Happily Ever After; Season 8, Episode 3:

Big Ed & Liz:

Back in Arkansas…
Liz was subjecting her poor innocent daughter, Ryleigh, to a neurotic life with future stepfather Ed. The mother daughter duo attempted to make “breakfast pizza” in the kitchen when Ed came in to ruin the fun. He fought with Liz about keeping the kitchen clean while they were in the midst of cooking, forcing little Ryleigh to have to mediate the situation. Despite their incessant fighting being a clear display that nothing has changed, Ed and Liz claimed they were “working on their issues” and still moving forward with their wedding. 

Speaking of the wedding…. Liz was met by her mom Patty and Aunt? Grandma? (Sorry, I missed the relationship and have no intention of going back) to go wedding dress shopping. Mother Liz was wary of Ed, given all of the breakups and makeups the two have endured (and also just his general Ed-like qualities). Liz started off the fashion show by trying on a whimsical dress with floral appliques, which received “Oooos” and “Ahhhs” from the crowd. Unfortunately the groom-to-be didn’t garner such positive reactions, as Mother Liz expressed her desire to have a chat with him before the two got married. Liz cried, hoping her mom wouldn’t rock the boat, as she collected herself to try on dress number 2; A more form fitting number. Though it was a bit out of her price range, Liz decided to “Say yes” to the dress, feeling like it was the perfect ensemble to become “Mrs. Big Ed” in…….If ever a garment existed.

Previews for next week show Mama Liz giving Ed a pre-wedding “talking to” during a July 4th BBQ, which I’m sure will cause Ed to say “Oh my god” 45 times in a row before making it all Liz’s fault. I don’t like the view…Neeeeeh!!

 

 

Rob The Knob & Dollar Store Daenerys Targaryen:

After red flag # 304,578,659, Sophie decided to head to her joint apartment with “The Knob” to see if they could get along. Rob was waiting inside wearing an annoyingly orange colored polo shirt, presenting Sophie with some flowers he plucked off of a neighbor’s bush. The flowers were on top of a notebook which one would assume contained some kind of emotional letter to Sophie in an attempt to apologize or let her know he was glad she was home. But, since this was Rob we are talking about, the note instead had a list of household chores and ground rules for cohabitation. Sophie was offended by the list, feeling like it was just another example of Rob being rude and deflecting from his wrong-doings. Rob felt justified in his Love Sonnet/House Rules since he claimed Sophie likes to spend hours in the bathroom, using an entire roll of toilet paper per day (It’s not like he can afford a Costco membership…). The two bickered once again with Sophie finally ending the conversation by telling Rob he needed therapy. They loosely hugged goodbye before she left, stating that it would be a bad idea for her to stay while Rob was “spiraling” (Plus Kay lets her use as much toilet paper as she wants over at her house. She can definitely Spare a Square).

Sophie met up with Rob, yet again the next day, though this time he had flowers and a poem. Though the poem did rhyme, it was still awful and by no means made up for Rob’s crappy personality, or lack thereof (Let’s be honest, he probably used AI to write it anyway). Sophie of course thought it was “neat”, and appreciated the gesture, as the two saddled up to go two-steppin’, Texas style. Sophie bragged about Rob’s dancing skills (Which we all unfortunately witnessed at the airport last season), as the two laughed their way through their dance lesson. Things seemed to be going well until Sophie decided to tell Rob that her male friend from England was flying over for a visit. Rob immediately grew jealous, not understanding why a member of the opposite sex would go so far for a platonic hang out.
Looks like next week this mysterious male friend will be swimming across the pond to further ruin Rob’s mood…. While he’s wearing an unbuttoned shirt and exposing his 4 chest hairs. Can’t wait….

 

 

Ashley & Manuel:

Ashley quizzed Manuel on his English skills as they headed to a motorcycle shop for the fun activity of the day. Apparently back in Ecuador Manuel was a regular “Hijo de la anarquia” (That’s “Son of Anarchy”, Kenny, and though his hair is also greasy, Manuel is NO Jax Teller). He felt that a motocicleta would give him the freedom and happiness that his new life in Rochester was lacking, and would also help him make friends (Since…. Everyone always stops to talk to moody guys on motorcycles). 

Once at the dealership, Manuel expressed that he’d also use his bike to see his family that lived downstate in NY, whom he’d never previously mentioned to Ashley. Of course this news made her ears perk up, as Ashley was somewhat concerned that Manuel could run off to be with this mystery family and never come back. The couple perused the bike selection, testing out a few two-seaters, which Manuel immediately shot down (He prefers to ride solo..He’s a loner Ashley, A rebel). Of course his desire to hit the open road alone made Ashley start to hyperventilate, as the two proceeded to fight in front of the salesman (Who kind of looked like “E-Scott” of The Family Chantel). Hope he locked the bathroom door in the showroom!!
After the motorcycle store fight, Ashley schlepped Manuel to a witchcraft store to try and use her bruja powers to make him a better communicator (You get a 15% off discount if you’re a Card Carrying Coven Rewards member). The witchy sales associate suggested giving him a Spiritual Bath, which Manuel seemed to agree to (Maybe because it was hair washing day? Though he always looks like it’s “hair washing day”…). Ashley was hoping that this spiritual dip would loosen him up enough to introduce her to his whole family, including his elusive children still living in Ecuador. 

