Before the 90 Days of Our Lives, Episode 12

Prince Joffrey & Varya:
We return to Prince Joffrey on bended knee in the woods, anticipating Varya’s answer to his marriage proposal. Varya doesn’t give a straight up Simon Cowell “It’s a No from me”, but instead let’s him down gently, with more of a Paula “It’s a No for now” kind of answer. She explains that things are moving too fast, and she’s still trying to process his criminal past and decide if she wants to spend the rest of her days gazing into the depths of the nipple tats (all while a bee is buzzing right near her head and I just wanted to run screaming for her for more reasons than one). She feels like they should take more time to figure things out, though Prince Joffrey is more of the “its now or never, our love won’t wait” mindset. More than anything, it appears that Joffrey’s ego has taken a beating, and even though at first he was skeptical that Varya was rushing into their relationship for a green card, now he seems distraught that she wants to wait. Confusing, to say the least. Joffrey gave Varya the cold shoulder for the remainder of the trip, figuring it was a done deal now and was probably reactivating his tinder (or at least sending his friend back home a sexy emoji or two). Once they reached the airport, he basically fist bumped Varya goodbye as he thanked her “for the adventure” coldly,  and went through airport security with an emotionless serial killer face, saying he was going to put the whole thing behind him. Varya seemed genuinely sad, as she walked away confused and crying after Joffrey’s departure. In the preview for next week it looks like Joffrey didn’t waste any time, as he was seen bringing flowers to meet someone at a restaurant. Znippletatz.


Avery & Ashtray:
We are still watching the same fight for three episodes now, but this time Ashtray moved to the couch- riveting. I was wondering if the multi-episode fight would end before his painted on jeans completely cut off the circulation in his legs, and luckily for him it did. He and Avery seemed to have called a temporary truce as they had plans to meet up with Ashole’s ex wife and son before Avery’s trip ended. The car ride for the EXpedition was approximately two hours, which gave them plenty of time to fight on the way, and for Avery to announce that she would like her own hotel room for the night to collect her thoughts and hang out in her nothing box. Ashtray seemed very upset (probably because he’s going to have a hard time paying for a second hotel room after refunding everyone’s $12 for the seminar), but he begrudgingly respected Avery’s wishes. 
The next morning they arrive for the big meet up with Sian, Taj, and the family dog. Though it did seem like an awkward gathering, everyone seemed to be getting along. Avery wanted to see how Ash was as a father, and was hopefully impressed when Ash told his son he would put his joke up on his Instagram stories (he should actually just let Taj write his seminar material too while he’s at it). Avery wanted to take Sian out alone to openly discuss Ashtray’s character, the idea of intercontinental coparenting, and probably a little smack talk about the seminar. Sian kept it classy, only saying nice things about her ex, but was also honest with her feelings about not wanting her young son to move or to be without his dad. Avery learned that their divorce was only a year prior, not 10 years ago as Ashole made it seem. It doesn’t look promising for these two, they should just koala-it quits already…… Eh? Eh? 


Big Egg & Rosemary’s Baby:
We return to Rose’s famous scowl, as she tells Ed “I think you no love me”, and the studio audience goes “ooooooooh”. Rose continues to read Ed his termination notice, as he sits there like a hot pink balloon animal, in complete shock. Big Ed must have forgotten about the hairy leg comment, hating her house comments, saying that her dad lived in a pigsty… (oh wait), lying that he didn’t want to have kids, the breath comments, and he was probably planning a big finale by bringing out a bottle of Summer’s Eve right before she had to ruin everything. Rose calmly and maturely laid out her case to a very flustered and speechless Ed, that he does not truly love her, as his actions have been rude and hurtful. Ed confessed that he had planned on proposing to Rose when they returned to Manila, (probably planning something along the line of “My Queen, I would like to ask for your hand in marriage, after you wax your mustache”) but Rose had finally hit her limit. Big Egg was scrambled as he ran off, and we watched as Rose headed back to the hotel room to gather her things and reschedule her flight back to the ratcave. 


