NEW!! 90 Day Fiance; S8, EP 1

Brandon & Julia:
It seems as though some drunk producer from TLC was like “What if 90 Day Fiancé, I Love A Mama’s Boy, Welcome to Plathville, and Unexpected all like, had a baby”….. Cue Brandon and Julia. Brandon is a 27 year old Virgin(ian) living at home with his parents on their family farm. And on this farm they had some…… German Shepherds. The family happens to run a German Shepherd pimp palace, which Brandon one day stands to inherit. Brandon (who kind of looks like he’s 14) describes himself as a “late bloomer”, and explains that he hasn’t had much success with the ladies in the past. But as luck should have it, not only do German (shepherd) “bitches” love him, but so does one wild Russian, Julia.  
Julia is a go go dancer who also enjoys bodybuilding, and beauty pageants. Brandon very vaguely describes seeing her photos “through his friend” who had met her in a club (*cough* David*cough*), and instantly fell in love. The two long distance lovebirds spent hours chit chatting about things that start with the letter G,….. like Go-Go dancing and German Shepherds, and met up shortly thereafter in person. 
As if being a Benjamin Button farmhand that dabbles in dog pimping wasn’t enough fun, Brandon’s real career lies in the pest control sector. As someone who gets completely creeped out by bugs and appreciates any brave soul willing to squish them for me, I can only hope Julia feels the same way. To off-set the cost of importing his private dancer, Brandon decided that the couple would live with his parents for a while to rebuild their finances. Although this seems like a fiscally responsible move, Brandon is afraid to tell Julia about his parents’ rule where the couple will have to sleep in separate bedrooms. His parents, namely his father, urged him to be honest with her, so there were no surprises when she arrived, but he felt it would only make her angry, which apparently happens a lot. Brandon and his parents are super close, and they insisted on accompanying him to Washington D.C. to pick up Julia from the airport. Brandon’s mother Betty seems to be very involved in her son’s life, and isn’t afraid to ask the hard questions. As she helps him set up his new “big boy” bedroom, with a grand new headboard (and mismatched Rubbermaid wardrobe), she casually asks if Julia is on birth control.  Brandon reveals that Julia refuses to take any type of birth control, and he finds condoms to be “less fun”. This of course made Brandon’s parents nervous, as they seem to prefer German Shepherd puppies over grandchildren at the moment.

While Brandon and his parents were on the car ride to retrieve Julia, Betty got a phone call from her gynecologist’s office, who she had contacted in regards to her son’s foreign 90 Day Fiancé’s reproductive system. She was interested in getting some information about spaying and neutering, and was excited that the office would be open to letting Julia come in and get a free pamphlet on how babies are made (all while Brandon sat in the backseat of the car, playing Angry Birds on his cell phone).

The conversation moved from Julia’s uterus to her temper. I will give this couple credit, as it seems that both Brandon and Julia had their parents all fly to France to meet, prior to the K1 process. Though usually Julia is described as a perfect angel, apparently she has a real mean streak, and doesn’t care who’s around to hear. She had blown up on Brandon a few times in front of his parents, who felt super uncomfortable. Can’t wait to see her meltdown when it’s time for her birth control appointment!

Jovi & Yara:

Way down in bayou, we meet Bonjovi, who is out there Livin’ on a Prayer (There’s just some frat boy, douchey “je ne sais quois” that he possesses). He talked about his upbringing in a small swampy town in Louisiana, which fostered his love for being on and under the water. He eventually moved to New Orleans where he divides his time between his job in underwater robotics and getting totally hammered. Jovi seems to have a lot of downtime while traveling for work, so he decided to download what he described as a “travel app” to meet local people, which is better known as International Tinder. It was through this travel app that he met Yara, a 25 year old Ukranian girl. The two met up for an awkward good time in Budapest, which didn’t include much sight-seeing outside of the hotel room. After dating internationally and meeting up for fun vacations during a six month period, Yara discovered that she was pregnant. Though BonJovi didn’t feel ready to be a craw-dad, he was excited by the idea, and began the K1-Visa process to bring Yara to the U.S. Unfortunately, Yara ended up losing the baby, causing a rough patch in their relationship. BonJovi began getting cold feet, and wondered if the two should still get married, but he figured “It’s my life, and it’s now or never… “.

Jovi’s mother, however, seems skeptical about Yara’s intentions, as her Google search results for “Ukrainian women” brought up a picture of Lana, of Lana and David. She also fears that Yara will have a tough time dealing with Jovi’s 4 weeks on/4 weeks off travel work schedule. 
In preparation for Yara’s arrival, Jovial upgraded to a bigger apartment and went to pick up a new tV from his friend Kline. Both Kline and his baby mama Sara were perplexed by Jovi’s new relationship, as he has always been more of a flakey party boy than husband material. They let him know it would be a good idea to say goodbye to his stripper friends, and let go of his “yolo” lifestyle if he wants to have a successful relationship. 

