Before the 90 Days of Our Lives, Episode 11

Prince Joffrey & Varya:
After their camping experience with Igor, the couple went to a “banya” (No, not the comedian who loves Ovaltine) a rustic looking Russian bathhouse. They put on tulip-shaped felt hats and layed down naked in the sauna while beating each other with bundles of tree branches…it was kind of like a “50 Shades of Adam and Eve” type of thing going on. When in Siberia!
Next, the couple went skinny dipping in a lake behind the banya, wearing nothing but the felt dunce caps and nipple tats (luckily they go with everything).
After the dip, still naked, they continued their serious conversation about their relationship and where they saw things going. Joffrey felt very positively about their connection, and Varya responded with “You dazzle me”, which she was directing exclusively towards the nipple tats.
After all of the banya shenanigans, we saw a fully clothed Joffrey and Varya strolling through the Siberian wilderness, drinks in hand, as they stopped at a picnic bench to discuss their relationship ups and downs. He explained that they had been through a range of emotions on this one visit, and he feels like they have such a strong connection. It was then that Joffrey got down on one knee and popped the question!! Varya’s answer?? Znippletatz.
To be continued….

BGL & Assman:
Back on the side of the road, somewhere in Sokoto, BGL is still flipping off Assman as their power struggle continues. He tells her he’s a Housa man and he needs to be in control, but BGL explains housabout you realize you’re marrying an American woman, and it needs to be 50/50 (though she seems to be okay settling for his 60/40 split). Eventually they make up, and head back to the Sokoto Motor Murder Lodge to gather their belongings as it’s time to move on.
In the next scene we see BGL casually eating french fries with a fork in a corner of the chalet suite, as the taxi pulled up to take them to the airport. Babylove claimed to be unimpressed with Usman’s hometown, as they set off on the hopefully more impressive next leg of their adventure. (It’s hard to imagine how she could be unimpressed with Barney, who’s hopefully still in the front yard).They made a pit stop at a gas station where Babylove reminds Sojaboytoy that he hasn’t serenaded her yet for the day (I guess she requires one personally sung song/day, perks of being a momager). He performs on command, singing into his phone via selfie stick, as the hit single “I go dey for you” plays in the background while we watch them board their flight to Abuja. Once they arrived at their destination, the hopeful fiances sat down with the marriage registrar to file paperwork (hmmm this looks like a familar storyline….). The registrar informed Lisa that she would need her divorce papers in order to file for their marriage license, which was Assman’s responsibility, as he was tasked with finding out what paperwork was necessary to make the Lusman wedding (their celebrity couple name) happen. (“The Lusman Wedding” sounds like a Jewish wedding that would take place in a hall in Short Hills, NJ……or Nigeria. For the guests, there is a block of rooms reserved at the Sokoto Murder Motor Lodge with complimentary shower buckets and thankfully Barney is not Kosher.) Hopefully next week we will be saying Mazel tov to the newlyweds!

Stephanie & Erika not Shmerika:
After getting along for one episode, the girls decide it’s time to make things facebook official and tell Erika’s parents they are bisexual. Kudos to Stephanie for being one of the only cast members to bring a gift for her potential mother in law (she didn’t even need to stop at a Goat market or pick weeds on the side of the road). Erika’s parents Simon and Jayne seem like a lot of fun, as they chat with the girls over some Choineese food (love the accents) and ask about what they’ve been up to on their trip. Simon specifically asked if they had encountered any koalas or kangaroos (thank you Simon for mentioning the damn koalas). Erika explained they were having fun and then segued into the topic of Steph being her pahtnah, which her paeents seemed unphased by. After the “coming out” love fest, they were on such a roll they decided they should tell Steph’s mum next. Looks like next week they are back to fighting, being uncomfortable and brightly colored outfits.