Next on the agenda, we saw Manuel hit up the biblioteca for some English lessons (That’s the library, Kenny…don’t be worse than Manuel). Unfortunately he didn’t seem to be a star student, as Manuel’s crappy attitude kept him from being able to say much more than “chicken and rice”. 

After class, he headed home where it was time to bathe his spirit. Ashley was ready with all of her accessories in the backyard, having set up shop under her walnut tree (which she claimed were known for sucking up bad energy). Unfortunately the ritual was interrupted by a family of raccoons who had no interest in seeing Manuel naked. As Ashley ushered away the trash pandas, she then doused Manuel with ice cold water. Unfortunately the spiritual bath did nothing more than give him hard nipples, as he claimed he didn’t think his family would accept Ashley due to her Suburban Sorcery lifestyle. Manuel felt his Catholic family would be turned off by her bru-jaja, and hoped he could introduce her without bringing it up in conversation. Of course this was almost unimaginable for Ashley, who can’t go too long without mentioning`w she’s a witchy-woman (Or is it Wit-chay woman?). Looks like next week Manuel might be bringing her to the Catholic church so everyone can scream “I saw Goody Ashley dancing with the devil!!” 

 

Jasmania & Gee-Know:

After last week’s disappointing meeting at the immigration lawyer, Jasmine and Gino went to a cafe to fight in public. Jasmine was super disappointed that Gino had overlooked the proper procedure for filing the Visa so her kids could come over (Guess he didn’t have the proper equipment). She felt it was necessary to hire a lawyer, but Gino insisted that they could still manage things on his own, as he didn’t feel like forking over the $5,000 (Not for nothing…. It’s still less than a butt implant).

Jasmine once again cried, feeling like Gino wasn’t making her or her children a priority. Unfortunately for Jasmine, GeeKnow had become immune to her tears, standing firm in his decision to DIY the Visa. He shouted, blaming Jasmine for not being more involved in the entire process and putting everything on his shoulders. Gino called her something equivalent to a “stupidhead”, expressing that she never appreciates all of his efforts and sacrifices for their relationship, before getting up and heading out of the coffee shop. Jasmine cried, as she once again proclaimed she wanted a divorce and would return to Panama, stat.  

Previews for next week look like a trip to couple’s therapy is in our future….Let’s just hope Baby “Jasmo” wasn’t created last weekend in the tent. Nobody else needs to deal with this. 

 

Nicole & SoooMaaaachMood:

It was their first morning together in the US and Nicole attempted to brighten Machmood’s sourpuss  with some sugary sweet donuts. Of course he complained about breakfast, citing Egyptian breakfast as the best, before heading out to shop on the Santa Monica pier. Maaachmood rejected all of the goofy tourist outfits, claiming they were “Too busy” for his taste as an Egyptian man (Because Egypt > Everywhere). The two discussed his sacrifice for the relationship, having left his free rent at home with his mother to come live off of Nicole. 

As they strolled on the pier, Maaachmood was noticeably having a hard time adjusting. They conveniently walked past a woman in a lavender colored Hijab who apparently caught his eye. Nicole noticed him glancing at the fellow tourist, and felt immediate jealousy. She accused him of wanting someone who is “more Muslim than she is” (Which I think would mean….any Muslim), and said she was going to send his a$$ packing back to his precious pyramids. Maaachmood took off, unable to stand Nicole’s threats, as she tried desperately to call “My Love”, to figure out his whereabouts. 

This happened on day one. We have sooo maaaach more to go, my love. 

 

Emily & Kobe:

Emily & Co. were decked out in their traditional Cameroonian wear as they headed off to meet The Family Kobe. Though Emily acknowledged the fact that her father looked like a Flintstones character and the clothing made her feel like a phony, she decided to go along with it for the sake of making a good impression on her in-laws. 
They drove on for what seemed to be hours. Kobe explained the importance of not making any unnecessary stops as to avoid getting carjacked or robbed, because….Cameroon. Emily and her family began to get super concerned, realizing that they were not in Kansas anymore (LITERALLY. I don’t think I’ve ever used that expression and meant it). 

They finally arrived at The Family Kobe’s house where the entire group were waiting, decked out in blue garb. They danced and sang to greet the shell-shocked Americans, overlooking their over the top fashion choices. Father Kobe was so touched by his son’s arrival that he presented the Family Emily with a mini palm tree of sorts, proclaiming that the couple should have a Cameroonian wedding celebration. Mother Emily was taken aback, unable to think of planning such a wedding on such short notice (Though i’m thinking she already has the perfect dress she could wear). Emily and her family appreciated the fanfare in their honor, and joined Kobe’s clan in dance and song. 

The following morning, the Family Emily awoke in their Cameroonian AirBNB, ready to discuss the logistics of planning a traditional wedding. Kobe divulged that they would need to participate in a “Knock Door” ceremony, which involved preparing traditional Cameroonian food for his family to taste-test. They would then receive a dowry in the form of a sacrificial animal (my personal favorite), though Father Emily was quick to say “She’s on the house!” Emily’s mother-with-the-good-hair felt uneasy about the entire thing, wanting to respect her new family’s culture, but also not feeling right about selling off her daughter. 

I can not wait to shop for livestock, buy more matching outfits, and watch everyone fail Cameroonian home economics.