Jovi went to a local flower shop to bring to the airport to welcome Yara to the States (of course this was her idea, but at least Yara is a great communicator). He waited nervously at the bottom of the airport escalator and was relieved to finally see Yara make her initial descent. It wasn’t the exciting loving reunion one would expect, but rather a gripe session, with Yara complaining about her 30 hour economy flight, and how badly she smelled. Jovi did seem a bit disappointed by her attitude, though he flashed his toothy grin and tried to roll with it. He was excited to take her to see the sights of New Orleans right away, while Yara seemed to want to go back to the hotel and sleep off her jet lag. My initial impression of Yara is that she is 50% Anfisa, and 50% Jasmine. Things might not work out with BonJovi, but “Who says you can’t go home”??

Rebecca & Zied:

WELCOME BACK to the alumni couple!! It looks like Rebecca’s career as a private investigator has her undercover, disguised as a general manager of a local Georgia Chicken Chain, “Joella’s Hot Chicken” (shh! Don’t blow her cover!) When she’s not slinging spicy chicken, she’s busy video chatting with her equally spicy 27 year old fiance, Zied.  Rebecca is working hard to get Zied’s Visa approved so he can move to the U.S. and they can get so mach married. The two have a 22 year age gap between them, though Zied still finds Rebecca to be “so maaach sexy beautiful”, even though she didn’t look like her filtered and face tuned photos she had originally sent him.
Rebecca called Zied on Skype to discuss his upcoming Visa interview. He happened to be with his sister, Wiem, who was not a big Rebecca fan last season, and it appears things haven’t changed. Zied’s conservative Muslim family were skeptical of Rebecca being that she is so much older than him, covered in tattoos, previously married 3 times, and I’m sure they also question her tote-abilities. Another reason for the Family Zied to soo maach worry is due to the fact that this is not Rebecca’s first international marriage rodeo; Her third marriage was also to a 20 something year old Muslim man. 
Rebecca headed over to her daughter Tiffany’s house to discuss the details of Zied moving to the U.S. The idea was for Zied and Rebecca to move in with Tiffany and her fiance Micah to save some money, since the Visa process was very expensive, especially on a hot chicken salary. 
Zied was not thrilled with the idea of another man living with Rebecca and seeing her in her pajamas, even if the other man was her future son in law. This made Tiffany so mach nervous, as she worries that Zied will be controlling, like her last middle eastern 20 year old stepfather. Tiffany’s fiance Micah joined the conversation, expressing his concern for the relationship with Zied, and making sure Rebecca realizes that they are all skeptical of his intentions, and noting the difficulties in her last ridiculous relationship. I’m just so mach happy to see Zied. So beautiful.

Big Mike & Natalie:

Welcome back! Always lovely to see Mike (the 6’7” “Shaq of Squim”) back on the big and tall screen! Mike is living his best Paul Bunyon life on his tree farm with the help of everyone’s favorite ranch hand, Uncle Bo. Last season Mike was in the Ukraine with his fiance, Natalie (who was Glen Close’s stunt double in “Fatal Attraction”). The two seemed to have great chemistry, despite their differences in religion, belief in aliens, and ability to drive a car. (Please see past recaps on ye old blog for more background on Natalie and Mike). At the tail end of Mike’s last trip to the Ukraine, the couple got into a fight, which ended with Natalie throwing her engagement ring and it seemed as though the two were done. However, they did maintain communication and tried to work through their issues. Since Natalie had filed for her Visa prior, she had since been approved, with the caveat that she needs to be in the U.S. within 20 days to start the 90 day process. Mike is feeling nervous, as he realizes this does not give them much time to work through things out, but feels like they should give it a shot (He should feel more nervous that he’s importing a Lifetime movie villain, but that’s besides the point). 
Mike went to his hairdresser, Jane, to get a fresh haircut in honor of Natalie’s pending arrival. He confided in his hairstylist (as many do), telling her his reservations about Natalie, which include her inability to tell Mike she loves him. Jane seems to agree that this is a red flag, for sure, which only adds to Mike’s pile of doubts. Later on, Mike and his cat Aria call Natalie on Facetime via his tv, making Natalie look like the Great and Powerful Oz. Natalie expresses concern for staying at the house with Uncle Bo, calling him a stranger, as opposed to family. Mike refuses to kick Uncle Bo to the curb, and he’ll be damned if Natalie ruins Pancake Sunday. 

It looks like we are still missing another 2 couples or so, who will hopefully make their debut next week. I’m hopeful for this season and just hope there is more Uncle Bo.