Happily Ever After; Season 8 Episode 12

Patrick & Thighs:

It was John’s first morning in Brazil and he was already in the doghouse with Thais. While the birthday girl slept, a drunken Brother John decided to eat her cake (with his hands), leaving behind a thoughtful pile of crumbs for her to clean up. He figured she wouldn’t miss the empty calories, seeing as how she wanted to make sure to fit into all of her many flesh colored skin tight bodysuits. 

Speaking of which, we later saw Thighs sporting said fleshy unitard as she got in the car with Pat and BroJo (My new nickname for Brutha john) and tiny baby Aleesi for a 2 hour drive to Father Patrick’s (or, “Joe-Say”) ranch. Pat was hoping to throw the baby’s first birthday party at his casa de papa (That’s his father’s house, Kenny. Get with the program), since there would be a lot of space and a built in petting zoo. John and Thighs formed an unlikely alliance as they both felt JoSay would not be in favor of a family discount, and would most likely require them to do manual labor, bum knee or not.  

As they neared the 2 hour mark of the drive through the open countryside, Thighs announced she needed to pee. Of course this is always quite the predicament while traveling, especially when wearing a bodysuit, which requires full frontal nudity (Though the flesh tone always makes it look like she’s naked. Why not a pink bodysuit?). Patrick pulled over so she could strip down and pee behind the car, hopefully thinking about expanding her fashion horizons. 

After the pit stop, the crew finally arrived at Father Pat’s ranch. They immediately got a tour of the grounds as well as the list of chores and things they’d be required to pay for. The John-Thighs alliance took a stand against JoeSay, insisting that he was using Patrick to make a quick peso (Kenny told me it was pesos there, but he’s usually wrong).  John, who had always had a contentious relationship with his former “stepfathah”, went in hard, telling JoSay that they JoSee what he is doing, and how he has never helped his son. The tension mounted as Josay deflected all of the Bawstun accented accusations, insisting that it was a son’s responsibility to landscape his father’s property. 

Looks like next week is a real dad-battle, as JoSay and Father Thighs meet for the first time, with John commentating. This could actually be entertaining….

 

 

Angela & Mykol:

After Michael’s revelation that he had moved the Visa interview himself to Azerbaijan, Angela was on a rampage. Michael followed her trail of cigarette smoke down an alley, where she was gazing off angrily. He tried to help her calm down, but Angela insisted she was sick of his lying ways. 
Back at the hotel, Angela video called her daughter Skyla to discuss this round of Mykol drama. Skyla still maintained that Mykol has been a “User Moohamit” for the last 7 years, and it’s just not worth the headache anymore. She encouraged Meemaw to break things off now before they moved ahead any further. 
As Anglea brooded over a cigarette in her hotel room, there was a knock at the door. Mykol appeared in an attempt to make peace, but instead endured a Meemaw screamfest, as she insisted he get out of the hotel room. She should have called Baby Girl Lisa to enroll in her “How to Lose a Yahoo Boy in 10 Days or Less” program, but some people just learn the hard way….(10% off with coupon code NoMoreSojaBoy10) 

 

 

Rob the Knob & Dollar Store Daenerys Targaryen:

Rob met up with his friend Tor’i at the gym to discuss his current status with Sophie (Tor’i is pronounced “Tor-ray”, in comparison to the obvious assumption it would be “Tory”. I’m sure he’s annoyed with his“Momm’i” about that one). Rob whined about Sophie’s MIA status, and how his toxic relationship felt very high school. Tor’i was especially bothered hearing that Rob and Soph’a hadn’t been intimate in a very long time, most likely due to the fact that they can’t stop fighting at porn shops. He tried to point out the fact that it seemed like Sophie might be using Rob for her Green Card, but Rob felt if that were the case, she would have picked a guy with more money and more bathrooms (But you know what they say… “Mo’ bathrooms, Mo’ problems. And toilet paper. And you know how Sophie likes to use that toilet paper….).

