90 Day Book Report; Seaon 7, Episode 10

Mike & Natalie:
Big Mike and Natashkala sat down post-fight to discuss their relationship status with the production crew. When asked if she loves Mike, Natalie was quiet….she did an RCA puppy head tilt….she gave a few weird responses that didn’t make sense…. she did an exorcist move with her neck…..she pretended not to remember the question at all. Her final conclusion after all of the squirmy awkwardness was that there are “good parts” of their relationship, but most women are unsure and if she said she loved him it would be a lie. If she just needed someone to make a baby with, she really missed the boat; Sascha left the region for the U.S. like 3 episodes ago. But had she given more notice, I’m sure he would’ve been down. (Just for fun- who’s baby do you think would be “More Bigee”: Bigee Mike or Saschisimo?)
This made Mike so mach angry. He called the time of death of their relationship, and started to pack. Natashala, with her flare for the dramatics, threw her ring into his suitcase and sent her mother to “time out”. Mike was ready to go back to Squeem and be the tallest guy there once again. He had a heart-felt goodbye with Natooshka’s mom, and was on his way out the door. In the final moment, Natalie asked him to apologize (eventhough she was the one who couldn’t say she loved him), and he bent his head to walk through her doorway one last time on the way out. He folded himself into some tiny car, and back to Uncle Beau.
Only the lone (black market, stolen from Karine’s apartment) unicorn doll on the bed remains. End scene.

Angela & Michael:
Angela in Nigeria is my favorite thing on television. It’s actually one of the few reasons I still have cable. I’m so glad she took her third trip back to her home away from home to visit Michael, and get to the bottom of his visa denial. She strutted her stuff through that Nigerian airport like she was the mayor. Michael was there to get his “Angie-baby” and the lone egg, and they drove off into the sunset.
In the car, Angela started asking more in depth questions about the Visa Interview and of course- Michael had some ‘splainin’ to do! It must be noted that the yellow tube top she was wearing in conjunction with the poorly placed camera angle was not doing Ang any favors. It was making “the girls” look a little Tania-esque and lumpy, though those lumps could have been a phone charger, a pack a marlboros, second hand edible undies from Caesar, or a variety of other totable items.
They arrived at the Lagos Travel Inn where she must be a VIP by now, and Michael presented Angela with a beautiful gift; a personalized clock from vistaprint (I hope he used the coupon). I’m wondering if he showed the clock at his Visa interview …..
Michael took Angela out for breakfast to the Nigerian version of Denny’s, but the “grand slam” breakfast translated to a fish with teeth and a tongue.
Angela is sticking to her guns about appealing the Visa denial and not getting married In Nigeria. She can’t even be persuaded with cake.

Anna &Metamucil:
Anna is packing up Merekat’s gear to ship him back, return to sender. Muscles returns to Anna’s house for another cry-fest, wearing his man purse. He greets Anna awkwardly with a hug and keeps saying his favorite things like
“Chalky turd” and “I love you Anna”. There was a lot of awkward crying, more kneeling in front of chairs and couches….and then the featured “I want to kiss you/I want to punch you” line we’ve had to watch on the previews all week. Personally I thought his best crying work was in front of the dining room chairs in episode 9. They should have a photo series of Metamucil crying in front of a variety of style of chairs; Danish modern, Overstuffed, Wing backed, bar stool…….It could be like a photo series in an art gallery somewhere entitled “Turkish Bee-Keeper Crying Amidst Furnishings”.
ANYWAY, Anna drives Mucinex to the airport and they embrace as he is about to board a plane of his own free will to return to his disapproving parents. I’m still confused.

Julianna & Michael:
Episode 10 starts out post-prenush (thank the alien gods we’re done with hearing about that!) with Julianna riding her brand new shiny bicycle in her couture skirt. Between the rock climbing outfit and now the bike riding outfit, someone needs to give her a chart of appropriate fashion for every ocasion.
Julianna’s first stop on her 2020 cycling tour was of course to her fiance’s ex-wifes house to have an in depth conversation about her entire life. From this we learned that Julianna struggled as a young model, moved home to Brazil, and joined a church-cult (possibly where she met Natalie). The church convinced her to marry an older male member (with the fear of going to “the hell”) and things got bad quickly. She returned to yacht modeling, met Michael and the rest is history. Later, Sarah picked Julianna and her hoop skirt up from the side of the road to go to her dress fitting (guess the crinoline was too big to fit in her bike basket).
Can’t wait to see the three of them get married next week!

Fresh prince and Jazzy J:
Jasmin smiled.

Ok there was more I guess…..
Jasmin was preparing to attend Blake’s performance for the first time. Apparently it takes princess Jasmin 4 hours to look like a 90’s tween; braid her hair and put on some makeup, then dress herself in her Fashion Nova finest. She did, however, briefly smile in this segment. Forget that it was because she was insulting Blake when it happened, it still counts. We got to add a few more things to the list of what Jasmin hates (besides seasoning, talking, puppies, kittens, sunshine and rainbows). Turns out she also hates sweat, alcohol, loud music, and socialization of any kind. She and her sister Jeanette took the furthest booth in the back to watch Blake perform some kind of rap music in a mask. Jasmin was questioned by Rita, the official band girlfriend wearing hot pants, who is not a fan of the ice queen.
Later in the episode, Blake’s friends try to have a mini intervention about his future with Elsa, and every single week they’re sooo boring. Next!

Tania & Cinnamon:
::::::::Takes a deep breathe::::::::
Seems like Voodoo summer camp has come to an end, and Cinnabon heads to the airport to retrieve Tania. Upon seeing her at the airport, he leaps over the barricade for a romantic embrace, while Tania cackled and lovingly sniffed his armpits. Apparently sniffing his armpits is her “weakness”, and she also enjoys that he feeds her apples baby bird/mama bird style. (I guess they don’t have cutting utensils in le shed).If they ever need a follow up show to go on after 90 Day ends, I hear “Strange Love” is casting……

The car ride home was hard for everyone. The two had a deep conversation in the car about their future, while wearing matching “Naked and Afraid” necklaces. We learned that Tania is “like, craving stability and stuff”. The only stable, constant thing she has had in her life is the pink t-shirt. But she now has Syngerella, who doesn’t like the idea of “working for the man”. Tania fancies herself as super-serious, focused, accomplished, and goal oriented (conveniently forgetting she was incapable of tidying up a shed). She continues to trash Synonym’s ambition, belittles him and probably swirved a lot while driving. She worries that he isn’t serious about the future like she is……after she came back, unemployed from witchdoctor voodoo jungle camp to move back into the shed. Sure, Jan.
#OperationSaveCinnamon
Just when you think she can’t get any worse, you see the preview for next week

Robert and Anny were absent this week, but most likely fighting over something stupid in a public place.
Emily & Saschinator were also missing, but were probably eating lean protein and squatting somewhere. See ya next week!