Happily Ever After, EP 9

Colt-ee, Jess & Debbie:

After Debbie’s truth bomb went off last week that Coltee’s friend Vanessa is still in the picture, Jess is rightfully pissed off and went storming out of the hotel. This gave Debbie the perfect opportunity to comfort Colt, and try to get him to forget about Brazilian girls for good so they can live their best Bates Motel life back in Sin City.

But no, Colt-ee wanted to go after Jess to see if he can work things out.

He waddled out towards the elevator to stop Jess from leaving, but she was fast, and ducked out to the emergency staircase. When he finally caught up with Jess downstairs, she was screaming at him and claiming that he was trash, and the only logical thing to do would be to go sleep with her ex boyfriend. Seems like a mature, rational solution…

Colt felt hurt and finally admitted it was his fault (conveniently after he was caught…).

Later on, Jess came back to Coltee’s hotel room, pulling out a move from the Darcey hand book by hurling her shoes at his head. Colt of course (much like Mister Meester) saw his life flash before his eyes. It was a good thing he had his mommy there! Looks like there’s plenty more fighting in store for next week!

Kalani & Asuelu:

After last week’s argument in the car, Asuelu was barely speaking to Kalani. The two seemed to make up and bond over a supernatural experience at the haunted AirBNB. Apparently they both saw a ghost while using the bathroom, or a ghost who uses the bathroom…something about a ghost and a bathroom. Sister Kolini showed up to tag along for the visit with Asuelu’s family (Maybe so Kalani had help with the kids? Maybe so Kalani had someone on her side when the angry Samoans attacked her WWF style?? Maybe production offered to pay for her trip to Washington and she was in the mood for an awkward good time?? Or maybe Option D; all of the above.)

Ka (lani and lini), Asuelu and the wagon brothers met up with Asuelu’s family at the same town square where David met Lana (Budget cuts. Have to reuse locations). They all greeted each other warmly, especially Asuelu’s mom, who thought they were playing spin the bottle.

Kalani felt slightly awkward watching her mother in law make out with her husband, but then she called Debbie, who assured her it was totally normal.

The entire clan wandered over to a food truck place to sample various portable cuisines. Asuelu only wanted “the best of the best” for his mom and sisters, so he just let the nice food truck operators make their professional suggestions. 

It took about 5 minutes for mother Asuelu and the evil step sister to try and cash in. Asuelu was pretty good, standing his ground and offering them $100 along with a feast of food truck offerings. Of course Momsuelu said “me no accept this”, when it came to the amount of money offered, and she countered with a horrible guilt trip. Even his hearing impaired sister got in on the scam, declaring via sign language that $100 is just not enough of a donation. Tammy and Kalani seemed to butt heads (a little foreshadowing for next week’s drama), while Sister Kolini is rethinking agreeing to this free vacation.

Since Asuelu remained firm in his $100 + a side of canned corned beef and a made in Sam-wawa gift store t-shirt offering, Momsuelu was over him. She collected the two evil stepsisters and left.

Poor Asuelu….if he needs a new mom, I have a feeling Angela and Michael might be open to adoption. 

Larissa-ee:

Larissa is still at Carmen’s house trying to figure out what to do about the Eric-ee situation. Though she is worried he could potentially call the police, she decided to go back to his house to gather her things. When she arrived, Eric came out to meet her, still brushing his teeth (we all know Eric is very particular about his oral….hygiene.)

He and Larissa had another dramatic conversation (including Eric “vogue-ing” with his wild hand gestures) amidst his dorm room decor.

Larissa was very hurt at the fact that Eric-ee would share such intimate details about their sex life with random women he had met and doesn’t feel like she will be able to trust him. She revealed that she never took his phone, but rather left it under the bed turned off, smooth move.

Hopefully she moves back in with Carmen and the small dog-ees.

Tania & Cinnabon:

Tania joined Cinnabon to head over to his brother’s place. Being in the car seemed to give Tania PTSD from her car accident (I can relate…I experienced PTSD drinking a cup of tea the other day from watching Tania last week). Once with Brother Dylan, they discussed life in America and how living with Tania isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. (Synergy was notably wearing a wrist brace from a Tania piggyback related injury). The Cinnabrothers hugged it out, and were so happy to be reunited, even if the soul-sucking injured chipmunk cheeks did tag along. 

Next we watched Tania and Synonym’s mom and sister walk around an outdoor shopping area in Cape Town, listening to Tania whine about how Syncinatti won’t do everything she wants him to. It seemed like the family handled her presence pretty well, and luckily they didn’t have to hear her drink tea.

Elizabeth & Undrrrrei:

Meanwhile back at the Moldovan meat chalet….. Undrrrrei and Baby Chuck are still casually threatening each other. Elizabeth just kind of sat there, saying “stawwwp” every once in awhile, and even once did her best Cher from “Clueless” impression, “what-everrr!”( Alicia Silverstone, she is not).

Undrrrei’s brother Ragu chimed in, trying to de escalate the situation, (while his brother Prego was not seen. He’s thick and chunky). Undrrrei suggested Libby should tell Chuck (squared) to pack their chuckwagon and get out of Moldova, but she refused. Elizabeth seems to be questioning the entire second wedding now (not like it even matters, they’re already married anyway). You could almost smell the tension in the room….oh wait no, that was the bologna farts again.

Angela & Mykol:

Last week Angela and Michael discussed their favorite topics (getting mama’s blessing and the possibility of toting) at a monkey sanctuary. This week, they decided to try the same conversation on a boat.

Angela basically tells Michael she would not could not on a boat, she would not could not with a goat. She will not tote them here or there, she will not tote them anywhere. She can not tote an egg for his fam. She will not tote one, Mike I am.

Angela doesn’t understand why Michael is so concerned with his mother’s blessing (or maybe worried Michael is taking notes from the Colt/Asuelu hand book of mother/son relationships).

Once back on dry land, they joined up with Michael’s sister and Aunt Lydia for a little wedding cake tasting fun- Angela’s favorite activity. (Everyone better behave or they’ll be wearing that cake!)

Things were going well until the toting topic came up, and Angela made it pretty clear that she and Michael will be getting married with or without Mama’s blessing (if they keep asking though, shes going to have to get all Dr. Suess on them. also, Dr. Suess is her new gynecologist). Looks like Aunt Lydia is stirring up more trouble with Angela for next week. Hopefully we can see them talk about the same topic in a new, exciting location, like a hot air balloon or something (Or in a box or with a fox).

Pol & Kreeknee:

Kreeknee complained again that Pol isn’t working and if he doesn’t step it up, she and baby Pierre and his baby baguettes are going home to the Amazon prime. She doesn’t like living near the railroad tracks as she feels it’s very noisy. Paul reminded her that while they may not have lived near the train in Brazil, they definitely heard gunshots and screaming all of the time. Pol was upset, because he feels like he’s doing everything in his power to keep a little roof over his little family’s heads. Looks like they’re going to be chasing each other around the trailer park next week…