90 Day Book Report; Season 7 Tell Alls (plural)

Overall, I felt that the host did a way better job with this Tell All than with the last one. She asked better questions, and tried to hold the cast to answering them. However, what the hell was the point?? The majority of each episode was re-watching old footage and having a commercial break with a 2 minute preview of what would be shown after the break. Take all of that away, and we would’ve only wasted like 35 minutes of our lives watching this. Here are some of the highlights….

Metamucil was seen at the beginning walking the streets of NYC using Anna like she was his Seeing Eye dog. Anna was wearing a black dress with an all-over floral print that was everywhere, except her right boob, which maybe was intentionally left out so she could nurse Murcellulite during the 3,000 commercial breaks. He was clinging to her like a scared baby the entire time. They were reminiscing about all of their cute early moments in the season, along with the clip of Anna’s kids saying that they “heard them” at night. Anna suggested they might have heard the headboard tapping, or as Mucinex described it: “Shuk-shoop, Shuk-Shoop”, which must be a common Turkish onomatopoeia for “jiggy- jiggy”. Anna was grilled on the fact that she was so certain Metamucil was “the one” even though he doesn’t speak her language, while he sat there furiously playing with his prayer beads like they were a fidget spinner. The couple was asked if they had anything else that they were hiding from Mussel’s family, and Anna admitted that they would like to have a child, but would have to use a surrogate as she can no longer carry a baby. Pretty sure Mursupial can just carry one in his man pouch.
Anny and Robert were asked how they could possibly “shuk-shoop” when Bryson is sleeping in the bed, and they confessed to using every other surface of the apartment that was shuk-shoopable. Let’s hope there’s never a need to use luminal in that place for any reason- it’ll light up like the 4th of July! Robert seemed to have taken a real leadership role during the Tell All, holding everyone accountable, especially Tania, and he handled her pretty well, all while sounding exactly like Tracey Morgan. Grandma XXX and Grandpapa were brought in via satellite for the drama factor, but nothing new was brought to light there. Just more rehashing the conversations with Annie from the season, which seemed pretty contrived anyway. Anny did express some concern with her ability to get pregnant, but if there’s anyone that could make that happen for her, it’s Robert. He has an excellent proven track record. One team, One dream.

Angela volunteers the information that she and Michael shuck-shooped 38 times in 2 weeks, which sent Natalooshka’s bug eyes into overdrive.  I thought Angela was really well composed for the majority for the first Tell All, and only really went into beast-mode when the Goofballs called her “trashy”.  She didn’t fight with any on-set cast members, so I think that showed a lot of personal growth. There really wasn’t anything new that was discussed about her and Michael’s relationship, other than difficulties of having the visa denied, and having to be a single taxpaying MeeMaw.  I really appreciated the way she and Robert played off of each other, asking questions to the other cast members. I think they should cohost a daytime talk show together. It would be like Jerry Springer meets Brian Fellows; Safari Planet from SNL (if you’ve never seen that skit, play it on YouTube with your eyes closed. You’ll think its Robert talking).

When it came time to roast Tania, Shawn Robinson actually did a decent job.  (Not a GREAT job, but passable. I would have been relentless, personally…).  She harped on the fact that the world thought it was messed up that Tania left Cinnamon for 1/3 of their time together, pre-wedding.  The other couples chimed in saying how they could never leave their partners, passive aggressively throwing digs at Tania. Syllabus was pressed on the topic of his career path, and he seemed very resistant to doing any type of job of it isn’t something he really enjoyed (which may or may not include working on his inner peace). He took the opportunity to showcase his opera skills, and could possibly be the 4th tenor.  I was impressed, and he already has the whole Phantom of the Opera haircut, why not!? Cinderblock was also questioned about his thoughts on Tania’s baby timeline, to which he admitted not to be too sure if that was something he was even interested in doing. I guess he just wants to live in a shed, wear matching necklaces, sing opera when he feels like it, and see where life takes him.
Tania came scooting into the “Tell All” with her broken foot, because no one expected it. Hopefully, with the right concoction of witch’s wart, eye of newt, and dragon’s blood, her foot will heal.
I reluctantly must give credit where it’s due, so I will say that Tania looked nice at the reunion, props to her hairstylist (though that one piece in the front kept separating from the others and driving me crazy), and she actually has great skin. She tried her best to deflect and explain the whole soulmate fiasco, but none of the other cast members were letting it slide. Robert and Angela truly deeply believe in that, and they were all over her like pink on a t-shirt about it. Tania just kept digging herself a hole, and even Cyngi Lauper wasn’t coming to her aid. Tania tried to periodically interject in the other couple’s discussions, offering advice, but was almost exclusively shut down by Robert.

Saschisimo was quite the chatty Cathy for the Tell All, not that most of it made sense. He and Emily were questioned about when they met, seeing as Sasch was married twice before. We all know it didn’t work out with his first wife because she got sick of how cute it was being “Sascha and Masha” all the time, but now we learned that he did meet Emily while he was with wife number 2. Emily admitted to having low self-esteem post-partum and feeling like she was struggling to meet her fitness goals. Betsy came in on the big screen, acting salty towards the Sachinator, and cause a bit of tension. Tania tried to jump in and support Emily while she was discussing her low self esteem, but everyone just kind of blinked and ignored her.

Juliana and Michael had a very lovey dovey segment, and kept things pretty positive. They did touch on the fact that Juliana’s family are more or less using her to harvest the American Dollar, and fund Uber Amazonia, which is sad. The focus was more or less on Sarah and Michael’s divorce, and the reasoning. Michael did his best to try and explain it, though he mostly just squirmed in his seat while Sarah looked on, sneering and holding Juliana’s hand. Bizarre. Max and CeCe came out, adorable, but I thought when they asked which couples were their favorite, it was super inappropriate. Should they be watching the show, save for their parts? Do they need to know that Michael and Angela Shuck-shupped 38 times? Do they need to know their dad suggested he and his fiancé make limo porn? Call me old fashioned…..

Blake rolled up like the love child of a late 90’s Backstreet Boy had an affair with a vampire. I just don’t get it. At all. Jasminion said very little, even by her standards, even when being questioned about her lack of social skills, blaming it all on Finland. The next time someone accuses me of anything, I’m just telling them I’m from Finland. Next time someone invites me to something I don’t want to attend, Im just going to roll my eyes and say I don’t feel like it. It’s ok, I’m from Finland. Logic.
Her trout pout was looking extra buoyant, and her eye makeup was weird. Not Blake wearing blue contacts weird, but weird. They added nothing to the entire episode, and may as well have been off working on their inner peace.

And lastly, there was Big Mike and Natalie Golden child. Was it just me, or did something about her look completely different? I wasn’t sure if it was her teeth, or the poor lighting making her eyes look purple or what, but SOMETHING was different. The big question of the night was if these two are still together, and who has custody of the stuffed unicorn. Natalie was still playing games by redirecting the questions she was asked towards Mike. Mikey sat there, acting kind of like he was afraid to tell the truth. Apparently the whole Natalie “I can’t say I love him” thing was a reaction to an incident that took place awhile before, when Mike Bunyan slept over at a female friend’s house. It was supposedly the night before this woman’s wedding, and being that he was her “best dude”, he spent the night. They gave no further information, the story went nowhere, and Natalie tried to somehow make it seem that her attempts to indoctrinate Mike into the Church of Fatal Attraction were because of this bizarre incident. This whole scenario made no sense, and Uncle Bo never even bothered to show up with pancakes.

This concludes season 7 of 90 Day Fiancé, the longest one yet. On to the next!