Big Egg & Rosemarie’s baby:
It started out as beautiful Palawanian morning, until we saw Ed and Rose in the Sheridan pool. They were playfully swimming and getting close to each other (though I could’ve lived the rest of my life without seeing those close up underwater shots). After pool time, they sat down so that Ed could come clean to Rose that he did not want more children. Rosemarie seemed shocked and hurt that Ed didnt want to be her baby daddy, since he has never mentioned it previously in their extensive 3 month online relationship, and she was even more confused by his description of a vasectomy. She gives him the death stare as he asks “Do you still love me?”
Ed woke up the next morning, alone in his underwear, as Rosemary had run off….presumably to the continental breakfast, stuck in the line for the waffle maker. After searching, calling, and sending up the Rose signal, Ed decided to wait outside in a hot pink shirt so if Rose was in the vicinity, she couldn’t miss him. She eventually surfaces, looking serious and sad. She lays out all of Ed’s extra-shortcomings, ranging from lying about his height, to the embarrassment of the STD testing, to insulting her dragon breath, and then says she is done with him belittling her. Rose leaves Big Egg scrambling to find words, but without luck. Now we have to wait until next week to see if Rose chose Big Egg over fertilized eggs.


Darcy & Thomas:
Darcey puts on her casual, comfortable pleather pants to put together a “I dont care” package containing Tom’s key, destination: Nottingham (good thing Lana didn’t send David the key to HER house, or David might have walked in on that Ukranian man in the shower!)
Tom explains his side of this non-story as “A tale of Two Darceys”; one that is loving, caring, wonderful and refers to all British men as her “007”, and another side that no one can handle, who says “You never loved me, get out of my life you liar!” Though there may be a bit of truth to that, there is a sequel, “The Tale of Two Toms”. “Thomas”, who’s an introspective, thoughtful British gentleman, and “Tommy” who makes fun of you like hes in junior high and calls you fat. If only Thomas and the best version of Darcey could align and leave the other two categorically done and dusted…… nah, still wouldnt work.
We see Tom sitting in a bar in NYC, video chatting with his new girlfriend, who I’m pretty sure is Lana. He claims to have picked her up while working at Fashion Week, (which explains why Lana wasn’t home when David showed up to her house! It all makes sense now!!) He tells her how terrible the unneccessary meetup and note journey through Connecticut were going, and how he just cant wait to see her soon. And then she sent him a sexy emoji and he said “Mmmmm”…….

Yolander, party of one? Yolander?
The reverse image search results are finally back from the lab after a whole week, and what do you know, Williams is a stock photo. Even after the photo evidence, Yolander refuses to believe Williams H. Macy is a catfish and wants to go halfsies with David on a private investigator (Rebecca’s going to be working overtime this month). I’ve seen a few 90 Day petitions go around on the internet but I think we need one for stopping the catfish storylines. No more.


Avery & Ashtray:
Ashole is still throwing his tantrum, as we see him and Avery try to work out their issues by the beach. Avery feels that Ashphault avoids hard questions and is starting to let his true self show after his crappy seminar. Ash feels as if hes being attacked, and that Avery just won’t let anything go. He is shaking, and freaking out realizing that his seminar bomb was going to be televised and he would probably have a hard time getting new female customers, as everyone’s blood sugar was at an all time low after last week. Avery was just focused on the the red flags and getting answers instead of being there for him, and he didn’t even stop to ask see if she needed a sugar boost. Neither of them should hold a koala right now, they’re too worked up.

David & his laptop:
David returns stateside and is sharing tales of his Ukranian experience with his friend Jim, who is trying not to lose all respect for him. Unlike Lana, Mothra was waiting for David when he opened his front door to his late 80’s bachelor pad. His entire house looked like he bought everything from the set of “Full House” estate sale. David explains to Jim that he wants to hire a private investigator to find out the truth about Lana. Jim tries to hit him (like a bunch of leaves at a banya) with reality, but David gets extremely defensive. He later on moves forward with hiring a P.I. (probably off of the same Ukranian dating site where he met Lana).
He invited his Ukranian female friend (and obvious Dog The Bounty Hunter fan) over to translate the findings from the private investigator, which of course turned out to be that David was being scammed. He was combative and thought the only scam going on were these crazy hackers posting provocative pictures of poor Lana on multiple websites. Both his friend and the P.I. tried explaining the scam, but David refused to believe it. He knows hes been talking to “someone” all of these years, and now he need to find out who. In next week’s preview, we saw him back at the airport, hopefully just dropping Yolander off for her flight to UKgeria to meet the stock photo. Waiting for my plot twist……