Before the 90 Days; Season 8 Episode 16

Elise & My Beautiful Boyfriend Joshua:

After all of the fighting from last week, Elise and Josh seemed to be on the outs. He took her to the beach to feed her to the sharks (A girl can dream…) I mean, to discuss their argument and ask that she give him a fair chance to prove his worthiness. He promised that he wouldn’t use her for money, and would show her that nothing was going on with his female friend, Nat (She should probably worry more about Chris…he’s far more attractive).
Later on, Elise was strutting around the AirBNB in her hot pants while wearing her red light therapy face mask, like Darth Vader with implants. She was met on her way to the bathroom by roommate Chris, who was forced to listen to her complain about her relationship woes with Josh. Chris obviously realized the two were extremely toxic, but tried to encourage Elise to focus on the positives (Probably to avoid having her coming into his bedroom at night claiming he was “Her Beautiful Boyfriend Chris”).
Next Elise headed over to the marina where Josh works, wearing nothing but a bikini and fishnet skirt, so the two could go for a boat ride. As they sailed around the beautiful shining sea, Elise pointed out some of the inconsistencies in Josh’s stories, including the fact that he caused $20k worth of damage to his company’s boat while taking it out for a joyride…. With Nat. Once again she was incredibly jealous over the two’s “friendship”, wondering if Nat was the one who paid off his debt. The beautiful Josha assured her there was nothing between him and his sugar-roommie, Nat, and that he’d prove it to Elise by all sitting down together at a bar.
It was a chilly evening, so Elise decided to wear something with a hood to the bar for the big Nat confrontation…..or, she just wore only a hood. Nothing else. The three sat down at a local watering hole to hash out any questions she may have about their living/working relationship. Both Nat and Josh agreed they had “friend feelings” for each other but nothing more. Feeling like she was being gaslit (and being a big fan of “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”) Elise decided to “call a lifeline” and ask all of the other bar patrons for their take on the situation. She screamed in the middle of the bar (While still only wearing a hood as a dress), asking if anyone else found it odd for a 39 year old man to be living with his female friend, not paying rent, and texting her all of the time. Everyone in the bar was #TeamElise, except for of course Josh and Nat, who were mortified and left early. $10 says Elise makes out with roomie Chris before leaving Australia.

Forrest & Charlie SHEEN:

Back this week in the ‘Peens, Sheen and Forrest were feeling a bit disappointed, as the meeting with the immigration lawyer revealed they wouldn’t be together in the U.S. anytime soon. Of course at any point during their 7 years of online dating, they probably could have figured this out with a quick Google search, yet here we are… Sheen planned a romantic beachside getaway for the two extra special lovebirds where they planned to finally consummate their relationship. Once inside the room adorned with rose petals, Sheen slipped into a lacey lingerie tent while Forrest posed awkwardly on the bed with a condom sticking out of his mouth (It’s unclear if he was trying to be provocative or if he thought that’s where it goes). The two giggled under the covers as production backed away slowly, trying not to make any sudden movements upon their escape from awkwardtown. The following morning the two goofballs discussed their evening of passion in a lot of uncomfortable detail. They felt they had connected on a soul level, and were sad thinking that they’d soon have to be long distance once again. Forrest felt he didn’t want to be away from his beloved, but knew his mother would never let him stay. Previews for next week include a Forrest & Sheen/Mother Molly showdown approaching (And I’m only watching to see what Dev will be staring at in the distance).

Daniel & BabyGirl Lisa #2:

It was finally time for Lisa’s exorcism, as she schlepped a less-than-thrilled Daniel to the marketplace to pick up a few necessities. Lisa wore her orange and blue tribal number and open toed sandals as she strutted around the marketplace, picking out all of the requirements of the exorcism (Clearly she learned nothing from her predecessor Baby Girl Lisa#1, who lost her pinky toe after her fateful trip to the Nigerian goat market. RIP pinky-T). She was told to purchase a set of giant phallic yams (I’m guessing to symbolize that she should like “men” instead of women) and of course, a goat. There’s always a goat involved. She and Daniel haggled over the price of the poor baby lady-goat, though Lisa was willing to spend whatever was needed, as you only get tribal cleansed once. Daniel, Lisa, and Goatina (as I named her) walked down some kind of landfill shanty back alley where his holiness high priest was waiting, drawing circles with chalk around his nipples, like a Nigerian “Buffalo Bill” (Only in Nigeria, it’s called “Silence of the Goats”). His holiness started asking questions as he screamed in tongues and spit Mountain Dew out randomly with great force. Lisa looked rightfully terrified, as Daniel tried to wince his way through the entire ordeal. She confessed all of her sins to the coked-up witch doctor, as he screamed and made her kiss 2 Aunt Jemima syrup bottles that were supposed to represent her and Daniel and their everlasting love (Though it would have been more convincing if one of the bottles was wearing a little wig….made out of goat tail hair). Lastly his priestliness asked Lisa to “unwrap” the goat (Who had been tied up in some kind of fabric), which was meant to symbolize that the cleansing was over. Though she was sure she’d been cursed with some kind of dark magic, Lisa was overjoyed that her lady-loving sins had been washed away and she was finally free to marry Daniel. The two rejoiced by giving each other a thorough tongue bath in the backseat of the cab ride back to their diarrhea infused hotel room. Next week looks like Lisa will be testing everyone’s gag reflex once again, as she tells Daniel about a few “non-negotiables” she has in the bedroom.

Aviva & Stig DaKid:

We picked up this week with the big “pregnancy test cliffhanger”, where a nervous and greasy Aviva revealed a negative test result. She was sure that after 4-5 days of being together without using protection, she’d have a baby Stigmata in the works. Stig seemed relieved, while Aviva looked a bit disappointed. She was hoping a rushed pregnancy announcement would fast track the relationship and maybe even earn her a song dedication. The following day they headed to see the ancient Mayan ruins, which Stig felt was a “spiritual” place for him. At the bottom of the temple (where the decapitated heads used to roll down during human sacrifices), he dropped to one knee and proposed. An excited Aviva emphatically said ‘“yes”! Mazel tov to the future Mr. & Mrs. “Da Kid”!

Emma &…. No Moroccan men:

After being stood up by her ex fiance MooHammit (Who is most likely a User..), Emma decided to end her trip early. She realized that she was running low on noodley-armed Moroccan men and booked the next flight out of town. But before she was ready to head home, she made a point to meet back up with Zied #2 because she wanted to say goodbye and get closure. In reality, she was hoping he would apologize and somehow sweep her off of her inappropriate footwear, but alas, he simply said “See ya”. She cried to the camera, claiming that she’s ready to find love again very soon…perhaps on the plane ride home, at the airport, or in a bathroom stall somewhere. Best of luck, Emma. May you and your wig find true love.

Rick & Trisha:

Back on the Trisha Homestead….. Rick is helping out around the house by using his “for show only” muscles to haul water buckets to and from the local watering hole. He proudly brought the water supply over to Trisha, who was using the compound’s laundromat (aka a bucket and a bit of detergent). As she soaped and sudded, Trisha reminded Rick that her father expected him to impregnate her asap or else he wouldn’t be allowed to propose (He’d better follow Papa Trish’s rules, or he’s going to need Baby Girl Lisa #2’s exorcism). All of the babytalk made Rick fear that his relationship with Trish might be doomed, as he didn’t feel like he’d be able to afford another baby on a weave salesman’s salary.