Before the 90 Days; Season 8 Episode 17

Elise & My Beautiful Boyfriend Joshua:

After the embarrassing bar outbursts last week, Elise was unsure where her relationship with Joshua stood. She was hoping he’d forgive her for being a psychopath so they could have a fun little day at the zoo (which may still have sharks that he could feed her to). The two roamed around the zoo, stumbling upon an adorable koala, who wanted even less to do with Elise than Joshua. They stopped to talk over their issues, as Elise tried desperately to try and make Josh forget all about her bipolar rampage (She really only has 2 things going for her, and they’re both trying to escape from a variety of colored spandex she wears across her chest).
In an attempt to keep things on the right path, Elise rented an AirBNB for the two of them to stay without roommates in the romantic setting of the Blue Mountains. They arrived at a rather large house, where she noted they would be able to “have sex in all of the rooms” (Which I guess meant her whole “not leading with sex” idea was out the window). Elise tried her hand at playing Suzie Homemaker by attempting to mix a bag of salad, but instead wound up squirting white salad dressing all over her face like a real class act. In addition to the salad debacle, Elise also undercooked and watered down some pasta, which Josh managed to choke down without complaints.
After having a lighter, low-drama day, Elise felt comfortable enough to mention that she’d like to meet Joshua’s son, so she could feel like she was a serious part of his life. Josh claimed that his son had moved far away (And if he hadn’t really, he probably should. I wonder what color bikini top she’d wear as a new Stepmommy?!)

Laura, Beercan, & Michael:

Beercan sat pensively staring at the water, as he mulled over the new information told to him by Michael during their “man hangout” last week. B.C. wasn’t sure how to handle the fact that Laura had put the moves on Michael in the past and neglected to tell him about it, even though nothing ever came of it. As he sat and pondered (With his internal monologue being the voice of “Scarface”), Laura plodded over to his waterfront bench. Beercan confronted her about her lack of transparency in regards to the Michael lip-locking situation, which she felt wasn’t even worth mentioning. The Man-Can hurled some nasty comments, including telling Laura to “shut up” and saying he wished the two had never crossed paths. After the disastrous bench meet up, Laura headed over to Michael’s hotel to get his side of the story. Michael claimed he let Beercan in on the little interlude because he was scared old Scarface thought he was trying to steal his girl. Michel then reiterated a few times that he had no interest in Laura romantically, and just hoped she was thinking her relationship with BeerBong through clearly. Though it seemed like B.C. needed a Laura break for the moment, previews for next week’s saga show he agrees to meet with her, as long as she brings food. And hooka.

Forrest & Charlie Sheen:

Back in the ‘Peens at the romantic resort…. It was time for Forrest and Sheena to have a romantic spa treatment where they were clothed, tied up, and wrapped in banana leaves, rendering them more useless than usual (It kind of reminded me of those Anne Geddes photos of the weird babies from the ‘90s). As they marinated like human stuffed cabbage, Sheena encouraged Forrest to stand up to his mother and stay by her side in the ‘Peens. The two human cabbage patches decided to band together against the tyranny of Mother Molly once in for all…..that is, after they emerge from their leaf cocoons, which were “highly recommended” by the hotel staff.
Back in Manila, Mother Molly and my favorite, Dev, were discussing the latest Forrest and Sheen drama, as they awaited their arrival. Dev stared and nodded as she spoke, lost in his usual deep thoughts. Forrest and Sheen showed up, as they all sat down at a restaurant to watch a dangerous traditional Filipino form of “double dutch” jump rope using wooden sticks as they dined. He wasted no time letting his mom know that Sheena had punched his “V” card, while she made all kinds of odd noises and middle school boy comments. Forrest then dropped the news that he planned to become a resident of the ‘Peens to avoid being away from Sheens. Mother Molly obviously blamed Sheena for her son’s sudden disobedience, as next week’s previews show the two ladies squaring off in the battle of Forrest.

Ricky & Trisha:
Back at the Family Trish compound… Father and Uncle Trish were pressuring Ricky about impregnating Trish, or else their blessing was off. Rick ultimately agreed, and revealed that he planned to apply for the K1 Visa upon his return, and would pollinate his flower after its approval. Trish seemed overjoyed by the news that she would soon be engaged and on her way to becoming the latest “Mrs. Rick”, but the happy feeling was quick to fade.
While at the airport on the journey back to their first location, Trish snuck a quick peek at Ricky’s phone, revealing he had still been talking to his Colombian ex girlfriend. She was devastated to see he had replied in a rather complimentary way to her message while they were at the family compound (Though I’m more impressed that he got internet reception. No water, but 5G!) Trish locked herself in the airport restroom, which you know means she’s upset (Nobody wants to go in there!). She claimed to be done with slick Rick and his lying ways, which would be for the best, since he seems to have some unresolved feelings for the other woman (Who would still qualify for 90 Day Fiance, since Colombia. I hope she’s from Bucaramunga).

Daniel & BabyGirl Lisa #2:
After the cleansing last week, the happy couple had gotten the “all clear” from the ancestors to continue nauseating the world with their intimacy. Though Lisa was glad to resume their “sexy time” escapades, she felt it was a bit lacking in the oral department. Daniel claimed not to believe in such sorcery, as he had man parts that he felt could service her so his 3 mile-wide tongue that he keeps shoving down her throat wouldn’t have to. Lisa let him know that this was something really important to her, and he finally agreed to do it….once he was in the United States (Now HE’S going to need a cleansing! Call the witchdoctor! We’re going to need another goat!)
As the end of the trip grew near, Lisa gave Daniel the run down on what would happen next, between the Visa applications and financial plans. She told him she would no longer be able to send him money, as every cent would be put towards the greater good of trying to get him to America (Which made him cheer a little on the inside). Lisa’s wig looked equally as sad as she did, as she piled into the cab, wearing her Nigerian fineries, heading off towards the airport. She left Daniel with a “I love my wife so get away from me” t-shirt, as the two cried and kissed before she headed towards her flight. Though Daniel seemed to have genuine tears, he explained it was out of concern that BabyGirl Lisa would change her mind about the Visa once she returned.

Jovan & AnnaLynne:
Now that they stopped fighting for five minutes, the two decided to prepare for an anniversary party. They went to a jewelry store to look for wedding bands, since they had originally gotten married via the internet during Covid. Anna tried on a few different rings, finally landing on one for a mere $268. Jovon’s permanently disappointed face looked even less pleased, as he had no plans on purchasing anything else for the rest of the trip. They left the jewelry store in uncomfortable silence, with Annalynne pouting, as she felt Jovon couldn’t seem less enthusiastic if he tried. Previews for next week show their funeral…errr, I mean, ENGAGEMENT PARTY, looking less fun than a Nigerian Tribal cleansing.