90 Day Book Report: Season 7, Episide 13

Fresh Prince & Jazzy J:
Fashion Nova Barbie is prepping for her wedding day, eventhough she is not “wedding person”. Blake brought his future femmebot-to-be roses and made her a bouquet, which was the only endearing part of their wedding. Jasbot3000 was so nervous, she forgot to put the real wedding dress on over that spandex slip she was wearing.
The white spandex “wedding dress” was so tight you could see her entire ribcage through it, and almost see the unseasoned chicken she ate for lunch. I was just surprised she didn’t wear white bike shorts and a sports bra with a purse, like usual.
They vowed to love each other, repect each other, not talk while eating, not wear masks in the house, and work on their inner peace. They had a romantic peck on the lips, and Jasmin seemed to enjoy and laugh at the fact that Blake was emotional. Mazel tov! Almost done with them….Next!

Big Mike & Natalooshka:
Mike Bunyan is home and playing with tires in his front yard to occupy his mind, while pondering where it all vent vrong with Natashkala. He decides to video chat with Natalie, which in retrospect maybe wasn’t the best idea. Natalie seemed to be childish, saying she hadn’t thought about him in over a week, and then made claims that Big Mike made negative comments towards her off camera. He might have said she talked like a vampire, and stared at him like she wanted to bite him, but who knows. The conversation ended when Mike got upset about Natalie bringing up “trust issues “, and he walked off pretty angry. I’m just wondering how long it would take her to fix up that nasty bachelor pad of a house if she moved in. It would be a Home Goods miracle! (Not even sure if they have one in Squeem). One Squeem, end scene.

Anna & Metamucil:
The clock is ticking, and Anna is en route to the airport to retrieve Murcellulite from his brief Turkish vacation. Allegedly, they had to get married in 6 hours from the time he landed, or else Mucinex would self destruct. They had an emotional reunion at the airport, along with Geno and Leo- who was mostly just excited for cake. He wins. Joey, Anna’s eldest son couldn’t make it to the airport, because he’s eternally at band practice. They arrive at the house with 2 hours left on the clock, and Anna is absolutely frantic. Mucinex doesn’t think 2 hours is enough time, but you know what would’ve been enough time?? 90 DAYS!!
Anyway, Anna was so overwhelmed getting herself together for the wedding.
She should have just worn the same dress she wore to the airport, and left her hair down and straight- it was a much better look. Meningitis insisted on trying a red ribbon around Anna’s dress, as is a Turkish wedding custom. She crammed herself into that her poofy white dress, tethered herself with the red leash, and down the aisle she went, being walked by Leo and Geno.
Anna’s friends did a nice job of decorating the yard, and they pulled the whole thing off with 2 hours to spare. (Which is a timing mystery, since they had 2 hours to get married when they got to the house). They should turn the wedding into a math word problem for kids: “If a Turkish Beekeeper returns on his reissued K1 Visa with 6 hours to get married, driving home from Omaha at 65mph, with only 5 hours to go, having 2 hours until he marries, and 1 hour for his American Beekeeper wife to mess up her hair and put on her spanks, then the wedding is over with 2 hours to spare, what equals Y?”
Leo gave an adorable speech, which almost made up for the fact that buzzkill Joey and Anna’s mother refused to attend. Mazel Tov to the happy couple! Turkey salad!! Chalky Turd!

