Before the 90 Days of Our Lives: Episode 11

Rebecca & Zied:
Well, Rebecca was wondering the desert looking for Zied. Helpful hint; follow the grease trail on the sand. The thought of losing Zied forever made Rebecca so much vomit, while I myself feel the opposite. Zied confirmed he was man Arabic. Nothing happened with them, except more Zied talk so much Geico caveman.
Never I doing thises.

Darcy & Tom:
Back in Nottingham, Tom now doubles as both 007 AND Robinhood. After several marriage references, Tom took Darcy to a romantic, private dinner, while wearing a purple polka dot tie. I get that hes supposed to be this sophisticated British man of style, but between his doofy curly hair and purple polka dots, hes losing me. Between confessing his love and the dreamy romantic music that production edited in, it made you believe Tom might actually propose with a ring, instead of…..a key. Smooth move on his part, giving a girl that lives in the U.S. a key to his house, seeing as how it’s pointless. Maybe it was like a “promise key”( just hoping it didn’t used to belong to Veronica!) Also, does he live in a Smurf cottage?? Who’s house has an old fashioned skeleton key on the front door? Technically it’s house key, but it’s totally a key to the attic.
The two lovingly said goodbye at the airport, and Tom did the whole “second goodbye” thing, which ya know Darce just loves. (Kinda stole Jesse’s old move). SPEAKING OF WHICH, was it “just an illusion” or did I see his face pop up on the preview for the tell all?? TLC, you’re amazing.

Jiminey Cricket & Pao #2:
The final hours of Tim does Columbia are about to come to an end. Tim says hes going to miss Pao 2…..Pao 2 says shes going to miss Tim. I personally will not miss either.
No cricket mating happened in the three week time span, and tensions were high towards the end if the trip.

Avery & Omar:
Avery and her poor mother went to a lawyer to see what they could do about getting Omar to the U.S. Teri slipped the lawyer a $20 to tell Avery that it’s not recommended to go to Syria because it would delay the Visa process (because the threats of war and no makeup are no longer an issue for her). Avery’s mother needs to sign her up for “Beyond Scared Straight” after this season.

Ben & Quinoa:
Let the bride price ceremony commence! Quinoa’s father assured Ben that his family was the best in town. (Seemed a little cocky to me, kind of has an “O’Doyle Rules!” Complex going on). Ben was a little low on funds, so he worked out a “buy now- pay indefinitely” plan with her father. He will now be sending Sunny D to Kenya for the rest of his life. The cake cutting song was the best.
The next morning, Ben and Quinoa discussed consummating their marriage. Ben asked “was the cookie jar tended to well?” This, for me personally, goes down as the most1a cringe worthy thing said on the show. Of.All.Time. I’m confused, I’m upset, I’m grossed out….was that what the flour/oil/eggs were for??!! Were they making cookies?? So confused and nauseous, and now I want a cookie. Send help.

Angela & Michael:
I gotta hand it to her, Angela looked really good in her African engagement party attire. That blue head wrap was the best her hair has looked in a long time.
She came out dancing, doing a toned down version of the Sprinkler. Michael had some moves too. They sat down with Michael’s mother during the party to have a discussion about family planning. When ya got it-flaunt it, and Angela has been flaunting her beautiful uterus to anyone that will listen.

Caesar:
Do I still have to mention this guy?? I think his 10 minute segment could have better been used to:
A. See a 4D ultrasound of Angela’s gorgeous uterus
B. Watching Omar blink
C. Watching Zied not blink
D. Watching Darcy’s eyelash glue dry
E. Watching 10 straight minutes of Avery’s mom wearing the sheet.( Gets me every time)
Caesar met up with his dreamboat friend, Jeremy to discuss his pretend relationship. In my strongly worded letter that I previously threatened to write to TLC regarding Caesar, I now think I will be suggesting that they replace him with Jeremy. Maybe Jeremy can have an LDR with someone in a country where its customary for the men to be topless?? Just saying.