90 Day Book Report: Season 7, Episode 12

Episode 12

Michael & Juliana:
Julianna was pretty upset about her family back in the Amazon Prime not even bothering to call on her wedding day. They were most likely working, driving the Uber car she bought them with Michael’s credit card, and I’m sure there are strict “hands free” cell phone rules.
She looked beautiful walking down the aisle, and took everyone’s breath away (including Max, who seemed to think he was getting married, as well as Sarah, who seemed to also think it was her big day). Speaking of sister wife Sarah, It was so nice of her to fit in officiating their wedding after her morning workout. Too bad she didn’t have time to do her hair or makeup, and threw on that little blue number from T.J. Maxx that she had in the back of the closet. (Not hating, I’m also a Maxinista).
It seemed like she may have had a swig from a flask before hitting the mic, with all of her “umm, like, soooo…..I’m not this bitter 42 year old mom…” shpiel. Juliana’s second dress was super cute and the party looked like a lot of fun. Oh and Cece in her flower crown-adorable. Mazel Tov to the happy couple!

Robert & Anny Poppins:
Anny is somehow still talking to Robert. They must have made up at their slumber party, where she also braided his hair. (The braids are definitely helping with the frizz, but have a tentacle/mullet effect in the back). Robert decides to take Anny shoe shopping for her wedding shoes to keep the peace. (The production crew had to get a close up of the store’s sign “Outlet Sale”, because they have jokes). It was today that Robert coined the family motto, “One Team-One Dream”. He repeated it multiple times, just to really drive home the message. Anny was into it, and I came up with the second family motto: “Red Shoes Keep your Boos”, because it seemed accurate.
After a fun day at the mall, they seemed ready to move full steam ahead with the wedding. They decided it would be a good idea (or at least production thought it would be a good idea…) to meet up with GrannyXXX and her Man-ager to squash the problems for the sake of Bryson. The grandparentals were concerned that Anny Poppins was feeling “stuck” with Robert, and that they’d break up anyway, so rather than prolonging the inevitable, they wanted to offer her a lump sum of money for a plane ticket back to her country. Grandmama whipped out her bootleg LV checkbook from Chinatown, and Anny Poppins was disgusted. She should’ve been more appreciative of the offer, I’m sure grandma worked hard to earn that money. Lord knows she wasn’t just sitting around working on her inner peace! Needless to say, the meeting ended badly.
Third family motto:
“One team, Granny scheme, Porn Queen, Ruins Dreams.”

Angela & Michael:
We caught up with Angela, who was currently being “barmbaded” with questions by Michael’s family. I’m assuming that new genius term means “to rapid fire questions about one’s lone egg”. I’m definitely calling Merriam-Webster right now…..or at least the Urban dictionary.
Family Michael convinces Angela to look into the spousal visa option so the lovely couple can finally be together. The nice man in the blue pajamas really believes in their love, unlike the smiling man (Michael’s brother?) Who was unabashedly laughing at the entire situation. Angela thanked everyone by saying “O’Shea!”, which I thought sounded more Irish than Nigerian… oh well! It’s all Greek to me!
Family Motto:
” Totin’ eggs or breakin’ legs”


Fresh Prince & Jazzy J:
In Finland, we dont celebrate birthdays.
We just nod at each other once a year.


Ok I guess I have to say more. Jasmin went to hang with Blake in a garage and discuss the Everett birthday party fiasco from last week. Blake tries to drive home the fact that Jasmin should be more social, and she keeps blinking. In the couples’ interview, she actually apologized to Blake and sort of touched him awkwardly on the shoulder. We’ve made contact! Wild stuff.
In the next scene, Jasmania’s parents, Mkka and Kajjmm, are in town from Finlandia, and are having a sit down meeting with Blake’s mom, Kerline-Kerline-Kerline-kerliiiiine (sung to the tune of Dolly Parton’s “Jolene”, every time. I love this name, it’s like Kermit and Jolene had a baby). ANYWAY, they all discuss the couple’s future and we learned that Jasmin isn’t a “work oriented” person. She believes Blake can be the breadwinner, running around in his mask all day, while she stays home, working on her inner peace. By far, the best thing anyone has ever said. Jasminion wants to just post on social media all day when she’s up to it, and I’m finally relating to her.
Family motto: “I don’t like mottos.”


