Before the 90 Days of Our Lives, Episode 7

Big Egg & Rosemarie’s Baby:
WARNING: The events that occurred in the story below may cause reader loss of appetite, vomiting, and extreme unease. The author takes no responsibility for reporting the herein events.

Back at the hotel, Ed tries to pamper his “Queen” with a romantic, sexy foot massage. He suggests she changes into her pink polyester pjs and the hotel bathrobe, while he does a superhero pose/victory dance that she actually fell for it. Rose comes out to a champagne toast, as Ed busts out the mayo-infused massage oil to shine up her leg hair. He then asks how to say the word kiss in her language, which turns out to be “halik”. Rose should have seen where this was going….the whole scene outwardly looked like “To catch a Predator” and I kept waiting for Chris Hansen to barge in. Ed haliked Rose on the lips for 0.3 seconds and proclaimed it was the best.day.everrrrr.
The next morning Big Egg woke sunny-side up with his cascading mayo locks, peering over at Rosemarie as she was laying in bed. Big Ed confirmed they enjoyed a passionate evening together with the aide of the champagne and he was excited to do it again. Rosemarie complained that Ed’s beard was scratchy on her face, but it just might be the microdermabrasion she needs and goes along with the spa theme of their relationship. On the subject of body hair, Ed mentions that Rosehairy had some Yeti legs going on and they made a shaving pact; her legs for his face.
After the sheering commenced, they traveled back to her hometown to meet her family and see where she lives. A disheveled Ed is walking around in that orange shirt like a melting little creamsicle, taking in the sites and scents of former Rosehairy’s town. Ed meets Rose’s son, Prince, who promptly calls him Daddy, and it’s just getting harder to pick out the cringiest part of this episode. The couple walked beyond the CD cover curtain that revealed Rose’s entire family shouting “surprise” with a welcome feast. They asked Ed what he thought about the house, which was decorated with floral sheets over cinder blocks, a shabby jail chic style. There were piles of toys and cages with bunnies- Why were there cages of bunnies?!? There were kittens and a rooster invited to dinner (who was invited first, the chicken or Big Egg?)
Rose’s brother in law was wearing Tania’s signature pink t-shirt to show his support for the show. Rose’s dad was late to the party, but arrived looking skeptical of poor Ed, sweating buckets. Ed brings up the issue of Rose’s sister asking him for money, which I think will be the theme of next week.

Prince Joffrey & Varya:
First things first, their intro music is always the best. After a full week of his Russian tour, it’s time for Prince Joffrey to head to Siberia to meet the Queen Mum. Varya explains that mom doesn’t want her to move to the U.S., which seems like she and Joffrey have a lot in common already.
The couple hopped aboard a plane for the 5 hour flight to Siberia. They took a video of themselves in the bathroom, joining the “Mile High Club”. I’m impressed that they both fit in an airplane bathroom, and hope they listened to the Trans-Siberian orchestra to get in the mood.
On the far drive to the house, Varya asks what present Joffrey is bringing for her mother, which of course the answer is nipple tats. Additionally, he stops to pick weeds from the side of the road, which hopefully she isnt allergic to.
They arrive at Varya’s mother’s apartment and we are introduced to her mom, Larissa, the human crossword puzzle. It was hard to pay attention to the scene, as I was just trying to figure out if there was a hidden message in her mom’s dress. Varya described her mom as a traditional, tough Siberian woman, which I pictured more like someone from Game of Thrones, House Starke. But alas, there was no wolf pelt jacket, pet tigers or even a siberian husky…….only a nice lady with an alphabet dress and meat dumplings. Varya’s mom must’ve done her Google homework on Joffrey, as she seemed concerned for Varya’s safety. Looks like next week is confession time for Joffrey, as hes about to come clean about his criminal past to Varya. Do you know the traditional way to say “goodbye” in Siberia? Znippletatz.

BGL & Assman:
Meanwhile, back at the Sokoto Motor Murder Lodge…….
BGL is alone in the Chalet suite and annoyed, yet again, since Assman left her for way too long while walking his friend out. It seems as though Assman has hit a breaking point with his babylove and doesn’t want to feel like he’s on lockdown with her (good thing it wasn’t Coronavirus time yet). Babygirl listens, scowling, while Sojaboy suggests that maybe they go their separate ways.
I can see where BGL is frustrated and confused. I think she’s analyzing their relationship like Dwight Schrute:
1. “I’ll be there for you”
FALSE. You were outside with your friend for 34 minutes and left me alone

2.”I’ll say a prayer for you”
FALSE. You just said I was not God.

