Before the 90 Days of Our Lives, Episode 8

Prince Joffrey & Varya:
With the fun Russian music playing, we open on Nipple tats in all of their glory, as Prince Joffrey is standing topless with all of the confusing confidence in the world. Varya’s mother is sad to see them go off for a few days to take a sidetrip.
Seeing all the sights and buildings surrounding Varyas home town reminded Joffrey that he needed to tell her about his time in prison. He admitted that he used to sell drugs years back and spent some time on Love after Lockup. Varya tells him a sad story about a cousin who passed due to a drug overdose and how she never would have picked him from the mail order catalogue if she knew he was a former drug dealer. Prince Joffrey tries hard to reassure her that he’s a changed man, but she feels like she needs to process this news alone. Znippletatz.

Darcy & Tom:
Tom is putzing around the city feeling bad he called Darcey fat on t.v. and now everyone hates him. He called his sister to discuss the event and conveniently left out the nasty comments he made. Sister Emma tells Tom that Darcey isn’t right for him, while Tom confesses he would like to see her again to smooth everything over. Really?!
Then we see Darcey, crying in her hotel room (ok, at least she held out for one episode) talking about how her agent 007 turned out to be Jesse 2.0. She feels hurt, used, and duped but is still searching for love….in all the wrong place. Searching for love, with brand new faces…..

BGL & Assman:
The dust has settled from their big fight last week and BGL & Assman have decided to move forward with meeting his family. What trip to meet a potential mother in law would be complete without a stop at the goat market?! Assman and BGL head over to
“Goats R Us” to bring Usman’s mother a little something special. (I would’ve maybe brought dessert, not the main course). The goat market was extremely muddy and I’m sure BGL was regretting her choice of footwear, being that she was wearing her Puma slip on sandals (that shower bucket will be working overtime later!). The friendly goat salesman showed the happy couple a fine selection of merchandise to choose from. Babygirl tried to be a thoughtful daughter-in-law-to-be and wanted to make sure she chose a goat with enough meat, deciding on one that resembled a black & white cookie, who she named Barney. The goatsman had priced Barney at $115 USD, which made BGL question if she was getting the tourist price. Assman assured her this was a solid deal, as he couldn’t wait to get out of the mud, and they loaded Barney into the back of a beat up station wagon as they headed back to the hotel.
Another awesome feature at the Sokoto Motor Murder Motel is they have goat parking, which is super convenient. I read a few of their yelp reviews, and my favorite was: “Overall a great place to stay. Poop bucket bucket really did it’s job, box spring was very comfortable, continental breakfast of spaghetti and fish was what dreams are made of, and plenty of super convenient goat parking. Two thumbs up for Sokoto Motor Murder Lodge”. They hitched Barney in the yard and checked the sign to make sure it wasn’t alternate side Wednesday or standing zone only, before heading inside to get ready.
In preparation to go to the Sojamom ball BGL’s fairy godmother brought her a beautiful blue gown to wear with a matching hair scarf. (She asked if it came in mullet length, but no such luck). Sojaboy explained to his Babygirl that she should go baby-faced and not wear any makeup, as this would not impress his mother. She’s more of a goat-girl than a cover girl. Assman helped tie up BGLs hair into a wrap, which truthfully looked really good on her. They loaded Barney into the car and set out for the big meet. Assman expressed his fears about this meeting, as he had previously told his mother about BGL, and she had stopped speaking to him for three months. They roll up to Sojamom’s place and are greeted awkwardly by a few of his family members. They all gathered together on a mat and Usman introduced his Babylove. His mother thanked Lisa for the goat, but mentioned that Angela brought her mother in law a microwave……in her bra.
Then the family played a game of “telephone”, where they asked questions that were translated with a fun twist. Sister Sojaboy asked how America was, which ended up being translated to “what do you do for work?”. Lisa answered that she is a hospice worker, which was then translated to “She is a doctor in the United States “. Then Assman cut the small talk, by telling his family the purpose of Lisa’s visit; “This white lady wants to marry me and take me to America”. Sojamom was not feeling it, nor was his sister. They both gave a Simon Cowell-esque “It’s a no from me”, and left. Sojaboy took that as their cue to leave (hopefully BGL didn’t throw away the receipt for Barney). She yelled at Assman as they got back into the car “You had 2 years to practice this!”.
I’ll say a prayer for you, Dr. Babygirl Lisa.

Stephanie & Erika not Shmerika:
The girls are still trying to get over their fight from the restaurant as they’re starting the long car ride to Port Augusta with nothing but time to talk. Erika tried bringing up some of the control issues and things that were bothering her, but Steph wasn’t feeling it. They arrived at their hotel, still feeling awkward since there has been so much tension between them. They get dressed and head out to have drinks with Erika’s friend Clair, who’s hair is exceptionally voluminous on one side only. They discussed their activities thus far since Stephanie’s arrival, and Clair seemed to be picking up that there was trouble in brightly colored paradise. Clair let the fact that Erika and a few of her friends have hooked up with each other slip, so throw another problem on the barbie, mate! After their hangout, Erika and Steph sat down and tried discussing their problems, and the fact that Stephanie seems miserable. Erika wants a more hands on experience with her long distance lady, while Stephanie says she needs more time. Erika reveals she is feeling alone, unwanted, and confused…….probably how koalas feel, when no one is petting them. Just go pet them. It’s so much better than fighting with each other.
(Sidenote: I’m giving Erika the style award, as I loved her earrings and fruit cocktail dress. She’s a lot of fun).

