Before the 90 Days of Our Lives, Episode 4:

Prince Joffrey & Varya:
Joffrey woke up all by his lonesome in his Russian hotel room, then met Varya in the lobby as his tour guide for the day. They toured the “Red Square” in Moscow, to which Joffey proclaimed that “We don’t have anything like this in America!”, because I guess he thought there would just be a Target and a Walgreens or something. They held hands, kissed, and Varya jumped up and down a lot. They were getting along so well, that Varya decided to give in to staying with Joffrey at the hotel that night.
The next morning, Joffrey is looking all Quagmire and discussing their giggidty from the night before.
This is where the star of the show comes onscreen……….the nipple tats. Are they bear claws using the nipple as the center? Are they wonky eyelashes that Darcey just can’t seem to keep on? Are they a ray of a tribal sun orbiting the central areola? Did he get them in jail? Lost a bet? I can’t look away, and can’t stop thinking why he was so confident in unleashing these bad boys to an international audience. I mean the other tattoos were just horrible, but these were in a category of their own. I did not pay attention to the details of their conversation about visiting Varya’s hometown, because Nipple Tats. I was hoping that he also had a tattoo of dolphins encircling his belly button, but no such luck. Ok, I’ll move on…..
While Varya was blow drying her hair for 3 1/2 years with one of those crappy hotel hair dryers, she got very jealous over seeing another woman’s name “engraved” on Joffrey’s comb. (Note to Varya, Joffrey was not married to “Sally Beauty Supply”, they just stamp that on all of the combs in the factory in China. Your psycho is showing). Maybe they’re well matched after all! I mean if a comb bothers you but the nipple tats left you unphased……
The couple heads to Varya’s hometown so Joffrey can see how she lives. Varya owns her apartment, which reminded Joffrey of his nipple tats. I mean, his time in prison. Between the exposed wiring and lack of a sink, she seems to be living in a Fixer Upper before demo day. Joffrey starts getting suspicious that Varya has an ultimate goal of coming to the U.S., being that she’s living in shambles without any urgency in completing her project house, and thinks she’s banking on moving to America with him eventhough they’ve only been online dating for 3 months. He’s feeling very skeptical, as they unfold the leopard pull out couch to go to bed. Nipple tats.

BGL & Assman:
Ok, sometimes to do these recaps I have to watch an episode or segment up to 3 times to actually pay attention. All I’m going to say, is I better start getting paid, because it’s going to cost a lot in therapy to forget about the things from this week.
That being said….. This week opened with BGL and Assman’s first morning together as a solidified couple in Nigeria.
Their “pillow talk” consisted of Usman being tired, and Babylove calling him lazy. BGL explains that Assman was inexperienced in the realm of oral passion, and she had to teach him the ways. This is when I went into Usman’s home bathroom to retrieve the third bucket reserved for vomit……
Sojaboy-toy described their love-making as “70% good, and that’s good enough” (Between him and Azan I’m trying to figure out why men from Africa describe things in percentages). And if all of this wasn’t enough, BGL has to reiterate her “no condom use” theme by taking a few useless packs of condoms given to her by her friends out of her dusty beat up suitcase,(no judgement there, mine is always covered in dog hair), while the camera panned over her sanitary napkin and mullet dress. She brought up the condomless evening to Sojaboy, who agreed it was a wild time.
Next stop on the vomit train was a Nigerian breakfast with the new Goofballs, which consisted of miscellaneous meat, fish, spaghetti, and pancakes.
They discuss meeting Sojamom and the difficulties they may have in getting her blessings for marriage. Apparently mother Assman thinks this evil older white lady is bringing her son to the U.S. as a slave, when in reality, she’s just trying to have him live in her house, boss him around, make him go “downtown”, and take over his music “career”. She’s way off! BGL ignores the warnings of the Newfballs (my new name for the new goofballs), and is angry that Assman isn’t fighting against all odds for their 70% good love.
The couple is accompanied by the Newfballs on their way to Kaduna to experience a day in the life of Superstar Sojaboy. BGL is packing up her dusty bags, and heading out of the hotel like Miss America with her flower bouquet and teddybear. Meanwhile, Assman’s cell phone is blowing up, and babygirl Lisa is suspicious, as she should be (Yolanda keeps calling to see where he is!).
She arrives at the house, thinking it’s going to be something out of MTV Cribs, and is shocked to see the tight knit sleeping arrangements, poop buckets, and wobbly toilets. (My new favorite detail was that the wobbly toilet had a fuzzy decorative toilet seat cover? I bet girly Usman put that on there). Sojaboy confessed to his squad that he can already tell BGL is more difficult in person than he expected. He seems apprehensive to introduce her to the music industry bigwigs of Kaduna in next week’s episode, though I personally can not wait.

