Happily Ever After, EP 13

Kalani & Asuelu:

Now back in Utah, after the disastrous trip to Washington, Kalani and Asuelu are at a breaking point. Kalani and her mother are in the kitchen (miraculously neither of the kids needed a boob for 5 minutes), discussing what to do about the marriage. Kalani feels therapy is the last option, as she doesn’t want to continue being married to someone who storms off on random buses, stares blankly like a murderer while fighting, and who doesn’t even believe she’d win in a fight. . Mama Kalani agrees, and feels Asuelu presented himself differently in Sam-wa than when he arrived in the U.S. After the kitchen talk, the couple sat down together outside (near the infamous tree where father Low and Asuelu had their first “ass-whooping” conversation) to discuss going to therapy. Asuelu agreed to go, but only if they went to a male, Sam-wan therapist. Kalani reminded him that they currently live on the set of “Big Love” and that might be a tall order, but she would see what she could do. She ended up finding a man therapist with some snazzy blue glasses and brought in Moana to translate. (Sidenote, I think Moana should be in all therapy sessions all of the time. She had a very calming effect and I liked her hair flower).

The session seemed to go well, even with Asuelu saying that he liked Kalani because she was “more biggie” and well fed. It seemed like they left having a better understanding of what they need to work on. Asuelu expressed that he wanted Kalani to try and get along with his family, which means we’re going to get to watch “Show Me The Money: The sequel” next episode. 

Colt-ee & Jess &” My D*ck”:

Jess is still outing Colt-ee’s suggestive photos seen round the world, when he decided to up the ante and tell her that Vanessa is actually now living in the guest bedroom. Jess is in tears, feeling betrayed and lied to, and was even being consoled by Debbie who showed up on cue when she heard screaming. Jess tried to get Debbie to see things from a woman’s perspective, when Debbie confessed that SHE was the one who invited Vanessa to bunk up at the house.  Colt tried his best to apologize, and they had a very dramatic scripted hug goodbye, as Jess stormed off, calling him a “trash man”. Colt was left by himself, taking shots on his couch, probably thinking of his next group text message, “Goodnight, my d*ck”. 

Angela & Michael:

It’s the day before the wedding, and the fiances have yet to make up from the night before. Angela looked fabulous in her colorful wrap dress, as she received her bridal flowers with the grids’ birthstone colors. She was so touched by the sentimentality of the bouquet that she could hardly muster up the appropriate anger needed to scream at Michael for staring at the dancer’s double jointed butt cheeks. After Angela had her cocktail, she and Michael were able to calmly discuss the incident and resolve their issue (for that day).

Next we saw Angela on the morning of her wedding, waking up nervous and excited, with her pineapple ponytail looking extra frizzy. They headed out to the wedding venue, making a pit stop to chat with the Grids via Facetime so they could see the beautiful bouquet in their honor. Angela and Sissy were escorted to the bridal suite to get ready for the wedding. A male hairstylist showed up to style the beautiful bride for her big day. It would only have been fair if Michael would have thrown a fit over Angela talking to her male hairstylist, storming off and screaming “You wanna talk to other men??? I’m DONE!” )even if it was done in jest, but he was probably too scared to rock the boat, and who could blame him?!)

The hairstylist used a flat iron to smooth away the frizz, while a tender-headed Angela yelped with each pass. In between sections, he conveniently rested the comb he was using in his beard (which I’m pretty sure was frowned upon on the Cosmetology State Board here in NY, but must have been part of his practical exam in Nigeria). After all of that work on the frizz, he slathered her hair into a tight bun, accentuated by a crown. Hopefully Angela didn’t light up while he was shellacking her head with hairspray (though she probably has a fire extinguisher tucked away in her bra). Speaking of bras, Meemaw forgot to bring a nude strapless with her and ended up having to wear her green bra with the wedding dress(It was okay, she needed more toting power in case they were handed gift envelopes). Michael’s best man was wearing his fancy plaid pajamas (no glitter penis crown this time), and asked Michael one last time if he was sure he wanted to go through with the wedding, knowing Angela’s temper. But Michael wasn’t hearing any of it on his special day.

Looks like next week we will get to see the ceremony, though the preview shows Angela freaking out when it gets to the “Do you promise to love, cherish, and OBEY” portion of the vows. 

