Before the 90 Days of Our Lives: Tell All Part 1 & 2

Caesar & Maria via Satellite:
Caesar on the Tell All mostly just tried explaining himself to everyone and defending his decision to stay committed to his imaginary friend Maria. After each cast member had a chance to act like a therapist, trying to talk sense into him because they are all CLEARLY qualified, the host announced Maria was coming in via Satellite. Caesar was nervous and distressed, though I’m not sure why. She doesn’t really seem to pretend to care too much, and is pretty upfront about just wanting money. The only explanation to Caesars departure from reality and blatant stupidity is over exposure to acrylic fumes.
Caesar didn’t know what to do during the Angela attack. He tried to sit up..then he sat back down..he tried to book a last minute flight to Mexico….

Jiminey Cricket & Pao #2:
These two are so much boring, because nothing ever happens between them. Basically, Pao 2 and everyone else in the world questioned Teen’s sexuality and genitalia, and he laughs it off. Snooze. Pao 2 was asked what she would do if Tim showed up to the airport wearing her face on a t shirt, and she said she would have thought he was a freak. Of course this makes Rebecca so much angry, as it was Zied’s method of expressing his love so much.
Teem……is like your best girlfriend. Sitting in the green room with his legs crossed tight, standing up for his best girlfriend Darcy against Jesse. Little did he know that a storm was brewing….hurricane Angela!! It must also be noted that Teem’s hair looked like a tidal wave crashing into his forehead.

Angela & Michael:
At the part one Tell All, Angela rolls up, straight out of the shower, using her boobs to carry her phone, wallet, and cigarettes, giving a new meaning to the term “tote bags”. She probably carries around juice boxes and snacks for Michael in there, which would explain why he said he’d miss her boobs 🤮
Angela was so protective over Jesse back in the green room, she was ready to fight for right-ness! The whole green room scene was so insane. Basically, Jesse showed up and Tim & Avery were questioning his motives for being there and defending Darcy. Angela, being a beacon of morality and fairness, thought it wasn’t right, so she burst in like the lemon-flavored Kool-Aid man and screamed at everyone. When Angela looked at Ben and said “were you involved in this?” The terror in his face was priceless…😂 amazing. I love her yellow shirt with the black bra, her passion, her enthusiasm, her ability to stand for what she believes in…. shes a role model for us all. They should even make a Barbie in her likeness, complete with a pack of Marlboros, a straightener, a hard-boiled egg, and a throwin’-cake as accessories in the box….or maybe in her bra.
Angela ripped Avery a new one, although she accidentally told her to “respect her elders”, implying that she was in fact an elder.. oops.
While on stage, Angela and Tom were voicing concern over Avery’s wise idea of moving to Syria. Avery, knowing absolutely everything as one does at 19, continued to talk over Angela. This so much not good. Skyla made a few appearances, reassuring us that nothing her Mama says surprises her, and that she has no plans to loan out her eggs. Angela seemed pretty determined…I’d make sure to sleep with one eye open and keep all of the vacuums with those hose attachments locked up if I were her in case Angela gets creative. #redneckingenuity

Avery & Omar:
As a whole, the Avery/Omar story was pretty boring throughout the Tell All. It was only interesting when the other cast members called her a child and made her cry off her highlighter. Its cruel, but in a way, it would have been fun if Angela was Avery’s new mother on an episode of “Wife Swap” when she first said she was converting and moving to Syria. There would have been an Avery-shaped hole in the wall that Angela would’ve thrown her through during “rule change” week.


Ben & Quinoa:
Ben was pretty much a nerd in a chair for a majority of the Tell All. His only real highlight was when he looked terrified of Angela, and then later cried about his encounter. Quinoa did not seem so much in love when she showed up on the screen, emasculating Ben and telling him to lose weight. I was not a fan of her hair and she could have at least put on a little lipstick.
Fidel shows up, just to scare the crap out of everyone as usual. At one point, Ben finally asserted himself, prompting Fidel to say”That’s the kind of man I want!” And I just had no idea that’s what Fidel was looking for all this time. Very much a highlight for me.
I’m pretty over family Quinoa, hopefully they’re not on next season.

Darcy & Tom:
Darcy and Tom came out, not sure of their relationship status. Tom seemed to think they were still talking, while Darcy thought they were already happily married with 3 kids and a vacation home in Florida. Tom’s sister, Peppa Pig, coming in hot being a real C-U Next Tuesday…. wow. I’m not sure what qualifies her to become a relationship therapist, especially since her idea of the good foundation of every relationship is knowing your partner’s favorite color. The stunning truth about Tom being engaged twice comes out, causing Darcy to get whiplash.
Darcy and Stacy were both wearing formal gowns incase there was a slight chance anyone had an engagement ring laying around and felt like randomly proposing. (Let’s not put anything past TLC these days! They’d probably stage that, no problem).

Jesse: (Do I give him his own category?)
Cue Jesse..rolling up with his guy-lites, looking as constipated as ever. TLC wins the most shady award for bringing Jesse back for absolutely no reason other than to break Darcy’s brain.
I’m here for it though!
Between this move and Maria showing up to the party, this Tell All was well crafted.
The Jesse update montage video was the best thing of all time. Why was it filmed in theshower?? 😂😂😂
Host: “Jesse, what’s been going on with you because absolutely no one asked?”
Jesse: “well let me just film myself showering and I’ll tell you all about it”
Jesse is now coaching seniors on life and love. This has to be a joke. Orrrr hes shopping for someone on their death bed to marry to get citizenship. The Jesse segment was next level quality television.

IN CONCLUSION….
This season was the biggest shit-show to date. Let us never forget D.J. Doug. Amen.