3. “I’ll shave my leg hair for you”
FALSE. That was Rose
In the next scene, BGL is alone, after Sojaboy took off into the night. I think she needs to take a nice, cold bucket shower and relax. He returns at 2am Sokoto time to discuss their argument and his valid concerns about Babygirl trying to control him. With his hookah in hand, he tells her that he respects her as a person, but they can’t be fighting all day ‘erry day. He fears that his life will be like “Misery” in the U.S. with his Babygurl Kathy Bates calling the shots. BGL explains that she’s just tired from traveling and sleeping on box springs and inhaling second hand hookah. They seemed to have made up for now, and it looks like there will be a goat purchase next week. Can’t wait.

Darcey and Tomfoolery:
Darcey, leaving her 80 lbs of overnight luggage with the hostess, glided into the lounge and snubbed Tom’s kiss greeting, only allowing a handshake. (That’s the kind of passive-aggressive shade I’m into!!). Tom scoffs, and awkwardly stares at her, unsure of where to start the conversation. Darcey makes chit chat, before going in for the digs, making comments about his lack of enthusiasm on her 15th birthday (I mean 45th) and his lack of correspondence. She’s doing a lot of fast blinking, teeth clenching, hair twirling and ambivalent shrugging. Tom asks what happened to their relationship, which caused minor puddles to form in her eyes. But Darcey heard her inner voice say “you be strong, bitch”, and hung in. Tom goes on to say that Darcey is emotionally unavailable towards him, while she accused him of trying to hide the other woman he neglected to mention.
He admits he met someone who loves him the way he needs to be loved, then drones on to say that Darcey talked about her past relationship with Jesse too much, which is an illusion. He says he loves Darcey like Peppa Pig, aka his sister, to which she says shes done, to which he says try not to ruin the next one, to which she says “Check, please! I’ll buy his coffee”, like a boss. They continued making high school jabs until Tom pulled the ultimate jerk move and asked if she had gained weight. Darcey finally got up and left, lugging her rock collection along in her suitcase. There was an appropriate amount of crying afterwards and I was proud of her. This storyline is 100% categorically done and dusted.

The NewYork State of Health Guy in the commercials in between:
What a creep. He keeps telling me to wash my hands but like a “perp”on SVU…..oh wait. I’m not supposed to be recapping him…

Stephanie & Erika not Shmerika:
The girls are off to their day date plans of crafting with their boobies. The objective was to make a literal bust of each others busts and then decorate it with paint and sparkles. Though I loved everything about the studio decor and the instructor, the project itself was a bit odd, if for no other reason than where would one display that afterwards? Stephanie felt uncomfortable getting to second base in front of the other crafters and cameras. When asked by another boobie-crafter about their future plans of being together, Erika didn’t sound too keen on picking up and moving any time soon. This seemed like news to Stephanie, though you assume they would have talked about this before.
After they cleaned off their plaster boobs, the girls got dressed up and went for a fancy dinner. Stephanie got Erika a “hair vine” accessory as a gift so she could feel like a princess. (She probably would’ve preferred a fun colored platic/rhinestone tiara from Claire’s).
At dinner, Stephanie brought up the fact that she’s more prude in person than she appears online, and she was also feeling “uncomfortable” about seeing a dating app on Erika’s phone. Erika deletes the app, though she claims to only be using it for business, and storms out of the restaurant leaving her hair accessory behind. She feels like Stephanie is taking control lessons from the BGL handbook. You know what I think? Where are the damn koalas already???!!

Yolander, party of one, Yolander:
Are we still doing this? We’ve been watching this woman pretend to book a plane ticket for over a month, but this time she was wearing saltine crackers on her ears. (Maybe they were matzah for Passover tomorrow night?)
After getting everyone in the mood for cheese and crackers….we watched Yolander’s daughter Karra
deliver the hard truth that Williams is infact Sojaboy. Yolander is in complete disbelief that her British bombshell is actually a Nigerian scammer after receiving an email trying to extort money in exchange for her provocative photos. I mean, at this point, who even cares anymore. I think the fact that she thought this man was British is more embarrassing than any nude photo. Let’s be done with Yolander, please/thanks.

Avery & Ashtray:
Avery is pleased with her internet boyfriend, despite the interview last week with his brother, Jafar. She and Ashtray set off on a “couples retreat” to tropical northern Australia. They went on a beach side picnic to discuss their relationship and Avery brought up some concerns. She wants to know the truth about meeting his ex wife and his son, without his rehearsed relationship coach mumbo jumbo. Hopefully they’ll be able to enjoy their vacation and someone will pet a damn koala.

Missing this week was David, who may actually be missing since he’s driving on some dangerous road in the Ukraine to meet his imaginary friend.