Meanwhile, Sophie was having a pajama party with her mum and girlfriend Kaye. Apparently Soph wasn’t the only one having relationship problems, as her mum explained her recent breakup and regrets in the love department. She urged her daughter and her fake ponytail not to follow in her footsteps, as she listened to Sophie drone on about the latest Rob drama. The man has baby tarantulas in plastic cups, Sophie. Let him go already…

 

 

Jasmine & GeeKnow:

After last week’s smoothie outburst, Gino and Jasmine still seem to be on the outs. They went to a restaurant to pick up trays of food on their way to Gino Corleone’s Big Fat Italiano family reunion, deciding to have a beverage at the bar as they waited for their order (Hopefully Gino brought a change of clothes just in case). The two argued in yet another local establishment, as Jasmine insisted that Gino was trying to control her, while Gino felt she was ungrateful of his generosity (aka the usual fight)
Things were really rockin’ at the family reunion, and by “things” I mean Uncle Marco’s family band. Gino claimed the tradition was to have real live “Italiano ” music, which was nothing like the ear garbage that was being expelled in the pavilion (I heard no rendition of “Dominic the Donkey”). As they all took a break to “Mangia”, Jasmine began to kibbitz with everyone, as she told them about her beauty pageant aspirations, despite Gino’s lack of funds. She aired out the couple’s dirty laundry, and how she felt like an angsty teenager who needs permission for everything. Cousin Dana (The man’s) wife, Michelle, took Jasmine’s side, fighting with Gino about his willingness to drive Jasmine back and forth to the gym while he’s unemployed and clearly has the time. Gino took the conversation up a notch by mentioning his struggles being intimate with Jasmine due to the couple’s fighting, making this family reunion one to remember. 

After the festivities, Jasmine and Gino (and little tiny Coco) had a chance to talk privately, with Gino bringing up the family-overshare. Jasmine somehow appeared to be the sane one, as she mentioned it was very inappropriate to bring up their sex life at the dinner table. She also confronted Gino on the root cause of their love-life; His addiction to pornography. Apparently nobody loves Gino as much as Gino (Who is more Fredo than ever).

Hopefully next year they’ll have the reunion at the Olive Garden so I can go… because when you’re there, you’re family!

 

 

Ashley & Manuel:

This week, Manuel and Ashley were headed out to a lawyer to discuss the “post-nuptial” agreement to ensure Ashley could keep all of her crystals and tarot cards, should things not work out. The lawyer listened, as Ashley unleashed all of her trust issues with her expressionless esposo, as a translator sat in to help Manuel comprende (I actually might have to pay this guy to hang out with Kenny…translating for him for all of these years has been exhausting.) 

The lawyer practiced diligent note taking as Ashley explained that she was worried about Manuel getting half of her multi-million dollar witchy empire (She’s known in some circles as “The Witch of Wall Street”). Manuel, on the other hand, was furious to find out that he could possibly be on the hook for Ashley’s 100k student loan debt he didn’t know she owed (I guess she got her PhD from Tania’s high priced witch doctor academy). The lawyer assured a sticker-shocked Manuel that he would not be responsible for Ashley’s debt, which made signing the post-nup a done deal. The translator worked over time translating all of the back and forth arguing between the couple, while the lawyer reminded them that he isn’t in fact a licensed therapist (They did that a few weeks ago…seemed to work well). Just a warning to the lawyer- If these two client’s ask to use the bathroom, never touch anything in there again.

 

 

Loren & Alexei:

It has been three weeks since Loren’s mummified makeover, and things just got a bit more serious. Alexei was in a panic, worrying about his family back in Israel after the tragic attacks on October 7th and on-going war. Father Alexei was unsure if he should rush back home to be with his wife, but decided to stay put for another week since Alex still needed help with the three kids.

They called Mother Alexei via video chat to make sure she was okay, feeling totally helpless. Alexei’s immediate reaction was that he should rush back to Israel to help any way he could, but the country might do just fine without him, seeing as how he couldn’t figure out how to work the family washing machine.

 

 

Emily & Kobe:

The two were on their long car ride towards the beach on a romantic date to meet Kobe’s ex-girlfriend. For some reason Emily felt the need to clarify whether or not Kobe was still with said Ex when they had first met, and he had impregnated her in a bathroom in China (We call that the “Ashley/Manuel” method, and it is available as a sperm donation option with Kyle from “Love in Paradise”). The two sat anxiously at a table waiting for Kobe’s ex-girlfriend to arrive, so Emily could get the story from this stranger, instead of her husband.
That was literally the entire scene. Hoping next week Emily gets her clarification as to whether or not her husband and 3xs baby daddy technically broke up with his girlfriend 5 years ago……
Previews for next week show Kobe may have “Thum Thplain’ ” to do, after the awkward and pointless meeting. Way to ruin a beach day!