Before the 90 Days of Our Lives; S4, episode 1

Geoffrey & Varya:
Geoffrey (though I keep calling him Joffrey in my head a la Game of Thrones) is a seemingly normal looking guy from Tennessee with a bit of a past. He has been married a few times, has 3 kids by two different women, and suffered extreme heart break losing his young son. He met Varya from Russia online on an international dating site. She is described to be a radio personality and career driven woman.
Geoffrey goes to visit some random older woman he knows from Russia with a really nice house to discuss his upcoming visit to Moscow. Olga, the token Russian friend, looks like her head got stuck in an oscillating fan, and they were able to salvage one lone piece in the front before taking a dull knife to hack the rest of her hair off, freeing her from said fan.
Besides Olga’s confusing hair and her beautiful kitchen, it sounded like her only other purpose was to tell Geoffrey to be weary of Russian women speaking English in a “takes one to know one ” kind of way. The previews seem to look like Olga might be right…

Big Ed & Rosemarie:
Cue the fun surf music, it’s finally time to meet self proclaimed “Big Ed”, a 53 year old photographer from San Diego (or as Anchorman would say, the “Whale’s Vagina”). Big Ed seems to be a fun-loving guy, though he stands at a whopping 4’11” and sports a slightly egg-shaped physique. Ed has a 29 year old daughter Tiffany, who he’s very close with from his previous marriage, which ended because HE was unfaithful to HER (Possible Napoleon complex much??). He seems to be pretty confident with himself despite being vertically challenged and seems like a lot of fun, though it’s hard to get a full read this early in the game- so far I like him. He shares his life with his tiny dog, Teddy, who has the coolest spaceship looking backpack that he rides in while tooling around town on Ed’s Vespa. Although Teddy is his ride or die, he decided to look for love on the interweb and found Rosemarie, a 23 year old girl from the Philippines. Rosemarie is a single mom to the son formerly known as Prince, and lives with her family who are super poor. Ed has become best buds with the UPS staff, as he’s there weekly shipping random things to the Philippines as gifts, but also to help make his stay more comfortable (i.e. he requires 1000 thread count sheets for his super sensitive skin, which in conjunction with shipping, may cost as much as her rent for the month).
We got to meet Ed’s mom, Norma, who doesn’t love the idea of Big Egg venturing to meet Rosemarie. Sounds like daughter Tiffany is also upset about it, as she hasn’t spoken to Ed since finding out.
Ed apparently takes great pride in his long scraggly hair, and performs an entire scene where he does a DIY hair mask by applying mayonnaise to his head with a spatula, to avoid harsh chemicals while also getting that Hellman’s glow. As a haircare professional, I can’t really speak on what this does for your hair, other than make me want a Turkey sandwich.
After salon time, Ed hops on video chat with Rosemarie, where they just kind of smile at each other and she told her son to call him “daddy”, which was a super cringey moment. Ed tried to ask Rosemarie if she was talking to other people, primarily Americans online, to which her Skype magically stopped working. (She didn’t even have to say she was from Finland). Ed is definitely enjoying his time in the spotlight, so good for him. This story should be interesting, and if nothing else, entertaining.


Baby Girl Lisa & Assman/Sojaboy:
The intro to Lisa was the most impressive in 90 Day History. She was in the process of getting a full body wax in preparation for her big trip to meet Assman aka Sojaboy, her 30 year old Nigerian boyfriend. Apparently Asprin is some famous Nigerian singer/movie star, but the only celebrity in Nigeria that I’m familiar with is Angela.
Baby Girl Lisa spends her days trolling Assman’s social media for heart emojis, telling him to “tighten it up” when it comes to the other women.
Baby Girl Lisa (who will now be known as BGL because I’m lazy and don’t want to keep typing it out) and Nikki sat down over iced frappa-somethings to discuss Lisa’s journey to meet her Nigerian superstar. I thought Lisa and Nikki were sisters, being that they had the same crunchy Depp gel hair and kind of look alike. I couldn’t stop staring at Nikki’s tattoo of a floating Marilyn Monroe face and matching “Monroe” piercing. Nikki tried to bring BGL back to reality by mentioning that she can’t possibly marry this guy without having met him in person, and experiencing him biblically (I’m going to dance around this portion, as I hope to one day stop gagging). BGL is not worried about their physical interaction as she has a “secret weapon”; She is going to let Assman get the love without the glove, something he claims to have never experienced previously. She also tells Nikki that she had him tested for AIDS, which hopefully included a slew of other STDs she will most likely be experiencing in her near future.
Nikki seemed skeptical, but BGL threatened to make her listen to the “I’ll go there for you baby girl Lisa” song Assman wrote her for the 100th time, so she kept quiet. I’ll admit the song is very romantic and catchy, and convenient that you can just auto tune anyone’s name in whenever you feel like they might be your ticket to the U.S. I just cant wait to see his disappointment when he realizes that York, PA and New York are two different places…..

New Avery & Ashtray:
Well, her name may be Avery (Just glad this one isn’t thinking of going to Syria), but she reminds me of Deavan from 90 Day The Other Way. New Avery is a single mom of two living in Seattle. After her last relationship didn’t work out, she moved back to Seattle to start over with her daughters and pursue her passion of putting pot leaves in salad. (This is why I stay away from salad, it could be illegal). She also works with her ex boyfriend who’s a big pothead or big in the world of cannabis or something I don’t fully understand. She tells her ex/weed dealer about Ash, her new online love from Australia. Ashtray is an Instagram “relationship coach”, who specifically coaches single women. On Instagram. Sounds legit to me! This may be the best scam yet, as he can just say all of his texts and messages from single women are work related and theoretically mean it, while flirting with them for money- genius. She’s actually a really pretty girl and could easily find another guy who enjoys weed that likes to talk to other women on the internet right here in the states (Michael from Love After Lockup, for example, and he’s always taking applications). I’m guessing this is why they’ve already broken up 3xs in their 9 month long distance relationship. Avery should hire Baby Girl Lisa to troll his page for heart emojis.

Yolanda & A random stranger that doesn’t have a British accent:
Yolanda is a 51 year old power walking, widowed mother of 6 from Las Vegas. After losing her husband of 30 years to kidney disease (and jail? That was confusing…they breezed right over that whole thing), she decided to lose a bunch of weight and post cute selfies online. This is when she met Williams, a random guy using a body builder’s picture to scam ladies online. Yolanda loves his sexy British-Nigerian accent, and his thoughtful use of emojis. Her kids, on the the other hand, are spotting the red flags left and right. Her three sons (2 with rhyming names and all three with weird 80’s mustaches), were questioning Yolanda’s relationship, especially upon hearing she was venturing to England. I’m guessing this is going to be another Caesar situation, but maybe there will he a Catfish plot twist. Do we end up watching her have a fun time in England with her daughter, or do we need to call Liam Neison and his special set of skills? To be continued…

Missing from this episode were Darcey and Tom and a whole lot of crying.
Also to behold in the future is the first same sex couple, who both have fabulous hair, and the 40 year old virgin.