Big Egg & Rosemary’s Baby:
We open this week post family dinner and Ed is getting ready for his slumber party with Rose at her place. Ed seemed to be struggling a bit with adapting to Rose’s every day life; the lack of air conditioning, leaky roof, soggy roll out floor mattress, and the moldy Care Bear collection on the wall were all a bit much for him. Rose’s father announced he would be staying over to keep an eye on Ed, which wasn’t hard to do since his orange polo shirt stood out even with the intermittent power outages (why was he sleeping in his polo shirt? Especially one that was soaked in sweat all day!). He braved a soggy mattress with 1000 thread count hello kitty sheets, a mosquito bite, and being super swampy all in the name of love. The next morning Princess Egg claims to have barely gotten any sleep, as the monsoon outside flooded Rose’s bedroom and he was basically Robin Williams in Jumanji. Ed calls a truce and confesses he wants to go to a hotel, but would like to clear it up with Pa first out of respect.
Rose suggests it’s bath time variety hour at the water barrel- fun for the whole family! We see Big Ed and Pa pouring cold water over themselves as they share a bar of soap. Rose kicks it up a notch by screaming to an anonymous source to turn the water on as she squirts them both down with the hose like a zookeeper. Ed’s hair looked crazy and his face was so shiny, so fresh and so clean clean. While most kids get a rubber duckie in the bathtub, at Rose’s house you get a real live chicken and a sickly rat. What the hell was up with that rat?!??! (or “mouse??” If asking Rose). I think Ed was most horrified stumbling upon Fivel’s cousin with AIDS hanging out by the flip flops. That poor rat was having a rough time… and yet he seemed to fear nothing….
Now that everyone, including Ratatouille, is squeaky clean, they decide to take a trip out to Pa’s pig farm via public jeep. Ed tries desperately to make small talk with Rose’s father “Soo, do you like the Philippines? Do you like wet rats? Is this the jungle? Are there fun and games? Do you like pigs?” But gets short answers and long stares.
They arrived at the piggy farm and were immediately greeted by 3 cute. happy little dogs. Rose and her father wanted to see Big Egg and bacon together on the farm, so they suited up his sneakers with plastic baggies and escorted him into the sty. Egg was slipping and sliding in the muck, scared that he might fall in. Again, the footwear choices were off. Rose was wearing flip flops, and is going to need to be sterilized before getting another sensual foot massage. Ed was rocking the sneakers, and only Pa had the appropriate boots for the occasion.
After Ed flung some feed at the pigs, he asked Rose’s Pa if he could take Rose on vacation for a few days. Big Egg seemed horrified at Rose’s father’s modest living conditions (a stall made from pallets), though Rose explained that he enjoys living there and it’s his true passion. Big Egg looked a bit fried and desperately needed to go back in the refrigerator.


David & his laptop:
After an erotic journey from Milan to Minsk, we saw David change his flat tire on the war torn Ukrainian roadside that Anya had warned about. Yet LanaQuest2020 continued onward (possibly via Unicycle, if need be). He wandered the streets of Lana’s home town aimlessly searching for anyone that might be texting sexy emojis and stumbled upon a candy shop Lana had mentioned in one of her emails. David stopped in to see if she was there, using his trusty translator app (which ironically emits a sexy woman’s voice) to ask the clerk if she knew of Lana. (I think David misunderstood Lana talking about the candy store, she just said she liked “sugar-daddies”). If they ever make a sequel of the movie “Her”, no need to contact Joaquin Phoenix, it can just be a biopic of David.
After striking out staring at strangers all day, David went back to the hotel with his girlfriend, Dell Inspiron, to obsessively check for a Lana-gram. Low and behold, Lana sent a touching and poignant memo: “Wanna meet for a visa and selphie?”
David was hopeful once again, and responded by asking Lana when she would be online again, ya know….instead of asking where/when they will meet or sending her an ultimatum at the same time. He seemed so relieved to be back in the game. Still, I’m hoping there is a twist to this that will really knock off my toupee.

Avery & Ashtray:
After complimenting her “thongs”, Ashtray took Avery to a fun crocodile boatride down the river. The Australian crocodiles are super dangerous and sneaky, which Ashole tells Avery not to worry, he would “protect her” (pretty sure the only croc he could protect her from is the sandal, not even a thong). Later at the hotel, Avery asks him again about meeting his ex wife and son, which is met with vague answers. He admits on camera that he’s nervous about them meeting, as his ex wife is very honest (oh and probably isn’t up on the plan of taking her son to the other side of the planet). Looks like next week is going to be more interesting, as the preview clip shows Ashole mentioning he is single. Oops…. still no koalas.

Missing this week was Yolanda, who was busy emailing Wendy Williams to see if she was related to Williams Williams.