90 Day Fiance; Season 11 Episode 4

Jessica & Juan-tanamer-ica:

It was Juan’s first morning in Wyoming and Jessica made him a hearty breakfast of soggy eggs before inviting him to fertilize her own soggy eggs downstairs. Since the kids were out of the house, they decided to take advantage of their few and far between moments of privacy.
After their lovefest, she took Juan sightseeing through the town of Torrington, which was the most riveting 5 minutes of his life. He was impressed by some of the houses, but the downtown area left much to be desired. Jessica boasted about the selection of 3 Mexican, 1 Chinese, and 2 American restaurants in town, which she felt were more options than Juan had on the cruise ship. Though Juan seemed to be a bit in shock about his new hometown, he was more annoyed that Jessica was trying to convince him that it was similar to living on a cruise ship. (Though I’m not really sure which cruise line he worked for, I’m fairly certain that there wasn’t a ton of cow sh*t aboard. Maybe just the Norovirus….)
Later that night they went to the local dive bar so Juan could meet Jessica’s friends. Of course her old friend Meagan was in attendance, which was concerning for him since she had been skeptical of his loyalty to Jessica while he was out at sea. Jess and all of her friends (who abuse the Beach Waver and are frying their poor hair) were sitting at the bar, when Megan decided to grill Juan about his wrongdoings. The grilling was not worse than the harsh lines made by the Beach Waver hot tool. Juan admitted that he did in fact cheat on Jessica while they were apart, with a drunken Jessica appearing to be unphased. Megan seemed stunned that he admitted the infidelity so casually, but assumed it was because Jessica had her own skeletons in the closet….Which was news to Juan. Hopefully Juan doesn’t get too mad hearing about this new information, as he doesn’t even have a door to slam at home.

Greg & Joan:

It was Joan’s first morning on Long Island and she and Greg were loafing around in bed (Get it? Because sourdough…) Their romantic cuddle session was interrupted by the serenading of Mother Greg’s weedwacker, which really killed the mood. Joan decided to take a shower, while Greg went downstairs to make breakfast and listen to his mother complain about her rising water bill.
The party of three decided to dine outside on the patio, where Mother Greg made it known that the showers need to be kept to a minimum, since hot “wuh-tuh” isn’t free. Joan of course felt uncomfortable, as she was used to living independently and taking as many showers, hot or cold, as she wanted.
Since Joan wasn’t allowed to take a cold shower to cool off from breakfast, Greg decided to take her to soak up the air conditioning in her first US grocery store. Though she was impressed by the organized selection, she did have a bit of sticker shock. While they perused the aisles, Greg admitted he had turned down a civil service job that possibly could have helped them be able to get their own place in order to spend more time together and bake his dream bread. Joan cried, feeling like she was going to be penniless on the streets of Long Island without any expensive showers, but Greg assured her he would “bring home the dough” one way or another.

DougAlliyah & Shawn:

Back from “Love in Paradise” fame are Doug and Shawn, who seemed to be having a bit of a tough conversation. Apparently since we last saw them, they were supposed to have gotten married, when Doughalliya chickened out.
Three months prior in Brazil, Alliya (Who used to be Douglas) was happily shopping for wedding dresses in anticipation of marrying Shawn. She explained her journey of becoming Alliya, and felt she was now living her authentic life. Shawn was busy showing off his Hollywood Hills home in California, which included showcases containing dresses worn by Barbara Streisand. He went over his entire history of becoming a hairstylist, marrying a woman, and then later realizing he was gay (As if the glass-encased Barabara Streisand dress wasn’t enough of a clue).
Shawn prepared his sheep-a-doodle designer mutt “Maxwell Smart” for Alliaya’s big arrival, worrying about all of the adversities they faced trying to get her to the U.S. He realized that the K1 Visa was the final option, and hoped all would go well with DougAliah’s interview at the embassy.
Back in Brazil, Alliya wasn’t sure which personality to bring to the table, and slightly panicked about the interview process. She decided to go full blown Alliyah, toning down her ridiculous weave for the big occasion. I am more interested in seeing Shawn’s very cool but horribly decorated house than I am about them as a couple. The sheepadoodle is also cute, and has better hair than Alliya.

Stevi & Mahdi:

Stevi took Mahdi away from the “Big Easy” and back to her home in Mississippi. Though he had looked it up on Google maps many times, Mahdi had never seen the inside, which was covered with Stevi’s naked lady paintings (Very Haram). Mahdi was also introduced to Stevi’s cat, which inspired a compulsive hand washing disorder, as Iranian cats are generally arrested for licking their paws in the streets, because Haram. Mahdi felt like his visit to Stevi’s house was a bit like being in an American horror movie (Which I kind of understood, since he looks like one of those creepy dead eyed ventriloquist dolls).

The next day they decided to leave the boobie house and cat behind to take a stroll around the town. As they walked by the small town bars and restaurants, Stevi admitted she had only let her dad know about Mahdi’s existence the day before, let alone the fact that they would be getting married. Mahdi was taken aback, feeling like he now had no chance of being accepted by her family, since they were already going to be weirded out about where he came from let alone his awkward personality. Haram.

Matt & Amani:

Two out 3 members of the thrupple arrived in Tijuana for the Day of the Dead festival. Matt and Amani walked around in their skeleton masks, searching for any sign of their third party, Any. They eventually spotted her long, lanky silhouette coming their way, as they took turns kissing each other and walking arm in arm….in arm. They actually took up a lot of room at the street fair. Amani chatted with some other festival goers, letting the absolute strangers know about their thrupple-hood as if anyone was actually interested.
Previews or next week suggest a very short honeymoon phase, as it appears that the “thrupple” occasionally branches off into a couple, without always getting the third party’s consent. Haram.

Mark & Mina:

Back in New Hampshire, Mina was still pouting about having to leave the city of Amour for the backwoods of New Hampshire. Mark tried to acclimate her to the neighborhood by putting together an impromptu driveway BBQ with the neighbors. He invited over such characters as “Nick and Cupcake Pat” (Who made her signature desserts with American flags for the occasion), as well as “Martini Pat”, who brought her own “secret sauce” (I like how the Pats needed to have a specific identifier to ease the confusion). Mina explained her concern for the lack of children and younger people in the area, as she didn’t foresee her and baby Maria learning Ma Jong and watching Golden Girls reruns any time soon. She also spoke to the Pats about her concern over Mark’s daughter Jordan feeling like she had a say in the couples’ family planning. Mina was hoping to have one more baby, while Jordan felt like she was too old to be a big sister yet again. The neighbors warned Mina that Mark tends to be a bit of a people please, and really values his close relationship with his daughter. Mina seemed to roll her heavy, half opened eyes, before heading inside to watch Matlock and have a Werther’s Original butterscotch candy that had been sitting in the dish for 12 years.
The next day we saw Mark and Mina waking up in bed together after their first romantic evening in the U.S. They went into a bit of detail about their love life, which Mina was hoping was not broadcasted to Mark’s mother in the nursing home (Although maybe someone took out her Miracle Ear). Mark decided the family of three should spend the day going on a hike and picnic through the woods, since Mina seemed to be the outdoorsy type. While they dined on hermetically sealed cheese and crackers, Mark discussed his concern about her attitude towards his daughter. Mina maintained that Jordan was a “snake” and couldn’t be trusted, though she pretended she would be nice for his sake. Previews for next week show Mark’s two leading ladies coming together and Mina really taking on the “wicked stepmother” role she seems born to play.