Before the 90 Days of Our Lives: Episode 1

Let’s start with Caesar and a picture of some girl:
Between his odd shaped head, the meditating and the bike helmet, Caesar seems like the total package. I mean it’s obvious to everyone but him that this is a scam. Even the producers tried pointing things out to him and he just stared blankly. Svet Lana (the mustached woman who is stealing money from him and sending pictures of a pretty blonde girl she found on a Russian dating site) should realize that this relationship is more profitable than she thinks. The savings in lip/uni-brow waxes and pedicures will overshadow the fact that she’ll be living in his crappy efficiency and riding on a bicycle built for two. This storyline has promise.

Rebecca & Zied:
Why waste money on cheesy motel art for your home when you can get a groupon for prints? And when the company messes up and sends you duplicates of the same 11×17, just frame them ALL! Write a complaint, get a free mug and coaster set, all with the same Facebook picture of a foreign man caught in headlights. I’m sure if Zied’s picture fell out of the frame, the last guy from Tunisia will be right behind it.
Not sure if being a Facebook stalker qualifies you to be called a “private investigator”. This is going to be a disaster.

Avery & Omar:
This one actually scares the crap out of me. How old is she, 19? I feel like maybe 2 years ago she was in her cheerleader phase, then last year she was in her drunk party girl phase, and this year shes in her burka phase. All of which are cute for a little while. Like the money shes saving on cute clothes goes to overspending at Sephora on her highlighter kit (kudos on her makeup skills). Buuuut if you move to Syria, the cute Burka phase has to last a bit longer than it would have usually. Like always. And it’s really currently unsafe for an American with a cross tattoo. Who’s 19 and stupid and has always been free to talk back. She needs a time out. Her poor mother…

Shifty eyes and Pao #2:
One of the best things I’ve learned from watching 90 day is the word Bucaramunga. I just want to say it all day long! Sometimes I roll the R, sometimes I say it 3xs in a row, really fast-I digress….
This guy (who’s name I have yet to commit to memory) is still unattractive. I hate his hairline, and his body is really strangely shaped. And let’s get this straight- he makes designs on guns for a living, which affords him a Ferrari? I’m just confused about this one.

Darcy, Darcy,Darcy! (And Jesse #2):
Does anyone else remember her short hair? Like her actual hair, the asymmetrical Bob? SO much cuter than the disconnected weave shes got going on. The Lip Doctor was not necessary, as she and Stacy can both double as pool toys already. From the previews, this guy seems like he will be equally as emotionally unavailable and demeaning, just more age appropriate.