Tania & Cinnamon:
Meanwhile back on this edition of “This Old Shed”…You can tell the seasons have changed, not by the foliage, but because Tania swapped out her usual pink t-shirt for a pink sweater. I think Glidden should make a new color of interior paint, “Tania T-Shirt Pink”. Its not hard on the eyes, but increasingly so annoying that you run from the room screaming.Tania and Cinnamon rehash soulmate-gate, because it’s just such a stupid conversation in the first place, might as well have it 3 more times. Later, we saw Tania and Cincinnati driving off to their wedding locale, and Tania was even wearing a bra.
I felt so glad knowing Shart was there to help set up the wedding. It seemed like they were off to a good Tjaart. Hes a real self Tjaart-er. Ok I’ll stop.
Tania was micromanaging everyone instead of getting dressed, and consequently didn’t have time to shower, announcing she’d have to “bird-bath it”. But- she was wearing a bra.
The color scheme of the wedding was “eclectic”, to say the least, between the overall black & red theme, but then the guys were all in white/khaki/baby blue. I’m sure there’s some big cosmic reason with that, I just missed it. Tania got her hair braided like she was going to the 5th grade dance, and slipped on her black lace-meets-tulle wedding dress. Such a special girl she is. Tania’s mother looked like she was living in an 80’s Madonna video, in her super appropriate red dress and freshly dyed purple hair for the special occasion. Tania and Cinnabon’s vows included such memorable lines as “I promise to call you when I get home drunk” and “When I first met you at the bar I knew you’d be more than just a one night stand “. Bust out the tissues, I was feeling verklempt. Basically all of her vows were promises that she wouldn’t continue being awful.
Then, for the grand finale eye roll, in lieu of wedding rings, these two (let’s be honest, Tania is the mastermind behind this one) decided to get the Saggitarious symbol tattooed on their ring fingers.
She probably was just making it so the next time shes in the Belize jungle studying magic spells, she can tell any guys she meets at a bar that she’s “married to travel, because Sagittarius is the travel symbol and stuff”. Ugh, just make her be done now. So close…. Mazel tov…..to Cinnabon for not getting the word “Tania” tattooed on his body.

Angela & Michael:
Angela and Michael sought the counsel of the nice man with the shiny sock on his head (aka the registrar) in regards to the Spousal Visa option, and some of the details of having a wedding in Nigeria. They were told that Angela must have a family member or close friend attend the Nigerian nuptials to make it seem legit. Angela is worried that she won’t be able to get anyone to come over (Hi Ang, I’m right here, available, and I can also do your hair!) and she is still not so secretly hoping they can continue on the K1 Visa.
Time is up for this trip, and Angela is leaving Michael and Manboobs and Nigeria in the rearview mirror to head back to Hazelhurst. But before she boarded her jet plane, michael presented her with “Michael” and “Angela” golden name plate necklaces from Piercing Pagoda in the Nigeria Mall. Michael is going to get a few looks in Nigeria between his man purse and his necklace that says “Angela”. He needs matching Angela hoop earrings, hot pink lipstick, long press on nails, and some weave to complete the look.
I look forward to seeing the actual Angela at the Tell All on Sunday!

Michael & Juliana:
Michael is dropping the kids off at sister-wife Sarah’s house, and discussing their family Halloween costumes. Michael tells his ex wife, in front of his children, that Juliana dressed up as a “hot” zombie, and that she was offered a lot of “tricks”. And then they all laughed like the end of a Brady Bunch episode. What in the actual hell?! The kids went off to bed so Michael and Sarah could discuss the prenush for the 300th time, but this time on the holey leather sofa, and still- no one cares. Couldn’t they just have left them off this episide?!

Robert & Anny Poppins:
Robert is getting his hair did, and boy what a fluffy head of hair it is! He’s only recently had braids on the show, which means Anny has has the luxury of waking up next to that puff every morning. He looked so dapper in his red tuxedo, like a valet at a Vegas strip club (but like, a high end strip club). On the car ride to the wedding, he was discussing his nerves with his driver, who accused Robert of having the “bubble guts”, which I could think of a few possible definitions for. They range from “sliding into first and feeling something burst”, to the Bubble Guppies theme song (because I live that toddler mom life).
Once at the little white chapel, we see Anny, who’s looking absolutely beautiful but very nervous. I am awarding Anny best overall bridal look of this episode. She looked very pretty and put together, while Bryson looked excited and bored all at the same time. You could see Robert start to get all up in his feelings when he saw her walking down the aisle. Then there was the real nail-biting scene where Robert said “I can’t do this…” and they cut to a commercial and showed that snip in endless previews. Only to find out that what he “couldn’t do” was marry a woman that he never gave an engagement ring to in the first place. It was so touching when he got down on bended knee and proposed, vowing to love her until the day he leaves this “Erf”.
Tissues, please. Mazel tov to the reigning best bride of season 7 episode 12 and her husband with the tentacle hair. Best couple on Erf.