Happily Ever After; Season 8 Episode 6

Nicole & SoooMaaaachMood:

Back at the impromptu party at Nicole’s pad, Machmood lurched around outside, smoking a cigarette while brooding to try and ease his anxiety. Nicole’s friend Julian tried to have a talk with him, man to maaachman, reassuring the irie Egyptian that the 3” of Nicole’s back that were showing in her dress was nothing compared to the way most women dress in LA (See “Sophie in her spandex wedgie-maker outfits” for reference.). Machmood maintained that he could not let go of his religious convictions and didn’t think he would loosen up any time soon (and unfortunately not with alcohol, which was readily available in the freezer this whole time. Please pass it my way to get through this, thanks.)

Unfortunately Julian’s words of wisdom did little to nothing for MrMood, who went back into the bedroom to stare longingly at his suitcase. Feeling upset by the whole situation, Nicole snapped angrily, instructing him to pack his stuff and go, really showcasing a rarely seen angry trait of the elusive orange-haired praying mantis. Machmood grabbed his suitcase and began to pack, while Friend Julian tried to convince him to stay. Despite Julian’s best drunken efforts, Machmood angrily stormed out with all of his worldly possessions (Including the vintage underwear) to wander the city, aimlessly (Good thing his luggage has wheels…the way that guy threatens to leave every 20 minutes with those string bean arms….wheels are necessary.) 

 

 

Emily & Kobe:

Kobe’s knee seemed to be in bad shape after last week’s game of competitive handball. He and Emily went to some sort of lounge where she unleashed about her conversation with Kobe’s disapproving friends. She made it clear that she didn’t want them coming to the couple’s Cameroonian wedding they didn’t know they didn’t know they were having. Kobe attempted the traditional African man approach, “My country/My rules”, letting her know that he will not tolerate her bothy bith attitude while in his homeland. Emily then confronted him about the rumors she had heard from his friend Valery (the boy…), about having a girlfriend when the couple initially met in China, even though he had claimed to be single. Of course none of this matters since they are married with now 3 children (Well, 2 at the time of filming..), but we need a story here, people. (I still say the entire storyline should be a Father Emily Cameroonian fashion show). 

Next we saw the whole family heading off for a drive and being stopped at a checkpoint, where armed men pulled them over to check their papers. This was definitely a bit of culture shock for the Family Emily, who tried to put their brave faces on as flashbacks of Hotel Rwanda ran through their heads.
After that fun little heart attack, they arrived at a small amusement park where they met up with Kobe and Emily’s friend from China, who’s name was conveniently Valery (the girl….because Kobe exclusively hangs out with people named Valerie). Emily was so glad to see a familiar face in the foreign country, as she was chummy with girl Valerie, who was Kobe’s old roommate.   She sat down with Val for a little girl talk, and complained about the boy Valery’s taunts of her bossiness. Girl Valery politely agreed with her male namesake, trying to gently let Emily know she should take her bossy-ness down a few notches, for the sake of Kobe’s sanity. 

Later that night, Emily had invited all of Kobe’s friends (Valeries #1-5) out to a club so they could hang out and see her fun/less bossy side. As they sat down to chat, the team of Valeries wasted no time telling Emily that her bar invite was yet another Cameroonian wife faux pas. Instead of giving her credit for attempting to get in their good graces, they claimed that she should have instead invited them into her home, with a home-cooked meal waiting. Emily retorted with the fact that she was staying in an AirBNB with small children, but would have gladly whipped up some Hot Pockeths if they were in the U.S., but the Valeries still felt it was a check-minus in their books. One would have thought that Kobe might have warned her that such a meeting was taboo, but he instead looked frustrated, as Emily got angry and stormed out of the bar. I’m guessing storming out of a bar also earns you an “F” in Cameroonian Wife 101…. It’s like playing a game of “African Husband Says”, and Emily is definitely loothing. 

 

Big Ed & Liz:

This week’s segment began with intense dramatic music and a sad, droopy eyed Liz. She told the sordid tale from the night before, where during dinner, poor little Ryleigh didn’t want to eat something called “taco pasta” that Chef Ed had whipped up, as it was too spicy. Ed was rude to her (shocking) and Liz clapped back at him in front of his Arkansaucy family. This seemed to embarrass the Mucinex-Man, who wound up leaving without saying a word, and secretly canceling all of the weddings plans. 

Ed met up with his sister (Who was wearing sunglasses inside due to an eye surgery, and not fashion), where the two discussed the Liz situation. Ed tried to apologize to his sister for having to witness Liz and all of her yelling, especially when it comes to “taco pasta” (Gino and all of his Italian heritage would never tolerate this). He felt that in that moment of taco pasta-drama, he realized his relationship would never work, and that going through with the wedding was a mistake. Ed triumphantly announced he had gotten back several of his deposits, despite Liz being out of the loop that things were over. Sister Ed felt that her very little brother should be with a born again Christian woman in a Godly home, where Ed can say “Oh My God” every 30 seconds and this religious wife would scream “Hallelujah!” from the other room… Wouldn’t that get old fast?!?

Looks like next week Liz and Ed plan to sit down, face to blob, for some “closure” (And hopefully clarification on what exactly “Taco Pasta” is…. That is really all I am interested in at this point).

