explaining that she still loved him, though he’s already over it….Like, 100% categorically done and dusted, over it. His two sons were there to greet him at the airport, where they scored some cool Putin gear, instead of a “my dad went to Russia to get me another new stepmom and all I got was this lousy t-shirt”. On the ride home in the yellow car, Joffrey told his kids about the trip and all of its ups and downs. He’s not a regular dad, he’s a cool dad.
Now that Joffrey is back and totally forgot about that weird dream he had where he was in Siberia, naked, with some girl in a felt hat hitting him with tree branches, he’s ready to move forward and take another chance at love. We next see Joffrey putting on his best date outfit, which looked like he was going to audit someone but then also tell them about the book of Mormon. He met up with his dinner date, who was none other than his friend Mary (that was convenient) who was awkwardly dressed herself, wearing a long frumpy striped number covered up by a fuzzy animal pelt. The date seemed to go well, as we watched them kiss in the parking lot after agreeing that they were going to give a romantic relationship a try.  In the next scene we see Joffrey having father/sons four wheeler time. He tells his sons about his love triangle, explaining that he and Mary are doing great and Varya is just a faint memory at this point…….that is until we see her roll up to the Knoxville airport!
(Ok, I’ll admit, I was so preoccupied with Lana being real that I did NOT see this one coming! But production, my hats off to you. This Varya surprise visit was the fun factor we were all missing!!) Varya heads to her hotel, staying in a “positive mindset” that she will spring up on Joffrey and win him back. She stopped by Kohls to pick out the sexiest outfit possible…..a green turtleneck with a necklace over it, and a mismatched green leather skirt, tights and clunky shoes. Her friendly Uber driver/hype woman dropped her off in front of Joffrey’s house, where she braved the two giant dogs, who had no idea what she was saying in Russian, but luckily didn’t bite a hole in her come-hither outfit. Varya rang the doorbell, jumping up and down with anticipation, as Joffrey slowly opened the door. The look of shock was absolutely priceless as he greeted Varya, who was screaming with excitement, while Mary turned the corner asking “what’s going on??!” Mary, that’s a great question. I have no idea what’s going on anymore…. But I do know the previews showed the two women screaming “Maury”-style next week. Can’t wait!

Stephanie & Erika not Shmerica:
Erika drove 3 ½ hours in a pink leopard romper, getting the wedgie of a lifetime, just to have lunch with Steph and talk about how they’re not together. Steph feels like she can’t go home and talk about the situation to anyone, and Erika feels like she put the relationship out there and will now have to explain all of the weirdness to absolutely everyone. Seems like Erika’s suffering is worse, mostly because of the new wedgie on the 3 ½ hour drive home. You know what would’ve looked good with that outfit? Koala earrings.
Erika returned to Adelaide and told her mom about the Stephanie saga. Erika’s mum was very supportive and sweet, and reassured her that coming out was not a mistake, even if Steph wasn’t the best patnah. 
I heard koalas have opposable thumbs, which allow them to help pick wedgies…..

Tom & Darcey:
Tom is still on his North American tour, almost done torturing Darcey and about ready to move on to his girl in Canada. He met up with his friend “Hammy” (who’s last name is hopefully Sandvech, and hopefully he’s married to someone named Chaz. And maybe I can write them a letter to “Mr. Hammy and Chaz Sandvech”). Ok that diversion was more interesting than anything that actually happened….. Hammy basically told Tom to stop playing games and move on. We later see Tom packing his DKNY luggage from Marshall’s to presumably torment another ex girlfriend in another city near you. He tried once again to speak to the camera and seem sincere about wishing Darcey “all the best”, but killed the mood when he walked away, displaying a sequined skull on the back of his mens shirt…..aka the international sign of douchebaggery. 
Meanwhile back in Connecticut, after installing the Ring doorbell to make sure all visitors aren’t Tom, Darcey is having a girls night with her 2 daughters and her twins (who are popping out of her tank top). They each applied different face masks, with Darcey’s mask being the most Silence of the Lambs of them all. She openly discusses her failed past relationships with her teenagers and then they all said “Girl power!” And went to bed. Oh and Darcey did reference that she looked like “cat lady”. She said it, not me…..(.I said Donatella Versace, especially with the new wig in the Quarantine episode).

