Happily Ever After, EP 5

Larissa-ee:

Larissa emerged from the Immigration office and returned to the getaway car with Hannah. She explained that she had to have her photo and fingerprints taken, but she’s good for now (no orang-ee is the new black-ee). This was admittedly very boring to watch and I’d much rather see her go on another date…or perhaps speed dating! (Sharp Entertainment.. Please call me, I have unlimited ideas for this as well as a possible spinoff “Larissa: Lookee for Lovee”)

Next we see Larissa practically naked by the pool, talking about how lonely she is, so lonely in fact that she is jealous of Coltee and his new found love. Unable to wait for my Larissa dating show to materialize, she called up her former flame, Eric-ee. They met up and discussed the issues they previously had in their relationship, which included a police report and some drama with girls calling her “cheesy butt” (I’m pretty sure those girls were just referring to Tim from “The Other Way”..). Eric decides to give Larissa another chance despite all of their past drama, and Larissa seems very excited-ee. Take that, Coltee!

Tania & Cinnamon
I felt a cold chill in the air, and then I noticed…. Tania is back with her stupid foot.
She and her girlfriend went to get some super fancy manicures at a boujee spa, which is probably a great idea for unemployed Tania who doesn’t know how she’s going to pay her rent…. (we know no one is buying Tania Cameos, and hopefully Syngie is saving his Cameo $$ for a plane ticket home). From what I could pay attention to through my eyerolls, it seems like Tania is annoyed at Synergy because he’s been drinking a lot to cope with all that is Tania, and she wants to be more serious and move forward with her dreams, whatever they are today. Maybe opening up her own witch doctor school? Maybe a not for profit astrology center geared towards helping people find their real soulmates? Not sure. 
Later on, we see them taking an Uber to an upscale restaurant, where they will most likely be washing dishes to pay the bill. Cinnabon expresses that he’s over Connecticut, America, and possibly Tania, as they rushed into marriage due to the terms of his Visa. Do you think he’s getting sick of Tania? I know I already am…

Coltee & Jess & Debbie:
It’s finally time to watch Colt and Debbie head to Brazil. This being Debbie’s first time abroad, she was super excited to try the airport Panda Express (who wouldn’t be! Always an adventure…), as they traveled 14 hours together to their destination. Afraid of her son making another snap decision to get married, Debbie warned Coltee that “if he like it but she didn’t like he better NOT put a ring on it……” but Coltee just thinks his mom is being a Debbie Downer, and should give Jess a chance.
Once they arrive, we see Jess and her oversized glasses yet again waiting for them at the airport. She greeted Colt warmly and just kind of looked at Debbie, waiting for Colt to make the big introduction. Debbie described Jess to the cameras as “a cute girl…. Voluptuous”, which definitely doubles as a descriptive for Colt, so I guess that’s another thing they have in common.
The car ride to the hotel was super awkward as Jess openly announces she needs alone time for sex, right in front of Debbie (she could have at least used the Portuguese word “Sexo” so Debbie didn’t understand what she was saying…). Colt randomly started mentioning their imaginary children and the names they’ve picked out (Katarina because….sounds like cats, and Dominic, because it sounds like dominatrix), just to add another layer of awkwardness. 
When they arrive at the hotel, we see that Colt booked only one hotel room, so they could presumably play “Three’s Company”. Debbie seems to be extremely exhausted and grossed out by the PDA’s she’s witnessed in the car ride over, and just wants to go to bed. She gets a little snappy with Jess (Maybe Ash was right, her sugar must be low…) and Jess explains that she feels slightly uncomfortable fornicating with Colt (as one should) with Debbie in such close proximity. Colt assures her that Debbie is hard of hearing and it will be totally fine. I hope for her sake he slipped some benadryl in her Panda Express…