Elizabeth & Undrrrei:

While meandering the Moldy streets, the family Elizabeth comes across a punching game machine which apparently is a popular Moldovan site (it’s a regular Dave & Busters over there! And you thought it wasn’t a fun place to be…..)

Jen brought up the secret meeting with Undrrrei’s friend Murcel, revealing that Underarm was basically forced off of the Moldy Police Force and out of the country. Chuck and the gang seemed to finally understand (which he could have just shared 4 episodes ago and saved us the headache of watching them all). Libby, however, was taken aback, as her already one time husband and soon to be husband-again, had given her a different story. He had claimed to have moved to Ireland to try to make more money (not because a Moldy higher ranking police officer was commanding him to put bologna down his shorts, or else!)

Libby (who’s bun on top of her head resembled a croissant from a Moldovan peasant breakfast) wanted Undrrrei to further explain to her the real deal about his past or else she refused to go through with the superfluous second wedding. Undrrrei, being the sweetheart that he is, responded with “Shut up already and I’ll tell you”, as he further explained that if he had stayed in Moldova and refused to do the bidding of the higher ranking officials, he would be set up and have his life ruined. Libby felt like hearing this exact same thing for the second time really cleared things up, and agreed to wed her baby daddy and already husband for the second time. They hurt my “fots”. 

Tania & Cinnamon:

It’s the day after the cry-braai and Cinnabon and his traumatized family set out to a winery with Tania gimping behind (they better hold on to their cheese platters for dear life if she gets upset…). It must be noted that Tania was wearing the most unflattering high neck shirt, which made her giant boobs look even less attractive, but hey- at least she’s been wearing a bra this season! Synergy’s parents were not shy in telling Tania that she should really think before she speaks (causing everyone at my house to give them a standing ovation. And by everyone, I mean me), as they found her to be insulting in regards to their country. I find her insulting to my country. All countries. Countryroads, Countrymusic, a Chrysler Town &Country, Countryfried steak…..She’s just the worst. Periot.

Next the couple met up again with Synonym’s friends (the one with the glasses and Lord Baelish). They seemed to have a couples’ therapy session over a pint (of course), with the friends really getting into the couples’ issues. Tania explained that she felt Cinnabon should settle down and abandon his hope and dreams faster, while Cinnamon maintained that he accepts her as the terrible succubus that she is. The two friends tried explaining to Tania that Syncinatti had already matured from his former beer guzzling barefoot days in the Bush, and she needed to stop being a control freak and just enjoy life a little more.  They should’ve brought in Moana for this therapy session..…

(I still say they should drive out and leave her at Pride Rock….)

Pol & Kreeknee:

Kreeknee was chipper as ever, nodding out in the car, as Pol drove the family for a little Monday-funday over at the water treatment plant. (Of course this was a dumb idea from production- or possibly Pol’s original idea, but definitely strongly encouraged by production, in reference to his famous “poop water” tag line). Luckily it was a misty day outside, which really added ambiance to an already fascinating activity. Pol did inquire if the water treatment plant was hiring (probably a very Investigation Discovery type of place to work..) but he probably creeped the guy out. (The nice tour guide at the treatment plant doesn’t like to hire the guests…. Because he thinks anyone who visits a water treatment plant is a complete weirdo). 

Noting how miserable Karine is, Paul agrees to take a family trip back to Brazil so Kreeknee can reunite with her family and swim in the authentic Amazon poop water, instead of this American trash water. Pol does fear that once in Brazil, she won’t want to return to their shanty, which seems like a valid concern. The plantains are so much better in Brazil…. 

Larissa-ee:

Larissa is on her way to a bar to meet up with Jess, who has now officially ended her extra squishy relationship with Colt-ee. She feels Larissa would have the most expertise in this arena so she would be the right one to see. Jess mentioned the Vanessa sitation to Larissa, who remembered her as the girl who bought Colt-ee a Groupon (or as she pronounced it “grew-pone”) when THEY were together. Scandalous!

Both Jess and Larissa bonded over their mutual disgust of Colt-ee and the angry inch, and exchanged Best Friend necklaces from Claires. 

(They didn’t need Moana for their session, they did fine on their own). 

Looks like next week there will be TWO weddings, Family Asuelu, and Colt throwing up in a trash can. Can’t wait!