Tania & Cinnamon:
Cinnabon snuck away from his succubus soul-inmate and went to meet up with his friend, Shart, a fellow South African by way of Philadelphia. (Ok, its technically Tjaart, and clearly he was not his mother’s favorite child). How is this poor man dating in the U.S.? Imagine meeting a good looking guy out, and then he says “Hi, I’m (what sounds like) ‘Shart'”?? Game over. Lets hope whoever the lucky lady is, she calls him “Babe”. Anyway…….It was nice to see Syngerella out and about, in his finest Hawaiian shirt, speaking with his awesome accent. Shart tried to listen objectively, but brought up a lot of tough questions regarding Tania’s selfishness. The meeting seemed to have left Cinema with a few things to ponder.
In the meantime,Tania and her crew descended upon the bridal shop in search of something “nobody else would get”, causing an international television audience to roll their eyes. She wanted either a black, red, or champagne colored dress. We know, Tania, you’re a really different, special and unique. Tania’s mother was looking pretty carefree in that blue sundress, being held up by hope and prayers, no bra anywhere in sight.
After trying on a black lace funeral dress, Tania agreed to try on a more traditional wedding gown, which her posse all loved. While wearing the dress, she proudly tells her family about soulmate-gate and how she proudly hurt
Syngi-Lauper’s feelings. Her friends and family cringed, and they all agreed the dress she was modeling had bad “ju-ju”, and was not “the one”. (If she’s into jinxed dresses, I hear that Coltee was selling Larissa’s on ebay or something).
Family Motto:
“Droopy boobs and bad ‘tudes”


Emily & Sascha:
Emily opens the segment whining about Saschisimo’s stunt driving on the way to their wedding AirBNB, with Betsy and baby Dave in tow. Betsy gave Sascha a last minute pep talk on what to do as a husband;
1. Dont cheat on your wife
2. Promise to love your wife
3. Dont throw away people’s hot cheetos.
While Emily was inside doing God knows what to her blonderexic hair, Sasch takes the opportunity to phone Russia. He has a heartfelt conversation with his son “I love you son”, “Me too, ok bye”, followed by an even more touching conversation with his mother. She explained that he has to love and respect Emily for their marriage to work, to which Sascha said “Ok I’ll be in touch”. Tear jerker.
Emily and Sascha got married, Saschini finally saw the Pacific Ocean, and as Emily’s mom said, “We’ll see how it goes”. Mazel tov!
Family motto:
“Baby more bigg-ie, and wife number three”

Anna & Metamucil:
Anna is sitting in the dining area of her house, where some of my favorite Mucinex crying work took place. She is waiting on a phone call from Muffintop to see if his Visa was renewed for him to come back from his brief stint in Turkey. Turns out, Mustard was in a state of confusion (aren’t we all at this point?!), and decided to come clean with his family about lying that Anna has three kids. His mother took pity on him, and signed his permission slip, so now he’s allowed to marry Anna.
Bust out the bee decor, game on!
Anna had to explain this new development to her kids over burgers and milkshakes. I would agree to almost anything over a milkshake, but Joey, the eldest son does not want to attend the wedding ceremony and can’t be bribed with frosty treats. Anna’s youngest son was quick to accept the invite, as long as he ” isnt bored, and they make it awesome”. I think that’s the only way I’m agreeing to watch this show next season. Hear that, TLC?!?! I dont want to be bored again-Make it awesome!!
Family Motto: “Beeswax and Mucinex”


Mike & Natalie:
Mike, the Shaq of Squeem, went to see his lawyer, Michelle, who really stole the show. First things first, she LOVES high heels, or at least loves them as a decorating scheme for her office. I’m guessing she was a big Sex in the City fan, and fancied herself a “Carrie”. She probably could have gotten a little more done up, being she was making her t.v. debut, instead of the mismatched foundation and messy half up hair. She seemed to be giving both relationship advice and legal advice. Could she possibly have a crush on Big Mike? I could kind of see them going to Outback together, it would be cute. She could wear her 6″ heels and he would still be taller…..they could get a bloomin’ onion and a few signature cocktails….
Anyway, Mike has a lot to think about, and it’s nice to see him drive off in a car that he finally fits into.
Family Motto: “One team, one Squeem”