Elizabeth & Undrrrrei:
Back in MOLDova, it’s breakfast time, which means another round of room temperature bologna farts and cheese for me and my friends! Unndrrrrei watches his mother serve breakfast like a downtrodden cafeteria lady, and makes some kind of comment to Elizabeth that she should be serving him like this at home (I guess he’s been hankering for more pimento loaf?). She shoots back mentioning that she’s the one bringing home the Boar’s Head (you may even call her the Boar’s Head- of-the-Household, which is officially what you call the breadwinner in Moldova. I googled it), but Underrrrpanties continues to stir the pot. The whole chauvinist shtick is at an 11. They’re both such bad actors, and his poor parents are better off not having all of this stupidity lost in translation.
They hopefully took some Tums before heading out to the bar to meet up with some of Undrrrei’s Moldy friends. For the most part, Unndrrrei spoke in his language, leaving Elizabeth feeling left out, though she was able to discuss a few things with some of the other wives (she should’ve asked if traditional Moldovan housewives also breastfeed in pools, or do they just liquify cold cuts and serve them in a bottle?) . On the car ride home, Elizabeth was discussing the fact that she was nervous about her family coming over and how they will be received being that they are (to quote the famous Mother Chantel) “Stupid Ammerrricaaans”. Undrei is all revved up and ready to let the drama flow like Moldovan wine (which is one of the only things they make in Moldova. I googled it). Hopefully things will get more interesting once Chuck & Co. show up.

Pol & Kreeknee:
Paul wanted Karine and baby Pierre to come for dinner with his mom to try and negotiate his way back into her house, but Karine wasn’t budging from their now filthy hotel room. Paul went alone to meet with his mom, who was all gussied up with her typically sweaty bangs feathered and fluffed to perfection. She was disappointed to be dining alone with just Paul, and told him to stop using the baby as leverage. She again refused to help them or let them live in her home, though she said she was willing to babysit (she’s practicing tough love since nothing else has worked in the last 36 years).
Next we see Pol and Kreeknee at the grocery store, with Paul working overtime to try and convince his wife that she wants to stay in the U.S. by showing her the amazingness of Kroger’s (The Krogers sign was blurred, most likely because the store did not want to affiliate with Pol). As per usual, Karine was unimpressed and unenthused. Paul then drove his family to a trailer park to look at potential places to call their own. The first trailer they saw was presented as a bit of a fixer upper. Though I feel like this could really be their big chance to be the next trailer park Chip and Joanna, they didn’t seem interested in the DIY aspect. The second option was a nicer trailer, but Karine snubbed her nose at that as well, storming off with baby Pierre and his baby beret, and telling Pol he sucks. I will hand it to him that he has been trying harder in his first 48 hour return to the US than he has for like 5 seasons, but he’d better deliver and fast.

Kalani & Asuelu:

It appears the bus to Samoa only looped around the mall parking lot, because Asuelu is back the morning after the big fight. He spends the morning locked in his bedroom screaming “you’re not my real mom”, at Kalani, as she and her family are having breakfast together. Just the fact that Kalani’s dad has joined the family AirBNB should be scaring Asuelu straight, but he’s still carrying on. Kalani’s mom made her husband pinky promise not to body slam his son in law and bury his body in the desert on the drive home, at least for the duration of the trip, but he’s fair game afterwards.
A few friends and family came over to celebrate Oliver’s birthday, while Asuelu was still holed up in the bedroom. Eventually Father Kalani took his man-child-son-in-law aside up the fear factor, and with his raspy voice sounding extra Godfather-y, it seemed to work. Asuelu joined the group reluctantly, though he did wear his appointed on-theme “Gravedigger” t-shirt, which was a little foreshadowing, if he doesn’t get his act together.

Angela & Mykol:

Angela is packing to return to her home away from home- Nigeria, and making sure to bring all of her wedding gear along. She checked in with her gravely ill mother one last time before heading off, making sure she had her blessing and promised she would be checking in every day via satellite. 
Once in Nigeria, she gathered her luggage (with the random stickers that I’m guessing the “grids” put on), and headed out to meet Michael who was excited his “woo-mon” was back in town. They headed back to the apartment Michael had picked out for them for this trip, so they could experience a bit of everyday life together before the wedding in three weeks. Angela seemed to really like the apartment, except for the concrete mattress and dead rat in the middle of the kitchen floor, (I think due to budget cuts, they had to use the same rat from the Philippines). So far it seems like they’re off to a good start, though the previews seem to be toting trouble for next week…