Before the 90 Days of Our Lives, Episode 3:

Joffrey & Varya:
During the longest car ride back from the airport ever, Joffrey and Varya are suffering in extreme awkwardness. Not exactly sure why Varya decided to wear a lemon yellow Hillary Clinton-esque power suit to meet her internet love, but it only added to the weirdness.
They arrive at the hotel, where Joffrey will be sleeping alone. Varya tells him that she promised her girlfriends she would stay with them, as it’s too soon to shack up with some guy from the internet. Prince Joffrey does attempts to cut the tension by talking about their awkward first encounter, and gets super defensive while doing so. He seems to almost be getting annoyed with her already, because it’s not an immediate connection.
Before abandoning him in a foreign land for the evening, Varya, who is still wearing a Paula Poundstone circa 1992 blazer, brings Joffrey out on the town for fine Russian cuisine. She insists that he order some beets/onion/herring/mayo tower of terror looking concoction, and maybe it’s all for the best that she isn’t spending the night…..
At dinner, Varya questioned him about his previous relationship and his kids, and he was less than forthcoming with any of that information. This is what happens when you go for the cutest guy that contacts you on Anastasia.com. Russian Red flags everywhere.

Baby Girl Lisa & Assman:
The plane is about to land in the bustling metropolis of Kaduna, Nigeria. But first, we got to experience a day in the life of Assman. On this episode of “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous”, we see Usman wake up and hit the hookah / check his phone to answer all of the babygirls he’s scamming, all the while trying not to disturb the random guy sleeping next to him in bed who turns out to also be named Usman (Is”Usman” like John Smith over there? There seem to be an abundance of them). Assman also shares his quarters with his friend Ahmed the Giant, who must have lost in “Rock Paper Scissors”, and has to sleep on the floor.
Sojaboy, being the super star he is, gets to use the en-suite bathroom first, which involves showering with one bucket and doing his business in another. (Why were his friends waiting in line for the bathroom if they poop in buckets? Like just go grab another bucket… is the scenery nicer in there or something?) Sojaboy tells his friends about Baby Girl Lisa coming to visit, and passes her photo around on his phone for show and tell.
Assman brings the new “goofballs” to the airport to retrieve BGL. She got off the plain with 2″ of grey roots and ran to Assman as fast as her socks-with-sandaled feet could take her! They did seem genuine in their initial moments embracing at the airport, and then making out like teenagers in the back of the car ride to the airport. Assman admitted she had “more belly” than he liked, and made faces to his friends when BGL wasnt looking. They arrive at the hotel, where the new couple gave the Goofballs 2.0 the slip. Production asked Assman how he felt about sleeping with Lisa, to which he admitted that she is not someone he is normally attracted to (perhaps 55%), but anatomically speaking, they have the right equipment to get the job done.They rolled around on the bed, and BGL was clear about what was on her mind. She kicked production out, and probably made him sing “the song ” to get in the mood. Can’t wait for next week, and I wrote my own lyric “Baby Girl Lisa, I will pray for yoooou girl (that you don’t get dysentery and have to use the poop bucket)”.

Stephanie and Erika with a K:
Stephanie is a super cute girl originally from the Czech Republic, now living in Yonkers with great hair. She’s a YouTuber by trade, who sings songs about pizza, and has fallen in love with another girl with great hair, Erika with a K from Australia. Stephanie and Erika not Shmerika had been chatting online for awhile and Stephanie is now trying to decide how to tell her mother she is going “down under” with girls. Her mother is worried about her traveling, due to her rare autoimmune disorder. Nothing too crazy to report with these two, I guess we will have to wait and see.

Darcey, just Darcey:
Darcey hits the gym with extra cleavage to spare. She does a little leg lift thing, lifts some weights, then runs for her life on the treadmill (whoever came up with the idea for this scene should be proud of themselves…genius). While burning calories, she discusses recieving photos of Tom (by way of Stacey’s fiance Florian) and some blonde girl in Nottingham, looking like she might also be getting the key to Tom’s house. Darcey is very hurt and feels betrayed.
……by the guy she isn’t seeing and blocked on Instagram. Stacey picks her up from her workout in her Nissan Altima, and they speed off to sit and trash talk Tom. There’s really no story here, but it’s always nice to see an old familiar face…..well, it’s getting less familiar each season.

Big Egg & Rosemarie’s Baby:
Big egg has made his final descent upon the Philippines and is excited to meet Rose for the first time, as are we all.
We get to see Rose in her natural habitat, which was very modest, to say the least. She and her son live with her sister and her kids in two rooms behind her sister’s store. They sleep on a roll up mattress on the floor (Which will hopefully be the right size for Ed’s fancy sheets), they do their laundry in a plastic tub on the street and there are roosters walking around. (Side note, this place would go for about $2000/month in New York.. they’d list it as “cozy, open concept with friendly neighborhood fowl”). Hopefully Ed, with his experience in kitchen and bath design, will be able to remodel their hot plate kitchen and poop bucket to more of a “rustic modern” look.
After the house tour, Rose pretty much admits she’s in this to start a new life for herself and her son (can’t blame her, I also love indoor plumbing). We also met the family Rosemarie, her sister Maria and their dad, while they all shared a yogurt snack. They discussed Ed’s upcoming visit, and voiced their concerns about his size and intentions.
Finally the moment we have all been waiting for; Rose and Ed see each other for the first time! They both seem happy and excited, though their car ride was not nearly as sexy as BGL and Assman….not many things are. Rose did realize that Ed lied about his height, and that hes a bit more egg shaped in person, but she’s in it to win it.

Avery & Ashhole:
Avery is gearing up for her flight to meet Ashole all the way down under. Meanwhile, we get a glimpse into the life of jackAsh…
We first see him squatting in cold water to attune with nature, or pee in the ocean or something. He shows us an example of his professional life, as he flirted with some woman on video chat. He admits to dating a lot, which is backed up by his local florist (Ash is probably helping put the florist’s kids through college). This guy is shady, blinky, twitchy, and sneaky. We’ll get to see him meet Avery next week, and yet, I am underwhelmed.

Yolandaler, party of one, Yolander:
Yolander sits down in a bougie juice bar to text and video chat with “The Williams’, but no such luck.
Later, while sitting on her air mattress in her bedroom with nothing in it, she tells production that Williams has changed his instagram name and deleted all photos. She still can’t get a hold of him, and we’re all just left to wonder why she is on the show and who would believe this and just why. After all we went through with Caesar, just why. Are we going to have to wait 13 weeks and then the Nigerian Williams will pull a Maria and make an appearance via satellite? Will he go on to hang out with Jesse? I’m growing impatient with Yolander and her purpley blue eyeliner….you’re turning into a Caesar salad.