 

Rob the Knob & Dollar Store Daenerys Targareyn:

Since it was their first morning cohabitating once again, Rob decided to make Sophie a “spread”…a “tempting shmear”, if you will, by slicing up some salmon on crackers, plated with one lone mozzarella ball in the center. He placed Sophie’s wedding band inside of said mozzarella ball as a romantic gesture, because nothing says romance like a mozzarella scented finger. Sophie was impressed by his lackluster breakfast efforts, giggling as she politely pointed out that the “cheesy” ring presentation was not necessary. Upon further investigation, Sophie questioned if the ring was even hers, with Rob assuring her that it was “all goud-a”, because he’s a cheeseball. 

In an attempt to get back in Rob’s good graces, Sophie pretended to be interested in his unconventional pets, which were 6 baby tarantulas. Like, 6 of them. In unsecured cups. Though the only thing she usually liked that was creepy was Rob, Sophie made it a point to step out of her comfort zone and pretend that pet spiders were kind of cool. She eventually agreed to pet one, which earned her major points with His Knobiness. 

After the spider-petting, Sophie went to an arts and crafts session with her friend Kay at a bar, to discuss the current state of her marriage (Hopefully she watched the tarantula cooties off first). As she and Kay whipped up some friendship bracelets to prove their “bestie” status, Kay felt comfortable asking about the intimate details of Sophie’s marriage. Soph revealed that she and Rob hadn’t slept together in about 6 months, and it included Rob requesting she wear costumes (Maybe dress up like Spiderman??). Kay, who is obviously not on team “The Knob”, tried to make Sophie realize that this was all a major red flag (Along with his mood swings, dumb haircut, crappy attitude, and creepy pets). Sophie then opened up about her bisexuality, confessing that she had actually dabbled on the other team years before meeting Rob, but neglected to mention it. Much like the whole “Callum” situation (Who seemingly disappeared this episode), Sophie claimed that her bisexual encounters happened at a very young age (Which is confusing, being that she’s like 23). Kay suggested that Sophie should talk to a therapist about her relationship issues, and probably delve deeper into figuring out her inner workings…. Like why she would possibly want to be a Spider-Mum with his Knobiness who increases in Ickiness every week.

 

. 

Patrick & Thighs:

Patrick and Thais were packing to head to Brazil with the whole family; The baby, the dog, and Brother John. As they traveled to the airport, they discussed the upcoming awkward meeting between Patrick and Father Thais, who hadn’t seen each other since before the wedding. Thais wanted her father to approve of her marriage, since it had now been two years and one baby later. 

Once in Brazil, Patrick loaded all of the luggage into the tiny rental car and somehow managed to drive to their apartment without paying any attention to any and all stop signs, which he felt were more of a suggestion. Thighs called her dad from the car, excited to let him know they had landed, but was probably regretting putting him on speaker phone as he called Patrick a “little ba$tard”. Patrick blamed Thais for her father’s disapproval, citing it was because she hadn’t been honest with him about the couple’s marriage (Sounds like Anali, from Clayton and Anali and the guinea pigs. New storylines please/thanks). The family of three then arrived at their very own apartment, which Patrick explained he had helped his father rent, since he lived in Brazil. It was a special place for the couple, who used to shack up there when they were dating long-distance, before Thais married the little ba$tard. 

After getting settled in and using all of his muscles to assemble the pack-n-play, they were visited by Father Patrick, who just so happened to be in the neighborhood. Thighs, on the other hand, was less than thrilled by the late night visit, as she was hoping they could have the night to themselves to get acclimated. (I’m just confused because didn’t they say the father lived there??). 

I’m just excited to tour Brazil with a Bawstun accent narrating everything. 

 

Loren & Alexei:

 

And back by absolutely nobody’s demand…. were Loren and Alexei. They went over all 10 years of their journey, which now included 3 kids under the age of three. The scene opened at their youngest kiddo, and only daughter, Ariel’s first birthday party (Appropriately mermaid-themed). Loren took the opportunity to discuss her upcoming “Mommy Makeover” surgery with her mother and friends, and was met with mixed reviews. She tried to plead her case for the elective surgery, feeling as though it would help her feel more comfortable with her baby-ravaged bod, and hopefully help her look better in that black resistance band she keeps wearing as a bikini top. Mother Loren was not sold, feeling as though the risks of having surgery far outweighed the flat stomach and better boobs. Loren tried to reassure everyone that she was going for a very “natural” approach to elective surgery- which really just meant she was keeping all of her original parts and not adding any paper or plastic. 

Alexei (aka the “Mer-dad” as notated by his party-themed t-shirt) was busy loading the birthday gifts into the car after the party, as a Mer-dad does. He was cornered by Loren’s mother, who freely expressed her opinions about her daughter’s upcoming surgery, asking for his opinion. Alexei admitted that he was also nervous about Loren going under the knife, but wanted to support her quest for a better bod. Ultimately he promised his mother in law that he would ask a lot of questions at Loren’s next pre op appointment, and try to make her think twice about all of the possible complications. Though Alexei appeased Mother Loren, he did admit the two had a rocky relationship ever since their last round of “Happily Ever After”, when she screamed incessantly at the couple over their idea of moving to Israel. I’m guessing this is going to be a theme or the rest of the season….. I just hope he wears the Mer-Dad shirt the entire time. It’s helping to give him more personality