Big Egg & Rosemarie’s Baby:
The cab lands at the hotel in Manila where Ed and Rosemarie will be spending their first night together. Rosemarie has never had a slumber party, and forgot her pajamas. While Ed was in the bathroom possibly doing a mayo treatment, Rose was pulling the covers up so she just looked like the girl from “the Grudge”, and pretending she was “fake sleeping” worse than a toddler. Ed was under the impression they would stay up hanging out, watching t.v. and talking, but Rose was fake exhausted from faking understanding Ed’s jokes all day, so the King and Queen went to bed.
The next morning they woke up and Ed hand fed Rose cornflakes from their room service like she was a goat at the petting zoo. Rose complained that Ed blasted the A.C. at night, which is a fight I can relate to. They stepped out of the hotel with Ed’s neon sneakers and hit the streets of Manila for some shopping. Big Egg turned into an omelette from the heat within the first 30 minutes, leaking Hollandaise stains all over his shirt. Rose was grabbing money from Ed’s wallet and giving away his change, causing Eggie to have a literal meltdown. I still at this juncture really like Ed and look forward to next week, when he pulls a Paul and asks Rose to take an STD test.

Avery & Ashtray:
It’s the big day- Avery has landed in Melbourne and is meeting Ashole for the very first time. They seemed to be genuinely happy and compatible at the airport, though JackAsh’s eyes were wild like he just snorted something.
The Zoolander caliber couple set off on the wrong side of the road, holding each other’s well-moisturized hands to head to their Air Bnb. Avery claims she wants to stay in different bedrooms so their spirits can connect first, though she loved her black funeral roses from Ashtray’s shady florist. Ashole is obviously a narcissist and it seems like every time he talks about Avery, he only mentions how much she loves him. Cant wait to see them pee in the ocean. together….

David & the 1992 Ladies of Ukraine Calendar:
I, for one, have been excited to meet David, a 60 year old man from Las Vegas with fabulous 1980s dad hair. His ambitions include traveling the country in an RV, and randomly selling vintage unicycles on the black market out of his garage while demonstrating his sweet cycling skills set to French music (how did this even come up? Do you think production asked him to write down 10 of the most random things about himself and riding a unicycle was one of them??). Also amidst the randomness and a guiding factor for his dating life, was his childhood obsession with Boris and Natasha. Something about that Vampire voice and flat head really does it for him. He has been in a virtual relationship for 7 years with his 27 year old Ukranian beauty, Lana, who he only communicates with over a very expensive paid chat site. Nothing fishy here! (Sidenote: I do a great Natasha impression and will chat for $1.50/minute, if you’re listening Dave!).
Dave’s friends voiced their concern that this woman is taking advantage of him, but it just falls on dead ears. (Every couple on the show has to have at least one intervention with friends).
We got to accompany Dave and Lana on a virtual picnic at a local park, where Lana sent several intriguing emojis in regards to their upcoming meeting. He then reveals that they have “intimate” chats, with even sexier emojis, which cost much more than my offer.
Dave also has a video chat with Anya, a former Ukrainian fling, who he now considers a close friend. She is skeptical that Lana will not show, seeing as how she has stood Dave up the last 3 times he went to the Ukraine. Seems like he has a few ladies in his Ukrainian stable, and if the 4th time isn’t a charm, he can always chit chat with Maria (or Natalie, if he’s into Fatal Attraction). Let’s hope Dave can soon trade in his unicycle for a bicycle built for two.

Stephanie & Erika not Shmerika:
S & E are excitedly chatting about the upcoming visit to the land of Oz, while her adorable pug looked on. Erika hopes Stephanie gets along well with her friends while in town, and has a bunch of fun things planned.
Stephanie packed up some cute outfits along with lots of antibiotics in preparation for her trip. Nothing crazy to report yet again, but I’m hoping there are koalas in her future.

Darcey, just Darcey:
Darcey, Stacey, and their friend are relaxing at a spa, day drinking fancy mimosas, and rehashing delusions. There seem to be so many pointless episodes leading up to the pointless meeting of Darcey and Tom, who are not even dating. I’d rather watch her run on the treadmill again for like 10 minutes. Its pretty amazing that most of the couples on the show have to save up and get the chance to meet their significant other, and then men Darcey isn’t even dating fly in just to say they’re done but appreciate her. Anyway, I’m guessing this episode was about mimosas, and “Girl Power”. You know they just want Darcey on to poke fun at her. They may as well dissolve the relationship storyline and film her at the DMV, or a PTA meeting, or on the phone with AT&T. All would be more interesting than what is currently happening.

Missing this week was Yolander, who looks like she’ll be returning next week.
Missing permanently is William’s, who doesnt exist.