BGL & Assman:
Back in Abuja, presumably in the Arizona suite, BGL is on the phone trying to get a copy of her divorce papers, and complaining about the person on the phone’s demeanor (who doesn’t love a little irony!). Turns out, they can email BGL a copy of her papers to 1nOnlyBGL@yahooboys.com, bringing them one step closer to being Mr & Mrs Sojapeople.
About two hours later though, things take a bit of a turn. While sitting down at a restaurant to eat another plate of Nigerian french fries, BGL explains that she was trying to connect her phone to wifi by going through Assmans messenger (I guess it’s different in Africa?) when she stumbled upon messages from a woman who she claims has been on her radar for months. The woman was telling Assman she loves him and vice versa. BGL shows Assman the receipts, as he fidgets, and scrambles to come up with an explanation. He basically told her it was Nigerian culture to tell women you love them, and call them “love”, but it doesn’t mean anything unless you say “baby love”. BGL and her 2″ of grey roots reminded him that she wasn’t born yesterday, and that she’s the original “player”. At this point Assman claims he is doing her a favor by marrying her, causing Babygirl to hit him with the newsflash that he is only “local talent”, and there was something about a small boat he’s got… or goat he’s got…. not sure, I just hope she was insulting his manhood and not threatening Barney. It was really intense, and ended with Lisa storming off. They had better makeup, I bought them a toaster…. 
Luckily Sojaboy ends up apologizing to his babylove, taking a lot of heat from BGL which required a lot of “bleeping” to be edited in post, as he talked in circles, confusing everyone. They seem to have made up for now, but I’m not throwing out my toaster receipt just yet.

Big Egg & Rosemary’s Baby:
We check back in with Ed, who is like a pink sour patch kid sitting by the pool, mulling over his break up with Rose, and decides to head back to the hotel room to see if he could interest her in a pair of tweezers for her slight unibrow….. But much to his surprise, Rose was gone along with all of her accessories. He cries, pining for his “Queen”, probably sad to realize she would rather deal with diseased rats in her shoes than deal with him. We see Ed set off on the plane ride home, looking over his photos from his trip, wondering where it all went wrong….. Zooming in on the pool pictures, thinking of how he could have given her some Crest whitestrips……

David & Surprise Lana:
David’s segment opened with the fateful meeting with Lana on the steps, again. He whispered sweet “Mmmm”s of joy in her ear, as they embraced in the frigid Ukrainian air. Lana admitted that David was attractive, better than most of the guys… oops, she meant, better than she expected, though she, like everyone else that isn’t obsessed with “The Matrix, wasn’t into his weird trench coat. While David stared and smiled, we got to know a little more about surprise mystery woman Lana.

We saw her traipsing about the streets of “Keev” looking like a snack,wrapped in tinfoil. She loves makeup and can’t wait to try all of the best Wet N Wild has to offer, once stateside. She enjoys long walks to the makeup store in silver puffy jackets,fitness, and American men that say “mmmmmm”. She insists that she told David the truth each time she cancelled on meeting up with him, but is finally ready to see if they will have a spark in person so she can come to Sephora. She likes frothy drinks, using the internet, and receiving erotic lotion from Victoria’s Secret from men in trench coats…. (Well at least we hope so). I for one am excited to continue learning more about Lana, and see her grow to become the stepmother Mothra needs and deserves. 

Yolander, party of one? Yolander?:
Some time has passed since Yolander got the google image results back from the scientists at the lab, revealing Williams’ true identity as a stock photo. She seemed determined to figure out who this mystery person she fell in love with really is, and is still planning to fly to “England” on a David-esque quest to find him. Process of elimination tells us that he is not Tom, because Tom’s in Canada fat-shaming strangers. It’s probably also not Prince William, though I’m not ruling that out entirely. The only thing that sets this episode of “Yolander party of one” apart is the smaller earrings and seductive background music. We are living in unprecedented times…..in a world where Lana is real and Varya comes to Knoxville. Anything could happen!