Before the 90 Days of Our Lives, Episode 9

Prince Joffrey & Varya:
After spending another night alone at a hotel, Joffrey met up with Varya the next morning for breakfast at a restaurant that looked to be right out of “Anastasia”, in hopes that she would still want to move forward with their relationship. She’s still mad about the whole prison non disclosure thing, but decided to stick with Joffrey, provided that he first confesses his crimes to her mom and brother. The reunited couple made their way back to Varya’s mother’s house. After some small talk, Prince Joffrey busts out the bad news; he was a drug dealer/ex con. Varya’s mother claims she knew this was a bad idea all along, and now the nipple tats make sense. Brother Varya didn’t seem to condone the relationship either, though he hadn’t yet seen the NT’s. Varya and her family cried and hugged, while Joffrey sat there awkwardly, wondering what the hell they were saying and if he had to sleep alone again. Znippletatz.


Stephanie & Erika not Shmerika:
After running out on Stephanie the night before, Erika resurfaces in the morning with a gorgeous bouquet of Aussie flowers, which Steph threw in the sink to die (symbolllic of their relationship), as they went outside to rehash the same issues for the 705th time. Erika voiced her frustration that Stephanie isn’t even kind of a little gay, though she is a lot jealous. Steph feels like she’s still getting to know her new Sheila, and It makes her uncomfortable. Do you know what feels comfortable?
Holding a damn koala.

Stephanie helped Erika over accessorize to perfection as they prepared to meet her friends at the “let’s make Stephanie uncomfortable ” party. Instead of mingling with the Aussies, guzzling beer and having a blooming onion, Steph spends the night trying to figure out who Erika has hooked up with. Erika looks sad and defeated, which is hard to do while wearing sparkley tinsel. Her friends tried to explain to Stephanie that she is a trustworthy puhson (man do I love an Aussie accent!), and she needs to loosen up, have fun, “No rules, just right”, but Stephanie instead feels….you guessed it! Uncomfortable!! They get in a big fight and ironically, it didn’t make Stephanie uncomfortable to get in a car with tinted windows, alone, late at night in Australia to go back to her hotel by herself. Crikey.

Darcey, just Darcey:
Darcey left the NYC hotel to head back to Connecticut after blocking Tom from every possible outlet she could think of. She sat down with Stacey for a little lunch and twin talk. The tears could only be staved off for so long, and they came flooding back as Darcey talked to her sister, telling her of Tom’s foolery and his fat jokes. It’s hard to say if Darcey and Tom’s “story” is more filler than that used in both of the twins’ faces. Hopefully they’re safely deflating during quarantine.

BGL & Assman:
The couple were disheartened from last week’s “Meet the Parents” fiasco, but decided to make a last ditch attempt for Mommy’s approval. They met up with brother Moohammit (who’s not a “User” that we know of), at the Sokoto Family Diner. BGL, while draped in a purple tablecloth, explains that she truly loves her Sojaboy, and that she’d travel to the ends of the Earf for him (Ok, maybe Robert said that one). She can’t imagine leaving Nigeria without marrying her “destiny” and favorite recording artist. Assman confesses that he also loves BGL, as well as America and it’s economy. Moohammit says he will do his best to try and change their mother’s mind, though he’s not sure if there are enough goats in Nigeria.
In the later portion of the show, we see BGL and Assman head back to annoy Sojamom some more, this time at her place of worship.They met up with Mommy outside of the mosque to wash their hands, feet, and ears (less exciting than Ed’s family bath time, for sure. They didn’teven have a sickly rat). Babygirl and Mommy stayed in the ladies’ section of the mosque and BGL tried to follow along, though even Usman admitted she didn’t do too well. After the prayer service, hoping to catch her in a good mood, they asked again for Mommy’s marriage blessings, but to no avail. BGL was shocked that Mommy was still CAPITAL NO. Mommy told Assman that he shouldn’t bring any more old American white broads to the Mosque, its embarrassing. #savebarney

Avery & Ashtray:
We reconvened with A&A as they ventured via catamaran to snorkel at the Great Barrier Reef. On the boat Avery asked Ashtray more specifics about “Ash Bigalow; Male Gigalo”, aka his relationship coaching career, as she came across 60+ text messages from single women on his phone. He gives her more vague answers, tries to act like he doesn’t have to explain himself, and then slips up by saying hes single now. Avery of course is very thrown by that newsflash and has doubts if their love will last.
Not.one.koala.ever.


David & his laptop:
David is waking up after a sensual evening with his laptop, in the hometown of his obsession, Lana. He logged on to Lanatasia.com to see if his dreamgirl had graced him with at least her online presence. As luck would have it, she had sent him a generic message which sent his heart a flutter. They picked a restaurant for the big meet, and David was on cloud 9.
He went to a local flower shop with a cutout sign of girl in a blue dress outside (possibly the only girl he will meet in a blue dress), and asked for approximately 9 red roses, one for each time she hasn’t showed up on this trip alone. He went to the restaurant armed with the flowers and champagne, sweating profusely and requiring a wardrobe change. After waiting for several hours, and completely out of additional shirts, he realized Lana stood him up, yet again, and sadly sulked out. He left behind the floral arrangement for the waitress, who proudly displayed it near another bouquet from possibly another Lana victim, as the waitress did mention this scenario happens a lot.
Feeling let down, he calls his buddy Jim on video chat, and blankly explains the Lana no-show situation. He then reveals his final plan of showing up to the bogus address.He arrives in a concrete jungle of apartment buildings and heads to the building labeled “Svet Lana 1-25”. He quickly figured out which apartment is hers, and sweated profusely while he was knock knock knockin’ on Lana’s doooor (the likelihood of Guns N Roses opening the door was actually higher) as we all sat at home on the edge of our seats hoping for something to actually happen. We all stared at the number 8 next to the bell with David, knowing full well it would cut to next week’s preview…. End scene. Tune in next week for one of the following scenarios:
A. A fat man named Boris answers the door and says “Lana does not live here” and then messages David an emoji after he leaves.
B. Someone else answers the door and says that no one named Lana lives here and David cries and then makes out with DELL Inspiron.
C. I answer the door, and ask if he wants to help me find a koala. (But eventhough he’s always down for a roadtrip, he’s actually the worst at finding things, so bad idea)

Yolander, party of one? Yolander?:
Yolander is at yet another dining establishment to sit down and talk to her daughter about….you guessed it! Her UKgerian make believe lover, Williams. I wonder if his last name is Sonoma?! That does sound Nigerian! Hmmm….she should get to the bottom of this!
Daughter Karra is completely over her mom’s online love life and is now having trouble deciding between a facepalm or a barf bag when she hears her mother is sending out nudes. I’m so bored watching this segment that I’m actually thinking of using Yolander’s earrings as hula hoops to help pass the time. Karra, please take away your mother’s internet. Love, the rest of the internet.

Missing tonight were Big Egg and Rosemary’s Baby, who possibly contracted a disease from the sickly rat in the flip flops.