Stephanie & Erika not Shmerika:
Having had such a great experience taking their “special friend” status to the next level with Erika’s parents, the girls decide to try recreating the magic with Steph’s mom via Satellite. Stephanie introduced Erika in all of her avocado themed glory, and it seemed to be going well until it came to the part about being bi-sexual. She ducked the confession by bringing up the fact that she went cage diving with sharks, which seemed to disturb her mother, and rightfully so. She should have blurted out three big things at the same time to confuse her mom, so she couldn’t concentrate on any one thing, like “MOM! I have to confess something… I went diving with sharks, I’m bi-sexual, and I didn’t pet a koala!”.( If I was her mother, you know which one would upset me the most….)
The girls woke up the next morning reflecting on their trip, and how far they had come in such a short amount of time. They discussed coming out to Erika’s parents as a highlight, though Erika felt slighted that Stephanie couldn’t be as open with her mother, who she is extremely close with. Erika confessed that the reason this is such a hot button issue is that she was in a long term on again off again relationship with a girl who also couldn’t come out, and felt like she was being hidden away (hard to miss all of the colors though). Stephanie of course flipped out over this newly discovered information, claiming that Erika wasn’t honest. She threw on her angry kimono, smashed something, and ran outside, leaving Erika but a melting rainbow in their hotel bed. If whatever she broke belonged to the hotel, she’s probably going to get a big Chahge (Australian for “charge”) on her credit “cahd”. Stephanie returned to the room to announce she was in a manic state, broke up with Erika, and sent her packing in her hot pants. The preview for next week showed the two talking again, so all may not be over in the land of Oz just yet…but it probably should be. Prognoses negative.


David, his laptop, and a surprise Lana:
David has been back on U.S. soil just long enough to hi-five Mothra before turning around to rack up those frequent flyer miles as he heads back to the Ukraine for Operation Lana, take 5. He arrived at his home away from home, Kiev, where he checked into his hotel, and we watched him- like most people do, tell the woman working at the front desk all of the details of his pretend relationship. Even the desk clerk seemed to feel Lana was scamming him, as she issued his key so he could be alone with his laptop. Once settled in his room, David checked his messages to see if Lana had sent him any recent love letters or Dear David letters. Sure enough, she had let him know this time that she would not in fact be meeting him over the weekend as planned, but on Monday instead, as her nephew had a soccer game (I mean, if they had gatorade and orange slices, who could blame her!?). David finally seemed bothered by being the absolute lowest priority on the Lana totem pole, but was still determined as ever to meet her. He hired a translator for the day named Bogdana (funny, cause she didn’t look like a Bogdana to me), and they headed to a restaurant to meet up with the bad news private investigator he had hired and yelled at over the phone in Vegas. (Just a side thought, with all of the money he has spent on dating Ukranian women over the course of many years, you would think he could have invested in Rosetta Stone. I mean Bogdana does not look cheap, and then he could just go on Ukrainian Craigslist and get scammed for free.)
They met the P.I.,Sergey, who looked as dynamic and upbeat as could be. He tells David that there is no way to officially track where Lana is living, that she probably has 8 other men on the hook, and that he didn’t understand how she could not prioritize meeting him. David was so annoyed, as he wanted straight reporting, not an opinion piece, and fired Sergey on the spot. He seemed to have ditched Bogdana too, as he set out to prove all of the naysayers wrong. 
David fluffed himself up, sprayed his finest Aqua Velva, and ironed his baby-barf colored shirt to pair with his signature black leather trench coat for the big meet. He brought her gifts of chocolate, “special lotions” (barf bucket), and an engagement ring. David looked like a fancy flasher/ bootleg Rolex salesman as he strutted his stuff down to Independence Square in Kiev, under the monument, where they filmed the classic RomCom “Sleepless in Kiev”, starring Meglana Ryan & Tomchuchka Hanks. The pressure was building as David searched the faces in the crowd to see if one of them could possibly be his mystery woman. Then suddenly, jaws dropped everywhere as the emoji queen herself emerged greeting David with a big hug (well played, TLC, well played). David proved all of the Negative Nancys wrong (take that, Sergey!). Okay, she exists, but does she genuinely want to be Mothra’s new Mommy in the RV? Can’t wait to see how this one plays out next week. 

Noticably missing tonight were BGL & Assman, who were probably off fighting near a poop bucket somewhere. Their previews for next week look great.

Also not seen was Darcey, who was probably out buying pepper spray incase Tom does another driveby. 

And lastly missing from this episode was Yolanda, who was probably lost in her own closet or something.